Chapter 30
JJ
“You’re a fucking peach today,” AJ says, gesturing to the bartender for another beer.
I’ve seen her here a few times. She’s young, newer compared to some of the others that have been here for years.
I’m not attracted to women, but I can see why the men here fawn over her—she sort of looks like a model.
It’s too early in the day to drink, but my head is too fucked up to go home and do nothing. And what else is there to do? Walk the fucking Chicago Riverwalk? No thanks.
There aren’t many people here, which is exactly what I need. There is no music playing. The volume on the TVs is louder than usual, a few guys listening to the highlights from last night’s football game.
“Which is why we’re day-drinking.” I take the last mouthful of my beer and put the empty glass on the bar top, trying not to think about the last time I was here… when I met Miles.
“Not that I’m complaining, JJ, but why didn’t you call Nash?”
“He’s busy.”
“With work? Or is it something else?”
The bartender comes over and AJ asks for two more beers.
She pours them right away, giving AJ a flirtatious look, which he ignores—the way he ignores most people.
AJ might be one of the only people I know who is more anti-social than I am.
Which is probably why we only grab a beer like this when one of us feels like shit.
“He’s moving,” I say, taking my full glass of beer and draining half of it.
“Moving? Where to?”
“New York.”
“Fuck.” AJ grabs his beer. “Why?”
“Took a new position. Homicide or something.”
AJ carefully sets his glass down after taking a mouthful, glancing up at the television screen before he looks at me in question. “So, when’s he going?”
“January.”
AJ nods, continuing to look at the screen, but I note the way his shoulders hunch.
“You two have a fight or something? That why you called me instead of him?”
His words shouldn’t make me feel bad. I know he doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, but for some reason, it hits me hard.
Because he’s right. Usually I don’t call him to talk about my personal life.
AJ doesn’t ask questions because he knows better.
Nor does he blatantly call me out on my shit like my brother—because he knows I’d call him out on his.
“No, we aren’t fighting. And I’m not mad, I just don’t want to bother him. He has shit going on, and honestly, he’s heard this a hundred times already.”
I’m starting to wonder why I’m here at all, talking to him. I don’t want to talk about this shit. Though, maybe I do. Maybe I need another perspective on this situation.
I know how I feel—torn and confused.
Nash has made his opinion on my life obvious from day one. He never hid the fact he didn’t like my husband, though he always had these “It’s not that I don’t like him,” type of comments. Then he’d go on to list all the things he didn’t like about Franklin.
To be fair, he was never wrong. But Franklin is my husband and marriage is about balance… give and take. It just seems like I’m the one who’s always giving and he’s always taking.
How long has it been like this? Always? Day one? Or did it happen as time went on and we started to fall apart? It’s hard to remember. It’s been so long that those early years are foggy and seem not real.
“I need your opinion,” I say quickly, reaching for my beer.
The glass is cold in my hand, something that keeps me grounded.
If I ever feel like I’m flying off the edge, I just splash some cold water on my face.
Drink ice cold water. Hop in a cold shower.
It snaps my brain back into place. Problem is it never lasts long.
AJ and I are on our third beer, and I’m starting to feel it. Though, that’s probably because I’m tired. I’ve been sleeping like shit. I also haven’t eaten much.
“Okay,” he says carefully.
I sigh. “Look, you’re one of the only people who knows about Franklin.”
AJ pulls his attention from the screen and looks at me almost sympathetically, which I hate.
This is why I don’t talk about this stuff with anyone.
The only reason AJ even knows about my fucked up marriage is because I admitted it to him when I was drunk—after Franklin had told me he didn’t care about me hooking up with other guys.
I felt like I had to prove a point, I guess.
That I didn’t care, either. I thought hooking up with AJ would make it better somehow, hurt less, maybe?
I don’t know. He was my first hook-up while married but certainly not the last.
“Been a long time since I heard that name on your tongue,” he says, though his tone isn’t judgmental like it probably should be, and maybe that makes the next words easier to say.
“I think I need to get a divorce.”
He huffs a laugh, shaking his head as I narrow my gaze at him.
“It’s about damn time, JJ,” he says, grabbing his beer with a smirk.
I glare.
“What?” he says defensively. “I never understood why you stayed with the guy. Not because of the distance, but because of everything he puts you through.”
“Everything he puts me through?”
“I know I’m the last guy who should be giving relationship advice, but even I know marriages are never perfect. We all have our flaws. But a marriage should have certain things to keep them going, that keep everyone happy.” His lips turn into a frown as he stares at his beer.
“Marriage is complicated,” I say.
“Yeah, but it doesn’t have to be. It should be simple, you know? Something that makes you happy.” He looks up at me with a knowing gaze. “Are you happy? Because I’ve known you a long time, man, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you truly happy.”
“Don’t think I know what that means,” I mutter, taking another swig.
That’s not entirely true. Not anymore. I’ve felt it the past couple of weeks.
When I think about Miles. When I see him.
Just being around him. I feel different.
I don’t feel hopeless… I don’t feel like the darkness is taking over.
I see a future, see things I’m capable of doing.
There’s a pause, but it isn’t heavy or off-putting.
It’s almost a relief. Because I said the words that have been lodged in my throat for weeks. The ones I was terrified of saying.
“Tell me what happened,” AJ says candidly. “And don’t leave out any details.”
I go through the story, the same way I did with Nash, only I get more out this time.
Maybe I’m remembering more because I’ve thought about Miles more?
Because honestly, he hasn’t left my mind.
Or maybe it’s just easier to let it all out…
because I’m overflowing with bad shit. I don’t have anywhere else to store it all.
It has to come out. AJ doesn’t say a word or stop me.
He lets me go over every detail and only when I catch my breath to take a drink, does he finally speak and give me his opinion—the one I’d asked for.
“Tell him the truth,” he says firmly. “Let him make up his mind on his own. You can’t decide for him, and you can’t force him, because then you’ll be exactly where you are now.
Even if he said he doesn’t want you to text him, you need to give him all the info first, so you’re both on the same page, or you’ll end up exactly like you did with Franklin.
You can’t keep all that shit in, JJ. It’s not good for you. ”
I’m tempted to tell AJ to fuck off, because he is one to talk. Considering that’s exactly what he does. But he’s also right. So I don’t cuss him out.
“Miles isn’t like Franklin.”
“Which is why you need to be honest with him, and yourself, too. Why does Franklin get all the good parts of you when he doesn’t even fucking deserve it?
” AJ’s gaze fixes on me sternly. “He doesn’t deserve you, JJ.
He never did. And you? Fuck, man, you deserve to be happy.
More than anyone else I know.” There’s a seriousness to his tone that isn’t missed.
“Since when did you get so smart?” I scoff, but AJ shrugs.
“I’ve always been smart,” he bites. “Smarter than your ass.”
I chuckle and shake my head, feeling lighter, and I know it’s not entirely from the alcohol.
“I beg to differ.” I say, noting the way AJ is looking at his phone. Or rather, staring at it. But he sets it down next to him, face down, and before I can ask if everything’s okay, he speaks.
“You’re a good guy who’s been dealt a bad hand. That doesn’t mean you need to let yourself suffer..”
He lets out a sigh. “The alarm sounds, and we just go. Disaster strikes and we rise up. We bring people order. Hope. Relief. In the middle of absolute fucking chaos. So why do we always ignore when the alarms go off for us? Why do we think if we ignore the fire, that it won’t get worse?”
That lands way too fucking hard.
But he’s right.
Fuck, why does he continue to be right?
“I have to go.”
I get up and pull my wallet from my pocket, dropping a couple twenties on the counter. AJ grabs my arm.
“You good? Do you need me to call you a cab or—”
“I’m good. I just need to talk to Miles.”
“Oh, okay, then. Good.” He smiles, cracking a sarcastic, yet almost awkward laugh. “Maybe we can meet back here next week and talk about my, uh… issues.”
I pause with my jacket halfway on, thinking about his words. “You having a mid-life crisis or some shit?”
“Maybe. I’m sort of seeing someone, so guess it was bound to happen sooner or later...” He shakes his head. “But don’t let me stop you. Go!” He gives me a knowing grin.
Maybe I should have called or texted Miles to let him know that I was coming by, but if I did that, he could tell me not to. I’m hoping to talk my way into his apartment so I can explain.
I’m being realistic—I know admitting my flaws and telling him the truth doesn’t mean everything will be fixed and suddenly perfect, but at least if he has all the information, he can make his decision. A real decision. An honest one.
It’s late enough in the day that he should be home from work, as long as he didn’t stop anywhere on the way. I pull up and spot his car is in the driveway—right beside Audrey’s.