Missing Pieces - Chapter 37
Hailey
Wednesday
I searched his face. That wasn't true. He had more than just tonight. He had his whole life. Three years wasn't that long. "I'll wait for you."
He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "I don't want you to."
I knew he was being kind, in his own way. But the words sounded harsh to my ears. Maybe if I was someone else he'd want me to wait. Maybe it was me. I unwound my legs from his waist and unclasped my hands from his neck.
"Hails." His face looked pained. "That came out wrong. I just...I couldn't live with myself if I made you wait."
"You wouldn't be making me wait. I'd be choosing to. And it's not like I wouldn't get to see you for three years. You get leave. We could talk on the phone."
"I can't, Hailey."
"Some girls are married to men who are enlisted. You're blowing this out of proportion. People do this all the time."
"Exactly, Hails. People that are married. They've known each other for a long time. We haven't."
"I know the way you make me feel."
He didn't say anything in response. Which in its own way was the only response I needed. I didn't make him feel the way he made me feel. Or else he'd want to see what we had. It felt like my world was crashing down around me. I swam over to the edge of the pool and hoisted myself out.
I grabbed my shoes and started walking back toward the hotel.
"Hails, wait."
But I was already closing the door behind me.
I was so embarrassed. I ran over to the elevator and hit the button with my fist, trying to ignore the people staring at me and the puddle of water that I was leaving on the ornate marble flooring.
All day had been fun and lighthearted and I had just ruined it.
As soon as the elevator doors opened, I stepped inside.
That had been my last chance to change his mind.
I looked down at the keycard in my hand.
I had no idea why I was running to our hotel room.
It wasn't like that was escaping from him.
He was just going to follow me and I was just going to tell him everything was fine.
But it wasn't. His constant rejection was slowly unraveling me.
Or maybe I was already unraveled. The doors dinged open when the elevator reached my floor.
As soon as I was in my room, I let my back slide down the wall until my butt hit the floor.
And I let myself cry. Really cry. For the first time since I had found out about my dad and the bar.
For the first time since my life as I knew it was over.
I cried because I was terrified. And not just terrified of losing my dad, but terrified of seeing Elena tomorrow.
I was upset with myself for feeling weak.
I was crying because I had fallen in love with a boy who loved someone else.
The thought just made me cry harder. I loved him.
How could I love him after only knowing him for several days?
I shouldn't have felt like this. How had I let myself be this vulnerable?
I heard the door click open, but I didn't look up.
"Hailey?" His voice was gentle as he put his hand on my shoulder.
"Tyler, I get it, okay?" I wiped away my tears without looking at him. "You don't have to say anything."
"I don't think you do."
"No, I definitely do. I'm not worth waiting for. It's pretty simple, really." I pushed his hands off of me and stood up.
"That's not what I said."
"Okay, fine. I'm not as good as her, then."
"Who? Penny? Hails, this has nothing to do with Penny."
"Doesn't it?"
He put his hand under my chin and made me look at him. "It's me, okay? It's nothing you did."
"Just stop. You don't have to feed me some bullshit line, Tyler. If you felt the same way I feel, it wouldn't matter. You make me feel like I can breathe again. You make me laugh. You make me feel like everything is going to be okay. You make me feel safe." God, I'm pathetic.
Again he didn't say anything. And again it made my blood boil.
"God, I'm such an idiot," I said.
"No. No, Hails. I feel it too."
I shook my head.
"You make me feel whole again." He stepped forward, effectively sandwiching me between him and the wall. "You make me feel like there's something worth living for."
I watched his Adam's apple rise and fall.
"You make me feel like I'm not broken. I'm so sick of feeling broken."
"You're not broken, Tyler." I touched the side of his face. "Not to me."
He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss against my lips. I leaned into him. But this was different than our other kisses. There was no haste. It was slow and passionate. And if it was possible, I loved it even more.
"You deserve more than what I can give you," he whispered against my lips. "You deserve so much more."
"I just want you. I only want what you can give me."
He lifted me in his arms and placed me gently on the bed.
His face looked pained. Maybe he didn't feel like he could say how he felt.
But that was okay, because he didn't have to say it.
He wanted to give me the world. I could see it in his eyes.
And I just hoped that I was enough for him.
That I could fill that hole in his heart.
I held my breath as he knelt down in front of me on the bed. He locked eyes with me as he spread my thighs apart and leaned down between them. He kissed the inside of my thigh and made a slow ascent up.
Jesus.
Every other time we had been intimate I had asked him to fuck me. But that wasn't what I wanted in this moment. I wanted all of him. His body, his soul, his heart. He already had mine.
***
My chest felt tight because we hadn't come to any understanding.
He made love to me like it was his last chance.
Not like it was the start of something great, but like it was the end.
I didn't want to face reality. I wanted to live in this dream world that we created.
Where we traveled all over the US and stayed in fancy hotels.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to face whatever came next.
Tyler's arms were wrapped tightly around me and his breathing was deep.
I knew he was asleep. I turned toward him and stared at his perfect face in the darkness.
"I love you," I whispered to him. And I knew he couldn't hear me.
It was probably better that way. But I also knew I'd regret it my whole life if I never told him. "I love you, Tyler Stevens."
My eyes prickled with tears. Today was going to be hard.
First I had to get down on my hands and knees and beg Elena for money that I feared she wouldn't give me.
And then I had to say goodbye to Tyler. Even though my heart was filled with fear at the idea of seeing Elena, I knew the latter would be harder.
Saying goodbye to Tyler was going to break me.
Especially since I didn't understand why I had to.
I didn't understand why his heart wasn't big enough for me, why no one's ever was.
The sun was starting to stream through the windows, casting shadows across Tyler's face.
Maybe I was crazy. I didn't really know Tyler.
I didn't know his dreams and goals. I didn't even know his middle name.
All I knew was his pain. But in my heart, I knew that if this side of him was so wonderful, if he gave me all of him, it would be amazing.
I was in love with this pained version of him because it was a reflection of myself.
And for a brief moment, we had both been so much better, so much happier.
I studied the scruff along his strong jaw line and the slope of his nose.
I tried to memorize every detail. I wanted something to hold on to when I went home.
Something good. Something more hopeful than the fear that resided in my own heart.
And even as I thought it, I felt myself putting my walls back up.
I just hoped it wasn't too late to protect myself from shattering into a million pieces.