14. “Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing.” – Chuck Palahniuk （Fight Club）
Chapter 14
“Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing.” – Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)
Austin
K nowing that if I’d gone home I’d end up decking Kevin and then have to deck Kyle as well, I contacted my professors to let them know I’d had a family emergency and would need to go home for the week. My parents were more confused as to why I was home without Dylan. It was a conversation I couldn’t face having with them. How did you explain to someone that what they thought was exactly what happened? That you actually didn’t do anything wrong, but that you understood where they were coming from, so you agreed to let them take some time for themselves, all the while probably thinking that I was some cheating scumbag?
It wouldn’t be so bad if I had at least gone into that garden with Kevin knowing that I was doing something wrong. Was it wrong for me to be alone with a guy during a party? Hell no! And yet here I sat, alone in my childhood bedroom While my boyfriend was back in New York, listening to god knows what garbage from his friends about how I didn’t deserve him and how much better he could do.
The problem was, they were right.
Dylan was so much more of a better person than I was. How he could have seen me through all the bullshit of high school, how he’d seen past the fa?ade of my friends, right through the crowd and right into the heart of me, never failed to amaze me. While I knew I was objectively and classically handsome, Dylan was beautiful. It annoyed me how not everyone could see that right away.
I saw him. Even now when part of me was angry at him for not trusting me, I saw his beauty and his kindness. I missed him.
“Austin honey,” my mom knocked lightly on my door, “you have a visitor.”
It couldn’t be, could it? I shoved off my bed and threw my door open, hoping against hope he was standing on the other side.
My face fell.
“I hope all people don’t have that sad look on their faces when they lay eyes on me.” Standing just off to the side of my mom was Garrett fucking Marks. I never told my parents what had happened between myself, Garrett and Dylan. Our parents were quite close to Garrett’s, and Dylan had convinced me to keep my mouth shut as my parents had not done anything wrong, and he didn’t want to run the risk of inserting any type of wedge between our families.
“You boys behave up here,” she smiled, reaching across to squeeze Garrett’s shoulder, “I can’t believe you boys are all grown up and out of the house.”
“I can assure you that I’m still the idiot I was when I was younger.” Garrett winked at her before his face broke out into a wide smile.
“Ain’t that the truth,” I muttered under my breath. Garrett, obviously hearing me, cast his gaze quickly to the floor.
“Anyway, I will give you boys some space. Shout me if you want me to bring any snacks up Austin.” I briefly nodded as she went back downstairs.
Not wanting to drag this out any longer that I needed to, I began. “What are you doing here, Garrett?” I turned and walked into my room, leaving my door open behind me. The door clicked closed as he followed me inside.
“Is that any way to treat your oldest friend?” Garrett’s fingers skimmed the edge of my desk before he turned around to rest against it.
“We aren’t friends.” I sank down to the bed, pulling up a Rocky and Bullwinkle stuffed toy from the ottoman at the end of my bed and squeezing it against me.
“You still have that thing?” Of course, Auston knew every inch of my room and pretty much every item in it. We had spent countless hours gaming, wrestling and talking about football or basically any sport that was on ESPN at whatever time of day.
“Garrett…” I had no interest in being dragged into a conversation. I needed him to state his business and get the fuck out of my room.
“My parents told me that you were back, and I thought that you might be here with Dylan.” He almost winced as he said Dylan’s name.
I didn’t like hearing Dylan’s name coming out of his mouth. “What, so you thought you would just come into my house, into my room and pick a fight with my boyfriend?”
“What? No!” He pushed off the desk and came to sit next to me on the bed. I wasn’t that petty that I would take a swing for him or move away when he sat next to me. “I hoped he would be here so I could apologize to him.”
“Apologize? You?” I barked out a laugh. “Dude, you clocked me in the eye with your elbow when we were playing beach volleyball, and said it was my fault as my shades, which you’d stolen from my bag, didn’t protect for shit and the sun got in your eyes. You don’t apologize.”
I caught the sad expression on his face as he shook his head slowly. “You’re right, I don’t. I need to apologize to him though.”
An uneasy thought crossed my brain for a moment. “Garrett, are you okay? That’s kind of getting my affairs in order kinda talk.”
“I’m not dying, you goon!” He punched me lightly in the arm. “I’m just finding it hard in college to move forward, when I have the awful thing in my past that I can’t make right.”
“I honestly don’t think Dylan spends an awful lot of time thinking about you to be honest man.” I shrugged. “I mean, I think you were a fucking monster, actually scratch that, we were all fucking monsters to Dylan, but you more than most. And yes, you do need to apologize, but don’t think that he spends all his time thinking about you, because he doesn’t.”
“You know me Austin.” His eyes still didn’t leave the ground. “I’m a selfish prick. This is all about me. This is about giving myself the opportunity to free myself of all this guilt.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t let myself fully love my boyfriend and give him all of me if I’m holding back from him.”
Well fuck me . I pushed to my feet and put some distance between the two of us. I oscillated rapidly between sorrow, pity, anger and confusion. I very quickly settled on anger.
“Boyfriend?” I exclaimed loudly. “Boyfriend? Are you shitting me?”
“I know!” He rested his face in his hands. “I am a complete shit, I know.”
“Shit is too kind of a word for you,” I gestured around myself aimlessly, “you’re the stale old smell that lingers on old shit.”
“Poetic?” He looked up as a smile broke on his face.
“This isn’t happy time Garrett,” I growled. “Do you know how the shit that you put Dylan through affected him; how much it still affects him, even now?”
“I know!” Garrett came to stand in front of me, resting a hand on my shoulder. “That’s why I need to apologize to him.”
I brushed his hand away from me and stalked across to the other side of the room. All the shit that we were going through at the moment could be traced back to all the nasty bile that Garrett had spewed on Dylan during high school. I knew I couldn’t exactly blame Garrett for whatever was going on between me and Dylan at the moment, but I could place Dylan’s lack of trust of jocks squarely on his shoulders.
“I’m not asking you to ask him to forgive me.” Garrett rested against the end of my bed. “I know I have to do all the work here. I just need a way to contact him. I was going to try his dad, but his sister slammed the door in my face.” I smiled, thinking that was exactly what I would expect of Dylan’s little sister.
I swiped my phone off the nightstand and pulled up the text message thread between myself and Dylan. “I’m not promising anything,” I grumbled.
Me: Hey, I know you asked for space and I’m giving it to you. I’m back home with my parents. I have a small favor to ask you.
Dylan: What do you mean you are back with your parents?!?! Have you dropped out? Why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me something like that? I thought I asked for space, not for you to drop out of college and leave me in New York alone.
Interesting. A small spark of hope bloomed in my chest.
Me: Easy baby, I just went home for a week to clear my head. I’m coming back after the weekend.
Dylan: Oh okay, that’s okay then.
Very interesting.
Me: So yeah about that favor? I have Garrett here with me.
Dylan: I can help you bury his body, sure.
Me: While it’s comforting to know you would help me dispose of a body, it’s not that.
“What are you grinning so hard at?” Garrett mumbled from across the room.
“Dylan’s just offered to help me bury your remains.” I smiled and returned to my texting.
“Sweet?” Garrett laughed nervously.
Dylan: So what do you need help with? And why is he there?
Me: He wants your number.
Dylan: I know I said I wanted some space, but I also didn’t mean we could sleep with other people, and more than that, you can’t pimp me out to your old douchebag friends.
Me: No one gets to touch you but me.
Dylan: Now that you bring that up. I got a lengthy text message from Kyle explaining that Kevin had set you up. Apparently he raked his brother over the coals and got him to admit that he had barred my entry from the party to try and get you alone. This is not me letting you off the hook by the way. You went out into the garden with him alone. We both knew that he had a thing for you, and you let yourself be put in a position for something like that to happen.
Me: I know, and I don’t know what I was thinking, but you have to believe me that I don’t want anyone else.
Dylan: I believe you. But you have to know how toxic Kyle and Kevin are.
Me: Kyle’s my buddy, Dylan. If you want to stay away from Kevin, then I understand that, but I live with Kyle.
Dylan: Listen I don’t really want to get into that right now. When you get back we can go for coffee and straighten this all out. Now what the hell does that D-bag want with my number?
Me: He says that he was make things right between you two.
Dylan: Why?
Me: So he can clear his conscience and move forward with his boyfriend.
Dylan: With his what?!?!
A few days later I sat inside a small coffee shop that bordered Washington Square Park. The sound of a bell had my eyes snapping up to see Dylan pushing through the doors. Just like always he took my breath away as his gaze met mine. Today he wore a pair of faded blue denim jeans, with a powder blue Oxford shirt, unbuttoned, with a white t-shirt underneath. His hair was longer and pushed back across his head, with small tufts in it as if he had been running his fingers through it.
I quickly stood and reached for the black leather backpack on his shoulder, and slid it underneath the table. I wanted to kiss him so badly. Even though we had managed to set aside what had happened at the frat party, there was still a level of unease at meeting again for the first time in a couple of weeks.
I moved slowly towards him, my arms coming up. “Can I?” My voice sounded breathy, almost like I was begging.
Dylan rolled his eyes and nodded. “Of course, moron.” He stepped into my arms and pressed his face where my collar bone met my neck. Muscles in my neck and back that I had not realized were tense, suddenly released. For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, I took an easy breath.
I pulled back slightly, gripping him by the biceps as if at any moment he might bolt. His stare met mine. “I love you.” I stated simply. It was my only truth and the only thing I needed him to know in that moment.
“I love you too.” He smiled. “But right now I love coffee more, so I’m heading up to the counter. Want anything?”
I smiled, shaking my head and waving him off towards the counter. I watched as he meandered through the tables towards the smiling waitress behind the glass display cabinet. I watched as a blush spread across her cheeks, as he peered through the glass at the array of cookies and cakes. I saw as she noticed his sweetness and sexiness, without him ever having to mutter a word. In that moment I knew that he was so far out of my league that I was lucky to have him love me back.
His kindness was clear in the way he’d simply accepted Garrett’s apology. Even after everything Garrett had put him through, Dylan had swept it all aside and told Garrett to follow his heart. He’d told him that if he was any type of decent person, then the best way to earn his redemption was to show his boyfriend each and every day just how special he was and that he was loved, cared for and respected.
Garrett and Dylan would not be best friends any time soon, but the mere fact that Dylan was able to see past his own history to the scared, insecure and confused guy that Garrett seemingly was all along, astounded me.
“I know you said you didn’t want anything,” Dylan sucked air through his teeth, “but they all looked so good, and I couldn’t decide.”
My eyes bulged as he placed down an array of sweet treats on the table between us. I reached across the table and snagged his hand, pulling it towards me and pressing my lips against his knuckles.
I’d been having some thoughts over the last few days about our first year at college and where our relationship had been going. I’d come to the conclusion in the week away from the man in front of me that more time apart really wasn’t an idea I wanted to entertain for very much longer.
“Listen, before we go any further, I need to get something off my chest.” I placed his hand on the table in front of him.
“Okay?”
“Well, I think it was a good idea for us to live separately when we moved to New York. I mean, our relationship was still really new and although we both knew we wanted to be together, we both knew that anything could happen.”
“Okay so you’re happy we are living apart. Got it.” A frown etched his brow.
“What I mean to say is that I think we have done this long enough.” I smiled, expecting the same smile to be reflected back at me.
“You want to break up?” His frown deepened.
“What? No!” I laughed. “I mean next year I want us to live together.”
His face fell and my heart cracked.
“Austin, that’s really sweet but I really don’t want to live with your friends.” I tried to interject but he held a hand up to stop me. “I know that they are your friends, and I would never dream of telling you who you can be friends with, but I don’t want to live with the Four Horse-Douches.”
“Ah a name variation,” I smiled, “but no, I was thinking that maybe we could get somewhere together off campus, and I mean way, way, way off campus. I mean likely a small box for us both to live in, given New York prices.”
“But our box, right?” His smile returned. “Just you and me.”
“Yeah, just you and me.” I reached across to grab his hand once more.
“I think I love that idea.”