CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
JULIANA THE DEMON HUNTRESS
This is for the blood of my parents!
Vampire Falls. Season four, episode ten – “Finally Here”
I’m so glad you’re dead when you’re in one of these for eternity.
Roxy attempts to massage my shoulder muscles, which is impossible because they are currently the hardest substance on the planet right now.
Someone should probably contact NASA. I stare at the chasm of shadows and anxiety, aka the coffin, and squeeze Jawfain.
A Headset Lady comes over and ushers us up to the stage.
“You can do this,” says Roxy, following me up the steps. “You never get to be alone with just you and your thoughts, so think of it as a bonus.”
“Why are you making this more terrifying?” I say, gaping at Roxy. “Who wants to be alone with themselves and their thoughts?”
“Serial killers probably,” offers Dorothy. “And plumbers.”
Roxy looks over her shoulder at the other contestants standing in front of their coffins.
“Focus, babe. I heard Rashawn does scuba diving. Vivian isn’t going in; claustrophobic apparently.
” Wow. So, she is human then and not a cyberbabe created to destroy us all.
“Charlie’s going in for her and he’s OK with small spaces.
Remember when he hid inside the sofa bed, and we watched an entire episode of Vampire Falls before he jumped out. ”
I glance at Charlie Chamberlain, remembering how he suddenly emerged from the sofa like some kind of Ikea zombie. Roxy and I screamed and screamed until he’d fully clawed his way out wearing his McKinley mask. Mum was in on the whole thing and just carried on making Thursday night burritos.
“I remember,” I say, watching Charlie Chamberlain do that neck stretch thing athletic types do before the big game or whatever.
He’s wearing a pair of grey joggers and football T-shirt, so he looks all snuggly.
Sorry, when I say snuggly, I mean he’s planned for comfort, and not just worn the limited items of clothing from the catalogue he’d assigned himself during this weekend.
“Like I said, you can do this, babe,” says Roxy again.
I give her what my nanna would have called a chewing-shit smile and look back at the coffin. Whatever joker set this up has laid a plastic skeleton wearing the Full Moon Diner uniform inside each one.
“Maybe you should have worn something less . . . tight,” says Fake McKinley.
My baggy Blood is Forever T-shirt is fine, but my jeggings are, let’s face it, half a size too small.
“Thank you for that observation,” I say. The air con (or the impending buried alive scenario) makes me shiver. “Maybe I should have done layers. Are coffins cold, do we think?”
“Here.”
Fake McKinley steps forward, unzipping his maroon hoodie and takes it off. He’s wearing a (tight) white T-shirt underneath. Headset Lady’s eyes widen, and she fans herself with her clipboard.
“Thank you,” I say.
“May this hoodie bring you the clearest of thoughts and emptiest of bladders,” he says, putting it round my shoulders.
I stick my arms in the oversized sleeves. It completely swamps me, but I wonder what washing powder he uses as it’s so soft.
“Very cute,” he says, pulling the hood over my head. I laugh and smack him away. He tugs the golden hoodie toggles, nodding at me. “Good luck.”
“Is it just us or are we all getting in the coffins?” says Charlie Chamberlain, his eyes flicking between me, Fake McKinley and Headset Lady.
“Right. Yes,” says Headset Lady, shaking herself free of Fake McKinley’s muscle trance. “Time to say goodbye to your friends.”
“For ever?!” I blurt.
“Just for the duration of the competition,” she confirms.
Team Awesome hug me one by one before descending the steps and sitting in the front row. Headset Lady looks at her clipboard, nodding as she digests the information, then smiles up at us. She has a nice smile. I’m glad I got to see it before I die.
“Once you’re in, we’ll put the lids on. As with the other heats, there are points for each place – so we won’t tell you if anyone comes out; not until the final person remains. Anyone need the toilet before we start?”
“Yes! I mean, no,” I blurt, looking at the other two for guidance. They offer me nothing. Mind games. “I don’t know.”
“You can’t take that in with you, I’m afraid,” Headset Lady says.
I look down at Jawfain then clutch him to my chest. Headset Lady shrugs, then Roxy runs up the stairs and takes him from me.
“Take good care of him,” I say, putting my hand on her cheek.
“I will,” she says, then heads back to her seat next to Vivian and Fake McKinley.
“OK.” Headset Lady sticks the clipboard under her arm. “Please step in and make yourselves comfortable.”
We all step inside our coffins. I sit down then shuffle until there’s enough space for my legs to stretch out. I shove the skeleton over and lie back, propping myself up on my elbows.
“H-how will we get out?”
“Just push the lid off and step out. Quietly though, or your competitors will hear you,” says Headset Lady. “If there’s an emergency, just ask for help. They’re made to keep sound to a minimum, but we can hear you if you speak up, don’t worry.”
“I’m sorry, why are we doing this?” I ask in a panic. “Coffins have nothing to do with vampires.”
The other two look round at me. I realise the absurdity of what I’ve just said, but I’m slightly panicking, OK?
“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” offers Charlie Chamberlain.
“Who says I don’t want to do it?” I frown at him then lie back. “I can’t wait to do it. Lying in coffins is actually my favourite thing to do so I feel sorry for anyone who thinks they can beat me.”
“OK then.”
His voice floats from the other side (not literally) and I watch the stewards lower my lid down. I take a few deep breaths and close my eyes. Just focus on Comic Con, Eliza, you can do it.