Chapter Eleven
T hanks to Seth’s tutoring , I was doing a lot better in the kitchen. Which meant when Dad arrived for our weekly dinner on Thursday, I’d managed to not burn the house down and the food actually looked okay. The chicken was a little darker than I would have liked, but at least I knew it was cooked through.
Dad was nice enough not to really comment on it, even if he drank more water than he normally did.
I still wasn’t really sure what to make of these weekly dinners. We talked about what we did throughout the week, and that was about it. Then we somewhat talked awkwardly with each other. It was still hard to connect with him or to really feel like he was someone I could depend on. But then again, being out of my life for so long didn’t make it easier for either of us.
Most days, I felt like I was still looking at a stranger. Other days, it really did feel like I had a father, someone I could lean on and talk to about different things. He’d evoke nostalgia in me, and all I wanted to do was crawl into his arms and cry.
“Did you find your studio space?” I asked.
“Actually, yeah. I received the keys this week, so I’ve been cleaning the place and getting it ready to set up.”
I poked at the too soft broccoli on my plate. “So you’re pretty much settled here?”
Dad flashed me a smile. “I am.”
I let that news finalize inside of me. In the back of my head, I kept waiting for that other shoe to drop and for Dad to all of a sudden tell me he was returning to Vegas and never coming back. Every update about him settling nearby pushed that fear back. Made it feel more permanent that he was in my life.
Yet, it wasn’t quite enough. Not yet. I wasn’t sure what was missing, but something was. I could only hope it was something that could be found.
“I’m currently looking at a house to buy, but I’m fully unpacked in my apartment now. And this is the perfect season to be in New York, so I have plenty of work to fill the studio with. I was thinking I’d do an opening in January with the artwork. I was also thinking of offering photography classes.”
“Right.”
“Cadence?”
I blew out a breath. “I graduate at the end of June. It’s only like half a year away. I don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
“You, settling here. Now,” I finally blurted out.
Dad placed his fork down and leaned back in his seat. He rubbed at his jaw briefly before responding. “This is your hometown. You have friends and family here. And I want to be where you’re most comfortable.”
“You don’t think I’ll just take off and never come back?”
“Do you?” he challenged. “Leaving a place with so many roots isn’t that easy to do.”
“You did it.”
He grimaced at my response. “I did a lot of stupid things. I was in a lot of pain after finding out about what your mother did. And I was angry and confused. I fucked up.”
I raised my eyebrow, never having heard him swear before. He gave me a small self-deprecating smile and a shrug.
“I left. You, Lindie, friends, my career here. Everything. And it sucked. It really, really sucked.” He bit his lip, looking down at his plate. “Yet, while it was easy to leave the way that I did, the hardest has been coming back. But coming back has also been the best decision I have ever made in a long time. I don’t think you’ll leave like I did.”
Until he said it, I hadn’t realized how right he was. Even after I graduated, I wouldn’t be able to leave what I built here. Seth was here, and the guys planned to stick around even while at college. Paxon’s family. Micah’s family.
“I used to imagine when I could leave here,” I said slowly, gathering my thoughts. “I’d graduate and never look back. But not anymore. There are too many people in my life who are here. People I want to keep in my life. I can’t walk away from them. I can’t imagine leaving them.”
“I really am sorry,” Dad said.
I shook my head. “Don’t. That wasn’t about you.”
Hurt crossed his expression and he swallowed hard.
“They’ve helped me in ways I can’t even begin to explain. I simply existed and then I met them and for once, things felt possible to me. Like my future opened up more than I ever thought.” I wiped at my face wondering why every time we had dinner together, it felt like it turned into a therapy session. I wondered what Dr. Arason would think about that.
“It sounds like you finally know what you want to do once you graduate?”
“I’m still looking into it, but it’s probably the only thing that has ever felt right to me.”
Dad smiled at me, clearly excited to hear the news. He raised his eyebrows. “Well, don’t leave me guessing.”
I glanced down at my plate, feeling shy all of a sudden. “Music therapy. I’m still looking into it, but I don’t know. I know what music has done for me. How it has kept me going. The kind of voice it gives to people like me. And I want to share that. I want to help others heal too and since I know music so well, I just figured, maybe it’s a perfect fit.”
After forcing myself to stop talking before I became a rambling weirdo, I glanced at Dad. He still seemed happy, but it had a little bit of sadness to it too.
“I love that for you. I hate that it’s something you have experience in.” He swallowed. “But I’m happy for you too.”
“It’s okay. While I’m still...I don’t know...processing. Understanding it all. Dr. Arason has been helping me realize who I am now is because of those experiences, no matter how bad. That because of them, I’ve been fighting back in my own way, trying to help those who haven’t been as lucky as I have.”
I grabbed my fork and poked at the too-dry chicken, too scared to look at Dad and see his expression. I just unloaded on him more than I ever expected to.
Dad reached over and stilled my hand, stopping me from mutilating the chicken any further.
“If you need help looking at schools, or going to see them, or anything, I’m there. I’ll help you. I also saved money for you.”
I blinked, surprised. “What?”
“When you were born, I set up a college fund for you. Been putting money in it since and never stopped. It’s yours when you turn eighteen to cover all your school expenses.”
“Why would you do that? You didn’t know if I’d go to college or not.”
“I wanted to make sure the option was there for you.”
My heart filled with too many emotions and I had to blink furiously to contain them. “Dad.”
He squeezed my hand. “I wanted to make sure my baby girl was taken care of.”
“Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say to that.
“I’m so happy for you for finding direction. And even if you change your mind or try a million and one different things, I’m proud of you. I’ll always be proud of who you are and how strong you are.”
“You don’t think I’ll stick it out?”
“Did you know I originally went to school to be a lawyer. And then I switched briefly into business. Probably switched around five times before I settled on photography.”
“Really? I didn’t know that.”
“I met your mother at college. We were in the same business department before I changed my degree.” He chuckled. “She wasn’t the happiest about that. But she stuck with me.”
His words broke my heart. It was clear they had a deep history together and now look where they were. Without the happily-ever-after they thought they had together.
“She really did love you,” I said.
“I know. I loved her too. I felt like the luckiest man in the universe the day we got married.” He cleared his throat as he battled his emotions. “Enough about that. So music therapy? You’ll have to tell me how that works.”
I accepted his change in topic. “Well, I’m still looking into it, but it’s....”