12. “I’m integrating all the parts of me - jock, musician, writer, poet, philosopher - and becoming stronger as a result.” – Alanis Morrisette
Chapter 12
“I’m integrating all the parts of me - jock, musician, writer, poet, philosopher - and becoming stronger as a result.” – Alanis Morrisette
Austin
T wo Hours Earlier
“What the fuck Kyle?” I called down the stoop, my voice strained as I lugged the giant keg up the stairs of the brownstone. “I thought the whole point of a sponsored event is that you can pay to have this shit done for you.”
Kyle shrugged from his seated position on the top step of the stoop. “You know how it is, all the brothers help out.”
I dropped the keg on the floor of the entryway and moved to sit next to him. “Well, therein lies the problem.” I sucked air between my teeth. “I’m neither a frat brother or the hired help, so you best get to moving” I hooked a thumb over my shoulder towards the metal keg of beer on the floor.
“Oh, no can do, sweetie.” He shook his head, eyes filled with panic. “I just got my manicure earlier today and I have a shoot on Monday morning. My agent would kill me if I scuffed this.” He showed me his hands as if that was simply enough evidence to prove why he couldn’t get off his ass.
“Then you best be really careful.” I smiled, plucking the sunglasses out of my shirt pocket and sliding them on my face.
“Oh please.” Kyle gripped hold of my bicep and gave it a small squeeze. “I can promise that Kevin will be really grateful.” He gave me a wide smirk.
“Why on earth would I care what Kevin thinks?” I barked out a laugh.
“You know.” He gestured towards me as if that explained everything.
“No.” I scrunched up my nose. “Enlighten me.”
“Well, you guys have a thing for each other.” The ball of dread that reared its ugly head time and again made an appearance. This was the way of things with Kyle and the other guys at the house. I’d been very honest with them when I’d moved in that I was in a happy stable relationship, and that nothing was going to change that. For the first few weeks everything had seemed fine, apart from the curious glances and comments from my housemates to Dylan that had irked me. I had spoken to the guys, who had apologized and said they would knock it off and show Dylan the respect he deserved.
Dylan thought I was oblivious to the way that he and my friends were with each other, choosing to remain blind to the palpable animosity between them. I was not. I worried about Dylan and his own self-esteem. My friend had done a number on him in high school and over time, it had worn him down until he’d started to fade into the background. The only time people seemed to notice him was when they wanted to vent some of their teenage angsty rage his way. I had not done nearly enough to protect him from my friends before we became something.
It had shown in Dylan’s reluctance to come out, so to speak, as a couple when I had been ready to shout it from the rooftops a long time before that. So I had taken on the strategy of downplaying any shadiness exhibited by the guys, passing it off as jock humor. I had hoped for a while that that was how things actually were, but over the past few months, Kyle in particular had taken to flaunting his brother in my face at every available opportunity.
In any other situation I would have been on Kevin in a heartbeat. As my friend’s twin he shared the same good looks and strong body as Kyle, but unlike Kyle he seemed to be a lot softer and approachable. Kyle was all hard edges and sarcastic humor, whereas Kevin was funny and engaging. There was Dylan though, and Kevin could not hold a candle to the guy who’d showed me more about myself in a few months than I’d ever learned in the previous 17 years. Dylan was my person, he was the guy who looked out for me and let me look out for him.
“Kyle, I don’t have a thing for your brother.” I rubbed the bridge of my nose between my fingers. “Don’t get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but I already have the best guy. I’m not looking for another.”
I caught the quick roll of his eyes as he pushed to his feet.
“What?”
“I didn’t say anything.” He raised his hands in front of him, but rolled his eyes once more.
“You don’t need to say anything.” I shook my head, throwing him a grin.
“Listen I know this is not what you want to hear, but college is for living, and I don’t think that’s what you’re doing right now.”
“What do you mean?” The muscle in my back tensed, preparing for a fight that I did not want to have.
“What I mean is,” he wandered into the house with me following close behind, “are you even thinking about Dylan in all of this?”
Okay now I was pissed. “Explain,” I bit out through clenched teeth.
“What I mean is, from what you have told me, you were a bit of a player in high school before you nabbed Dylan.” I didn’t know if I liked where he was going with this.
“And?”
“And it seems as if Dylan didn’t get that opportunity to explore that side of himself. He went from no relationship history to basically having a husband in the blink of an eye.” That ball of dread began to grow. “Are you worried at all that maybe you are holding him back and in return, maybe he is holding you back?”
“Dylan is not holding me back!”
“Maybe not.” He shrugged, stooping down to pick up the keg from the patterned marble floor. “But can you honestly say that when all is said and done, that Dylan won’t resent your relationship in the future? He is only in college once, Austin.” And with that I watched him lug the keg down the hallway to the wide-open spaced kitchen.
Is he right? Am I being so selfish holding on to Dylan when he should be using this time to have fun and explore his sexuality? The mere idea of Dylan with his hands or anything else of his on another person had me clenching my hands until the nails embedded themselves in the soft skin of my palms. The thought that in the future, he might look back on this time as something that had been wasted was possibly worse.
Would I start to resent Dylan if he grew bitter towards me? It was something I just couldn’t picture, me and Dylan in our home in the future bickering and yelling at each other about failed opportunities and wasted lives. That is not the future I wanted for us, or even just for Dylan.
I moved quietly through the frat house until I found myself in a large open living room. Two large couches faced each other in the center of the space with an open fireplace at the head of the room. A couple of armchairs and some fold-out chairs had been placed around the room for people to crash on later. I slumped down into the cushions of one of the overstuffed couches and let my feet rest on the corner of a wooden coffee table in the middle.
“That’s antique wood you’re resting those boots on,” a voice sounded from the doorway.
I pulled my feet off the wood quickly and wiped at the edge with the corner of my shirt. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” I heard a chuckle which had my head snapping up to meet Kevin’s mischievous grin. “You’re fucking with me,” I mumbled.
“I mean, it will be antique someday,” he shrugged, moving to sit in the couch facing me. “Right now however it’s fairly new and from IKEA.”
“Asshole,” I muttered.
“So, what’s with the sad puppy dog face?” He toed the sole of my boots with his own sneakers.
“I don’t have…” I started, but stopped when he gave me a pointed look.
“Austin…”
“Fine,” I huffed, “your brother just got in my head a little and it’s made my head spin.”
“You know you shouldn’t listen to Kyle,” he waved me off, “he usually only thinks about himself or clothes, and he can’t think straight when the focus is off himself. I wouldn’t let whatever he said worry you.”
“He said I may be holding Dylan back from experiencing college,” I sighed.
“Well…” He didn’t continue, and I looked up to see his gaze wandering the room.
“You agree with him?”
“Listen, it’s not for me to say.” He moved off the couch to stand by the window overlooking the street. “It’s really not my place.”
I had no idea why, but I stood to move close behind him. I laid a hand on his shoulder and moved him around to face me. “But I’m asking for your opinion.”
His breath stuttered and my gaze immediately tracked down to his mouth. I felt a tug in my balls as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.
“It’s not fair for me to say,” he continued.
“Why?” Don’t ask that question, you fucking idiot.
“Because I’m not unbiased in this situation.” His hands came up to rest on my chest. I didn’t move them. “I’d be serving my own self-interest to tell you to hurry up and dump him. So I’m not going to do that.” He pushed me back slightly and moved around me, walking towards the door. “I’m not going to tell you to stay with him either,” He threw into the room before walking out the door and leaving me stranded with my guilt.
I found Kyle in the hallway moving some boxes with the other frat brothers into the kitchen and joined in to get ready for the party. Idle hands.
***
It was much later on that I found myself in that same kitchen, four beers in with a nice buzz going on.
“You’re Austin, right?” a girl from my theatre class slurred as her sweaty hands pawed at my arm.
“Yep,” I sighed. “Clara, right?”
“That’s so sweet that you remember my name.” I nodded as I looked at the name badge on the college ID she still had around her neck. There were a few types of people in the world whom I found to be just unbearable. People who went on hikes and felt the need to tell you about the freedom and energy they had from completing a long hike. I just had sticky balls and a bad mood after a hike. I also didn’t like people who say Coke was better than Pepsi, when the truth was blatant to see: Pepsi was superior; and finally, people who wore college lanyards as part of their personality in the hopes that someone on the subway might ask, “So you go to NYU?”. I had the feeling Clara was part of that crowd.
“My friend is completely in love with you.” My ears perk uped; always nice to have an admirer. “I keep telling him that it’s no use and that you have a boyfriend, but he can’t seem to shut up about how sweet and thoughtful you are.”
“That’s really nice of him.” I smiled; a shameless praise whore, I preened a little.
“Yeah, he says how sexy he thinks you are and how he has dreamed of just kissing you for hours.” She looked around as if she expected someone to pull her away from me.
“I think maybe you should find your friends Clara,” I chuckled, “I don’t think they would be too happy if they knew you were out here spilling all their secrets.”
“Oh, pshaa!” she laughed. “He wouldn’t care, it’s blatantly obvious the way he is always staring at you. Where is he anyways? This is his house. It’s rude for him to disappear on me.”
“Clara!” I turned to see Kevin pushing his way through the crowd towards us. “There you are.” His hand came to rest on her shoulder.
“Hey buddy!” she squealed, wrapping her arms around his waist. “I was just telling Austin here about how you say that he…”
His hand immediately came up to cover her mouth which made her squirm against him. “I think Clara here has had too much to drink,” he laughed nervously, “I think she needs to go lie down.”
“I’ll take her,” one of the frat boys smiled, wrapping his arms around Clara’s. It was clear they were also friends, as she whined into his neck about how wine shouldn’t make her want to throw up so much when she loved grapes.
“Sorry about that.” Kevin winced as he watched Clara move upstairs with his buddy. “Hope she wasn’t too much of a bother.”
I felt a hand slap on my shoulder, and turned around to see Kyle moving past me towards the living room. He gave me a quick wink before disappearing around the corner. “Your brother’s weird.”
“True story.” He shrugged.
“So what Clara was telling me…” I started, but someone shoves me from behind as people reached for liquor bottles on the cabinet, and then there was another shove as someone reached for a glass from the cabinet behind me. “Hey, it’s a little crowded in here. Wanna go somewhere quieter where we can actually talk without being assaulted?”
He nodded. My stomach did this weird thing where butterflies fluttered in the giant pit of guilt lodged in my stomach. What do you have to feel guilty for? You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re just going to talk to the guy.
Kevin grabbed me by the wrist and led me through the kitchen to the back door and out onto the terrace. “If we walk down the garden a bit there’s a swing there. It’s cushioned, unlike these torture devices,” he laughed, pointing as some ornately carved seats around a table on the deck.
“Sure.” We walked down a small set of stone steps into the garden. About thirty feet down the garden was said swing. The seat was much smaller than I’d imagined. We slumped into the seat next to each other, our sides pressed together all the way down to our knees.
“So…” Kevin began.
I looked into his eyes, the swirling blue set against his tan skin. The perfect complexion and flawless hair swept into the perfect style. I smelled a citrusy scent on him and felt his warmth all around me. It was nice, pleasant. It was welcoming and sultry, and in that very moment, I felt something wasn’t right. I shouldn’t have been there. I should have been with Dylan. I craved to have his crazy shaggy chestnut hair between my fingers. I wanted to see his shy smile as I tilted his mouth up to mine. I wanted his scent that screams home.
Kevin was gorgeous and everything that I should want.
What I wanted was Dylan.
“Listen, I heard what Clara said about how you feel, and I am really flattered that you feel that way about me.” I started, resting my hand on top of his.
“Really?” His eyes were hopeful.
Abort! “Yes, I think you’re really awesome and you have been such a good friend, and of course I would be lucky to have someone like you feel that way about me…”
I didn’t get anything else out. With the reflexes of a jungle cat he reached up and snagged the back of my neck, pulling me quickly to him. His lips crashed into mine as his tongue plundered my mouth. I was stunned for a moment and didn’t know what to do. I reached up both hands and fisted the material of his shirt, ready to push him back, when it happened.
“Austin?” A small, weak, devastated voice said.
I wanted to roar into the sky as I turned to see Dylan. His face crumpled right before me, tears springing to his eyes as he darted his gaze between me and Kevin.
“Dylan!” I barked, pushing Kevin back sharply. “It’s not what you think.”
“I’m an idiot,” he sighed, his body slumping forward as if defeated.
“No!” I shouted, pushing up out of the seat and moving towards him.
“Don’t!” His voice turned icy, the light in his eyes now dim as he regarded me coldly. “Don’t you dare come near me.”
“Baby please!” I tried once more.
His chilly gaze turned sad as he looked from me to Kevin, a small smile playing on his lips. “Well played,” he chuckled sadly, “he’s all yours.”
And without another word he turned and ran back into the house, leaving my world imploding around me.