Devotion - Chapter 4 #2
"When you came back from your bachelor party, you didn't seem guilty though.
I could tell you genuinely missed me. And I thought I should let it go.
Isabella was clearly just messing with me.
I knew she was trying to get under my skin.
I talked to Rob and he said you were just by the pool all weekend.
I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe you.
And honestly, you kept talking about how you thought she had changed and how nice she had been recently. I didn't even think you'd believe me."
He continued to look down at his hands.
"I think she thought that would ruin us.
But it didn't. I thought it was over. I thought we had won.
But then yesterday, she sent me a message about wiring her 20 million dollars or she'd leak the photos of Tyler and me at my bachelorette party.
I ignored it. I was done playing her games.
And those photos didn't mean anything. Tyler was comforting me when I couldn't get a hold of you.
He asked Melissa to be his girlfriend right after that lunch.
And my friends just made me do stupid stuff at my bachelorette party.
For the record, I wanted to stay in and watch a movie. "
He nodded his head, but he still didn't look up at me.
"When I didn't reply to Isabella, she forwarded me pictures of you and me having sex in your office.
She must have put a camera in there when she kissed you or something.
I don't know. Either way, she said she'd leak them to tabloids if I didn't wire her the money.
And she gave me her bank account number.
"I had already ruined your teaching career.
I didn't want to be the reason you were part of a scandal again.
My first thought was to tell you. I went to your office and was about to open the door when she texted me.
She said if I went to you, she'd leak the photos.
She was watching me, listening to me. I didn't have a choice.
I was trying to protect you. So I did what she said.
I had no idea the money was going into Tyler's account. James, I didn't know.
"And before I went home, she said I couldn't tell you she was involved or she'd leak the photos.
That's why I just said we were being blackmailed.
I couldn't tell you by who. I see now how stupid I was.
That those photos weren't as important as you.
I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to protect you. "
James didn't say anything. But he slowly lifted his head. He stared at me like he was seeing me for the first time.
"When you kicked me out, I didn't have anywhere to go.
All I could think about was how much I loved you.
I couldn't stand the thought of you going back to Isabella, because she's not good for you.
You need someone who supports you and loves you and sees how great you are, even when you can't see it.
" Now I looked away from him. "So I went to your parents' house.
Isabella never said I couldn't tell them.
I told them everything. I showed them the text messages.
Your father found this camera sticker thing on my phone.
I think Austin put it there in the bar. Isabella really had been watching and listening to me.
Your parents said they'd take care of it.
I thought they would have called you. But I guess I did tell them that we had broken up.
I think your mom seemed kind of relieved about that.
"Rob found me after that, walking back to the city. He agreed to take me back here. You asked me to disappear. I just...I needed to be near you. This was the best I could do. And I feel so dumb, because you were right about Tyler. You weren't wrong to jump to the conclusions you did."
James' back seemed to stiffen.
"Not about me wanting to run away with him.
I don't love him, you have to know that.
But he did still like me. We talked this morning and I told him I'd always love you.
Even if you didn't want to be with me anymore.
He's moving out of New York. He said he couldn't be just my friend anymore.
I think that's probably for the best. You don't have to worry about him stealing me away now.
I officially lost the last friend that was just mine.
"You were wrong about everything else though, James. And the things you said...they hurt me. Especially how I came from nothing. I didn't come from nothing. I didn't need saving. I never asked you to give me anything." I put my hand on his knee. "But I feel like I'm nothing without you."
He stood up, letting my hand fall from his knee.
"I..." he let his voice trail off as he put his fingers through his hair.
"You're not nothing without me. You're everything to me.
Baby..." his voice trailed off and he took a step toward me.
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
Please let me touch you. I need to touch you.
I need to know we're okay. It's the only way I know we're okay. "
"James, what are you talking about? What we're doing right now is going to show us that we're okay. We need to communicate. Having sex isn't going to fix anything. Why can't we just talk this out?"
"Because I'm addicted to you!" He put the back of his hand over his mouth and shook his head. "I lied. I didn't mean to. I thought I was better. But I'm sick. Isabella was right. I'm sick. Penny...I'll always be sick."
"You're not sick." I thought about what Rob had said to me last night. "James, you're not addicted to me. You're devoted to me."
He shook his head. "No. No, I've been lying to myself.
I told myself it was okay because you're good for me.
But I have an addictive personality. I can be addicted to something even if it's good.
And you're so good. Baby, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.
" He took a step back from me. "God, I'm addicted to you.
How did I not realize I was addicted to you? How did I not see it before?"
I wanted him to calm down. I wanted him to talk to me. "James, you love me. That's what this is. Just like I love you." I stood up and put my hands on both sides of his face. "You're not addicted to me. You're not."
"Yes I am!"
"No, you're not!" I let go of his face. I wasn't sure if I was screaming because I was upset, or because I thought it was true.
"You have no idea what runs through my head when we're apart. When I thought you were leaving me," his voice cracked. "You have no idea how much I need you."
"Then tell me. James..."
He took a step forward, sandwiching me between him and the kitchen counter. "I'm addicted to your lips on mine. I'm addicted to how you taste." He grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me hard.
I was done fighting him. He had heard what I needed to say.
And now? Now he was hurting. Now I needed to make him feel better.
If he needed this, then I'd give it to him.
We could talk later. I grabbed the front of his t-shirt, pulling him closer to me.
Our kisses weren't usually like this. I was used to slow, passionate kisses.
This was urgent and raw and...emotional.
He was kissing me like he didn't need air. Just me.
He grabbed my thighs and wrapped my legs around his waist, pushing my back against the counter.
I tilted my head away from his. "That's not addiction, James. That's love. I feel it too."
"No." His voice sounded pained. "I'm addicted to the smell of that perfume you put behind your ears.
" He kissed the side my neck. "And the smell of your shampoo.
" He kissed my neck again. "The softness of your skin.
" He put his hand on the side of my neck, rubbing his thumb against my jaw line.
"The sight of your face, your beauty. I'm addicted to the curves of your body.
" His hand slid down to my left breast. "I'm addicted to the goosebumps you get when I turn you on.
" He tightened his other hand on my thigh.
A small moan escaped my lips.
"And that. That sexy little noise you make when you want me inside of you. I'm addicted to that noise. I could live in moments like this. Where I have you in my arms. I need this. Whenever I'm not with you, I crave these moments. It's all I think about. You're all that I think about."
"That's love."
"Not when you're sick. Not for me."
"Don't say that."
"I'm an addict."
"No. You were an addict. You're good. We're good."
"It doesn't go away. I just found something healthier. For me. Not for you. You deserve better than this."
"Stop. Nothing is better than this. This is love. What we have is love." I put my hand on the left side of his chest. "You're labeling this wrong."
"No I'm not. I'm addicted to the way you make me feel. I'm addicted to you, Penny." He pushed the hem of my dress up, trailing his fingers against my skin.
"No, James. That's love. That's just love. I feel the same as you. I do. James, it's okay. We're okay."
He grabbed my hips and pulled my thong hard, ripping the lacy fabric in his hands. "I need you all the time."
Holy shit. I could feel his erection pressed against me. It was so hard to focus on his words when I was so incredibly turned on. "I need you the same way you need me. Don't you see that?"
"But it's just like you said. You didn't need saving, Penny. I did." He thrust into me hard.
Fuck. My fingertips dug into his back. "I thought I lost you," I moaned.
"I thought I lost you," he said back as he thrust even deeper inside of me.
"You'll never lose me." This was love. This was our love. And to me, it was the best kind of love possible.
He pushed my dress up and I lifted my arms up so he could pull it the rest of the way off. He made short work of my bra. And as soon as his hands touched my breasts he moaned into my mouth.
"I'm addicted to every inch of your body, baby. Every fucking inch." He slammed into me hard. My back was digging into the edge of the granite counter top.
I knew he was exhausted and upset. But he was also wrong. He was just plain wrong. This was not unrequited love, it never had been. He wasn't addicted to me. He was in love with me.
I grabbed a fistful of his hair to pull his mouth off mine. "I love your smile. And your laugh. Whenever I smell your body wash or cologne I get turned on." I felt the same as him. And it wasn't a sickness. It was love.
"Penny."
"I love having your arms wrapped around me.
And the way you absentmindedly run your fingers through your hair.
I love the color of your eyes and the way that they're always on me.
And I love this," I said as I tightened my legs around him.
"I crave this too. I miss you when we're apart.
I love every inch of you too. Love, James. Not addiction. It's love. I love you."
"Penny."
"So how about you stop fucking me and make love to me because that's what we have."
"Baby, I'm so sorry." He pulled my face against his chest. "I'm so sorry.
" He held me like that for a moment. My hair was wet, so maybe I imagined it, but it felt like his tears were falling on the top of my head.
I hadn't been wrong. I hadn't imagined it.
We had grown together. What we had was real.
"Make love to me, James," I whispered against his chest.
"I always make love to you. Always, Penny." He grabbed my hips firmly and walked over to the master bedroom. He kicked the door open with his foot.
"Not here, James. Not in Rob's bed."
"It's our bed. Remember?" He threw me down onto it.
"Of course I remember." I looked up into his eyes. There was something there that I had never seen before. They almost looked stormy. Like something was brewing in his mind and it couldn't be stopped. I watched him pull off his t-shirt.
"We've always been wrong. You were my student for Christ's sake. We were never supposed to happen."
"But we did happen. Because despite what you think, we've always been right."
Something crossed over his face and he climbed on top of me on the bed.
His strong hands pushed my thighs apart as the tip of his cock pressed against me.
"We were always wrong, Penny. But it's always felt so fucking right.
" He pressed into me slowly this time, gently, lovingly.
"And that's what's so terrifying," he whispered.
I barely heard him say it. But I definitely heard it. He was finally opening up to me. It felt like he was finally ready to share his heart completely. I let myself get lost in the moment. I let myself get lost in him.