13. In high school, I was a total jock/extracurricular nerd/just plain nerd. – Mark Feuerstein
Chapter 13
In high school, I was a total jock/extracurricular nerd/just plain nerd. – Mark Feuerstein
Austin
“ A ustin don’t!” I felt a hand tug on my elbow as I pushed away quickly from the bench. I pulled my arm away roughly like his touch had physically burned me.
“Hey, easy.” Kevin’s expression was wary as he held up his hands. “I think you should let him go.”
“What? No!” I didn’t understand what he was saying. Give Dylan up? Fuck that! This was all just a big understanding, he had to have seen that, right? What exactly had he seen? He must have seen me push Kevin off when he kissed me. I’d pushed him off, right?
“He will be too upset to talk to you right now.” Kevin moved to stand next to me, his hand coming up to rest on my back. He must have felt how my muscles stiffened under his touch as his hand dropped listlessly at his side.
“I need to go find him.” I looked helplessly at the house. “I need to let him know that this was nothing.”
“Nothing?” Kevin’s voice had me spinning on my heel to face him. He looked hurt and confused.
“Yes, nothing.” Kevin couldn’t have thought anything was going to happen between us. I didn’t think I had sent him any signals that could have made him think I’d given him the green light to make a move on me. “I love Dylan and I need to go find him and make sure he still knows that.”
“Yeah sure.” Kevin gestured meekly towards the house.
“Listen Kevin, you’re a great guy,” I started to walk slowly backwards, “but you’re nothing compared to him.” At that final nail in the coffin, I saw his face crumple as I turned to jog towards the house.
I threw the door leading into the kitchen open, looking between the groups of nameless faces to try to find the one face I actually wanted to see; actually, not wanted, needed to see. Panic clawed at my gut as my gaze jumped from face to face. I moved quickly down the hallways, opening every door I could find to no avail. I spotted Kyle through the crowd in the living room, slouched back on one of the sofas, flanked by two frat brothers. Both of them were looking at him like he was prime rib and they were starving.
“Kyle, have you seen Dylan?” I shouted across the room. Kyle’s head popped up as he spotted me across the crowd.
“Yeah, he was here a little while ago. I sent him to find you and Kevin.” He winked. The fucker actually winked. He must have seen the rage building on my face as he had the decency to pale. “Why, what’s up?”
“Why the fuck would you do that?” I slammed my fist down on a side table next to me. The red plastic cups that had been resting there tumbled over and fell to the floor. One of Kyle’s admirers’ eyes bugged out of his head as he pulled a tissue from his pocket in an attempt to mop up the spilled amber liquid that now oozed into the cream rug below.
“Dude!” he groaned as he called for another brother to bring him some towels.
“Why the fuck would I do what?” Kyle shouted over his head. “Tell him to go find his boyfriend?”
What could I say? Kyle was right; no matter what his motives had been, he wasn’t the one who’d fucked up. That honor belonged to me. I scanned the room and the rest of the house, but Dylan was nowhere to be found. He’d left. Left the party, and from the look on his face, he’d left me also.
I tried calling his phone but there was no answer, each of my messages left unread and my calls sent straight to answerphone. I tried Natalie but again, none of my calls were answered. I jogged down the street towards the lights of an open café, but a quick scan through the window tells me he wasn’t there. I watched as two men who looked to be in their late thirties sat across a small metal table from each other. Reaching across the table, they grasped each other’s hands and were chatting away like there wasn’t a crisis going on just outside the window. I looked down the street but didn’t spot him. I circled the block around the house, just hoping against hope that I found him.
I didn’t.
Part of me was angry with Kevin; a larger part was furious with myself, but a small part was also pissed at Dylan. Sure, I did let myself be in that position, but if he would have just held out for a second longer, or stood up for himself and swung for Kevin or even me, he would have given me the chance to tell him that it wasn’t what he’d thought. God, that sounded like such a cliché.
An hour later I found myself outside his building, staring up at the window that I knew to be his. The lights were on, so I knew he had to have come back. I pressed on the buzzer for reception. A buzz sounded, followed by the sound of the lock disengaging, releasing some of the tension in my gut. I was in the building; that was something at least.
“Austin.” The RA sat behind their desk staring at the screen of their laptop, their fingers clacking away quickly on the keys, their attention not leaving the bright screen even for a moment. “How can I help you this evening?”
“I need to get up to see Dylan.” I leaned against the white Formica countertop, the cold surface cooling my heated skin. Not wanting to wait for the subway, I had jogged through the darkened streets of the city, each of the faces I’d passed on the street looked as if they’d somehow known what I’d done and had been silently judging me. Of course I’d known that I’d just been reflecting myself back on them. I hated myself, I hated that I’d hurt him and that I’d done the very thing I promised I would never do.
“So, no offence, but why are you talking to me?” It was a very good question, seeing as Dylan always buzzed me in or let the RA know that I was on the way.
“I really just need to get up to see him.”
The RA looked up, a frown etched on their face, a slight look of irritation passing briefly across their features. I tried my best for a smile, hoping that they might take some pity and just let me pass.
“I mean, I can call up to his room and ask him?” Their tone made it very clear it was the last thing they wanted to be doing.
“Don’t bother.” A door slammed closed to my left. I knew that voice. I knew that voice when it was pissed off and I definitely knew that voice when it was aimed in my direction.
“Oh my god Hailey.” My immediate instinct was to smile. I hadn’t seen Hailey in what felt like forever, but had more likely only been a few weeks. I loved Hailey, not only for her fierce determined attitude and personality, but also the unfailing way she defended Dylan when I didn’t. I didn’t smile, though. The look on her face told me that if I acted on my instinct, I would end up getting a sharp right hook to the jaw.
“What the hell did you go and do?” How would I even go about answering that question? What would I say that could make this any better? Dylan didn’t stick around long enough for me to explain. It wasn’t what it looked like. No matter what, I let myself be out there alone with Kevin. I’d fucked up. So I told her that.
“Hailey, I fucked up.” I moved a couple of steps toward her, before the narrowing of her eyes had me rooted in my place. “I need to see him.”
“You fucked up?” She flexed her fingers by her side. “Do you really think that’s going to cut it? You did more than fuck up. You destroyed my friend.”
Her words were like a hot blade to my soul. I knew I’d hurt him, but I’d pushed that feeling down into the very pit of my stomach. If I’d really let myself acknowledge how he must be feeling, I didn’t know if I could be standing in this spot right now, begging to just lay eyes on my Dylan.
“I just need to talk to him,” I pleaded, “just for a few minutes. I need to tell him that I’m sorry and that I love him.” I felt the hot acid in my throat, the burning in the corner of my eyes. I felt the cramping begin in my gut.
“Austin, he knows you’re here.” Hailey ground out between her teeth.
“What?” I looked around an empty reception.
“It’s why I came down. He saw you out the window.” Hailey regarded me like I was little more that filth, and turned to the RA at the desk. “Dylan would like you to revoke Austin’s access privileges against Dylan’s name.”
“Hailey it wasn’t what he thought!” My hands flailed uselessly. “I didn’t do what he thought I did!”
“Revoke it now,” she murmured before turning away.
“Hailey no!” I stepped forward.
She held a hand up in front of her. “He knows that he can’t keep Austin from the building,” Hailey walked towards the bank of elevators and pressed the up button, “but he won’t be allowed access to Dylan’s room.”
“Hailey please tell him I have to speak to him.”
Hailey shook her head sadly and walked into the open elevator in front of her. The doors began to close, but her hand came out to stop them. “I told him to give you a chance you know. Back then. Back in school.”
“Hailey...”
“Watching what you have done to him tonight makes me see I was wrong now,” the doors began to close, “you’re just like them.”
I felt the eyes of the RA on me as I dipped my head and made my way through the front doors back onto the pedestrian-packed streets. My gaze travelled up the building to his floor, hoping against hope that I might just see him peering out of the window, dying to get a glimpse of him to wipe away that last look of hurt and disappointment from his face.
“You’re going to hurt me, you know.” Dylan had threaded his fingers through mine as they’d rested against his stomach. After school had finished today, we’d come back to his house to watch a movie which had very quickly led to making out, hot and heavy, on his bed and ignoring whatever was going on the screen. If you’d paid me a million dollars, I could not for the life of me have told you what movie had been playing in that moment. I’d curled myself around him, squeezing him back against me.
“Of course I’m not going to hurt you.” I’d rubbed the tip of my nose against the back of his neck, the hairs tickling my skin. “What do you mean?” My voice had sounded thick with sleep as I’d fought to stay awake, his warmth, scent, and everything that made him my Dylan lulling me to sleep behind him.
“I’m not saying you’re going to intentionally go out of your way to hurt me.” His fingers had squeezed mine. “I’m saying that I’m not the person you spend your forever with. You’re going to become a big star, and you are going to fall in love with another leading man and be in all the magazines, have a couple of kids and be one of those guys that everyone wants.”
I’d pulled away from him for a moment, just to shift him onto his back. I’d caged him in on either side, my forearms resting on either side of his head. I’d brought my face to within an inch of him. His warm sweet breath had mixed with my own.
“Dylan, I don’t know if I haven’t made myself clear here, but this is it for me.” I’d kissed the tip of his nose. “You’re it for me.”
“It’s okay,” he’d smiled, his hands coming to rest against my waist. “Let’s not talk about it, I’m just being stupid. Kiss me.”
The smile hadn’t quite reached his eyes. “No.”
“Okay, well I didn’t think you would be turning down my advances so soon.” He’d frowned playfully.
“Dylan, I mean no, I’m not going to forget it.” He’d tried to wriggle out from under me, but I’d held him in place between my thighs. “Baby, is that what you think I’m going to do for real?”
He’d huffed a moment before meeting my gaze. “I don’t think you’re going to be able to help it.” It had broken my heart to think that he’d truly believed I was just going to ditch him somewhere along the way. In such a short amount of time, he had become one of, if not the most, important person in my life and someone I just couldn’t and didn’t want to live without. I’d just needed to find some way to convince him that he wasn’t just mine, but I was also his.
“I think there is going to come a time that I’m not going to be enough for you.” I’d seen nothing but honesty in his eyes.
“Well, I’m just going to have to spend the rest of my life proving you wrong then, aren’t I.” His smile had shined through the clouds on his face. He’d huffed out a small laugh before shrugging. “I’m not going to hurt you. Hurting you only hurts me and I’m a selfish bastard.”
I stared up at his window with the realization dawning that we’d both been right. I had ended up hurting him, and this pain in my chest made me want to die.
A little over an hour later, I collapsed onto my bed. The cold sheets were rough against my skin. The keys, phone and wallet in my pocket dug into my thigh. Groaning, I turned onto my side and pulled them all free and lay them on the top of my bedside table. I stared at my phone, willing myself not to call his number and beg for some kind of forgiveness or understanding. He obviously did not want to speak to me right then, and I just had to respect that. I clicked off the light and prayed that sleep took me quickly.
I woke a little after seven am and automatically reached for my phone. There were about a dozen messages on my phone but none from the one number that I wanted to see.
Kevin: Hey hope you’re okay. I want to say I’m sorry I made a move, but I don’t want to lie. I like you, and I think we could be good together. Call me if you want. X
Bile burned in my throat as last night’s shit show came roaring back to the front of my mind. I immediately deleted the message and worked through the rest of my messages. One of them was a rather lengthy text from Natalie detailing all the ways in which I was very much like a piece of shit or hot garbage. The girl could get quite beautifully descriptive when she wanted to be. While it did hurt to see a message so scathing from someone I’d thought quite liked me, I was glad that Dylan had such strong support from his loyal friends.
I pulled up Dylan’s name and began.
Me: Hey, we need to talk.
I put my phone back on the bedside table and escaped to the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror. The man looking back from me didn’t look any different, however, the feeling I got when he stared back at me was nothing like how it felt every other day of my life. In my mind, now that I had a chance to think about last night’s events in the light of day, I knew I hadn’t really done anything wrong. Yes, I had put myself into a situation where Kevin had thought it was okay to make a move, but I hadn’t asked for it and I certainly hadn’t stayed in the moment. Kevin was not what I wanted or who I needed. In my heart, however, I knew I was the reason that Dylan was hurting, and I didn’t know how to deal with that.
Dylan needed to hear me out, to understand that to me it had just been harmless flirting. To me it had been nothing, and the fact that Kevin had taken it further was not my doing. I needed him to know that the pain he was feeling, While real, was unwarranted, that I was still his and he was still mine.
I scrubbed my teeth and resolved to make sure that whatever happened, Dylan knew how special and unique he was to me and that nothing and no one was going to come between us. I returned to my bedroom and snatched up my phone. A message flashed across my screen.
Dylan: I don’t know what there is to talk about Austin.
Me: What do you mean? We need to talk about us.
Dylan: You didn’t seem to give a shit about ‘us’ with Kevin’s tongue down the back of your throat last night.
I groaned and scrubbed the back of my hand across my eyes.
Me: Dylan babe, I know you think you know what you saw. But I can promise you that it wasn’t. Please just let me explain and I can show you that I didn’t do anything wrong.
My phone vibrated in my hand, Dylan’s number flashing on the screen. I swiped to answer and barely had a chance to get the phone to my ear before he began.
“Didn’t do anything wrong! Are you fucking serious?” His voice seethed on the other end of the line.
“Dylan, if you would just…”
“I mean, forgetting the fact that your asshole buddy refused to let me into the party…” Dylan bit out.
Woah, what? “Who wouldn’t let you into the party?” I interrupted.
“Like you don’t know.” He barked out a laugh, the meanness in his voice alien and unnerving.
“I’m serious Dylan, who wouldn’t let you in?” I pressed.
“Well, let’s just say you were getting very well acquainted with him last night.” Oh fuck. Kevin had planned the whole thing. He had kept Dylan out of the party, got me alone, and made his move.
“Listen Dylan, please you have to believe me, I didn’t know that.” I heard a deep sigh down the line.
“It doesn’t even matter Austin,” a feeling of dread began to pool in my gut, “if it wasn’t him, it would have just been someone else.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Austin, it’s not like I wasn’t expecting this. I knew it was just going to be a matter of time.” The dread slowly started to turn to acid, which churned hot in my stomach.
“A matter of time?” My jaw clenched so hard that my mouth began to ache.
“Before you’d find someone else who is… you know.”
“No, I clearly don’t.” This motherfucker.
“Who is more suited for you, someone who is like you.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear, biting my tongue so I didn’t say something that I knew I would regret later. “Why don’t you trust me?”
“Pardon?”
“Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me? Have I ever so much as looked at another guy since we have been going out? Have I not been completely honest and open with you every step of the way?”
“It’s not that simple,” he ground out.
“It kind of is that simple.” I didn’t want to drop this. The fact that he might think, might have been thinking this stuff about me, had me questioning everything. “Do you trust me?”
“I really thought I did.” His voice wavered at the end. The dread now roared to life in the form of a full-blown panic.
“Dylan listen, I don’t think this is the best way to talk about this. Can we please meet for lunch and get this shit sorted out?”
Silence was my answer, but I waited. I heard the cogs turning in his head. This was how my Dylan was. He needed to process rather than answering straight away. He knew, or at very least I hoped he knew how much I loved him.
“Listen Austin,” Okay, not the start of the response I wanted to hear, but I bit my tongue, “I’m really not ready to talk to you right now. Hailey is only here for a few days. I really want to spend this time with her. I think maybe a few days apart would do us good.”
“Are you leaving me?” I almost wanted to put the phone down so I didn’t have to hear the answer.
“Austin…”
“Are you?”
The silence returned. My fist tightened and then unclenched in my lap as I waited for his answer. Finally, he took a deep breath.
“No Austin, I’m not leaving you. I just need some time, okay?” What could I say? No? “Listen, I have to go, okay? Take care of yourself, Austin.”