24. Jonah
24
JONAH
“What the fuck?”
I jolt out of bed, freezing. Freezing and wet. I wipe the water from my eyes, then open them to find Claire standing at my bedside with an empty glass and a smirk.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Were you hoping to sleep off your stupidity?”
I scowl, but my lips twitch with the need to smile.
“You’re supposed to be dead until Sunday.”
“Yeah, well, some demon resurrected me early, so here I am.” She turns around, giving me a great view of her ass in her bike shorts. “Get up. We’ve got an appointment at the gym.”
I groan to mask my excitement, then roll out of bed and get dressed. I find her waiting by the door, tapping her foot. When she sees me, she checks her watch.
“That was fast for you.”
I grin. “I can be fast.”
“Ugh. Spare me the innuendo. It’s too early.”
I don’t bother fighting my laugh. I don’t bring up last night, either. I didn’t know how she would handle things in the light of day. I still don’t. I was worried when I saw her that it would be awkward. I’m grateful for the guise. I’m even more grateful she didn’t make me wait in suspense until Sunday.
I’m nervous, and I’m fucking embarrassed, and truth be told, I’m scared. Years-old abandonment issues are stirring. They were already restless, thanks to the change in my friendship with Torren, but this shit with Claire has me teetering on panic.
I’m not proud of how I reacted last night, but I know from experience it could have been worse. So much worse.
The gym is empty when we walk in. It’s always cleared out for us, but when I search for another giant, ripped trainer, I don’t see one.
“Where’s the Scottish Thor?”
Claire huffs a laugh. “It was too late to book someone. I’m your trainer today.”
“We going to get sweaty together, Trouble?”
She arches a brow. “I’m going to run you ragged, Hendrix. I’m going to work you so hard, by the time I’m done with you, you won’t know which way’s up.”
Fuck, I’m going to get hard. “You might want to watch what you say, Davis. I’m going to get the wrong idea.”
She ignores my comment entirely, then proceeds to do exactly what she said she would. Her workout might even be more difficult than Thor’s, but she keeps up with me.
Fifteen minutes in, and I’m ready to call it quits. Not because of the squats, though. Because of her. Sweat drips down her chest, sliding into her cleavage. Her lower back glistens. Her cheeks and neck flush the sexiest pink. When she does squats, I try so fucking hard not to stare at her ass. At the way her muscles flex with each motion.
I try and fail. And when my dick gets hard, I turn around and groan.
“I can’t do this anymore, Trouble. I have to tap out.”
“What?” Her question is breathy, panted. It just sends more blood to my cock.
“We have to stop.”
“We’re almost done. You can’t quit yet.”
I push my palms into my eyes and shake my head.
“Trouble, if I do anything else, I will pass out from lack of blood to my brain. I’m so fucking hard that it hurts.”
She snorts. “Working out turns you on?”
“ You turn me on. You’re all sweaty and breathless and bossy. Every time you bend over, I remember how it felt being inside you. When you lay down for crunches, I replayed how you looked lying beneath me. My hips between your thighs.” I groan again. “Fuck, I’m fucking worthless. This is pointless. I can’t do this with you.”
She goes quiet, just her labored breathing getting lost in the ’90s rock playing from the gym speakers. I worry I went too far. I should have kept my fucking mouth shut. I should have just said I was tired.
“Forget it. I’m wiped and talking nonsense. I need a shower and some ibuprofen. Forget everything I just said.”
I will her to agree and let it drop. I need her to just pretend I didn’t say any of what I just said. It’s a lot. After last night, it’s too fucking much.
“I’ll see you at soundcheck,” I say to the wall, then take a few steps toward the door. I need to get the hell out of here. Then she speaks, and I stop in my tracks.
“I want you, too, Jonah.”
Her whispered confession makes my heart stop, and my ears go on high alert.
“What did you say?”
“I said I get it, okay? I’m attracted to you. I think about it a lot. This is hard for me, too, Jonah. But...”
Fuck . There’s always a fucking but. The pause stretches. My patience wears thin. I can’t take any more suspense.
“Just say it, Claire.”
She sighs. “But you said a lot of shit that hurt me. You got me in a very vulnerable position, and then you turned on me. You called me terrible things. You tried to make me feel guilty for your mother’s death. That shit had to come from somewhere. You had already been thinking it, fuming over it, and your goal was to hurt me. I can’t just forget that because we’re attracted to each other.”
I squeeze my eyes shut again. She’s right. And even though it’s more than just physical attraction for me, she’s right. I fucked up.
“I know,” I say finally. “I’m sorry. I was so out of line, and you didn’t deserve that. You shouldn’t have been the target of my anger.”
“No, I shouldn’t have. Had you talked to me like an adult instead of talking yourself into a grudge, I’d have told you the truth. And I would have told you that I’d already ended things with your dad. I’d been thinking about doing it for a while, actually.”
My brows slant, then I turn around and face her. “When? ”
“The day you took me to Belém.”
“Fuck.”
She laughs. “Yeah.”
“Was he fucking his secretary?”
“Probably.” She shrugs. “But it was more than that. That was just my breaking point. If I’m being honest, I’d been thinking about ending things since around the three-month mark. That’s when I found out he was my CEO.”
“You didn’t know.”
I’m such a fucking prick. She didn’t know.
“No, asshole, I didn’t know. I told you I wouldn’t sleep with someone just to get a job. I never would have agreed to the first date if I’d known. He knew who I was, but I had no idea who he was. I should have done it then, but...I don’t know.” She rubs her forehead and closes her eyes. “I have an aversion to failure, I guess, and ending things seemed like a failure. It messed with my inferiority complex or something, and I think a small part of me was also worried that if I ended things, he’d have me fired.” She groans, then laughs. “Guess my instincts were right on that one.”
“What? He fired you?”
He’s a fucking asshole. He’s such a fucking asshole. And I’m exactly like him.
“He tried, but I quit before he could officially do it. Sent a resignation letter that I’d already had drafted, then deleted all my files from a campaign I was working on.”
“You already had the letter drafted?”
“Yeah. Told you, I’d been thinking about it for a while. I like to be prepared.”
I give her an amused half smile. “Is that chess, too?”
“My life is a chessboard.” She smirks, then rolls her eyes. “Now he’s actually trying to get me to come back just to finish that campaign. Said if I don’t, I’ll never work in this city again .”
She drops her voice low, reciting my father’s threat with a menacing air of superiority. I can actually hear him saying it.
“Is that what that email was about the other day?”
She nods, and I feel like an even bigger asshole. That’s what tipped the scales for me. That’s when I let my wrath take over. The whole time, she’d just been threatened by my own father. She’d been fucked over by both of us in the span of twenty-four hours.
I go back to my father’s phone call yesterday. It all makes fucking sense now.
“He called me yesterday and asked for you.”
“I blocked his number and marked his email address as spam. Did he tell you what he wanted?”
“Not why he wanted to speak to you, no. But he told me to be careful of you. He said you’d use me. Trap me.”
She scoffs. “ That’s what set you off? You thought I was going to, what, get knocked up and take you for all you’re worth?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Fuck, I don’t even know. I know you wouldn’t do that. I know it, but my head is such a mess, Claire. I don’t know how to explain it.”
“I do. You’d already expected the worst from me, and he just confirmed your suspicions.”
She sounds so hurt. She sounds betrayed. I did this to her. I took my own insecurities and used them against her. She’s right, but she’s also wrong.
“I expected the worst so I wouldn’t hope for the best,” I confess. “You’ve gotten under my skin, Trouble, and I like it. I like it too fucking much. And I just kept thinking, when she leaves ...” I hesitate. The words are scary. Too honest. Too raw. I force myself to say them anyway. “I kept thinking, When she leaves, she’ll go back to him, and she’ll take my heart with her .”
Claire shakes her head and takes a few steps toward me. “I told you. I’m not leaving.”
“You have a job to do. I know.”
“I’m not leaving because I care. I’m not leaving because you matter.” She gives me a sad smile. “And anyway, you’re technically not my job, anymore.”
My heart stutters. My breath catches. “I’m not?”
“I quit, remember? Conrad doesn’t even want me to be here. I’ve been given an order to leave, but I’ve chosen to stay. I made the decision even before...”
She trails off, but she doesn’t have to say it.
Even before I fucked her, then tried to break her. My eyes clamp shut. I want to reach for her. I want to hold her against me and never let go, but I keep my hands fisted at my sides.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Claire.”
“I know.” I wait for her to say more. When she does, it’s not what I want to hear. “Let’s go back to the room. You’ve got to record a new video before soundcheck.”
“Okay. Let’s get on with it.”
She walks past me toward the door, and I follow. I don’t know what to do moving forward, but I do know that I’m going to do my best not to hurt her again.
I’m not leaving because I care. I’m not leaving because you matter.
I replay her words over and over in my head. She cares. I matter to her. She chose to stay. I hold on to that. I let it propel me through the rest of the afternoon. Through the whole show. I sink my teeth into it and refuse to let go as I lie down to sleep.
She matters. She fucking matters. And I can’t lose her.
“Did you get it?”
José nods and hands the bag to me. I open it and check inside, then hand it back.
“Put it in the suite, yeah? I’ll handle the rest.”
José takes the bag, but he hesitates before turning around. He looks at me cautiously, so I arch a brow as I light my cigarette.
“You need something else?”
He swallows. “You sure this is a good idea?”
I blink at him. He’s never questioned me before. “You think it’s not?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just...It sends a message, is all. I want to make sure you’re okay with that.”
I take a drag from my cigarette and blow the smoke out the side of my mouth, careful not to hit José. “I know it sends a message. That’s exactly what I want it to do.”
“Okay.”
He turns and leaves without saying anything else, and I head back inside. The music from our opening band is pounding out into the stadium. Instead of going into the dressing room, I throw my hair into a bun and make my way to the front.
The moment I set foot on the floor, the fans standing on the other side of the barricade start to scream. I wave. I touch a few hands. I sign a hat and a tour shirt. Then I zero in on Claire and close the distance between us.
“Hey,” I say into her ear, and she jumps. The expression she turns on me is one of shock, but it’s quickly replaced with a smile.
“Hey. What are you doing out here?”
I nod to the stage where Callie’s band, Caveat Lover, is playing.
“What do you think?”
“They’re so good! I had no idea Callie could sing and play like that.”
I nod and turn my attention back to the band, but I lean into Claire until our arms touch. I can feel the heat from her skin against mine, and I breathe. I’m so fucking obsessed.
“When did they get here?”
Claire rises on her toes and shouts the question to me. I crouch down so I’m closer to her ear, then I throw my arm around her for good measure. It’s absolutely not necessary, but I do it anyway.
“Rocky, Ezra, Becket, and Crue got into Scotland a few hours after we did. They’ll be opening for us this weekend, then next weekend in Dublin.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah. The guys will probably stay with Callie for a few weeks, though. They’re finishing up their album. I think Sav got them some studio time in Italy.”
She smiles and turns back to the stage, but I don’t remove my arm from her shoulders. When she leans into me, swaying a little to the music, I pull her closer. I close my eyes and tell myself not to read into it. Not to get my hopes up.
I don’t listen.
By the time Caveat’s set is over, I’m resisting the urge to kiss Claire goodbye in front of all these people, consequences be damned. I don’t do it, but fuck, do I want to.
I’m hyperaware of her for the whole show. She moves around, taking pictures, but I always know where she is. I feel her. I smell her.
It’s fucking ridiculous, but I don’t care anymore .
I want her. It’s as simple as that.
After the show, I text Claire to meet me in my suite.
We’re leaving for Dublin in the morning. I thought I could wait until then, but I can’t.
I pace back and forth, wearing a hole in the carpet as I wait. My thumb starts to bleed, so I shove it into the pocket of my jeans. Nerves and excitement swirl in my stomach, making me nauseous. What if she hates it? No. She won’t. I know she won’t.
But what if she does?
I’m running through scenarios when there’s a knock at the door. It makes me laugh. I cross the floor and swing the door open.
“Don’t you have a key card?”
Claire rolls her eyes. “I don’t want to invade your privacy unless I have to.”
I move to the side and gesture for her to enter. “That’s a lie, and you know it.”
“Shut up. I’m trying to give you a longer leash.”
I grab her by the arm and spin her to me, then hold her eye contact.
“I don’t want privacy, Trouble. I don’t want a longer leash. You could tether me to your leg, and I’d fucking love it.”
Her cheeks pinken, and she flutters her lashes. She drops her eyes to my chest, almost shy, so I drop my hands from her arms and give her some space.
“I have a gift for you,” I say, forcing as much confidence into my tone as I can. “Go sit down.” She arches a brow. “Go sit down, please .”
When she’s perched on the couch, I grab the large velvet bag that I got from José. I could have wrapped it or put it in a gift bag. I should have.
“Sorry,” I say quickly as I hand it to her. “I probably should have wrapped it.”
“No, it’s fi—whoa.”
“Oh, careful. It’s heavy.”
She laughs and sets the bag on her lap. Then she flicks her eyes up to me.
“You can sit next to me. I won’t bite. ”
I’m so nervous, I can’t even crack a sex joke. I just plop onto the cushion next to her.
“Do I get any hints?”
I shake my head. “No. Just open it. I’m dying over here.”
She huffs out another laugh, but she mercifully opens the velvet bag, and I hold my breath.
She gasps when she pulls out the thick wooden board inside. She sets it on the table carefully, then runs her fingers lightly over the top. The rose gold border shimmers in the overhead light. It’s the perfect accent to the black polished wood and black and white tiled squares.
I watch intently as she opens the drawer on the board, her fingers trembling as she pulls out the stone chess pieces. Each one has a band of rose gold along the bottom, and as she places them on the board, she sucks in a shaky breath.
“Do you like it?” I whisper.
She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. She nods but doesn’t speak.
“It’s not custom. I didn’t have the patience for that. But I had it overnighted from Italy, and your name is engraved on the back. I, um...I thought you’d like it. I wanted to get you something to show how much I appreciate you.”
Her tears fall faster as she turns the chess board around, sees the engraving, then she laughs. “Trouble? That’s not my name.”
I grin, but I stay quiet, and her smile softens.
“Thank you. I love it.”
“Yeah? Are you sure? Because I can send it back.”
“No. Don’t do that. I love it. It’s honestly...It’s honestly the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever been given. I just...” She shakes her head and hiccups on a sob. “I don’t know what to say.”
I cup her face and wipe the tears on her cheeks with my thumbs. Then I drop my forehead to hers.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Claire. I really am. I hate that I hurt you. I hate it. I need you to know that. I see you. I appreciate you. I’m fucking in awe of you half the time, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
I feel her cheeks move under my hands. A smile. She’s smiling.
“What about the other half?”
Now I smile. “The other half you’re a pain in my ass. ”
She laughs and shakes her head. I caress her skin with my thumb. “I’m so sorry, Claire. I’ve never been more sorry.”
“I believe you.”
Then her mouth is on mine, gliding smoothly, wet with tears. I hold her closer, but I let her lead. It’s soft and tender. It makes my chest hurt. It makes my heart thud hard into my rib cage. It’s everything I’ve ever fucking wanted.
Words I’ve never said form in the back of my mind. Powerful words. Terrifying words. I’ve never felt anything more fiercely. I’ve never been so sure of anything. I want to say them. I want to set them free and relieve myself of this soul-deep ache. I want to, but I don’t.
I let myself revel in this kiss. A kiss I’m so fucking grateful for from a woman who’s too good to be true.
I don’t deserve her. I’m sure of it.
But fuck me, I’m going to keep her.