This Is Love - Chapter 7
Monday - Penny
I felt like I was dreaming. The rain hitting the asphalt caused clouds of steam to surround us, encasing us in a haze. His face was blurry in front of me, but I knew it was because of my tears instead of the rain.
I had tried to push him away. I had tried to push love away. I couldn’t apologize enough. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and beg him for forgiveness. But he was holding me so tightly that I couldn’t move an inch. I could barely even breathe. And I wouldn’t change a thing.
How many times had he held me like this in the past? I was seeing flashes of moments. Pieces of a puzzle that didn’t quite fit together. But it was enough. Just being in his arms would always be enough for me.
“I can’t live without you, Penny.” His voice was muffled in my hair. “I can’t breathe without you.”
His words caused more jumbled memories to collide, one after the next, until a longer one stuck. I could see it like it was yesterday, with the same cool rain falling around us.
"I do trust you." He looked up into the sky.
A raindrop hit my forehead. I looked up too. The drops fell faster until it was full on raining.
He abruptly stood up. "Let's get back to the car," he said.
Not when I was this close. "James, tell me."
"You're going to get a cold."
"James, tell me!"
"I've already told you. More or less." He put his hand through his hair. He looked completely distraught. "I thought you understood."
"Understood what?" I felt so dense. "What am I not the answer to?" I stood up. "What did she mean when she said to stop running? What are you running from? Don't push me away again. Don't do what she said you would."
"I was trying to protect you. I told you that."
"But what are you trying to protect me from? Why do you think I shouldn't be with you? It can't possibly be that bad. Just tell me what it is."
"Damn it, Penny." He pulled me against his chest and kissed me. It was angry and hard and hot. His hands slid to the small of my back. He pushed my shirt up slightly so that his palm was against my skin.
"Stop." I pushed on his chest. He was so manipulative. "Stop using sex as a weapon."
"I don't..." He looked at my face and released me from his grip. He took a step back from me. "I didn't realize I was doing that."
What I had said seemed to hurt his feelings. But I couldn't dwell on it right now. That wasn't what I wanted to talk about. "Tell me what you're hiding. You told me no more secrets. Don't you want us to work? Tell me!"
"I have told you! I told you that I was drunk all of college.
I told you that I've had sex with dozens of women.
I told you I threw myself into my career in order to avoid my life.
Everything I did was so that I didn't have to face reality.
Whatever horrible thing you can think of, I've probably done it.
I told you I wasn't a good man. I told you that. "
I swallowed hard. The rain against my face felt soothing. I wasn't sure what to say. I did know all that. That couldn't be what he was hiding.
"I'm an addict, Penny." He looked so young and so vulnerable.
What? He didn't drink that much. He didn't seem like an addict to me at all. He usually seemed calm and collected and completely in control. And then Isabella's words came back to me. I didn't see it because he wasn't addicted to drugs or booze right now. He was addicted to me. I'm his drug?
"Penny? Say something."
"All this talk about forever..."
"I mean it."
"But what happens when you get bored with me? Will you go off chasing your next high?"
"No." He lowered his eyebrows. "I'm not addicted to you. It's different with you, it's not the same."
"How do you know?"
"I was trying to avoid my life. I was miserable. Every day I felt like I was suffocating. I needed an escape. But I'm happy now."
"Because of me? Or because of teaching? Or what?"
"It was my decision to come here."
"Because you walked in on Isabella..."
"Yes. But I came here for me. I'm living the way I want to live. I'm not answering to anyone else. I don't need an escape anymore."
"Isabella said you needed to get help."
"I've gotten help."
"So you're not addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or work, or...sex anymore?"
"No. I haven't been addicted to anything since I left the city. I was living a life that wasn't mine there. I was numb. Those things made me feel alive. They sustained me. They were a choice I could make for myself."
"So you chose to do them? That doesn't make you an addict, James. If you had control over your choices..."
"I couldn't stop, Penny. Whenever I was able to pull myself out of one thing, I just moved on to the next." His words hung in the air. "Don't look at me like that. I'm not addicted to you. I'm not going to move on. I need you in my life. I need you, Penny."
He needs me. All of his words now seemed to have a double meaning. But didn't I need him too? When he didn't talk to me for weeks I was a complete mess. My world had become isolated and cold. And I had hated it. I hated my life without him.
"Penny, I've made so many mistakes. But I was young and stupid."
"You're still young."
"Okay. But I'm not stupid anymore." He gave me a forced smile.
"Addicts are like...it's not something that goes away, is it?"
"No, it's not."
"So, how do you control it?" I felt stupid asking these questions. The age gap between us suddenly felt larger than before. He was an adult, with adult problems. All I was worried about was my next Stat test. And now him.
He lowered his eyebrows slightly. "My therapist helps me with that."
"You have a therapist?"
"I do." His eyes searched my face. "He doesn't think I'm addicted to you either."
"You talk about me?"
"Yes."
"He knows that you're dating a student?"
"Doctor patient confidentiality. He did advise me against it. I think he's glad that I ignored his advice though."
"Why?"
"I'm happier when we're together. Everyone can see that."
It was weird, standing in the rain so far apart. It made me feel so separate from him. I didn't like that feeling. "Why didn't you just tell me?"
"Because I liked the way you looked at me. Like I was strong and in control. It made me feel like I could be those things for you. I thought everyone could see my demons when they looked in my eyes. You never did. You just saw me. I didn't want that to change."
"I don't think any differently of you." His words made me want to cry. I didn't have much self confidence. I thought he was the opposite of me. But we were more alike than I thought. He was so broken. I didn't want him to feel that way.
"You do. You're looking at me right now like I'm weak."
"I don't think that you're weak. You're incredibly strong for overcoming something like that."
He put his hands in his pockets. We were both completely drenched. He was staring at me. The distance between us was unbearable.
"I don't want you to leave me," he said slowly. "But if this is too much..."
"No. James." I closed the distance between us. "I'll never let you go."
"I'm not addicted to you."
"You keep saying that. And all I can think about is how rude it sounds." I smiled at him.
"I don't understand how you can keep choosing me. I'm..."
"Perfect. Everything that you've been through has made you who you are. And I love the man I see in front of me. I love you so much."
It started raining harder. "I'm divorced." He almost had to yell it over the rain.
"I know."
"No more of this waiting nonsense?"
"No. My heart is yours."
He was smiling down at me. "I'm divorced!" He picked me up and twirled me around.
I laughed as he set me back down on my feet. I rubbed my palm against the scruff on his cheek. "You're all mine."
"All yours, Miss Taylor." He turned his head and kissed my palm.
Miss Taylor. That wasn’t my name anymore. That wasn’t me. I was Mrs. James Hunter. And I couldn’t live without the man in front of me. I couldn’t breathe without him either.
“My heart is yours,” I mumbled into his chest. “Forever and always. It’s yours, James.”
He held me even tighter, if that was possible.
I wasn’t the same vulnerable girl from my memories.
I was strong. I was whole. I was a wife.
And a mother. All the memories came to a halt.
“Liam.” My voice came out like a croak as I pulled away from James’ embrace.
“We have to go to Liam.” I remembered him.
I remembered him kicking me constantly. And I remembered knowing he’d be a little boy.
I knew it. And now he was here and he hadn’t really met me. The real me.
“You’re soaked,” James' mother said. “Come inside. I’ll have Helga dry your clothes. And then we can all go see him together, okay?”
It felt like I was running out of time. Like I needed to see him right this second. As if there was a clock ticking down in my head approaching zero. “No, I need to see my son. He doesn’t know…he doesn’t know how much…”
James grabbed both sides of my face. “How much you love him? He knows, baby. Take a deep breath for me. My mother is right. We’ve both just been through surgery. We can’t afford to get sick on top of everything else. Liam needs us to be strong right now.”
Surgery. Surgery. The words echoed around in my head. “James.” I placed my hand on the left side of his chest. God, James. I could feel his heart beating through his shirt. “James.” My voice cracked.
“Let’s get in out of the rain.”
My dreamlike state returned as he guided me into the house. His mom started talking and pointing but I didn’t hear anything she said. But I did register the fact that she smiled at me. I had never seen her smile at me before. Right?
James and I walked into a guest bedroom. I had a million things I needed to tell him. He didn’t know about Dr. Nelson. He didn’t know what pieces of us I remembered. I had apologized, but he didn’t really know how sorry I was. How could I put it into words? How could I ever apologize enough?
“Penny?”