Chapter 21
Miles
I ’m annoyed that Dax isn’t in bed with me right now.
This is what I get for letting a man spend nights over here with me.
It’s just more convenient, considering he works so late. Although, when the fuck did I ever care if it was inconvenient for someone to work all night, fuck around, and then head back home?
It’s different with Dax. He’s like me. He can fuck without feelings involved, and I don’t have to worry about him getting all weird and attached.
I don’t know why that thought suddenly irritates me even more than I already am, but my chest tightens.
Maybe I’m just pissed at Dax for going to see his family tonight.
Not that I don’t want him to spend time with his family—that would be toxic as fuck, so…
well, could easily be me. But it’s not just that I want to be balls-deep in him right now, as great as that would be.
I don’t like the thought of him spending his time with his asshole dad.
Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic. From what he’s said, his dad isn’t a fucking monster.
Clearly, if he really hated Dax, he could have ditched him during college, told him to fuck off and never seen him again.
Although, maybe he hasn’t because the brother he actually likes would hate him for that.
Not my problem , I tell myself, which is usually an easy way for me to cut off giving a damn about other people, but it doesn’t work with Dax, and suddenly, I realize I’ve been so distracted, I missed a chunk of this show I’m streaming. “Dammit,” I mutter as I back up.
Dax and I started watching a new series, but I tend to fall asleep and have to catch up, so now would be the time to pay attention.
My phone buzzes on the nightstand, and I’m like a ninja, I move so fast.
It’s the gate of my apartment complex.
I wait a few moments. No reason to let him in so quickly that he thinks I was lying around, waiting on him to get back to breed him, though that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing.
Three rings is a normal amount to wait, right? Maybe four?
I’m sure the right number is the one you don’t have to fucking think about, so what the hell am I doing?
I punch the button and push to my feet. If I’m eager to fuck that hole, it’s not like that’s gonna weird him out.
In only boxers, I head to the door, and he knocks before I get to it. When I open the door, he says, “Have you been waiting at the door for me to get here?”
“No, but funny enough, I was trying to decide what ring to let you in on.”
“Huh?”
“Nothing. Get the fuck in here.”
He smirks, but I’ve spent enough time with him now to see there’s more behind his expression. It triggers something in me.
Rage.
“What did he do?” I spit out before I’ve had a chance to think about it.
His brow creases, but then relaxes. “I think it’s safe to say, when it comes to Dad, it’s what he doesn’t do.” His voice is soft, defeated. It’s like that dark cloud is covering more of the yellow.
He’s quiet, his gaze far off, and I take his wrist. Not really sure why. Maybe because I’m so hell-bent on understanding why he’s in this mood.
“You can tell me.”
“I’m sorry if I’m being weird. It’s really not that big of a deal. Now where’s that dick I was promised?”
Of course I want to fuck Dax. If it was up to me, my dick would have been inside him already, but I can tell that’s not what he needs right now.
“You don’t want to fuck tonight.”
“Why? Did that exclusive dick change its mind?”
“Nah, but it knows when that ass is hungry for it. A dick sixth sense.”
He chuckles softly. “Yeah, as much as fucking around would normally cheer me up, I’d rather just chill tonight. I can head back to my place.”
My hand is still on his wrist, and I squeeze gently. “No. Stay.”
You need to tell me what’s wrong. Although, I know how I get and that pushing is a real shitty idea.
“Yeah, I am kind of tired.”
“Come on,” I say, leading him to the bedroom. “Do you want to watch the next episode? I’m not caught up on the last one, but that’s fine.”
Feels like, for the first time since he got here, he takes a full breath. “Eh, let’s save it for another night. I think I just want to pass out.”
He strips down and slides under the covers with me, and I grab the remote and turn off the TV.
I’m not used to Dax being down like this; at least, not showing it.
I don’t like it. I want him to tell me everything that’s in his head, not just about what happened with his dad tonight, but everything .
Maybe because if I knew what was wrong, I could keep him safe the way I couldn’t keep Mom safe.
Dax is lying in bed, facing away from me. There’s only a few inches between us, and though it’s not like we always have to cuddle, it feels like a much wider distance.
“Dax?”
“What?”
Part of me wants to share things with him, things I don’t talk about with anyone.
They’re right there, lingering at the back of my throat.
Kind of wondering why it’s coming up now.
Maybe if I tell him, he’ll feel it’s safe to share whatever this is with me, so I just follow this impulse within me, say the first thing my body allows me to.
“Last year, I didn’t start that fire at Sigma Alpha. ”
He’s silent before rolling to face me. His expression is difficult to read. “I believe you.”
I didn’t realize the impact such simple words could have. Maybe because I’m so used to everyone assuming I’m the problem. Hell, I wasn’t even around Sigma Alpha that night, yet everyone assumed the worst of me. It doesn’t surprise me that Dax doesn’t.
He keeps quiet, as though he knows me well enough to know he needs to give me time to get to it.
“It was my buddy Caleb. He was in charge of the prank, and apparently, after getting high, he came up with the bright idea to add fireworks to the glitter bombs, figuring it’d be hilarious.
After the fire, he came to me, freaking the hell out because he knew he could go to jail or worse.
He’s on scholarship, which he needs to be here, and it could totally screw him. ”
“You could have gone to jail,” Dax says.
“I knew it wouldn’t be as bad for me. Dad does all right.
He got me a private attorney, smoothed things over.
Got a nice plea deal on probation without having to have it on my record once I did my community service.
And Dad’s got the pull to get the university to sweep it under the rug.
I also didn’t care how Sigma Alphas looked at me over it. ”
I notice how stiff my body is as I say that, and Dax presses, “Do you really not care?”
My gaze cuts to him, and now I feel like he’s seen too much. My eyes water, and I start to turn away from him, but he reaches out, resting his hand on mine, and my anxiety subsides. How can his touch have this power over me?
“Maybe a little bit,” I lie, then feel bad for lying to him.
“Maybe more than that. People only see me as this loner who doesn’t need anyone, and I know I give that impression, but it’s not that I want to be alone.
Someone who wants to be alone doesn’t join a frat, you know?
And now I have more people who hate me on campus than I ever imagined would even know my name.
” My heartbeat and breath speed up. Maybe tonight will end in breathing exercises.
“It’s funny you said you believed me because I tried to tell my dad the truth, and he didn’t want to hear it.
He just wanted to deal with it and move on.
That’s all he ever wants to do when shit happens. ”
I reflect on a moment: I’m a kid, devastated that he just lost his mom, and Dad’s assuring me everything will be all right. The liar.
“Sorry, I didn’t need to tell you all that when you’re having your own issues tonight.”
“It’s okay,” Dax says, releasing my hand. He places it against my neck, pulling me close, resting his forehead against mine. “I want you to share things with me. You can always talk to me.” He presses a kiss to my lips. “Thank you for sharing that. I don’t imagine that was easy.”
“That’s a fucking understatement.”
And for the first time since he got here, he chuckles, bringing me some relief.
“Your dad…does he love you?”
“Yes,” I say without hesitation. “Fucked up as it’s all been, I know he cares, but it’s like we can’t figure out how to reach each other after all that’s happened.”
“I hear that. I think that’s what I struggle with sometimes after I see mine. I know he feels responsible for me, but I don’t know that I’ve ever felt like he loves me. I’m a responsibility to him, one he doesn’t necessarily want.”
He says those last words so quietly, as though they’re a deep fear he hasn’t allowed himself to voice, and I pull way, seeing that sadness in his expression. We just sit there, looking at each other, both of us seeing more than we could before tonight.
This is one of those dark clouds looming over him, what he uses his bright personality to distract from, and it breaks my heart because I can’t imagine anyone looking at Dax and not seeing him as I see him, especially his father.
He strokes my neck gently. His lip twists, and he lies down again, turning away from me.
I fear I pushed things too far, but he says, “Cuddle me.”
It’s not a question; it’s a command.
I pull him close, hook my arm around him, my hips against his ass.
He rests a hand on my arm as I nestle my face into his neck.
We’ve cuddled plenty of times before, but this time feels different as I cling to him, keeping his body tight against me, as though it’s more than just our bodies clinging together tonight.
Instinctively, I kiss his temple. A sweet gesture, so different from the wild fucking we can get into, but I like it. And fuck, if I’d known it’d feel this good to be sweet with him, I would’ve done it a lot sooner.