Third Chances - Chapter 35
Daphne
I can do this. It was probably the hundredth time I had chanted those words to myself. But I was still frozen in place.
"Ma'am, the zip lining course is closing for the evening," the instructor said.
I told Rob that I needed to figure out what I wanted on my own. All I knew right now was that I didn't want this. I had never wanted to zip line. Doing this wasn't going to make me happy. So what the hell would?
"Ma'am?"
I shook my head. "Okay," I said quietly.
"You can follow the lighted path back to the resort."
"Thanks." I slowly climbed off the platform.
I knew I looked like a homeless person. I was sweaty, covered in mud, and probably still had sex hair.
I bit my lip. The last thing I needed to do was think of Rob.
I didn't want to picture how defeated he looked.
But he was just projecting on me like I had projected on him.
He didn't even like me. He was just ready to settle down and I was the first girl he had run into.
Well, that's not true. He had run into two other girls yesterday morning with his penis. It was easy to focus on that. Focusing on all the ways that we were different made it seem like I had made the right decision.
When Derek died, it was like a piece of me had disappeared.
I felt cold all the time. My apartment was covered in blankets so that I could easily grab one whenever I felt a chill.
But I hadn't felt cold all weekend. Rob had this warm presence.
Just his smile made me feel overheated. That didn't mean he could fill the emptiness though.
That didn't mean he could fix me. I wouldn't want to put him through that.
But he offered.
I shook my head. I had to do this on my own.
Even though it felt like I needed someone to help me, I didn't. That was just me being weak.
I had to learn to walk alone because I was alone.
I kicked a pebble on the path. The problem was that being alone felt stifling.
It was like suffocating on nothingness. Maybe I needed to go to therapy.
Maybe I needed someone to talk to about everything. So maybe being alone was bad?
Ugh. I wrapped my arms around myself. I liked Rob because he was the opposite of me.
He was charming and carefree and happy. I shook my head.
He had said he wasn't happy. He had said he felt stuck.
That was how I felt. Like I was stuck, and I didn't know how to move forward.
I touched the bracelet that Derek had given me.
I wanted to take it off and throw it. But I couldn't let go.
I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to be alone.
I wrapped my arms even tighter around myself.
Rob hadn't said anything that would make me think he was a liar.
So was he telling the truth when he said he wanted more?
Was he really prepared to give up threesomes and one night stands?
Did he actually want something serious? I knew that he said he did, but actions were different than words.
I was supposed to be thinking about what I wanted from life, but I couldn't get him out of my head.
And the realization was dawning on me that I didn't want to.
I wasn't going to stop thinking about him because he made me feel alive again.
He made me feel whole. He made me feel like everything could be okay again.
I was so wrong earlier. I knew what I wanted. I wanted him. I started to run through the rainforest as fast as I could. Please don't let me be too late. Not again.
***
I banged on Rob's door.
No answer.
"Rob!" I banged on the door again. "Rob, it's Daphne!"
Still no answer.
I waited for another second before getting back onto the elevator. As soon as the doors dinged open, I ran down the hall and opened up the door to my room, completely out of breath. "What time is it?"
"Daphne?" Alina ran over to me and threw her arms around me. "I've been so worried. You've been gone for hours. Where the hell have you been?"
Hours? Shit. "What time is it?" I asked again.
"Almost 7 o'clock."
No. They were leaving around 5. "Do you know if Rob is still here?"
"I thought he was with you. He said he was going to talk to you..."
"Are any of them still here?" I pulled away from Alina's embrace and stared at Layla and Kristen.
Layla shook her head. "I'm pretty sure their jet was leaving at 5 o'clock."
I sat down on the edge of the bed and put my face in my hands. "I'm such an idiot." I was so scared of losing someone that I had willingly let someone go.
"Daphne?" Kristen put her arms around me. "Daphne, what happened?"
"I'm an idiot," I said again.
"Do I need to beat someone up for you? Want me to find James and sexually take advantage of him?"
I laughed. "No." If I had any tears left, I would have started crying. But I was probably dehydrated.
"Momma Bear, tell us what's wrong."
"That's what's wrong!" I pushed Kristen off of me. "I never take any risks. I'm pretty sure I've never not been the designated driver. I don't know how to have fun." I was pacing and I couldn't seem to stop.
Layla tried to hand me a water bottle, but I pushed it away.
"That's not true," Kristen said. "We call you that because you always take care of us. And you're always prepared. We love you for that. You know how to have fun. We always have fun when we're together."
"No I don't! I can't just do whatever I want whenever I want. I need a life of structure and checklists and a set schedule every second or else I think about him!"
"Daphne." Alina's eyes were teary.
"I can't put myself in danger because I'm scared of hurting my parents like Derek hurt them.
" Even though I was dehydrated the tears had started falling down my cheeks again.
"And even before he died, I was always worried about him.
Always. I just wanted to believe he was better. I thought he was better."
Kristen got up and hugged me. I tried to push her off but she was stronger than me.
"It's my fault." I let myself relax into her.
"It's not your fault." I felt Alina's arms wrap around me too. "We were all together that night. We all thought he was okay."
We had been out celebrating before the start of our last semester of college. And Derek had been killing himself. I'd never know if he did it on purpose. I wanted to believe he wouldn't have. But no matter whether it was on purpose or not, it still felt like he left me. "He left me."
"It was an accident."
"You don't know that."
"He loved you, Daphne."
"Then why did he leave me?" I cried even harder.
No one had anything to say, because there was nothing to say.
Kristen and Alina had been friends with Derek too, but it wasn't the same.
They didn't understand how worried I had always been.
They just didn't. I needed to talk to someone who understood.
I needed to talk to Rob. But I hadn't even gotten his phone number. I was never going to see him again.
No. Rob wasn't dead. I could find him. I could apologize. Maybe he'd still want me. There was still a chance. I wanted him.
"I need to go to Newark," I said into Kristen's shoulder.
"What? Why?" Kristen asked.
"I need to find Rob."
"I don't know if you'll be able to catch any flights tonight. It takes awhile to get to the airport."
I wiggled out of Alina and Kristen's hug. "I need to go." I looked around for my suitcase.
"Daphne, calm down for one second," Alina said.
"I made a mistake. I pushed him away because I was upset about Derek.
And there were a lot of red flags. Like, a lot of red flags.
But I don't think any of that matters. I like the way he makes me feel.
I really like him. And I shouldn't have pushed him away when he was trying to help.
He was just trying to understand. I think maybe love is more about passion than patience.
I think he was right. And I miss him. I don't even know him, but I'm upset that he's gone. I don't want to not see him."
"Rob?" Kristen asked.
"Yes, Rob."
Kristen laughed. "Okay, well take a deep breath. How about you just call him and tell him all that?"
"Because I don't have his number."
"Why didn't you ask for his number?"
"I was too busy telling him that we weren't a good fit and pushing him away from me."
"Such a romantic."
"Stop making fun of me." I felt like I wanted to start crying again.
"Oh my God. Daphne, really, you need to calm down. I've never seen you like this. You're acting crazy."
"I can't lose him. I don't want to lose him too."
"I can get his number for you," Layla said. She had been awkwardly standing to the side during our conversation. She had never gotten to meet Derek. She probably thought I was a maniac.
"Really?"
"Yeah, I just texted Mason asking for it. I don't think he can respond while they're flying, but I'm sure he'll text me back when they land. It's going to be okay."
I sighed with relief. "Oh good."
They all just stared at me.
I didn't know what to say. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. Rob would take my call. He had to. And if he didn't, maybe I could try and find him. I could leave the hotel in the morning and hopefully get a flight in the afternoon.
"You had sex with him, didn't you," Kristen said. There was no doubt in her tone.
How did she know? "I...it just kind of happened."
"What about all your rules?! I didn't think you could even do hand stuff until the fourth date?"
"I don't know, I just...I like him. None of that mattered with him. He made me feel like I was living again."
Kristen smiled. "Well, if he doesn't answer your call, I'll be by your side when we break down his door in Newark."
I laughed. "You just want to run into James."
"Maybe a little." She winked at me. "Okay, so let's start from the top. How big was his dick?"
I laughed and put my hands over my face.