Chapter 30 #2
I park behind his car and head up the front steps to ring the bell. The door is pulled open before my finger hits the button. Audrey is standing there, giving me a look that tells me she knows what happened.
“Hi,” I say.
Her brows raise. “Can I help you?”
“I need to talk to Miles.”
“Does he know you’re coming?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t know if I should let you in.”
“Mom, who is it?” Noah calls from inside the apartment. She pops her head through the doorway and yells, “No one, honey! Finish your homework.” She closes the door and turns her hard stare back on me.
“I’m sure he’s upset, as he has every right to be. I was a complete asshole. I don’t know how much he’s told you—”
“Nothing. So I’ve assumed the worst.”
I nod. “Oh—well, yeah, I get that. But I want to explain everything to him, which I did not do before. And maybe he’ll still be mad, but—”
“You’re not here to kiss his ass?”
“Uh… no?”
Her eyes narrow, and I can’t tell if she’s happy about that or relieved. Is that what Miles wants me to do? Because that’s not my plan.
“I don’t know how much Miles has told you, but he’s all Noah and I have, and I will not see him like this. He’s gone through breakups before, and one time he almost didn’t come out of it the same. I won’t see my brother go through that again.”
I had no idea…
Why didn’t I know this? How can I feel like I’ve known him forever, but know nothing about him at all? What relationship? Was it that dick from the club? No, it couldn’t be. He said they only hooked up. So, what else? I hate that I don’t know this.
“I am trying really hard not to hurt your brother—though, to be honest, he told me nothing about his past, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
It looks as if she’s thinking something over. I hope she doesn’t kick me out. If she tells me to leave, I have to. I won’t cause a scene, nor will I disrespect her, Miles, or Noah like that.
“You know, I thought he was lying when he said you two were being casual because Miles doesn’t do casual, but it seems you’re both clueless.”
“Yeah… we were trying to take things slow, but, uh… it didn’t really work out that way, I think.”
She watches me for a moment, looking me up and down as if she’s about to make her final assessment.
“I like you, JJ. You make my brother happy, and you make my kid happy. I’m not saying that to make you feel like you need to stick around, but please be an adult about whatever happens, yeah?”
“Yes. Absolutely. I am trying to do the mature thing here, I swear I am. Can I please go talk to Miles?”
She steps aside. “If he asks how you got in, tell him the door wasn’t shut all the way. I don’t want to be in the middle of this. I said what I had to say.”
“Thank you,” I say as I hurry up the stairs. I knock on the door, trying not to sound urgent or distressed so he doesn’t worry. Though he may anyway because how did someone get up here?
Miles pulls the door open. His hair is a mess, and his eyes are not as bright as I remember, with dark bags beneath them.
Fuck. I did that. I made him feel this way. It tears my heart in two.
“JJ? How did you get up here?” he asks, his expression turning slightly annoyed.
“The door wasn’t shut all the way,” I say without hesitation.
His brows raise.
“Can we please talk?” I add before he can ask more questions about the door.
“I don’t—”
“Let me rephrase—can I talk? I need to explain, and I’d really appreciate it if you’d listen. And I know I don’t deserve that, but I won’t lie to you—I need this.”
My whole plan is based off Miles’ kindness. If I pushed him too far, he may not have any left to give. I really hope that isn’t the case.
There’s a flash of anger in his eyes before his shoulders sag. He nods and moves for me to come in.
I pace, watching him from the corner of my eye as he stands there by the door.
Sad and alone. I stop and bring my gaze up to look at him fully, wanting to go to him.
Hug him. Kiss him. Apologize. But that won’t fix anything.
What we need to do is talk. Empty apologies and physical stuff won’t make a difference.
“I told you there was something I needed to tell you, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet,” I start.
He nods. “I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it now, but I have to.
I need to get this off my chest and explain what’s going on and why I am the way I am, but I need you to promise me something first, and I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but I really need you to hear me out because you deserve the truth. ”
“What’s the promise?” he asks, his voice raspy. Tired. His shoulders are hunched, and as he steps deeper into the living room, I note that he’s paler.
“Just listen until I’m done.” I step closer to him. “That’s it. I need to get it all out, and I need you to hear all of it, so it makes sense.”
“Okay,” he says simply, moving to the couch to sit.
I wish I could be more like him… accepting and willing to hear people out. He doesn’t jump to conclusions. He keeps an open mind. If the tables were turned, I’m not sure I’d have even let him in. Miles is a better person than me.
He holds my gaze. I need to speak now, to explain everything that’s going on, but for a moment I wonder how we got here. How did this turn so serious? When? How am I standing here, ready to spill secrets I’ve kept for almost my whole life?
“When I was twelve, I watched my father kill my mother and then kill himself,” I say.
The words come out emotionless, which makes me feel like shit.
I’ve only spoken those words out loud one other time before—to Franklin when I was eighteen and we’d just met.
I thought telling him my deepest, darkest trauma would help us connect—I thought he’d understand me more.
But all it did was give him a weapon to use against me.
Miles gasps. “JJ, that’s awful. God, I… I don’t even know what to say.”
I nod and run a hand through my hair, starting to pace again. I don’t like thinking about that day, but this time I need to.
“Both of my brothers and I were there. My father made us watch. He told us that if we didn’t sit on the couch and keep our eyes on him and see what he was going to do, he’d kill us.”
“And you believed him?” Miles asks.
“Yeah,” I say through a scoff. “He was a mean drunk… and he was drunk all the time. Violent. So yeah, we believed him.”
Understanding crosses his face. “That’s why you’re a firefighter? To save people? And Nash, that’s why he’s a cop?”
I nod. “Yeah. And Hollis… he’s still trying to figure it all out.”
“I’m so sorry,” he says, his voice soft and full of emotion. “But what does this have to do with us? With the other day? I’m sorry you went through that, JJ, but it doesn’t excuse your behavior.”
My stomach drops, but I have to keep going.
“I know that, Miles. I just wanted to share this part of me with you because I’ve been hiding a lot of things, and this is one of them.
I don’t like talking about it, but it’s important for you to have all the pieces so you can understand me a little better.
So you can know me. Because that’s what I want.
” I clear my throat, the emotion thick. “I want you to know me, and I want to know you. This is the only way I know how to do it. It probably sucks, but it’s all I have right now.
It doesn’t excuse my behavior, I know that.
And, uh… what I’m going to say next is worse. ”
His eyes widen slightly, and he leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Okay…”
“I’m married.” I say the words quickly, just needing to get them out.
“Married?” Miles repeats slowly, his expression not changing.
“Yeah, but—” I add quickly.
“You’re married?” he says again, this time emphasizing the married part.
“Yes, but it’s not what you think,” I say quickly.
Miles huffs a disbelieving laugh, shaking his head.
“I don’t know what to think, JJ.” His voice is a little louder now. “Of all the things I thought you were about to tell me, this wasn’t one of them.”
“I should have told you sooner.”
He gets to his feet. “Yeah, no shit.”
“I’m not done,” I plead.
“I don’t know if I can listen to any more of this. Are you just trying to shove the knife deeper?”
“No,’ I say adamantly. “No, I am not trying to hurt you. That’s the opposite of what I want to do. I want to fix this, but I don’t know how. I just want to tell you the truth—all of it.”
“Kind of hard to do that when you have a husband—well, I assume, husband. Are you actually married to a woman? Because that would be the icing on the cake.” His tone is up a few pitches now, the hysteria setting in. I’m upsetting him more. I fucking suck at this.
“It’s a man. It’s… Franklin.”
“Ah, yeah… Makes sense,” he says softly, then sits back down on the couch.
I watch him for a long moment as he processes the information. All I can do is tread lightly and pray that he will let me finish this… let me tell him all of my truths.
“Everything I am about to say is going to sound like an excuse, but I swear I just want to explain. I just want you to know.” He doesn’t look at me, but I keep going. Because now that I’ve started, I can’t stop.