Third Chances - Chapter 34
Rob
I pushed through the underbrush, not caring about the twigs scratching my shins. Running always made me feel better. I picked up my pace until it felt like I was flying. This was the best feeling in the world.
I needed to stop lying to myself. Running wasn't the best feeling in the world, fucking was. Being inside Daphne was... stop. I needed to stop. If Daphne didn't want me, I didn't fucking want her either. I wasn't going to pine after some girl I had only known a few days.
The problem was, it didn't feel like I had known her only a few days.
I could picture her laying on her blanket with a book in her hand.
If I had known how much she was hurting, I would have talked to her.
I could have helped her. Worrying about someone was one thing.
Losing someone was an entirely different thing.
No one should have to feel that alone. But I hadn't talked to her back then.
Because I was a coward. And maybe I still was a coward, because I liked her and instead of fighting for her I was literally running in the opposite direction.
I wanted to turn around and tell her that I was what she needed. How could she not see that?
I stopped and put my hands on my knees to catch my breath.
She doesn't want you. I closed my eyes. Why did it feel like I couldn't get enough air?
I stood up and kicked a branch that was laying on the path.
"Fuck!" I yelled into the silent air. My curse echoed around me. I was alone. I was always alone.
***
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I moved my arm off my eyes and stared at my brother. "No. I don't." I felt the bottom of the bed sag, even though I had just dismissed him. Why did he always fucking do that? I didn't want to talk to him or anyone else. I rolled off the bed.
"She told me that she lost someone close to her because of an overdose," James said. "Maybe I could talk to her?"
"It was her brother."
James sighed. "I should go talk to her. I understand..."
"What do you understand? What it feels like to lose someone?"
"No, but I know what it feels like to go through.."
"You have no idea what it feels like to go through that! You were on the other side of it. I know what it's like. I was the one that was scared of losing someone. Not the other way around."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't fucking apologize to me."
"But I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"Jesus Christ, James! You don't owe me an apology. I owe you everything. You gave up your whole life so that I could do whatever I wanted. And what have I made for myself?"
"You're happy. That's all that matters."
"I'm not happy."
He frowned. "Then find something that'll make you happy."
"What, traveling? I've been everywhere I want to be.
I'm alone. I'm so sick of being alone. I used to see Daphne studying on the green at the University of New Castle.
She was so beautiful and peaceful and I couldn't talk to her because I knew all I'd do was fuck up her life. Just like I fucked up yours."
"You didn't fuck up my life. I made my own choices."
"To protect me! Do you have any idea how guilty I feel? It's my fault that you're an addict."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You did everything Mom and Dad wanted so that I wouldn't have to take their shit. They thought you were weak for never standing up to them, so they were even harder on you. But I knew the truth. That you didn't do it for them, you did it for me. You were depressed because of me."
"I was depressed because of my own choices! And don't make me out to be a saint, Rob. I was so jealous of you growing up."
"Jealous of me?" I laughed. "Yeah, right."
"There were times where I would have done anything to switch places with you. You got to be a kid. You got to play sports. You got to stay out late. You got to date whoever you wanted."
"Because of you."
"Fine. But I resented you."
I didn't know that. "I resented you too. Because you were the favorite. Nothing I did was ever good enough."
"Seriously? I never thought you cared about that, I thought..."
"Exactly, James. You didn't ask me what I thought. You just did whatever you thought was best for me. You weren't supposed to my father, you were supposed to be my friend."
"You still resent me." He didn't ask it like a question, he said it as a statement.
I didn't know what to say. I did resent him. I was so mad at him for making me feel second best my whole life, but for also making me feel like I ruined his life. It was bullshit.
He stood up. "Why the fuck would you resent me now? Mom and Dad don't even speak to me. I'm an addict."
"I'm just sick of owing you."
"You don't owe me anything. You know that.
We're family. We take care of each other, that's what we do.
That's what we've always done. You don't owe me anything, so why don't you tell me what's really bothering you and stop complaining about the past. You said we aren't kids anymore, so stop acting like one. Grow up."
Fuck you. "I'm jealous of you, okay?! I'm jealous of what you have!" I really am jealous of him.
"What, my job? If you applied yourself..."
"No. I don't give a shit about status. I don't care about that."
He sighed. "This is about Penny, isn't it?"
"No. I'm not in love with your fiancée. I love her. She's wonderful. For you. I'm jealous of what you two have."
"So why are you talking to me instead of Daphne?"
"Because she doesn't want my help. She doesn't need me."
"Penny and I have had our ups and downs. But I kept fighting for her. I'll never stop fighting for her."
"Well, I can't fight for Daphne if she doesn't want me fighting for her."
"Did she tell you that?"
"She said she needed to figure out what she wants on her own."
"I found myself in Penny. She saved me."
"I know that."
"Yeah, but what you didn't know was that Penny didn't need saving. She didn't need me to come into her life and screw everything up. I did it anyway because I needed her. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish. Sometimes you have to take that risk. I like to believe that I make her happy."
"You do. But I don't see how this has anything to do with me and Daphne."
"You're Penny in this situation. Daphne is me." James laughed. "You're basically dating me."
"Ew. Daphne is nothing like you."
"Isn't she though? She needs your help."
"She doesn't need my help. She needs time to get over what happened with her brother. And I don't know if something like that goes away. I don't know what I'd do in her situation."
"I'm not going anywhere."
I hadn't realized it before, but James was right. Part of the reason I was so upset was because the situation made me think about him. It made me think of losing him and I couldn't think about that. I didn't want to lose him.
"And in my experience, love is the only thing that will help mend a soul."
"Mend a soul? Where do you come up with this shit?"
James laughed. "I just mean that it sounds like Daphne might need saving."
"Maybe." I thought about how I found her crying in the mud. I wanted to be there for her, but she didn't want me. She told me she didn't want me. If she had given me anything to hold onto, maybe I'd fight for her. But she hadn't. She just let me walk away.
"The jet leaves in half an hour. I hope you're not on it."
I laughed. "What?"
"You said you didn't need me anymore, which was incredibly rude, by the way."
I laughed. "I still need you, bro. Don't get your panties in a bunch."
"Smart ass." James smiled. "I still need you too, at least, I need you to show up for my rehearsal dinner. You're off best man duties until Friday, though. So, have a good week." He slapped my back and stood up.
"I'm not staying here."
"Penny and I are good. Everything is pretty much set for the wedding. It's smooth sailing from here. I'm just going to be fucking her senseless all week. Really, you should stay."
"Ugh. I'm done with Costa Rica."
"If that's what you want."
I stared at him. "It is what I want. I'm not going to chase some girl who doesn't want anything to do with me." I got up and grabbed one of my shirts off the ground to start packing.
"I think you're making a mistake. Trust me, I'm the king of mistakes."
I shook my head. "You're going to make a great father, James."
He laughed. "Why do you say that?"
"Because you were basically mine." I gave him a big hug and lifted him slightly off his feet. He always hated when I did that and I was surprised to hear him laugh.
"Maybe I'll stick to being your friend now. You're right, you don't need me to protect you anymore." He patted my back. "Now put me down before I knock you out."
I laughed and released him from my embrace.
"You guys are so weird," Mason said. "Almost ready to go?"
"Yes," James said. "I can't wait to see Penny."
"I so badly want to make fun of you, but I'm pretty eager to see Bee too."
"You're both so whipped," Matt said. He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. "Look, Rob, I'm sorry about earlier. I just..."
"Don't mention it. You were right, anyway. I am who I am. Daphne clearly wasn't the girl for me." Even if I thought she could have been. I tried to ignore the look James was giving me. Despite what he thought, he wasn't right about everything."
"I know, right? You need someone who's not so uptight. You know, like Penny."
I laughed. "Yeah." But I didn't want Penny.
I wanted someone who wanted me. I zipped up my suitcase.
And now that I knew what I wanted, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to find.
If Daphne had asked me to stay, I'd be beside her right now.
I'd be showing her what living truly was.
But she hadn't. So I didn't want her either.
Besides, a girl who thought love was built on patience was looking for a different kind of love than I was.
I wanted something terrifying and all consuming not boring. Screw boring.
"Come on." I pulled Matt into a choke hold. "Let's get the fuck out of paradise."