Devotion - Chapter 29
Wednesday
"Penny?" my mom said and knocked on the stall door. "Can you please open the door?"
There was no escaping in this hospital. And I couldn't leave. I needed to be here. I needed to be close to him. I clenched my eyes shut. I couldn't do this right now.
"You know," my mom said, "when you were little and you got upset, you used to lock yourself in your room. No matter what we said to try and console you, you refused to come out. Until you got hungry."
I shook my head. I wasn't a kid anymore. And I wasn't refusing to come out because I was upset. I was refusing to come out because it felt like my life had stopped. It felt like my legs wouldn't work. It felt like my world was black. I was drowning in my grief. I was drowning in my weakness.
"Sweetie, I know you're in pain. Please come out and talk to me."
"I can't talk about my fears because it makes the possibility that much more real."
"Sweetie." My mom touched the stall door.
For some reason the door between us made it easier. It reminded me of going to confession when I was little. I was always so terrified of talking to the priest. Not because I was upset about anything I had done. I was just terrified of him judging me.
I looked down at the notebook on my lap.
I had been reading my vows to him again.
And trying to make sense of the scribbled, tear stained notes of how he made me feel.
The day before our wedding I thought I needed to capture those moments on paper because he had broken up with me.
I had actually written quite a bit. But the notes didn't do him justice.
And this was so much worse than just us being broken up.
Maybe I could have kept going knowing he was out there, alive and happy.
But not like this. I couldn't keep going if he died.
I couldn't do it. I stifled my sob. "What if he dies, Mom?
" It came out as a whisper. It really did feel like I was in confession.
There was no response. My mom just sighed.
"What if I lose him?"
"Then you have to choose to keep living."
Everyone had been telling me that he wouldn't die. That everything would be okay. No one was able to confront the possibility of James dying. "I can't keep living without him."
"You can. And you will."
No. "You don't understand."
"Of course I understand. I love you with all my heart. And I love your father the same. The possibility of losing one of you is terrifying."
"He's my whole world. He's everything."
"Penny, you have family and friends that love you dearly. I understand how it feels like he's everything. But that's the whole reason you keep living. You keep going in order to keep the memory of him alive. And your family and friends help to make that happen."
I touched my stomach. To keep the memory of him alive.
If James didn't come out of this, I had to keep living.
So the memory of him wouldn't die. I couldn't let the memory of him die.
So why did I feel like curling up in a ball and dying beside him?
Why was I so weak when I was begging him to be strong and fight his way back to me?
I took another deep breath. I needed to shake this feeling.
I needed to be stronger than this. I wasn't sure I could keep going without him beside me.
But I needed to try. I needed to stop giving up.
I needed to stop being so pathetic. "I think I'm hungry now. "
My mom laughed. "Then come out and let's go down and get some dinner."
I stuffed my notebook back into my purse.
Maybe I wasn't strong enough to keep living without him.
But maybe I could write more down. More memories, more feelings, more words to eternalize how wonderful he is.
So that no one could ever forget. So that the memory of him would stay alive, even if I couldn't. I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom stall.
My mom had tears in her eyes. And somehow I felt closer to her than I had in years. We had grown apart when I went to college and when I moved away to the city. But I was still her child. I was still allowed to need my mom. And I really needed her right now.
"Mom, I'm pregnant."
"What?" She put her hand over her chest. "Does James know?"
I shook my head. "I found out here. I had been feeling nauseous and emotional and...well, I guess that was why."
She embraced me in a huge hug. "Sweetie, this is the kind of news that allows you to keep fighting."
But it had made me feel weak. Be strong.
"Now we definitely need to get you something to eat."
***
I sat in the waiting room with my eyes closed. All I could hear was the clock.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
"Penny." Bee nudged my arm.
I opened my eyes and saw the doctor walking toward us. She looked exhausted. Her face was completely unreadable. Time seemed to slow down as I stood up.
"As you know, James' lung collapsed," she said. "We thought that we had fixed the puncture before, but it wasn't strong enough. We've repaired it again and removed the air from his chest cavity. There was no tension in his chest, which was a good sign. But his heart stopped during surgery."
It felt like my heart stopped while I was listening. I felt Bee grab my hand. I felt someone else touch my shoulder. Without their support I would have been falling. But it didn't stop the despair inside of me. No. This can't be happening.
"You are all aware that James has a DNR. In all cases we have to respect the patient's desires."
No. God, please no.
"But, it's also a judgment call on our part. The DNR was written a few years ago. And..." she glanced at me, "there were other factors to consider. With that said, we did not follow James' desires. We restarted his heart. And he woke up." The doctor smiled.
I put my hand on my chest. It felt like I could breathe again. He's awake. Even before she said it, I could feel him. Despite everyone around me, I fell. I fell to my knees and cried away my fears. I cried away the feeling of despair.
Everyone around me started cheering and laughing. And I just continued to cry. "Can I see him?" I croaked. "I need to see him."
The doctor crouched down beside me. "He's asleep right now. He needs his rest. But you can go be with him."
"Thank you." I tried to wipe my tears away, but I couldn't seem to stop crying. All my worries from the past few days seemed to seep out of me. And I was filled with this underlying hope.
She nodded. "It's in his best interest to meet his baby."
"Thank you," I said again. I threw my arms around her. "Thank you so much."
"You can thank me by not letting him sue the hospital."
"He wouldn't. I know this is what he wanted."
"I'll need you to get him to sign a few papers when he wakes up saying that's true. But how about right now you go see him?"
I nodded and slowly stood up. I didn't feel weak anymore. I felt strong again. Like I could face anything. And the realization hit me hard. I was strong because of him. James gave me strength. He really was my everything.
I followed the doctor to the door.
"Don't wake him up, Penny. It's very important that he gets rest."
"I won't." I went into the room.
There was no longer a tube down his throat and the color was back in face. He looked like James again. He looked like my husband.
I didn't say a word. Right now he needed rest and silence. Thank you. Thank you for coming back to me. I let my tears fall again. I thought marrying him was the happiest moment of my life. But it wasn't. This was.