A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 19
Saturday
I was wrong before. Drinking away your sorrows worked wonders. Not one thought of unborn babies entered my mind. Nor did the prospect of never having children. I just felt good. So good.
“My arms are so heavy,” I said with a laugh. “Do your arms get super heavy when you drink too? I think all the liquid must go straight to my biceps.” I turned my arm to examine my muscle and accidentally poured some of my drink on the table. I stifled a laugh. “Party foul!”
“You’ve had way too much to drink.” Brendan grabbed my glass away from me.
“No I haven’t. We only just got here.”
“We’ve been here for over an hour. And by the way, you promised you’d call James.”
“But I don’t have his number.”
He tapped the napkin in front of me. “I wrote it down for you as soon as we got here. Remember?”
“Huh. No.” I lifted it up and examined it. “I don’t remember and I also don’t like numbers that start with anything other than a 302 area code. I’m not calling this stupid New York City number.”
“Penny, you pinky promised.”
“I did?”
“You did. Twice.”
“I think two promises cancel each other out. It’s a fact. It’s not my fault you don’t understand the rules.”
“No way.” He handed me his phone. “Call him. Before I do.”
“He’ll know I borrowed your phone. He’ll recognize your number. I need to use a pay phone.”
“There are no pay phones anymore. At least, not that I know of.”
“There used to be one here…” I looked over my shoulder. Hadn’t there been? It was one of maybe three on campus. Where are you, elusive pay phone?
“Penny, that was a long time ago.”
I sighed. “Well I can’t call him on your phone. I revoke my offer to call him. No deal.”
“I’ll be right back. Don’t move, okay?”
I didn’t agree, but I didn’t plan on moving anyway.
As soon as he left, I pulled my drink back to my side of the table.
It turned out that Brendan was a little bossy too, just like James.
James, James, James. Why did I keep thinking about him?
I leaned down to put my straw in my mouth, but missed completely.
The straw hit my cheek. Ow. I laughed and tried again.
Did James and I ever come here? We must have. I loved Grottos. Still did. Always would. It was the best pizza on the planet, and no one could tell me any differently. I grabbed another slice and took a huge bite. Cheesy, delicious perfection. I sighed.
“Here,” Brendan said and tossed a cell phone down on the table in front of me. “Now you can make that call you promised you’d make.”
“Whose phone is that?”
“I borrowed it from the bartender.”
That was a good idea, why hadn’t I thought of that? “Okay. I’ll call him. Why was I calling him again? I don’t want to talk to him.”
“At least let him know that you’re safe, alright?”
“I can do that. But I’m not leaving.”
“You can stay as long as you want.”
I smiled as I lifted up the phone. It finally felt like I had someone in my life I could trust. Someone I felt like myself around.
I bit the inside of my lip. That wasn’t true.
Rob had been so nice. I had truly felt comfortable around him.
And James. I was starting to get used to him.
As a friend. Not whatever we were supposed to be.
And as a friend, he deserved to know that I wasn’t dead in a ditch.
I punched in the number Brendan had written on the napkin and put the cell phone to my ear.
“Hello?” James answered after one ring. He sounded out of breath, like he was running.
What was he doing? “I’m safe. I just wanted you to know that.”
“Penny?”
“Yeah…”
“Where are you?” There was a dinging sound on his end, like he had just walked into a convenience store. The same noise sounded just a few seconds after the first one.
“I was just calling to let you know that I’m okay and you don’t have to worry.
” But I wasn’t okay. Even with alcohol coursing through my bloodstream, I still felt empty.
I had felt that way ever since I left the doctor’s office.
Or maybe I had felt that way ever since I left New York. Which made zero sense.
“Penny, I’ve spent almost 24 hours thinking you were dead. So don’t fucking tell me not to worry.”
I winced at his words. “I left you a note to explain…”
“You didn’t explain anything.” He exhaled loudly. “You promised you’d hear me out. I was going to tell you everything last night. Just…tell me where you are so I can bring you home.”
I shook my head, but then realized he couldn’t see me. “I’m not coming back with you.”
“Penny, where are you?”
“My favorite restaurant.” I had a feeling he had no idea what that was. So I was safe.
“You’re in Philly? Fuck,” he mumbled. “I thought that La Patisserie closed at like 3 or something?” There was a muffled noise and his voice sounded far away. “Ian, get the car.”
I guess he knew me better than I thought. Better than I knew myself. La Patisserie was my favorite restaurant. “No, I meant my other favorite restaurant.”
“In Wilmington or Newark?”
My heart started racing. There were Grottos in Wilmington and Newark. But there were also some in Rehoboth. Maybe he didn’t know I was referring to Grottos. “James, it doesn’t matter. Brendan made me call you to let you know I’m safe. Now I have. Please just move on with your life.”
“You’re with Brendan?”
Shit! Was he psychic? “How did you know who I was with?”
“You just told me. Penny, are you drunk?”
Oh God. I ended the call and threw the phone at Brendan. “He somehow knew I was with you. It’s like he can read my freaking mind.”
“I heard you tell him you were with me.” Brendan’s phone started ringing. “He’s going to kill me for not calling him sooner.” He went to answer it but I slapped it out of his hand.
“Penny, I’m not going to avoid his calls.” His phone started ringing again.
“Don’t you dare answer it.”
“I have to. I can’t just ignore him.”
“Fine, answer it, traitor. But we need to get out of here, I’m pretty sure he knows where we are.” I tried to gracefully slide out of the booth, but I ended up toppling out of it. The floor looked like it was moving. Maybe Brendan was right about me drinking too much.
“Whoa, are you okay?” Brendan put his hands on my waist to steady me. “Take it easy.”
I placed my hand down on the table so I could support myself. I hoped I wasn’t about to be sick. My stomach felt like it was spinning as much as the floor.
“Are you alright?” Brendan asked.
I shook my head.
“Penny!” someone yelled.
It was like I could still hear James’ voice in my head. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about him? First the dream, now this? I needed to forget about him like I was asking him to forget about me.
“Penny!” someone yelled again.
Brendan removed his hands from my hips and I almost fell over.
I smelled James before I saw him. The comforting smell of his cologne washed over me. And then his strong arms wrapped around me, cocooning me in warmth. And I didn’t know why, but it felt like I was finally home. The thought made tears prick the corners of my eyes.
“Baby.” His breath tickled my skin as he nuzzled his face into the side of my neck.
“I thought I lost you.” The tip of his nose grazed my skin.
“I thought I lost you,” he said again. And then his lips grazed my skin, setting my body on fire.
His fingers pressed into the small of my back, drawing me even closer to him.
It was like I was living my dream. He breathed me in like I was the only sustenance he needed.
It felt wonderful. And perfect. And wrong. So so wrong. His distress wasn’t for me. His kisses weren’t for me. His touch wasn’t for me. My stomach rolled. “James.” I hated that my voice came out airy and needy.
He held me even tighter, which was comforting, but at the same time it squeezed my stomach.
I pulled away from him just as everything I had eaten decided to make a reappearance. All over his shoes. God.
I had the faintest recollection that he was wearing a pair of sneakers instead of dress shoes.
He was also wearing jeans and a zip-up hoodie.
It was like he had transformed into the non-serious man of my dreams. And he didn’t even flinch when I vomited all over his shoes. He just rubbed his hand on my back.
“It’s okay, Penny. I’m here. I’m here now and everything’s going to be okay.”
I believed him. Or at least, I wanted to believe him.
But my stomach didn’t. I hunched over and threw up again until my stomach was as empty as my heart.
He wouldn’t be looking at me the same way once I told him I couldn’t have children.
Those words would erase everything we ever had.
It was an easy out. But I wanted him to hold me just a little longer.
I wanted him to kiss the side of my neck again.
I wanted him to breathe me in like I was the air that filled his lungs.
Just one last time so I could ingrain it in my memory.
Being loved seemed like a wonderful thing.
Maybe one day I’d find out what loving someone felt like.