Devotion - Chapter 4
Friday
James slid an access card into the scanner outside the elevator.
I didn't ask him why he still had a key to this apartment.
Whether or not he paid for Rob's place wasn't what I cared about.
I kept my arms folded in front of my chest and stepped onto the elevator as soon as the doors parted.
James leaned against the opposite side of the elevator with that wanting look on his face.
He had given me the same look when I refused to hold his hand on the way back here.
I loved him, but we weren't okay. He needed to understand that.
If I gave into him, we'd never talk. We'd never get past this. And I needed to get past this.
The elevator stopped and James pressed in the code. The doors slid open.
Rob came running over to the elevator. He slid across the marble due to the socks he was wearing and skidded to a stop. "Hey. I'm glad you guys decided to talk. I may or may not have been spying on you from the window." He gave me a wink.
I wanted to laugh. I knew he was trying to cheer me up, but I didn't feel like laughing. I gave him a weak smile instead.
"So, are you two okay now?" he asked.
I glanced over at James. He stayed silent and so did I. He was staring at my hand where my ring had once sat.
"Rob, do you have my ring?"
"Um...yeah." He gave James a weird look and walked over to the kitchen. My ring was still sitting on the kitchen counter. "Right here." He picked it up.
I walked over to him and took it from his hand. James seemed to be focused on this one thing. If he was going to open up to me, I needed him to be focused on me and not my hand. I slid the ring back on my finger.
"So, you're good?" Rob asked.
"We have a lot to talk about."
"Okay, well, you guys are soaked. I folded your dress and put it on the bed in the first guest room. I was hoping you'd be back." He gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "James," he said as he stepped away from me, "want to borrow something?"
"Yeah, that would be great." James didn't take his eyes off me as he followed Rob to his bedroom. It was as if he thought I was going to run away again. Did he not remember last night? I didn't run, he forced me to leave.
I walked through the dining area and living room and opened the door to the hallway.
This part of the apartment looked the same as when James had lived here.
I opened up the door to the first guest room.
My dress was folded neatly on the foot of the bed.
My bra and thong were sitting next to it.
I tried not to think about how awkward that was as I changed back into the clothes I had come in.
My shoes were sitting next to the bed, but I had no desire to wear high heels right now.
I walked back into the kitchen just as James and Rob were coming out of the master bedroom.
Rob was shorter than James and apparently wore different sized clothes.
The tight t-shirt clung to every single one of James' muscles.
I quickly moved my eyes back to his face.
I wasn't going to be the one that led us astray during our conversation.
James and I had always seemed to communicate best with our bodies.
And it chilled me to think that that was all he wanted from me.
We needed to have a serious conversation. No touching would be involved in that.
"So..." Rob let his voice fade away. "Is now a good time to tell you that I slept with Penny last night?"
I knew he was just trying to lighten the mood, but I seriously wanted to kill him.
James lowered both his eyebrows. "I swear to God, Rob, if you so much as..."
"I'm just kidding, man." Rob put his hands up in the air to show his innocence. "We fell asleep together on the couch. Nothing actually happened except for some light snuggling. Lighten up." He punched James' shoulder.
James looked down at his shoulder and then back at Rob. "Can we maybe have some privacy?"
"Um, yeah. I just talked to Mason before you got here to let him know you were okay. And it sounded like he needed some help with the decorations for the rehearsal dinner tonight. He clearly has no idea what he's doing."
James had called off our wedding. That meant there was no rehearsal or rehearsal dinner tonight. There was nothing to decorate for. I glanced up at James. Had he not told Rob?
I turned back to Rob. "Rob, I don't know if..."
"You'll be back to New York in time?" Rob said. He glanced at the time on the oven. "The rehearsal doesn't start until 6. You have plenty of time. Bee's going to come help too, I'm sure we'll need a woman's touch. But we'll have it all done in time, I promise."
I pressed my lips together. Why was I being forced to break the news to Rob? This wasn't what I wanted. But James wasn't stepping in. "There's no reason to decorate," I said.
Rob laughed. "Why? You're still getting married, right?"
"We haven't..."
"Yes," James said, cutting me off.
I let myself glance at him. He was staring at me so intently. I wanted to marry the man he was before last night. The man who loved me unconditionally, who trusted me. I wasn't sure if that man even existed. It felt like I didn't know him at all.
James turned to his brother. "That would be great if you helped Mason out. We'll be there before it starts."
"Okay, well, that's probably my cue. I'll leave you two alone to talk. And I'll see you both tonight." The way he said it made it seem like he had no doubt that what he said was true.
"Thanks," James said.
I kind of wished Rob was staying. It was like he sucked any last remaining joy out with him as he stepped onto the elevator. He gave me a small smile and a wave as the doors closed.
As soon as we were alone, James put his hand on my shoulder.
"You know that I didn't mean anything I said last night. Penny, you have to know that."
"Then why did you say it?"
"Because you hurt me. You betrayed my trust. I thought..."
"I didn't. You just weren't listening."
"You must understand how it looked."
"Of course I do. But I also expect you to believe me instead of your ex, James. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?"
"Probably the same way it made me feel when I thought you were running away with Tyler." He let go of my shoulder and ran his hand through his hair. "Can we please just move past this? Let's just forget last night ever happened."
"No, James. I want to talk about this. From the beginning."
"The beginning? There's nothing to talk about. We both just jumped to conclusions..."
"My conclusions were very meticulously planned by your psychopath of an ex-wife."
He sighed. "Psychopath? Penny, that's..."
"Stop, okay? Would you just listen to me for two seconds? You have no idea what that bitch put me through. Put us through. Just hear me out, okay?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Okay. I'm listening." He sat down at one of the stools at the kitchen counter and stared up at me.
I finally had his undivided attention. I sat down too, leaving one stool in between us.
He was going to listen to everything I had to say.
He had to. "When you left for your bachelor party, Isabella started sending me stuff.
Envelopes full of pictures of you and Rachel hugging and of you and Isabella kissing.
There were notes about how you'd never love me as much as you loved Rachel and how your addiction problem is a sickness and you can't control yourself.
She knew how to get in my head. She must have known you were away and that I couldn't talk to you.
And I was fighting with Melissa. I just.. .I'd never felt so alone."
"Why didn't you tell me when I got back?" He moved to the stool that had separated us before. "Baby, I would have listened to you."
"Why? Because I could show you the evidence?"
He frowned. "Penny, I said I was sorry. I don't know what else you want me to say." He put his hand on my knee.
"Don't touch me." I knew I was being dramatic, but I needed us to talk. "Please don't touch me. Let me just finish what I have to say."
He removed his hand. His silence made it seem like he wanted me to keep going.
"She sent me a box full of notes that you wrote her.
Love letters. All about how Isabella was the love of your life.
And that you dreamed about marrying her your whole life.
You talked about how no one understood you better than her.
How much you missed her when you were apart, and how beautiful she was.
You talked about being ready to have children with her.
And that you thought she'd be a great mother. I read them all James."
I thought he might jump in here, but he just looked down at his hands, which were clasped together on his lap.
"Isabella left a note on the box about how your love is as fleeting as your addictions. And that you were just trying to escape your reality by being with me. Because you're addicted to me."
I waited again, wondering if he'd say anything about that. He continued to look down at his hands.
"The last envelope I got was pictures of you fucking some girl.
Isabella made it seem like it was from your bachelor party.
I mean, she didn't say it was, but with everything else she had sent.
..I was doubting whether you even liked me, let alone love me.
It seemed like you didn't care about me at all.
She was so in my head, I don't even think I was thinking clearly anymore. I just felt so alone.