This Is Love - Chapter 18
Wednesday - James
“Try the deep breathing again,” Dr. Young said.
I concentrated as hard as I could. Inhale. Exhale. But I was thinking about Penny running out of the room. I needed to know if she was okay. I never should have let her leave.
Dr. Young sighed and removed the wand he had been moving around in the gel. The gel that was practically scalding when he had squirted it onto my chest.
“You’re not good at this,” he said.
“Good at what?”
“Breathing. Breathing, James. Your heart is functioning fine. The reason your cardiologist has been talking about another possible surgery is because you’re going to reverse what your last surgery fixed in a matter of days at this rate. You need to calm down.”
“I am calm,” I said way too defensively for a calm person.
Dr. Young untucked his beard from his shirt. “And I’m a canary with a beard.”
I knew he was trying to make a point. But I didn’t find it funny at all. I sat up, ignoring the gel sliding down my chest.
“Your mind is getting in the way of your heart’s health.” He tapped the side of my head.
I pushed his hand away. “I’m gonna go try to find Penny.”
“Not yet you aren’t. Not till we get to the bottom of this. Come on. Hit me with more of your issues. We’ve been over your worries about your son and wife. What else do you got? I can take it. Canary can handle it.” He grinned at me.
“I have a therapist.”
“And for 22 more hours you also have me.” He sat down beside me on the exam table. “Your wife paid me good money to come see you.”
“I bet she did.”
“Are you stressed about money?”
“No.”
“I know hospital bills can add up, but…”
“I’m not stressed about money.” It was basically the one thing I wasn’t stressed about.
“If you keep going at this rate, you’ll force my hand. I’ll have to perform surgery. And your heart is still weak from your last one.”
I shook my head.
“I’m good at what I do. But you’ll die if we have to perform that surgery, James. You’ll die.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I told you about my wife and child. I’m worried about both of them. That’s it.”
“Yet your heart is still racing. There’s something else. Something else that is stressing you out.”
“I’m not stressed! I’m angry.” I could feel my heart racing just thinking about it.
Dr. Young nodded expectantly. “Good. And why are you angry?”
“Because I’m the one that fucked up when I was young. I was the one that got in fights and did drugs and got locked up. This bad karma that my family is experiencing is my fault. They didn’t do anything to deserve any of this. It’s all on me.” It’s all on me.
“Surely that was all a long time ago now. You’re not such a young man anymore. And karma isn’t real. You know that. That’s not it either. Tell me why you’re angry.”
“I just told you.”
“Try again.”
I ran my fingers through my hair.
“Maybe it’s not stress or anger. Maybe it’s something else entirely.”
I shook my head.
“I think you’re scared, James. Scared of losing that beautiful wife of yours.”
I shook my head again and pulled the rings out of my pocket. “I’m worried I already lost her.” I turned the rings over in my palm.
“She gave those back to you?”
“No. The doctors took them off during her surgery. I’ve wanted to give them back to her. But at first she didn’t remember who I was. And now…now she does.”
“You’re nervous. To propose a second time to your wife. Why? She already said yes.”
“She was too young to know better. She’s had years more experience now. She’s lived with me. She’s seen my ups and downs. She knows better now. And she hasn’t made one hint that she wants them back. What if she doesn’t want them back?”
“That woman in here that I saw? The one that talked to me on the phone for nearly an hour, begging me to come here to see you? That woman loves you, James.” He lifted up his stethoscope and pressed it against my chest. “There. Now that’s the deep breath I’ve been waiting for.”
I laughed. Did this lunatic actually just help me?
“I don’t think you believed me when I said it earlier, but karma really doesn’t exist. We control what happens in our lives.”
“I’m a believer in fate.” Penny was such a believer in it that she had made me a believer too. “Karma. Fate. They must all be aligned somehow.” I slid the rings back into my pocket.
“Oh, the fates are real. But karma shmarma. It’s nonsensical.
And you remember it.” He patted the gel on my chest. “A few more days of this relaxed breathing and you’ll be as good as new.
I’ll stay till the end of the week to monitor your progress.
Free of charge because you’ve already paid me much more than a week’s salary.
But stick to this and there will be no issues. And certainly no surgery.”
“Thank you.” My words didn’t feel like enough. This man had just told me what I needed to do to get my life back. I owed him everything.
“Here, let me clean you up.” He grabbed a towel and ran it down my chest. “Oh my, what big abs you have.”
I laughed.
“I’ll fix your heart and you can show me how to get abs of steel. I can cut my beard if I have muscles like those to show off.” He patted his beer belly.
“Deal, Dr. Young.”
He grinned. “Call me Gooch. All my friends do.”
“Gooch?”
“Yup. Like Gucci but oh so much less extra.” He patted my cheek. “And I have no idea why. My first name is Simon. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He winked at me and left me alone in the exam room.
I slid off the table, wondering if all of that had been a strange dream. I grabbed my shirt off the floor and pulled it over my head. Breathe in. Breathe out. I needed two days to make sure my heart was healed up. Two days of no stress. I walked out of the room and wandered toward the NICU.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle our meeting with Dr. Hughes.
And I needed to talk to Penny about her surgery.
I needed her to know that I was fine with the size of our family.
But if she wanted it to grow, that there were other options besides having biological kids of our own. We’d figure something out together.
And as soon as I got the all clear from Dr. Young, I’d propose again.
Until then, I couldn’t think about it. I just needed to focus on breathing.
I opened up the door of the NICU and stopped by my son.
I got down close to the glass. “Hey, little dude. How are you feeling today?” He was sleeping peacefully.
“Did you want to hold him?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to disturb him while he’s sleeping. Have you seen my wife?”
“Yes. She said she had to step out for a few minutes. But that you could text her if you needed anything. I did just hear from Dr. Hughes too. He’s scrubbing off from a delivery. He should be coming up to meet you in about ten minutes. You can feel free to wait in his office.”
“Great. Did Penny mention where she was going?”
She shook her head. “No. I’m sorry, she didn’t say.” She looked back down at her clipboard. “If you’ll excuse me.” She went over to one of the other babies and started to check his vitals.
“It’s going to be good news, Liam,” I said down to him sleeping.
“I know it will be.” I went back out into the hall and sent Penny a text letting her know Dr. Hughes would be ready in ten minutes.
There was a very real part of me that wanted to freak out.
To demand to know where she was so I could come get her.
To ask her if she at least took Ian with her.
But I couldn’t afford to do that. Not for at least two days. And if I was being honest with myself, I could never do it again. I was going to be here for my family. Always. I let myself back into Dr. Hughes’ office and sat down where I had earlier this morning.
Instead of getting anxious waiting to hear back from Penny, or waiting for the news of Liam, I closed my eyes and pictured the beach. That perfect scene that Penny had painted for me earlier. Breathe in. Breathe out. I could picture it so clearly.
***
“Did waiting for me put you to sleep?”
I opened my eyes with a start. Dr. Hughes was standing by his desk.
I shook my head trying to rid myself of my dreams, even though they had been perfect.
It was the first time I’d really been able to picture my life outside the city.
It felt right. Away from the people and chaos and stress.
I shook my head again, having a hard time coming back to reality and the problems that still loomed before me.
“I’m sorry. Yes, I must have fallen asleep. ”
“Nonsense, I’m the one that’s sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Hunter. But I’m glad to see that you’ve found time to get rested up after your flight.”
“It was a short flight,” I said. “It’s just been a long morning.”
He nodded. “Will your wife be joining us?”
“Yeah, she should be here. One second.” I glanced down at my phone.
There was a text from her saying she’d be back soon.
But that was from half an hour ago. I had taken quite a nap.
And I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had napped.
Dr. Young had somehow taken away all my stress. I yawned. “She’ll be here shortly.”
“Great. Should we wait for her or…”
“How were the test results?” I said at the exact same time.
He chuckled.
“Is Liam going to be okay?” I knew I should wait for Penny, but I had been waiting weeks for good news when it came to my son. I wasn’t sure I could wait any longer.
Dr. Hughes smiled as he sat down behind his desk.
“Cutting right to the chase. I like the way you think, Mr. Hunter.” He lifted up a folder and placed it on top of this desk.
“The results were good. Very good actually.” He didn’t open up the folder.
Like he knew the information forward and backward.
Like he had actually taken the time to assess my son’s health.