A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 20
Sunday
"You said you were tired of hearing everyone talking about the same people in their lives. You said to think outside the box. That's what I did. This," I held the paper up again, "is bullshit, Professor Hunter."
"Please take a seat," he replied calmly.
I ignored him and walked behind his desk so that I was right next to him. I picked up the paper and quoted him: "You failed to harness your audiences' attention. I was one of the last people to go, and I still made them laugh!"
"Penny..."
"It was unclear what your point was," I quoted him again. "My point was that I choose who gets a chance at inspiring me. I said that several times, Professor Hunter. Maybe you weren't listening."
"Penny..."
"And this C- used to be an A. I can see it through the whiteout.
You changed my grade. You changed it because you overheard Tyler say that the speech was about him.
Well it wasn't about him. It was about you.
" I poked him hard in the middle of his chest. "I don't know why I ever let you kiss me.
Is this a game to you, Professor Hunter? "
He drew closer to me. He looked so angry. "Penny, I'm fully aware that this isn't a game. This is my career that we're talking about."
"And this is my G.P.A." I crinkled the paper in my fist and threw it on the ground.
My heart was beating fast. He was glaring down at me from under his thick eyebrows.
The hunger in his eyes was a temptation I could no longer resist. I had been lying to myself this whole time.
I wasn't a good girl. I was bad. And boldness suddenly came easily to me.
I reached up behind his neck and pulled his head down.
Without hesitation, he tilted his head the rest of the way down and kissed me deeply.
When our lips touched my whole body tingled.
He placed his hands on my back and slowly let them drift to my ass.
I loved his hands on me. He squeezed my ass hard and lifted me up.
I wrapped my legs around him as he shoved my back against the adjacent wall.
He buried his face in my neck and let his lips trace my collarbone.
It sent shivers down my spine. I slid my fingers through his thick hair.
He lifted his head. "I told you to stop thinking about me." His breathing was heavy. He pressed his body even more firmly against mine.
"I can't possibly."
"You're infuriating, Penny," he whispered into my ear.
"Then punish me, Professor Hunter."
I sat up in bed, panting. Ow. It felt like my head was going to explode.
I lifted my hand to my forehead and unceremoniously slapped myself in the face.
Ow. I leaned forward, resting my forehead against my knees.
Another dream. I knew that’s all it was.
Because I couldn’t remember anything before or after it.
James had told me he was my professor. So I had a professorly dream.
A really amazing dream. I squeezed my eyes shut.
But it felt so real. Like if I reached out, I’d be sitting on the edge of his desk instead of a bed.
A bed. My eyes flew open. Where the hell was I? I scrambled off the mattress, ignoring my pounding headache. As soon as my feet hit the floor, everything came back in a rush. James’ shoes. God, I had thrown up all over his shoes.
I turned around in the bedroom. It had the same light gray walls and hardwood floors as Brendan’s apartment. Fingers crossed I was still there. I wandered out of the bedroom and knew immediately that I wasn’t in Brendan’s apartment anymore.
James was standing at the kitchen counter with his back turned toward me. He was wearing the same jeans from yesterday and a fresh t-shirt. His cell phone was balanced between his shoulder and ear.
I felt like I could still taste his lips from my dream.
Still smell his cologne. Still feel his hardness pressed against me.
Stop. What the hell was I doing? My dreams were mixing with my reality, messing with my head.
I didn’t know James. My reaction to him wasn’t real.
It was just a fantasy. It meant nothing.
“I’ll be back tonight, okay?” he said into the phone as he pulled out something from the toaster oven. He waved his hand in the air like he had just burned himself. “I know. Everything’s going to go back to normal soon, I promise. But I have to go, pumpkin.”
Pumpkin? I immediately swallowed down my jealousy.
I was glad he had someone else in his life.
It’s what I wanted. I hoped that he’d get back together with his ex-wife.
Was that who he was talking to? I wondered if their talks had been going on longer than I was injured.
Maybe he was cheating on me. But I didn’t believe the thought.
He didn’t look at me like he wanted someone else.
He looked at me like I was his whole world.
Not that I knew from experience what that look was.
It was possible that I had it all wrong. Maybe he wished I had died.
“I love you too,” he said into the phone.
“Be good okay?” He laughed at something that was said on the other end.
“Then tell Soph I say hi too. I’ll see you both later.
” He hung up the phone and ran his hand through his hair, like the secret he was hiding was excruciating.
He didn’t need to feel bad. I kind of hoped he was cheating on me.
It would make all of this so much easier.
“Pumpkin?” I asked.
He turned around. “No…that…”
“It’s okay. Really.” I shrugged my shoulders.
“It was just…Rob.” He sounded so much more tense than he just had on the phone. Whoever was on the other line made him much happier than I did.
It was true, I didn’t know him, but I could still tell he was lying. Obviously. “You call your brother Pumpkin? That seems highly unlikely.”
He pressed his lips together.
I broke eye contact with him and my gaze landed on his bare feet. “I’m sorry about your shoes.”
“I don’t care about my shoes. I’m just glad you’re safe.”
“Yeah.” I folded my arms in front of my chest. “You didn’t have to come.”
He just stared at me.
“Where’s Brendan?”
“In his own apartment.” His words came out harsh.
I hugged my arms tighter against my chest. “You don’t have to be mad at him. He didn’t do anything wrong.” I was messing everything up. I didn’t want to make his life worse by screwing up his friendships too.
“You were with him all afternoon and he didn’t call me. I have a right to be pissed.”
“At me . Not him.”
“I’m not upset with you.”
“Well, you should be, James. I was the one that left. I was the one that didn’t want to call you. I was the one that wrote the note, which I’m sorry about by the way. For some reason, I didn’t think through how it would look. But regardless, you should be upset with me , not Brendan.”
“I’m trying my best…”
“I’m not asking for your best. I’m asking you to be real. If you’re mad at me, tell me. If you want to yell at me, yell at me. Don’t take it out on someone else…”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Penny.
Do you want me to say that I hate that you don’t remember me?
That you don’t remember us?” He walked over toward me.
“That I feel like I’m living in a daze? That I don’t understand how you could possibly run away from what we have?
That it felt like I died last night when I couldn’t find you?
” He stopped a few inches in front of me.
“What? Is that what you want? Then fine. I’m furious with you.
But I can’t hate you because I love you too fucking much.
” He looked up at the ceiling like he didn’t want me to see his expression.
When he titled his face back toward me, his eyes were closed.
“It hurts to look at you when you don’t look at me the way you used to. ”
With love. I looked at him like a stranger would. Because that’s what I was. A passerby in his life. Nothing more. I wasn’t sure what made me do it, but I reached out and touched his cheek.
He inhaled sharply. As if my touch shocked him like his shocked me. Like it ignited something inside of him. Images of my dream returned. His lips on mine, his fingers on my skin. I immediately removed my hand.
“Come home.” It wasn’t a command. It was a plea. He opened his eyes and stared at me.
“I feel more at home here than I do in New York.”
“Maybe that’s because we lived here together for a short time.”
“You mean in this apartment? And you kept it?”
“Rob moved in for a while. But when he left, I couldn’t make myself sell it. Sometimes we come here to reminisce.”
“That’s not why I feel at home here. I remember being here for school. I remember loving classes. This campus was the last place I felt like I belonged.”
“It’s also where we met.”
Why wasn’t he understanding? I wasn’t drawn to Newark because of him. I was drawn here to get away from him. “But I don’t remember that. I’m sorry.”
“Let me try to remind you.”
I shook my head. “You told Rob you’d be back tonight. I’m not going to keep you.”
“I do need to be back tonight. But it’s only 11 am. We have all day. Please, Penny. Just give me one day to try to remind you of what we have.”
His dark brown eyes looked so hopeful. He had handed me his broken heart and was waiting for me to put the pieces back together again. I needed to tell him that I didn’t know how. I needed to tell him that I wanted time and space, but then he grabbed my hand.
“Please, Penny.” He ran his thumb along the inside of my palm. “All I’m asking for is one chance.”
My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. It was beating so loudly I swore he could hear it. “And I can stay here tonight if I want?”
He smiled, but it looked pained. “I would never force you to come back with me. If what you want is here…” he squeezed my hand and shook his head. “Promise me you’ll try.” He looked down at my lips and then immediately looked back at my eyes.
I took a deep breath. “Okay.”
The smile that broke over his face was real this time. “Okay.” He dropped my hand. “First up, waffles. Homemade Eggo waffles.”
I laughed. “Are they homemade or are they Eggo waffles?” I sat down at the kitchen island.
He grabbed two plates and brought them over. “Well, I toasted them. They may be slightly freezer burnt because we haven’t been here in awhile. But I’m sure they’re fine.”
“You really know how to woo a girl.”
He put his elbows on the counter and leaned forward. “You have no idea.”
The way he said it was suggestive enough.
But then his eyes gravitated to my lips again.
And God, I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me.
I remembered what it was like to be kissed by him and there was no better feeling in the world.
I looked down at my waffle. No, I didn’t remember.
I had dreamed of it. There was a huge difference.
I took a huge bite of my waffle and kept my eyes glued to my plate. I didn’t deserve the way he looked at me. Because it didn’t matter how today went. Tonight, I’d tell him about my surgery. I’d tell him it was best he moved on. And we’d part ways forever.