This Is Love - Chapter 7 #4
"It doesn't matter if it's this," he grabbed the bag off the ground, "or alcohol or you.
I'm an addict. I've always been an addict.
And I'll always be an addict. You hide things from me because you're scared of what will happen if I slip.
I've already slipped. Every time I fuck you I'm slipping.
Can't you see that? Can't you see that I have no fucking control? I almost hurt you..."
"Stop."
"Penny, I can't..."
"Stop!" My words seemed to echo in the silent night.
"You didn't hurt me. I love when you're rough with me.
You fucked me like that because I asked you to.
Nothing has changed from this morning. What you see as addiction, I see as love.
And the fact that you didn't take whatever is in that bag means you're not an addict. "
"Because it wouldn't compare to you! I'm broken, Penny. I'm weak. I'm not worthy of you."
"James." I tried to keep my voice as even as I could.
"I'm not scared about you slipping because you're weak.
I'm scared because I don't know what that side of you is like.
All I've ever known is the you that I see in front of me.
As far as I'm concerned that's the only you that exists.
I'm so sorry I kept you in the dark. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to."
"I know." He walked past me and put his elbows on the ledge.
When I had come out here, I thought this moment was so perfect. I wish I could go back in time and ask him to make love to me. Now I was just tired and upset and James was refusing to look at me. This wasn't how it was supposed to be the night before we got married.
"I thought when you found the right person, things were supposed to be easy," he said more to the skyline than to me. "Why does it feel like this relationship is always so much work?"
"I know what you're doing. You're trying to push me away.
Again. Like you always do." I leaned against the ledge beside him.
"It's like you're stuck in reverse. Why do you not believe in what we have?
Why do you keep pushing me away? You and I both know that I didn't walk away from you.
This isn't about me. This is about you being scared.
And that doesn't make you weak. I'm scared too. "
He shook his head.
"Talk to me."
He turned his head to me. "Tomorrow, after I say I do, that's it for me.
It's my fresh start. You're my fresh start.
If something happens to that, I'm done. I can't live without you.
I can't even function without you. You say you don't care if I'm addicted to you.
That's your decision. I'm not going to stop you from marrying me because I don't want to.
All I've ever wanted was for you to be mine.
But yeah, it's fucking terrifying. Because there are no guarantees in life.
Who knows what'll happen the next day or the day after that.
I've given myself so completely to you that there's nothing left of me without you. There is no me without you."
"James, I feel exactly the same way. And I didn't realize how true that was until our fight last night. And that's why you're feeling that way. Because now you know what it's like to lose me. But I'm not going anywhere."
"You don't know that."
"I'm healthy. And I'm careful. And we have security guards following us around protecting us."
James shook his head. "I'm worried about Isabella. I can't explain it. I just...I know she's planning something. I can feel it. Maybe I'm just unsettled. I realize that no one else thinks Isabella would hurt anyone. But she's out there somewhere, and I'm scared that she'll try."
"We're going to be okay." I put my hand on top of his. "Anything else you need to get off your chest?"
"I want to know that you'll let me protect you."
"I'm letting Porter follow me around. They can hang out with us all the time if that's what you need."
"No, I like being alone with you." He smiled for the first time since we had sex. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just finally getting nervous about tomorrow too."
I ducked underneath his arm and let him wrap himself around me. "I promise I'm going to show up."
He laughed. "What about you? Is there anything you need to get off your chest before tomorrow?"
I thought about how I kept things from him before. I wasn't going to do that anymore. "I was wondering if maybe you should call your therapist? I know it's late, so in the morning maybe? To talk to him about the fact that you think you're addicted to me."
"We've already talked about it. He'll say that I'm not."
"So why don't you believe him or me?"
"Because I can't properly express how it felt when you left last night. I can't make someone understand when they don't know how it feels."
"But that's what I've been trying to tell you. I know how it feels. Because I love you."
"Your first reaction wasn't to go out and buy cocaine though."
"Only because I've never done cocaine before. Maybe it would have been. Who knows?"
James laughed. He ran his fingers through my hair. "I'll call him in the morning if it'll make you feel better."
"I just want you to go into tomorrow knowing that what we have is love," I said.
"Okay. I'll call him. Anything else?"
I hated bringing up more stuff. But I had to.
This had become a night of confessions. There was no point holding back now.
"At the precinct today, that cop said something about how I'd probably have to fill out a lot of restraining orders if I was marrying you.
Or something like that. What have you been arrested for, James? "
"Nothing that serious."
"Just tell me the list."
"Isabella filed a restraining order against me after I beat up the guy she was screwing behind my back. She said she was scared I'd come after her next. It was ridiculous. I never laid a hand on her. She was just trying to pretend to be the victim."
"Okay." That had to be what the officer was referring too. But I wanted to hear it all. "What else?"
"Just minor things."
"Then tell me."
He released me from his embrace so he could look down at me. "It was a long time ago."
"I promise I'm not going to judge you."
"Okay." He ran his hand through his hair.
"There were a few fights once or twice that got pretty ugly during summer breaks of college.
I hated coming home. I was angry all the time.
" He shook his head. "I think I got something for peeing in a bush in Central Park once.
I don't even really remember. Public drunkenness.
I wrote some threatening letters to one of Jen's ex-boyfriends.
He deserved it. I don't regret that at all.
That was another restraining order. And I've been arrested for being in possession of drugs.
Nothing since the restraining order from Isabella, though. Nothing since I've met you."
"How are you not in jail right now?"
"I have a really good lawyer. And a lot of money."
I shook my head. "So no fights recently?"
"I don't have anything to be angry about anymore."
"You punched Tyler in the face."
"Tyler fucking deserved that."
"He didn't take your money."
"But he wanted you the whole fucking time we were together. And I trusted him. I let you hang out with him every Friday night for the past year because I trusted him."
"He was trustworthy. And he still is. He only ever said anything to me when he realized you broke up with me. Which he found out about because you showed up at his place and punched him in the face. I didn't tell him."
James raised his eyebrow at me.
"Please don't punch anyone else. And don't yell at cops. And don't buy cocaine."
He sighed.
"I feel like those are things most people don't need to be reminded of," I said.
"I'm not most people."
"I know." I touched the side of his face. "You're so much better. Thank you for telling me. Geez, that cop made it seem like you had a rap sheet of beating up women."
"I would never hurt you."
"It hurts me when you try to push me away."
He pulled me back against his chest. "Then I'm done pushing you away." He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry that I ruined tonight."
"Tonight was perfect. It finally feels like there's nothing left unspoken between us. Do you have any idea how relieved I feel?"
"I feel it too."
"There is one more thing, though," I said.
I felt his body tense.
"Does a small part of you just want to hop on the next flight out of here and get married somewhere obscure?"
He laughed. "Maybe a small part. If it means I could have you all to myself."
"You already have me all to yourself."
There was so much steam in the shower that I could barely see James a few feet in front of me. His question swirled around in my head. Do you remember what it’s like when I’m mad at you?
“I remember. But I’m not your fiancée anymore. I’m your wife, James. I’m the mother of your children. And despite what you might think, you don’t want to punish me right now. I made you a promise all those years ago that I’d always show up. And here I am. I’m showing up."
He stepped forward so that I could see him clearer. “So what you’re saying is that I should be taking care of you?” He put his hand on the center of my chest and pushed me backward until my back hit the cold tiled wall.
My whole body shivered.
“Worshipping your body?”
I swallowed hard.
“You tried to break my heart, Penny.”
“You said you forgave me.” Right this second, I didn’t care if he had or not.
He was looking at me in that way. The way that had always made my knees weak.
The way that gave a girl like me the courage to kiss him during his office hours all those years ago.
I never was able to resist him when he looked at me like that.
His hand slid between my breasts, down my stomach, and stopped right where my body needed him the most. “You’ve forgotten that you spread your legs for me in my office after just one kiss?
Don’t forget what we once were, Penny. You fucking love being punished.
I’m just giving you what you want. What is it that you said? ” He ran his thumb against my clit.
“James,” I moaned.
He raised his left eyebrow. “No, that wasn’t it. I believe it was something about me not being a white knight? I’m a dark one?” The tip of his index finger swirled around my wetness.
I reached out and gripped his shoulders.
“You chose me. You chose the darkness. So don’t pretend for a second that you don’t love when I spank you.
That you don’t love when I fuck you so hard you can’t walk.
” He slipped a finger inside of me. “That you don’t love when you call me Professor Hunter like it’s the dirtiest thing you’ve ever said. ”
I moaned as he removed his fingers from my skin.
“This is going to hurt, Penny. But the best part? You’re going to love it.” He lifted my legs around his waist and then thrust inside of me hard.
The sensation of him filling me made me gasp. Fuck. God, I wasn’t ready for him. It felt like he was ripping me open. But when he pulled back and thrust in again, I felt a wave of pleasure.
I dug my fingers into the muscles of his back until he pulled them away and pushed the backs of my hands against the cold wall.
No one could love me the way that he could. Emotionally. Physically. It was like his cock was made just for me.
He slammed into me again, harder than before.
Jesus. He was right. I loved that it hurt.
I loved the line between pleasure and pain.
I fucking loved the way he made me feel.
I wasn’t the light to his darkness at all.
I was as dark as him. I clenched my muscles around his cock, making him groan.
No, I wasn’t the same girl that fell in love with her professor.
I was older, wiser, and had done tons of kegel exercises while I was pregnant.
Our sex was great back then. But now? It was fucking amazing.
I finally felt like I was as good at pleasing him as he was at pleasing me.
His kisses trailing the side of my neck were so soft compared to the way he was slamming into me.
Like he wanted me to feel the love despite the fact that we were fucking.
And just as I thought it, he sucked on the side of my neck hard, erasing any feeling of soft intimacy.
It felt like a lightning bolt went through me.
And I remembered. I remembered everything.
The pain mixed with the pleasure. The smell of his cologne combined with the steam and filled my nose, swirling memories to the surface.
Each thrust felt like one from the past. All the times he had held me against a wall just like this.
The times he devoured me like I was all he needed to survive.
All the times he whispered dirty things in my ear to make me come.
But it was my turn today. “I love you, Professor Hunter,” I whispered into his ear.
I came at the same time as him, the warmth of him inside of me tipping me over the edge. I felt drunk as he continued to hold me against the wall. His hot breath on the side of my neck was the most comforting sensation in the world. I was intoxicated by him.
He lightly kissed the side of my neck once more before placing his forehead against mine.
His eyes were closed and I took the time to breathe him in.
His exhales were the only air I needed. With him still inside of me and him holding me up in his arms I felt so at peace.
And calm. And whole. Except for a lingering pain on the side of my neck.
“You gave me a hickey, didn’t you?” I tried not to smile too hard.
He slowly opened his eyes. “Recently you’ve been forgetting that you're mine. Now you’ll remember.”
I was never going to forget again.