Chapter 38 Confide in Me
KANG
TWO LARGE CUPS of ice cream on the table between us. I play with the spoon as I prepare to tell Klara everything I remember from that day—every detail, every emotion.
I squint in the bright light of the hospital hallway. My eyes are irritated from crying so hard at my brother’s funeral. I walk past nurses and doctors who look at me without saying a word. They’re probably used to seeing people crying in these halls.
In my hand, I clutch a small slip of paper I received only days ago with the name of the psychiatrist who was scheduled to see my brother. I walk quickly, checking the office doors for the name. I’m a mess, I don’t even know what I’m doing.
I turn a corner into an empty hallway where I finally find the door with the name I’m looking for. I knock desperately.
A nurse opens the door and looks at me quizzically. I can see her desk and another door behind her. I imagine it leads to the doctor’s office.
“Can I help you? Are you okay?”
“Where is Dr. Rodríguez?”
The woman frowns and looks me up and down. I’m still wearing my black suit from the funeral. I’m disheveled and I don’t even want to imagine what my face looks like.
“Dr. Rodríguez is making her rounds. She should be back any minute. Do you have an appointment with her?”
I shake my head.
“Are you all right? What’s your name?”
“Kang,” I whisper.
“Well, Kang, do you want to come in and wait? The doctor will be back soon.”
“No, I don’t…” I crush the slip of paper in my hand. I notice movement to my right and turn to see a young doctor with dark hair in a messy bun walking down the hall toward me. She’s wearing a white coat and has one hand in her pocket while the other holds a plastic cup of coffee.
“Dr. Rodríguez, this young man—”
“You!” I say from between gritted teeth, running toward her with my fists clenched. “You!”
She doesn’t say anything, just watches me.
“Why couldn’t you see my brother the day we came to the psychologist?
Why?! He was already here, you would’ve only had to see him for one second, one fucking second!
” I don’t usually talk like this, but I’m out of control.
“That would’ve been enough! Why? He was so bad off, he needed you to see him, but instead you were off that day, probably on a fancy vacation instead of doing your job.
” Tears of rage flood my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. “My brother is dead because of you!”
Dr. Rodríguez’s expression softens and her eyes fill with sadness.
I take another step toward her, pointing at her. “My brother is dead! Because of you!”
“Kang…” the nurse behind me starts to say, but the doctor raises a hand.
Why doesn’t she say anything?
“You could’ve saved him! You could’ve…” I choke on the sobs stuck in my throat.
“I just left his funeral. I had to say goodbye to him… He was only twenty, he…” I pause, struggling to breathe.
“I couldn’t save him. I… I did what I could, but…
If only you had seen him that day, if only…
” I take a step back, wiping my tears. “If only…” I rub my chest, pain coursing through my body just as it did the day I found Jung dead in his room.
“You could’ve saved him, and I didn’t do enough, and now I can’t do anything, because he’s dead…
” I say through the tears. My knees give out and I crumble to the ground.
“He… there’s nothing I can do now; it’s too late. ”
The doctor hands her coffee to the nurse and sits down in front of me.
There is evident sadness in her expression, but at the same time she transmits so much peace.
“You can cry, scream, insult me,” she says.
“It’s okay, Kang. It’s okay to express what you’re feeling.
And if anger is the predominant emotion in your heart right now, I want you to know that it’s completely normal.
All that pain, rage, helplessness, and guilt are completely normal, Kang. ”
“How can you be so calm when my brother is dead because of you? You wouldn’t see him that day and he’d be alive if you’d done your job.” My words are fueled by anger. “Why didn’t you just do your job that day?! Why?!”
“I wasn’t at the hospital, Kang. I wasn’t on call. If I had been here, I’m sure I would’ve fit him in…”
“Excuses! They called you and you decided not to come, didn’t you?”
“Not this time, Kang.”
“Bullshit!”
She sighs, her eyes reddening slightly. “My mother died that week.”
At her words, it’s as if a bucket of cold water has doused my anger, cooling it down immediately.
The doctor takes a deep breath to keep herself from crying. “But that’s not important right now. Would you like to come into my office for a while?” she asks.
I feel like shit. “I’m sorry… I… I don’t know what I’m doing… I’m so sorry… I don’t know what I was thinking coming here. I just…”
She puts a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay, Kang.” She rubs my back gently. “I’m very sorry about your brother’s death, and if it’s okay with you, I’d like to help you deal with all this.”
I shake my head, silently crying. “That’s not why I came.”
“Maybe not, but since you’re here, I think it would do you good to talk to someone.”
“I don’t even have an appointment.”
“Don’t worry about that—if I tell you I have time to talk, it’s because I do.” She stands up and offers me a hand.
I hesitate, but then Jung’s sad face flashes in my mind and I think about how different everything would’ve been if he’d gotten help when he needed it. So I take the doctor’s hand and follow her into her office.
Dr. Rodríguez was my psychiatrist for the year it took me to process my grief. And she became very special to me. I’m eternally grateful to her, but I didn’t want to see her in front of Klara; at least not until Klara heard the story from my mouth.
I wish I didn’t have to tell Klara such a tragic tale on our first date, but sooner or later she’ll want to introduce me to her sister, so it’s better that she knows.
I take a deep breath. “My older brother Jung died by suicide.”
Klara opens her mouth and reaches across the table to take my hand. “I’m so sorry, Kang.”
“My father didn’t believe in depression, in anything to do with mental health.
He said it was all a matter of willpower.
” It feels good to talk about this without wanting to cry.
“He wouldn’t let my brother see a therapist, even though he was suffering from a deep depression after a car accident.
I thought I could save him.” I smile sadly to myself.
“I guess we always want to be heroes for the people we love.”
Klara squeezes my hand gently.
“One day, Jung couldn’t take it anymore and he took his own life.” I need another deep breath to continue. “It tore me apart. I… I can’t explain in words the pain I felt, that I still feel. I loved my brother with all my heart—we were very close. It was an extremely difficult time for me.”
“I can’t even imagine, Kang, I’m so sorry.” Klara’s voice transmits calm.
“Look at me, telling you all this on our first date… I’d totally understand if you didn’t want to see me ever again,” I joke, trying to alleviate the tension caused by my confession.
The truth is that my heart wouldn’t be able to take it if she didn’t want to see me again.
I study her, searching her small face for any sign of rejection, but I find only a reassuring smile.
She shakes her head. “Thank you for being willing to tell me what happened to your brother,” she says.
I stare at her. I want to hug her, kiss her, but I hold back because I don’t want to be too intense.
I don’t want to do anything that could ruin what we’ve started to build.
I guess I like her a lot more than I thought.
I sigh before continuing. “Anyway, before Jung… died, I took him to a psychologist who referred him to a psychiatrist…”
“To my sister…” she guesses correctly.
I nod. “Yes, but we never made it to the appointment because my father wouldn’t let us, and then it was too late.
I…” I remember my anger as I marched down the hospital hallway prepared to confront that doctor.
“I was so angry the day of Jung’s funeral that I went to the hospital to tell Dr. Rodríguez off for not seeing Jung.
But she told me she wasn’t at the hospital that day because”—Klara waits patiently—“because your mother had died that week.”
She tenses up and pulls her hand away from mine, then looks away. It’s a sensitive subject and she didn’t expect me to know.
“I became your sister’s patient that day,” I continue. I don’t want to bring up her mother; she’s had a hard enough night already. “I’m so grateful to Dr. Rodríguez. Your sister is an excellent psychiatrist. She helped me so much.”
“Is that why you were hiding from her, so I wouldn’t see that she knew you?”
“I wanted to tell you myself.”
“I understand.” She reaches across the table, intertwining her hands with mine. “Thank you for telling me, Kang… I know all too well how difficult it is to talk about the death of a loved one.”
Again, I stare at her. She seems unreal to me: the understanding expression, the sweet smile on her lips, the sparkle in her eyes, the tousled curls around her face… Everything about her is so genuine, so beautiful. Klara transmits such a sense of peace… I can’t help but be in awe of her.
“I like you a lot, Klara,” I let out.
Her eyes widen in surprise and her cheeks immediately blush. I imagine I must be just as red.
“I…” She pauses, and I give her time, although I can’t help but feel nervous. “I like you too, Kang.”
We sit in the bright, colorful ice cream shop, smiling at each other and chatting comfortably.
I don’t want the date to end. I never thought I could feel this way about a girl so quickly.
I was able to talk to her about my brother without crying and I even got up the courage to tell her how much I like her.
There’s something special about Klara that makes me want to open up to her, because she listens without judging, accepting me as I am. I’ve never known anyone else like her.
Klara with a K is one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met. I will do my best to stay a part of her life for a long time.