Chapter 37 Rescue Me
brEATHE, KLARA.
The walk to Kang’s car takes ages and I am acutely aware of every step, opening and closing my sweaty hands, biting my lip and releasing it, trying on different facial expressions.
My heart feels as if it’s about to burst out of my chest and I swallow, trying to relax.
I’d like to say that my confidence has not waned since I walked out the door, but it has; it’s hard to let myself be this vulnerable in front of Kang.
His rejection would devastate me, but I know that, if I can be brave enough to show my true self to him, it will be much easier to face the rest of the world this way.
Letting out a puff of air, I open the passenger-side door.
I get in and sit for a second with my hands clasped in my lap, not daring to look at him.
“Hello, Klara with a K.”
I relax my shoulders and turn to face him. Kang is wearing a dark shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and dark blue jeans to complement his look. He’s as handsome as always.
He gives me an approving look as his lips quirk into a tender smile and he reaches out to tuck a curl of hair behind my ear before resting his hand on my cheek.
“I’m glad to see you’re not hiding anymore, Klara.”
I don’t know what to say. I was so afraid.
But his voice and his words bolster my confidence.
His reaction reinforces my faith in people.
Not everyone is going to be critical of someone like me.
There are good people, like him, like Perla, like Diego.
People who are willing to accept me as I am whenever I’m ready to show them, and I think that the time has now come.
Dr. B. is right: It’s harder to gain acceptance from ourselves than it is from others.
I smile and place my hand on his. “I’ve deprived the world of myself for too long,” I joke.
“I completely agree with that.” Kang runs his thumb over my cheekbone and I lose myself in his eyes. “Welcome back to the world, Klara with a K. There’s plenty of bad things about it, but many wonders as well. I’m so glad you’re ready to be a part of it.”
I’m acutely aware of his hand on my cheek, his face so close. My eyes flash to his lips and I blush. We hear the sound of someone tapping on the window and we both sit back in our seats. It’s Kamila.
Before I turn my attention to my sister, I notice Kang cover his face with one hand and turns toward the driver’s-side window.
“Hey,” my sister says, trying to get a look at the guy next to me. “You left your cell phone.” She hands it to me.
“Thank you,” I say with an awkward smile.
Kamila is about to say something else when Andy appears behind her. “Kamila, are you coming? Good night, guys, have fun,” he says, winking at me, tugging at my sister, who’s still trying to see what my date looks like.
I roll up the window and watch them enter the house as Kang starts driving without a word. It’s obvious that he didn’t want my sister to see him, so I can only assume they know each other, but from where? I have to ask. “Kang,” I begin.
“Did you pick a movie?” he interrupts.
“Oops, I forgot.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure there are plenty of normal movies to watch,” he says with a smirk, reminding me of my embarrassing response the other night.
Bravo, Klara.
“You can check the listings on your cell phone,” he suggests when I don’t respond.
I look out the window, watching the trees go by. I don’t know how to ask him about my sister, so I decide to just be direct. I open my mouth to speak, but he seems to read my mind.
“It’s a long story.” He sighs. “Can I tell you about it after the movie?”
“Okay.”
We arrive at the movie theater and get tickets for a thriller, then line up at the concessions stand. When Kang hands me my popcorn and Coke, I grin so widely: it’s my favorite snack for listening to his radio show, and now here I am eating it with him, at the movies, on a date.
Kang raises an eyebrow.
“What?”
“I used to always have popcorn and Coke while listening to your show.”
He runs a hand through his hair and looks down, but I still catch a glimpse of a crooked smile. Is this guy for real? And am I really out of the house with no wig? It all feels too surreal.
“Used to? So you don’t listen to my show anymore?” he asks, tossing popcorn into his mouth as we walk into the theater.
“Why bother, I have the real version now,” I joke, shrugging.
“Ouch,” he whispers. “So I’ve lost a listener but gained a girlfriend.”
We both stop abruptly. Kang coughs, choking on his popcorn. I pat him on the back. My heart is racing out of control.
“I mean…” he says, recovering. “It’s a figure of speech…”
I don’t know if he’s flushed because of what he just said or because he almost choked to death on a piece of popcorn.
“It’s too soon, I know… I’m not pressuring you…”
“I know what you meant, Kang,” I say, laughing.
He runs his hand over his face. “I’m just such a mess with you.”
I scoff. “As if you haven’t noticed how much of a mess I am around you.”
As we take our seats, I steal a few glances at my date next to me and yelp internally.
The movie must be popular because the theater fills up immediately.
Sitting next to Kang doesn’t make me as nervous as being surrounded by so many people in a new and unfamiliar enclosed space.
It took me months to make it all the way to the park with Kamila and Andy.
When I started going to campus, it was planned out, with incredible support at my disposal.
This, however, is new… and new always triggers my anxiety.
Kang seems to notice my discomfort and is staring at me with concern. “Are you okay?”
I nod, my body tense. I take a deep breath as the movie begins.
But I know I’m not okay. I’m unable to eat any popcorn, or drink my Coke, unable to enjoy sitting next to my handsome date.
Everything takes a back seat when you’re having a panic attack, nothing else matters—you feel only fear and the need to flee, to escape.
I try to calm myself because I don’t want to make a scene, but I’m terrified and it’s hard to breathe.
Each inhale seems to become caught in my throat, making me feel even more desperate.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” I say to Kang, standing up before he has time to respond and pushing past the other people in our row.
Out in the lobby, my breath becomes increasingly rapid.
I need to get out of here. I can’t breathe. There’s something wrong with my lungs. I’m so scared.
I rush out of the theater and the winter chill hits my face; the fresh air is a shock, offering some relief.
But it’s only momentary, because I’m unable to regain control. There’s nothing I can do to make myself breathe normally. I’m not okay.
You have to calm down, Klara, breathe . But I can’t.
But then I conjure Dr. B.’s encouraging words in my mind. “You are in control. Even when you feel you’re at your worst, remember that you are in control. And remember that it will pass, Klara, hold on to that; a panic attack is always going to pass.”
It’s going to pass.
I move away from the entrance, walking with one hand along the wall until I turn and step into a dark and desolate alleyway. Hyperventilating, I press my back against the wall and slide down to the ground.
Come on, Klara, you’ve done it before, you can do it again .
I stretch my legs out in front of me, close my eyes, place my hands on my thighs, and begin to raise and lower them in that rhythm I know so well.
I am calm, I am safe, I am protected, I repeat over and over.
I exhale, tears streaming into my mouth.
I am calm, I am safe, I am protected…
My hands continue to move in rhythm.
I know what this is. This is a panic attack, and I know it’s going to pass. I’m in control because I know exactly what it is. A panic attack.
I repeat those words over and over, ignoring my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. I’m sure it’s Kang. He must be worried, but before I answer him, I need to get through this.
After a few minutes, I’m breathing normally again. I look at the parked cars in the distance and I feel the cold of the nighttime breeze.
I did it. I was able to get through a panic attack again, on my own.
I remember Dr. B.’s suggestion that I congratulate myself out loud. “Well done, Klara,” I whisper, hugging myself and rubbing my arms. “You did a good job.”
I stand up and walk out of the alley back into the light, both literally and metaphorically.
“Klara!”
Kang, standing outside the entrance, runs toward me, visibly concerned. And he grows even more worried when he sees my face.
“Hey, are you okay?”
I tell him the truth. “I had a panic attack.”
I search his face for any hint of disapproval, but he just sighs and pulls me into a hug. I stand there for a second, not reacting, until I finally wrap my arms around his waist. He smells so good and his warmth is so comforting.
“You scared me,” he admits as he rubs the back of my neck.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t apologize.” He leans back and takes my face in both hands.
He looks at me with those black eyes that exude honesty.
“I want you to understand that this isn’t something you have to hide from me.
I know we’re just getting to know each other, but you can trust me.
You don’t have to face everything alone. Let me help you. I want to help you.”
I put my hands on his. “I know, but there are some battles I have to fight on my own, Kang.” I offer him a sad smile. “There are times when I have to be my own knight in shining armor.”
He runs a thumb over my cheekbone as his eyes fall to my lips.
“I know the timing isn’t the best, but I’m dying to kiss you.”
He looks surprised when I nod, blushing, and then he presses his lips to mine.
For a second, I forget what just happened, and the world around me falls away.
All I feel are Kang’s soft lips against mine.
He holds my face gently and I grip his arms when it feels like my legs are about to give out beneath me.
It’s amazing how much things can change from one moment to the next: I just had a bad panic attack, but was able to get through it on my own; I couldn’t handle a regular movie date with the guy I like, but now I’m kissing him.
I guess that’s what life is: a collection of good and bad moments.
Right now, I want to focus on this good moment; dwelling on the bad won’t change it.
Kang pulls back, his face still hovering close to mine. “Damn, Klara, you have no idea what you do to me,” he says, nestling his nose against mine, his chest moving rapidly. He gives me another short kiss.
“I can say the same about you.” I smirk.
Kang straightens up and drops his hands from my face. “Should we go get some ice cream?”
“Yes.” I take his hand and he looks down, blushing.
“We have a lot to talk about, Klara with a K.”
We hold hands as we walk to his car.
“Over ice cream, I’ll tell you about someone very special to me: my brother, Jung.”