This Is Love - Chapter 17
Wednesday - Penny
I rushed out of the room before James could see me cry. He had just told me that my laughter was what reduced his stress. Yet, here I was.
I was trying to be strong. But my husband’s heart was failing.
My baby boy couldn’t even breathe without being attached to all those machines.
And the future I wanted had just disappeared.
Really. There were no more ifs, ands, or buts about it.
No more children. It was a fact now instead of just a…
I shook away the thought. It had always been a fact.
I had just let myself believe for no reason at all.
I was so filled with hope for James and Liam that I let a little of that hope creep into my own situation as well.
My feet stopped moving and I leaned against the wall in some random hallway of the hospital.
I couldn’t go see Liam like this. I was trying so hard to hold it together and then one ounce of bad news had me teetering over the edge.
I let myself cry as my back slid down the wall.
My butt hit the floor with a thud and I pulled my knees into my chest. I needed to get all of this out of my system before James was done with his exam.
I needed to be a ball of positive energy filled with laughter and smiles and hope.
The thought made me cry even harder. I felt like I was breaking under the stress that I just promised James I could help carry.
But it was more than that. I felt like something in my life was missing.
Maybe it was the idea of the children I’d never have now.
Like there was a part of me I didn’t have anymore.
Hopes and dreams, maybe. It certainly wasn’t my phone.
Having that back meant nothing to me. I hadn’t missed it at all.
I leaned over more and felt the waistband of my shorts biting at my skin. God, and I was also fat. I hated the extra baby weight I had put on. Or maybe I just hated these shorts. Why did I pack jean shorts anyway? I was a grownup. Grownups didn’t wear cutoff jean shorts.
Pull yourself together. I needed to find a way to stop crying. I needed to think of kittens or baby goats. Damn it, why did my go to happy place revolve solely around babies?
My phone started vibrating in my pocket. I pulled it out to see Rob’s name. If anyone in the world could cheer me up, it was him. It felt like the universe had told him that I needed him right now. Maybe having my phone back was a good thing after all. I slid my finger across the screen.
“Hey,” I said.
“I guess James finally gave you all your shit back?”
“Mhm.”
“Did he give you your rings back in some elaborate over the top way? I told him it wasn’t necessary. That you’d remember his original proposal soon enough.”
I looked down at my left hand. The tan lines on my ring finger. Was that why I felt empty? Because James hadn’t given me my rings back? I took a deep breath and closed my hand into a fist. It did feel off. It felt too light. Too meaningless. Why hadn’t he given them back?
“Penny?”
I wasn’t even sure what he had asked. “Yeah.”
“Are you okay?”
I sniffed. “No. Not really.”
“Fuck. It was bad news? Give it to me straight. Tell me everything. Let me put you on speaker phone so Daphne can hear too.”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, there’s no news at all.”
“Oh.” There was an awkward pause. “Then what’s wrong?”
This wasn’t something I should talk about with Rob.
It was a conversation I needed to have with James.
But technically we’d already had it. He said he was okay that we couldn’t have more children.
That he wouldn’t have wanted me to get pregnant again anyway because it was too risky.
But I had seen the hope in his eyes for a minute there. That maybe. Just…maybe.
“It’s nothing, Rob. How is Scarlett doing?”
“Scarlett’s fine. Tell me what’s wrong. I can tell that you’ve been crying, and you know that you suck at lying. So spill it.”
I sniffed again. “My shorts don’t fit.”
“Try again.”
I laughed. “They really don’t. And I feel like I’ve had these since college. Maybe I’m more like that lost 19-year-old girl than I realize.” I placed my forehead in my hand.
“Everything that’s lost can be found.”
“Even when it’s your future?”
“What have you lost, Penny? You just got everything back.”
I slid my legs out in front of me, not caring that I was in the way of anyone walking past. “Did James tell you about my surgery?”
“The C-section? No, he never mentioned it. We all assumed you had it.”
“No, not that one. I had…” I let my voice trail off.
“The name doesn’t matter. I can’t have any more children.
I wanted more children. There’s so much going on right here right now and I feel like what I was looking forward to most in the future isn’t there anymore.
And I just feel like…like I’ve been robbed. ”
“Robbed should be a good term don’t you think? Like, damn girl, you just robbed the shit out of that.”
I laughed. “That’s not helping.”
“You literally just laughed.”
I laughed again.
“See!” He laughed too for a few seconds. And then the line went completely silent.
I didn’t have anything to fill the silence. I let it stretch between us.
“I’m sorry, Penny,” he finally said.
“Me too. I know James wanted more kids. He might say otherwise, but you should have seen his face when the doctor confirmed it.” I looked down at my naked ring finger. “What if he wants that more than he wants me?”
“Kids? Are you kidding? I mean, he loves Scarlett and Liam. But he lives for you, Penny. He was a mess when you were unconscious. And that day you ran out on all of us? It nearly killed him.”
“He hasn’t given me my rings back.”
“Oh.”
“I’m trying not to read into that. But…he gave me back my phone.”
“Well, like I said earlier, he wanted to do it in some grand way. He’s probably just planning something over the top romantic.”
“Or debating whether he wants to give them back to me at all. And it’s more than just the kids. He said my laughter is what calms him down. And I’ve been this huge stress…”
“Monster. You’ve been a stress monster.”
I laughed. “Is that what you’re calling it?”
“Absolutely. You’ve been in quite the mood ever since you started submitting your manuscript to agents.”
“I know. So add that on top of my inability to have children. And my fatness.”
“Penny, you are a beautiful goddess.”
“You’re inappropriate.”
“You’re sexy.”
“Rob…”
“You’re a perfect 10.”
“I don’t know how Daphne isn’t always mad at you.”
“She understands me. Just like James understands you. And loves you. He’s not going to divorce you, Penny. Not in a million years.”
I ran my thumb along the tan line on my ring finger. I hope you’re right. “Hey, you got me to stop crying.”
“It was all my lines right? How about…your body is a wonderland?”
“I’m going to go hang out with Liam. He can’t say inappropriate things yet.”
“Silence is consent.”
“Gross, Rob.”
He laughed. “I love you, Penny. Cheer up, okay? We’re planning a huge welcome home party for you guys. Bring back J.J. for us.”
“His name is Liam.” I stood up and brushed the dust off my ass.
“Whatever. Let me know when you’re heading back. We might even hire your gay wedding planner to organize the event just to make James and Mason super uncomfortable. I’m still a little pissed that he never hit on me.”
“You can’t hire Justin. He only does weddings. Besides, you can’t have all the men and all the women in New York fawning over you.”
“Why not? What happened to freedom of…sex or whatever.”
I laughed. “Bye, Rob.”
“Bye, sweet-cheeks.”
I slid the phone back into my pocket. Freedom of sex.
Not the right terminology whatsoever. But it had given me an idea.
I looked down at my empty ring finger. That was the part of me that was missing.
I was used to wearing a ring to symbolize my love and devotion to James.
I only saw one way to fix that. I needed to get my rings back.
I made my way down the hall to the NICU. The only problem with getting my rings back was that I didn’t know how. Should I just ask for them back? Should I propose?
The nurse started unhooking Liam from tubes and machines when I walked in. After a few minutes, he was in my arms and for a moment I was able to forget about all my worries. He felt so comfortable in my arms. I hoped he felt as comforted by my presence as I did by his.
“What do you think, baby boy?” I whispered. “What should I do?”
He blinked up at me.
“If I propose, it needs to be the epitome of romance. Your dad always does these huge grand gestures. I want to do something like that for him.”
He opened his tiny little mouth and yawned.
“Am I boring you?” I leaned down and kissed his forehead. “What would you do, Liam?”
He yawned again.
“It’s easy for you. You’d propose beautifully. You’ll be perfectly romantic just like your father.” I smiled. Just like your father. “You’re brilliant, Liam.” I kissed his forehead again and looked up at the nurse in the room. “Do you know when Dr. Hughes is going to be done with his deliveries?”
“I haven’t heard anything from him yet, so it’ll still be awhile.”
“If James comes, could you tell him I stepped out for a minute?”
“Where should I tell him you’ve gone?”
“If he’s worried just…have him text me.” I'd almost forgotten that I had my phone back. “I’ll be back soon, baby boy.” I rocked Liam in my arms once more. “Keep Daddy distracted okay?” I handed him over to the nurse and then ran out of the room.