Devotion - Chapter 24
Saturday
A knock on the door made me look up. Everyone had just been coming and going. No one ever knocked.
Porter slowly put his head in. "Can I come in?"
I nodded.
He closed the door behind him and walked over to the opposite side of the bed that I was on. His eyes locked on the monitor that was showing James' pulse.
There had been no change. The doctor said that each day that passed, the likelihood of him waking up again went down.
It had been a week. I didn't know what that meant for the likelihood now.
A fifty percent chance was bad enough. And I didn't have the courage to ask.
I tightened my grip on James' hand. Wake up. You have to wake up.
"Cole."
I looked up at Porter. "What?"
"My first name is Cole." He gave me a weak smile.
"Cole Porter? Like the composer?"
"Yeah." He laughed and sat down across from me. "And Briggs' first name is Paul. Like the Australian boxer."
I laughed. It sounded weird. I realized I hadn't laughed since my wedding night. I closed my eyes.
"We really just go by our last names because we both have embarrassing full names."
I shook my head. I was pretty sure that wasn't true. But I could tell he was trying to cheer me up. The only problem was that it wasn't working. Nothing could cheer me up except James opening his eyes. "Thanks for telling me."
"James and I met in A.A. He knows those things about me. You should know them too." He gave me another small smile.
"This isn't your fault, you know." Maybe he had just come in to tell me his first name and to help me preoccupy my mind with anything but worry.
But it seemed like he needed to hear that the blame wasn't on him.
Because it wasn't. It was on me. It was all my fault.
I bit my lip so I wouldn't start crying in front of him.
"It is, ma'am."
And just like that, he was back to being formal. "It's not. And please call me Penny."
He nodded. "All right, Penny. I just needed you to know that I was sorry. I thought...well, I didn't think. That was the problem. We had the perimeter checks and guest list..."
"You couldn't have known."
"It's my job to know."
I didn't know what to say to that. We all felt guilty about what had happened. It helped me to know that I wasn't the only one.
"He'll want me to hand in my letter of resignation once he gets out of this.
And he will get out of this. But I'm not leaving until then.
I won't let anyone into this room that doesn't have permission.
I won't let anything happen to you. That was always Mr. Hunter's first priority. You should know that."
I did know that. But hearing it made my chest hurt. Because it felt like he was lying in that bed because of me. "You don't have to resign. I want you to stay."
He looked at me curiously for a second. Maybe he didn't believe I had the authority to make that decision. I probably didn't.
He nodded. "Thank you, Penny. But we'll see what he has to say when he wakes up." His optimism sounded forced.
I couldn't be the only one that believed he'd wake up. I needed someone that believed in him as much as I did. "Can you find Rob and tell him I need to see him?"
Porter nodded and stood up. "Of course. I'll go get him for you." He gave me one last smile and left me alone with James. Maybe it was just me, but his hand felt a little cooler. The beeping of his heart rate monitor sounded just a little slower.
"James, you need to be strong. Please wake up.
" I kissed the back of his hand. "Please, James.
I need you to be strong for us." I ran my palm against my stomach.
I was about to be strong. I was going to tell Rob about the baby.
Maybe if I was strong enough to do that, James would be strong enough to wake up.
"Hey," Rob said as he came into the room. He looked exhausted. "Penny, I have some bad news."
Nothing could possibly be worse than what had already happened. "What is it?"
Rob pulled up a chair beside mine. "You got a call from James' lawyer this morning."
I had given Rob my phone. I couldn't handle the endless ringing. And I couldn't bear to talk to anyone. "What did he say?"
"Apparently James has a DNR."
"What's that?"
"Do not resuscitate. If his heart stops, he doesn't want them to restart it."
"No, he wouldn't have that. Maybe before he met me, but not now."
"I'm sorry, but he does have one. It was written before he met you, but he didn't change it. And he has updated his will since he's been with you."
I shook my head. "He was depressed. He had to have been depressed when he agreed to that. He wouldn't do that now. He must have just forgotten when he updated his will. Besides, they already restarted his heart when he got here. They already broke the DNR."
"They didn't know. It's not in his medical record. But the lawyer is forwarding them a copy of his DNR now."
I shook my head. "Rob, you can't let them send that to the hospital. If something happens, they'll just let him die. You have to do something."
"There isn't anything I can do. It's what James wanted."
"No. He wouldn't want that. He wouldn't leave me without fighting. He promised he wouldn't leave me."
"Penny," Rob said and put his hand on my knee.
I immediately stood up. "Don't I have some say in this? I'm his wife."
"I'm sorry."
"You can't let them send it."
"I've tried everything."
"I need him. I can't. Rob, there have been so many times I thought I lost him. And I know I can't. I can't live without him. We can't live without him."
"If this is what he wanted, we can be strong for him."
"Stop giving up on him!"
"I'm not giving up on him!" He stood up too. "You think I want this? You think I want to watch my brother die without anyone doing anything? Penny, this is killing me too. Like you just said...we can't live without him."
"No. You don't understand." It felt like I couldn't breathe. I swallowed hard. No one understood.
"What don't I understand?" He put his hands on my shoulders. "What aren't you telling me? What have you been hiding from me ever since we got to this fucking hospital? Why won't you let me in? Why won't you let me help you?!"
"I'm pregnant." My voice was an exasperated sob.
"Shit." He immediately put his arms around me.
I wasn't sure if he had meant to say it out loud, but his words seemed to echo around the small room. Shit.
"I'm going to be an uncle?"
I nodded into his chest.
"I'm going to be an uncle," he whispered wistfully. He sighed and rubbed my back before releasing me from his hug. "Okay. Fuck James' wishes. I'm going to go burn down his lawyer's building."
"What?"
"Unless you have a better idea."
"Find out when he submitted the DNR to his lawyer. And hire your own lawyer to figure out if I can veto it as his new wife."
"I'll do that first. You're right, arson should never be the first option."
I smiled and sat back down. It seemed like years had passed since I had heard Rob make a joke.
"I'm going to be an uncle." His smile was contagious. "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?"
"No, I haven't had an ultrasound. I'm going to do it when James wakes up."
"Okay." He nodded vigorously. "Good thinking. I'm gonna go make a few calls. I'm gonna fix this."
"I haven't told anyone else yet. Can you maybe just keep it between us right now?"
"Of course." He was already at the door. But he quickly rushed back over and kissed my forehead. "No matter what happens, you're not alone, Penny. You'll never have to raise it alone."
I nodded. His words were comforting, but they made me cringe at the same time. I couldn't raise this baby without James. I couldn't. "Thank you." I nodded again.
I watched him run out the door and then I grabbed James' hand again. Telling Rob made it seem more real. I was pregnant. James and I were going to have a baby. "It's time to wake up now. James, you need to wake up. We need you."