23. Claire
23
CLAIRE
I’ll kill him.
I will fucking murder him and burn his stupid body.
Not this bullshit again. Not again. It’s Stockholm déjà vu, but this time it’s not just anger I’m feeling. It’s jealousy. It’s so much jealousy. It’s bubbling and boiling, filling me with rage, making me stupid.
He’s going to fuck everything up. All of it.
I don’t even bother changing out of my pajamas or putting on shoes. I just bolt into the hallway and slam my hand into the elevator button. I’m in front of his suite and swiping my key card in a matter of minutes. Sure as shit, the moment I step into the suite, the photo comes to life right before my eyes. His pants are still on, and while there is lipstick all over him, there is none on his lips.
It shouldn’t make me feel better, but it does.
“Well, I’m here.” I stand in front of Jonah with my hands on my hips. I go for annoyed, but irate is what he gets. I couldn’t hide it if I wanted to. “I don’t know what you need me for. Your tests were clear. You can fuck whomever you want.”
He looks up at me with a scowl, and my jaw drops. He’s high. I turn to the woman.
“Get out.” She opens her mouth to argue, but I don’t let her. “I said get the fuck out before I throw you out.” I snatch her bag and shoes, then open the door and toss them in the hall. “Get out now, or I swear to God, I will drag you out by your hair. ”
The calm I’ve cultivated is gone. The decorum, gone.
“Okay, fine, you crazy psycho.”
She rolls her eyes and starts to climb off Jonah slowly. Too slowly.
“Hurry the fuck up,” I snap, then I open the door and kick her jeans and bra with the rest of her shit. My eyes land on José, and from his expression, he knows I’m going to murder him, too.
“Did you make her sign an NDA?”
José nods. “Yes, Ms. Davis.”
I point at him. “Don’t move.”
I turn back to the woman and shout at her, clapping my hands with each word.
“Move your ass! My patience is fucking shot!”
As soon as she has a foot in the hallway, I slam the door on her back. She yelps, but I whip around and glare at Jonah. He’s standing now, watching me with that blank fucking face. I cross the floor, shove at his chest, and unleash every ounce of my rage on him.
“What the actual fuck were you thinking? Do you want to self-sabotage, you fucking idiot?” My voice quakes, my throat straining with my raised voice. I don’t care who hears me. I’d shout louder if I could. “Sober sex only. Sober sex only, Jonah! I leave you alone for four fucking days, and this is what you decide to do?”
I pick the vodka bottle up from the table and throw it in the kitchenette sink. It shatters. Then I march back to him and pat down his jeans. I choke out a sad laugh when I find a pill bottle in his pocket.
I snatch it and take it into the bathroom. It says Ibuprofen, but I’m not an idiot. Jonah follows and watches as I flush the pills down the toilet. I expect him to fight me, but he doesn’t, which is just more infuriating. Then I throw the empty bottle at him. He doesn’t even flinch.
I am so fucking mad, and I lean into it. I lean into it, so I don’t have to admit how much this also hurts. I shove at his chest again.
“Do you have to fuck everything up? Do you? The rules are simple. They’re simple fucking rules, Jonah! It’s not that hard. You’re a grown fucking adult, so why is it so fucking hard for you? Just be an adult and control yourself!”
He snatches my wrists and holds them against his chest. “You’re a hypocrite, Davis. ”
I snarl at his even tone. I’m a raging bitch, and he sounds unaffected. I want to rip his stupid head off and shove it down his throat.
“I’m not getting blitzed and fucking strangers, you moron.”
His nostrils flare and he tightens his grip on my hands.
“No, but I watch you. You pretend like you’re so composed, so superior, but I see you. Have you eaten today, Claire? Or did you run five miles on double espresso and chewing gum?”
My head jerks back. It’s a low, unexpected blow. “Shut up.”
“I watch you counting calories in your head.”
“Shut up , Jonah.”
“Why do you carry a toothbrush everywhere, Claire? Why are you so obsessive about your workouts? You think I don’t notice? I fucking do. You talk about controlling myself as if you’re any better, but you’re not, Claire. You’re no fucking better.”
“I am in control.”
I rip my wrists out of his hands and take a step back. The bathroom is big enough that I can get several feet between us before I hit the shower. When I shout at him, though, the sound bounces off the walls. I still don’t lower my voice.
“I am in control, Jonah. So what is it you want to do? You want to punish me? You want to prove that I’m just as fucked up as you are? Will that somehow make you feel better?”
“Yes!” Finally, he shows some emotion, raising his voice to match mine. “Yes, Claire. Yes, I want to punish you. Yes, I want to know you’re just as fucked up as me. It does make me feel fucking better.”
“Why? What the hell is that solving? Why ?”
“Because I can’t get you out of my fucking head! Because I’m fucking tormented with thoughts of you naked and moaning my name and driving me fucking mad, and then I have to picture you with him .”
Jonah presses his palms into his eyes and groans.
“God, I hate you for it. I hate him. I hate you. I hate myself for not being able to stop thinking about you.” He drops his hands and takes a few steps toward me. “I look at you and I see me. I see us. And then I fucking see him , and I want you to hurt like I do.”
I scoff. “You were going to get high and sleep with a groupie to hurt me? Do you realize how fucking stupid that is?”
“No, I was going to get high and sleep with a groupie to get you out of my fucking head. Make you hate me in the process, and I couldn’t fucking do it. I couldn’t even pretend that I wanted her, and I hated every single minute of it. But, Christ, I’m powerless. Don’t you get it? I’m fucking lost and losing, and I don’t know what your next move is. I don’t know how to win this one?—”
“This isn’t a game, Jonah. This isn’t?—”
“You said it was a game! You did! It’s chess, remember? Play the whole fucking board. Every move, calculated. Everything strategic. Queen of manipulation. But who are you playing? Me? My father? Yourself? Because fuck me, Claire, I really can’t tell, but I need to know. I need to know.”
I shake my head. I don’t understand what he’s saying. I don’t get it.
“What are you talking about? What does that even mean?”
He takes another step forward, close enough now to take my wrists again. This time, though, his grip is soft. He places my hands on his chest, holding me to him. So gentle, but desperate, too. His heart thuds under my palms, his pulse throbbing in his neck. That heart tattoo quivers with each panted breath, and I’m speechless. He’s completely unraveled, and I have no idea how to handle it.
“Tell me you feel it. I know I’m not imagining this. I know it. Tell me you feel it, too, whatever this is.”
I press my fingertips into his chest. “You’re high, Jonah. You’re going to regret all of this in the morning.”
“It’s not the drugs, Claire. It’s fucking present all the time. I can’t make it stop.” He presses his forehead to mine and laughs. “I already regret it.”
My mouth drops open, but I have nothing to say. I almost want to say something to soothe him, to walk it back, but I don’t know how. I can’t because, as usual, I understand him. I get it. I feel the same way. We’ve messed this up so badly.
“I know,” I whisper. “I know.”
He pulls back and hits me with those striking blue eyes. There’s hope swirling in them. Hope and sadness, and it makes me want to cry.
“I’m sorry for messing everything up. I never should have?—”
“No. No, Claire. It wasn’t a mistake.”
“It was, Jonah. It is a mistake. You just said you regret it.”
“I regret it because you fucking own me now. I regret it because you consume me. But God, I want it. I want it even if you’ll just trap me and take all my money.”
I gasp, cycling through emotions. It’s insulting and ridiculous and so fucking wrong, but for some stupid reason, I also find it endearing. I slip my hands from his grip and hold his gaze.
“I’m not going to trap you, Jonah. I’m not interested in your money.”
He gives me a small, lopsided smile. “I wouldn’t mind.”
I sigh and close my eyes. “You need to sleep this off.”
“I’m not that fucked up, Trouble.”
“Yeah, well, after all that, I am.” I tilt my head to the ceiling. Fuck, I can’t even begin to process all of this. “Go to sleep. We have a lot to talk about tomorrow.”
He doesn’t say anything, so I take a giant step back. He’s looking at me, studying, as always, but this time, he looks sad. Sorrowful. He looks like he thinks he’s just made his last move and lost.
“Every time I think I’ve got you figured out, you throw something else at me.”
I give him a small smile and shrug. “Check?”
He huffs out a laugh. “Maybe. For now.”
My brow furrows, concern flooding me. He shouldn’t be alone, but I can’t be the one to stay with him. It would only make things worse. I force a smile.
“I’ll see you in the morning.”
He nods. “In the morning.”
I turn and walk out. I send one text to Torren, asking him if he will stay with Jonah tonight. When he doesn’t answer within fifteen seconds, I shoot one off to Callie, too. She answers immediately.
Me
Hey. Can you tell Torren to check his phone? I need someone to stay with Jonah tonight.
Callie
Everything okay?
I think so, but I’d feel better if someone stayed with him. It just can’t be me.
He’s on his way.
Thank you.
Anytime. Seriously.
I shove my phone back in my pocket, then scan the hallway for José. When I find him, all my anger returns. His eyes grow wider as I stomp my way toward him. He’s over six feet tall, so when I’m in front of him, I have to tilt my head up to meet his eyes, but he doesn’t scare me. He should be the one who’s scared.
“How fucking dare you,” I growl, my voice low. “You’re supposed to be looking out for him, not enabling?—”
“I’m not?—”
“I’m talking,” I shout. He flinches. “I know you’re helping him get fucked up. If you’re not supplying it, you’re turning a blind eye to him buying it. It might have been okay before, but it’s not okay now.”
The fear that passes over this giant man’s face. The concern. José doesn’t want to hurt Jonah. It’s possible he doesn’t know how bad it is. I don’t think anyone does. It’s obvious he cares about him, but as far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t care enough.
“He’s my boss, Ms. Davis. I’ve been with him for over a year now. I do what he says.”
“ I’m your boss now.” His brows furrow. When he doesn’t respond, I say it louder. “Do you hear me? I am your fucking boss now. From now on, you answer to me. You do as I say.”
“Respectfully, Ms. Davis, he hired me. Not Mr. Hammond. Not Ms. Loveless. Mr. Hendrix did.”
I close my eyes and blow a frustrated breath out my nose. Then I inhale, willing my pulse to return to normal.
“When he hired you, did anyone tell you about his overdose?”
“I knew he used sometimes. I knew he’d been to rehab, but that’s the norm in this industry. My previous employer did, too.”
God, I want to scream. “And I suppose your previous employer referred you to Jonah.”
“Um...yeah, actually.”
“José, listen very closely to what I’m about to say. You are a very nice guy. I know you care about him. But Jonah hired you because he knew you wouldn’t interfere. It’s why he didn’t tell you how bad it can get. He’s an addict, José. He can’t just use sometimes . Frankly, I’m fucking baffled that no one prepped you on it.”
“Well...I was hired during a chaotic time. Everyone was pretty stressed, and Mr. Hammond was preoccupied.”
I laugh. It’s no excuse. Jonah must have everyone so fooled, and it breaks my heart.
“Things are changing right now. If you don’t want to tell him no, then get me, and I’ll do it. You run everything by me. You do what I tell you. If you don’t, I will have you fired.”
“You can’t do that.”
“The fuck I can’t. Jonah is my responsibility, so from now on, you answer to me. Are we clear?”
José’s eyebrows scrunch, the lines in between them growing deeper. He looks young. Younger than me. It makes me angrier with Jonah than I am with José. Jonah took advantage of him. There’s no way around it.
“José, I need an answer.”
Finally, he nods. “We’re clear, Ms. Davis. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is harm him.”
I sigh again. “I know. Have a good night, José.”