Chapter Twenty
Kat’s To-Do List
Therapist???
I woke at five in the morning to my heart racing, like I was expected to run from a herd of elk at any moment.
Then I remembered – Liam. The kiss. The fallout.
Once my brain caught up with my body, I understood why I was lightly sweating.
I sat up, wrapping my arms around my knees, keeping my head down.
When anxiety hit like this, it was crippling.
I took some deep breaths, trying to calm myself, but it was useless.
It was like I was getting ready to jump out of the window at any given moment.
I leaned over and checked my phone. Liam hadn’t texted again since last night.
I couldn’t blame him since I hadn’t replied.
I texted Willa.
My phone vibrated about three minutes later with her call.
‘What are you doing up so early?’
Willa’s familiar voice was a temporary balm to my nerves. ‘Personal training sessions. I pay Eduardo an extortionate amount of money every month to torture me. It’s a good job he’s fairly good-looking, or I’d have quit by now.’
Willa rarely noticed when men were attractive, let alone commented on it, so I knew Eduardo was more than ‘fairly good-looking’.
‘What’s up? Your texts were… concerning. Frantic.’ She paused before adding, ‘Unhinged.’
I began pacing the room. ‘I did something stupid.’
‘You shagged him.’
I stopped. I didn’t expect her to guess so close that quickly.
‘His name is Liam. And we didn’t shag.’ Who even says shag?
‘Don’t change the subject.’
I paused until I reluctantly admitted, ‘We kissed.’
‘I knew this would happen. Some random guy isn’t helping you out of the kindness of his heart. He must want to get into your pants.’
‘He didn’t kiss me. I kissed him. Actually, I kind of launched myself at him.
I’d had a drink… or five… and behaved like such a dick, and now I’ve made everything awkward, and I want to die,’ I rushed out, resuming my pacing.
‘Not only did I kiss him, but before that, I shouted for him to pull over by the church so I could find Dad’s grave. ’
‘Morbid much?’
‘I know.’ I panted. ‘God, I’m such a fucking freak.’
‘Okay, okay. Take some deep breaths.’ I could hear Willa locking her door as she left her flat.
‘Are you busy? I can call later,’ I said, panicking that I was being too much.
‘Don’t be silly, I’ve got time—’
‘If you need to go to your appointment—’
‘Kat.’ Willa’s tone stopped my spiralling. ‘I appreciate you considering me, but I’m fine, and right now, you’re not. So take some breaths and tell me exactly what happened.’
I did exactly that, recounting the ice pack, the lean, and the kiss. I explained the graveyard antics and how he told me about his mum. I detailed how Liam kissed me back but then pulled away quickly – then finished off the story by sharing the screenshots of the texts Liam sent.
‘Okay.’ Willa took a deep breath, and I could hear the distant sounds of cars beeping and buses going by and I was hit with homesickness. I wished I was in London, as far away from this house, this town, and Liam.
My fight or flight was kicking in, but it was going with flight this time.
Willa continued, ‘Look, it sounds like the kiss was mutual, but Liam freaked out. Shit of him, but it could be about anything. You’re catastrophising. He asked to talk, so hear him out. He might like you too.’
He might like me too.
I huffed, keeping my voice even. ‘I didn’t say I liked him. Just because I tried to kiss him doesn’t mean I like him. It means he’s not bad to look at.’
‘Kat.’ Willa’s tone was bone dry. ‘Be honest with me.’
I thought about the past week with Liam.
The weird buzzing feeling I got when I watched him walk across the garden with a foil-covered plate.
The string in my chest that pulled taut when he was in the room.
The high when I got a rise out of him. I was getting addicted to getting a reaction out of that usually stoic, calm expression.
I thought about Liam’s solid, warm presence beside me in a dark graveyard.
I think you have to feel it all.
‘Maybe.’
‘Katherine,’ Willa chided.
‘Okay, yes,’ I said quickly, panicking, ‘but it’s not like he likes me. He was totally repulsed by that kiss, trust me.’
‘Oh my god’ – exasperation poured down the phone – ‘how old are we, Kat? Speak to him! Be honest! You like him. You never randomly kiss blokes you’ve known less than a week. Unless you count your spree at uni—’
‘Do not slut shame me. I told you I was going through my experimental phase.’
‘Exactly, it was a phase, and since then, you haven’t exactly put yourself out there, and god help anyone who asks you to be in a serious relationship.’
‘I’m not scared of commitment. I haven’t found anyone worth committing to.’
‘Sure, Jan.’
‘Okay, you’re right, okay?’ I rubbed my temples.
I didn’t need straight-talking Willa at this time in the morning.
‘But it doesn’t change anything. It would have to be like all of my other relationships – casual.
His life is here, and mine is in London.
If it was anything more, it would end in tears.
So, there isn’t anything to discuss, apart from a stupid, drunk move I made on him.
’ I groaned again. ‘Willa, it was so bad.’
‘It’s never as bad as you imagine. You let your creativity run wild. Come back down to earth, martian.’
Her words seeped in, a soothing balm to some of my wounds.
‘Okay.’ I breathed. ‘I like him, okay? I like him a lot, and I hate it because I feel so out of control, and I can’t stop looking at him and his fucking face and his body.
His body, Willa. It’s insane, and I haven’t even seen underneath his clothes yet.
And it’s not just physical. He’s not what I expected at all.
He’s really sweet and thoughtful. He danced with his old piano teacher, for god’s sake.
He cooks because he wants to look after everyone.
And he’s so—’ I took a deep breath in, refuelling.
‘I like him, and I’m scared. Terrified. You happy now? ’
There was silence on the other end of the phone, apart from the odd gust of wind.
‘Willa?’
‘I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak about someone like that.’
‘Willa,’ I groaned. ‘Don’t freak me out.’
‘I’m not trying to freak you out. It’s okay to be scared. It comes with the territory. You have to be vulnerable.’
‘I don’t want to be vulnerable,’ I whined. ‘Why can’t someone tell me it will be okay?’
‘Love wouldn’t be worth it without a little risk.’
‘No. It’s not that. Don’t say the L word,’ I warned, panic rising in my throat again. God, I needed a therapist.
‘You should tell him. Be honest.’ Willa added, ‘If I can finally finish with fuck-face John, then you can do this too.’
‘Maybe.’ The thought of confessing my delicate crush to Liam made me feel a bit sick. I wanted to see what he said first. ‘I’ve got to go. I need to face the music.’ I glanced over at Liam’s house. No lights were on yet, so he had to be sleeping in.
‘Text me and let me know how it goes. I’m here if you need me. Wish me luck with Eduardo.’
‘I’m wishing Eduardo luck.’
Willa laughed. ‘Love ya.’
‘Love ya.’ I hung up, feeling alone again.
As I showered and got dressed, my mind whirled with wild scenarios – Liam saying he was in love with me, Liam friend-zoning me, Liam kicking me out of the annexe because the kiss was ‘inappropriate’, Liam quitting the job because I harassed him.
I was making myself a cup of tea in the little kitchen when I spotted a woman and child strolling through the side gate into the garden.
I frowned, putting the kettle down.
The woman had a slim, athletic build and chestnut-brown hair with lowlights running through it, which made it look like glossy chocolate.
She glanced around, searching for something with sharp blue eyes that contrasted with her tanned skin.
She wore athleisure, but unlike Lydia’s citrus brights, hers were warm beige.
The woman shouted something to the little girl, who had to be about ten years old, peering through Liam’s bifold windows.
Was this woman the Abigail that Jack had mentioned in my eavesdropping?
I was frozen in place, unsure what to do.
Should I go and tell them Liam wasn’t up yet?
The choice was taken from me. The little girl’s eyes went wide with curiosity, and she pointed towards me. The woman turned and saw me standing in the cottage, her eyes narrowing.
Shit.
She did not look happy, and she didn’t strike me as a woman you wanted to cross, but I pulled on my big girl pants and walked outside to introduce myself.
‘Hi. I’m Kat. Are you looking for Liam? He’s not up yet, he –’
‘Is he in there?’ The woman nodded towards the annexe behind me.
‘No –’
She leaned down and gave the girl a kiss on the head. ‘Honey, go knock on the front door again, please.’ The girl looked like she wanted to complain, but she nodded and walked away, looking at me with interest.
She lowered her voice. ‘Has he been drinking?’
I frowned. ‘No, of course not.’
The woman’s shoulders sagged. Then, her eyes turned to me, cold and assessing again.
‘When I’d told him not to bring women home anymore, he really took it literally.
’ She huffed, glancing at the annexe. ‘He put you in the annexe instead. Well, this hasn’t happened in a while.
I’d really thought he’d changed but that’s what I get when I trust people.
At least you’re better dressed than the last one, that bedazzled purple thong put me off my breakfast.’ She glanced down at me, ‘You look slightly better dressed.’
‘I’m sorry –’ I recoiled, then coiled back up like a snake, ready to snap at retreating heels. ‘Who are you?’
‘Who am I?’ She laughed like I was supposed to know. ‘I’m the mother of his child. Let me guess, Liam didn’t mention that little detail, did he?’
‘Mum! Dad’s here!’ the girl exclaimed.
A record scratch echoed in my head.
Dad.
Liam was a dad.