Runaway - Chapter 22 #2
Oh. The Caldwells had a pool. They were probably all out back hanging out and relaxing. I remembered seeing the closed pool, looking forward to the summer when it would open.
I made my way back down the front steps and across the lawn.
Even though I’d missed a lot of seasons with Matt, I had dreamt of a lot of them.
All of them. I’d dreamt of our fairytale wedding in the winter.
Lazy spring days when he didn’t have football practice.
And summer fun in his backyard in the pool.
I’d wanted all those things. I’d been looking forward to all of it with him.
I heard another laugh. It was like I was walking back into happiness. And each step I took…I knew it was right. This was the right choice.
I’d made Matt promises for a reason. When I reached the side of the house I started running. I wanted back in his arms. Back in his heart. Back in his life. It felt like I was falling in love all over again.
And I almost did fall when I reached the backyard. I certainly froze.
Because Matt was there. With a girl. They were too close.
She moaned and her fingers tightened on his shoulder.
I ducked behind a bush. No. No, no, no. That wasn’t…they were just…it couldn’t be. I peered out from my hiding spot.
Matt pulled her hair so she’d tilt her head back.
For just a second I thought it was Isabella.
It was like all I could focus on was her dark hair.
Maybe because I couldn’t even believe the rest of what was happening.
I blinked. But the scene in front of me didn’t stop.
Matt didn’t push her away and say he was engaged.
He didn’t stop her at all. Or more accurately…
he didn’t stop himself. Because he was the one initiating this.
He was the one with his hands all over her.
His lips all over someone that wasn’t me.
I watched him kiss her neck. I watched his hands wander to her breasts. I heard her moans. I listened to her beg for more. I listened to him groan.
This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. I blinked. Again. And again. Trying to rid the image from my eyes.
But they just kept going.
“Matt,” she moaned. “Oh, God, yes, Matt!”
He buried his face in her breasts.
I was going to be sick. I remembered when he kissed my neck like that. Touched me like that. Groaned like that when he was inside of me.
I was definitely falling. But not back in love. I was just…falling. And no one was there to catch me when I landed anymore.
I closed my eyes tight. And as their moaning got louder I covered my ears. I felt my body trembling. I heard myself crying. But I wasn’t worried about them hearing me. They were being plenty loud enough.
How could he touch her like that?
Kiss her like that?
Fuck her?
She wasn’t me.
She’s not…me.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat in the dirt crying. But eventually I thought the sounds had stopped. I peered back out from the bush.
The girl was sitting on the edge of the pool now, splashing water at Matt.
Matt was still in the pool, smiling up at her.
And I wasn’t close enough to know for sure.
But I was pretty sure that was a real smile.
And it was real when he kissed her ankle.
And slowly traced his lips up her thigh.
And pulled her back into the water to her screams of protests.
It was all real. The kiss they shared was real.
The pictures my father showed me weren’t fake. And they weren’t even the worst of it.
Which meant…my dad was telling the truth.
All the Untouchables were friends again.
Kennedy and Felix were happy.
And Matt? He really hadn’t said a word at my funeral.
The knife in my chest twisted.
He really had asked for my ring back.
The knife twisted again.
He really had moved on.
The knife tore my heart in two.
It was all true.
All of it.
I sat here staring at him, missing him, hating him, loving him. I never knew I could feel so alone when I wasn’t. But watching Matt with that girl? I’d never felt more alone in my life. Like my solitude was strangling me.
I watched her kiss away his laughter. My replacement.
A better version, really. She wasn’t Isabella.
She looked oddly familiar, but I couldn’t place it.
Maybe she’d gone to Empire High. I had no idea.
All I knew was that she was prettier than me.
And had bigger breasts. Her bathing suit was expensive.
She clearly fit better into his world than I did.
Not that it was a competition. Matt certainly seemed to prefer her.
He thought I was dead.
And he’d moved on. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks.
I wanted to be happy for him. But it was like he’d just forgotten me. Had he ever hurt as much as I did? Did he even care that I was gone?
He’d said things to me that I didn’t think would be easily transferable to someone else. But was anything he said ever true?
Screw him.
Screw his new girlfriend.
I hoped they were happy together. I hoped they had a winter wedding and a honeymoon at the beach.
I hoped they had four kids and spent summers out by the pool.
I hoped they lived happily ever after. My happily ever after.
I felt like it had been stolen from me. Like Matt had stolen my dreams and put in a substitute.
How could he be so okay when I was gone?
How?
Fucking how?
I started choking on my sobs.
Well, fine. He could have my happily ever after with someone new. I didn’t want it anymore. Not with Matt. Not here. I didn’t want any of it.
But…I didn’t move. I just kept staring at him betraying me.
He was supposed to wait for me.
I'd waited for him. I’d wait a lifetime for him.
I’d had temptation and I didn’t give in. He’d given in. Who knew how many times. And despite what he said, he was the liar. Not me. I meant every promise I’d made to him. I meant it. I was here because I loved him. When did he stop loving me?
Was it after the pudding prank?
Was he relieved I was dead?
How could he be? I still fucking loved him.
I wiped the tears off my cheeks.
Good for him. He never had to hurt like I did. He never had to suffer. Because he was Empire High’s golden boy. He got everything he wanted handed to him on a silver platter. And he didn’t want me anymore. Maybe he never did. That’s how it felt. Like he never cared at all.
I heard her start moaning again.
Again? Seriously? They’d just banged. I couldn’t look. I couldn’t listen.
Yes, I’d been torn for the last nine months. But I’d kept Miller at arm’s length. Because I couldn’t move on so easily. My feelings for Matt had been real. I loved him. I loved that boy so much it hurt. It really fucking hurt right now. Like I couldn’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
It had been a while since I’d had a panic attack.
Because Miller made me feel safe.
There was no need to panic when he was by my side.
But now? I had nothing. And no one. I have no one. I’d put all my faith in Matt. All of it. But he was perfectly okay with me being gone. Blissful even. Fucking some random girl in his pool without a care in the world.
I should have walked out of those bushes and fucking slapped him. Confronted him for not keeping his promises to me. But what was the point? There was nothing he could say to fix this. Nothing.
I needed out of this yard. Out of this city.
Matt thought I was dead. And he was happy with that. And even though I was mad at him…I did want him to be happy. Of course I did. Because I still fucking loved him. He was happy without me. So it was better that I stayed dead. It’s what he wanted.
I pushed myself up off the ground. And I ran. I ran away and I didn’t look back. My tears blurred my vision.
I didn’t even know where I was going. I couldn’t think about anything but getting away from him.
He didn’t want me.
He’d moved on.
He thinks you’re dead.
But what did that matter? Based on the pictures my dad showed me, he hadn’t even mourned at all. He was happy I was gone. Blissfully happy with someone new.
I stopped running when I realized I was standing beneath James’ treehouse. I looked both ways to make sure no one was looking and climbed up the ladder. I slowly peeked my head inside to see if it was empty. The coast was clear. So I climbed up the rest of the way.
I curled into a ball and cried.
I cried until my lungs hurt.
And my whole body was exhausted.
I hated that I was mad. It was selfish. I told myself I wanted Matt to be happy. But maybe he was right about me the whole time…I was a liar. Because I was fucking pissed that he was so happy without me.
I hated him.
I loved him.
And I cried because I hated myself. I hated myself for wanting him to be miserable. But if he’d just waited…
Stop.
It didn’t matter. He hadn’t waited. I couldn’t undo what he’d done. And I wasn’t going to mess up his life any more than I had.
I sniffed and sat up. I stared at the photos tacked to the wall.
All the Untouchables smiling and happy.
They were happy again now. My dad had shown me pictures. He’d shown pictures of Kennedy and Felix happy too. Everyone was happier with me gone. Happier that I was dead.
I hadn’t wanted to believe it.
But I did now.
Everyone’s glad you’re dead.
Everyone was better off without me.
I needed to get out of this treehouse before someone saw me. The last thing I needed was to be recognized and make everyone miserable again.
I took a deep breath. Matt doesn’t want you anymore. He doesn’t love you anymore. You need to leave.
But my body didn’t crawl back out of the treehouse. Instead I moved closer to the wall of pictures. I found one of Matt smiling at the camera. He was younger in it. He looked so happy. It was before he met me. Before I messed up his life.
Yeah, I needed to leave. And this time I’d leave it all behind. I’d leave and never come back. Ever again.
It hurt to think of what life would be like without him. But he was already living his life without me. I had to let him go. I had to let him be happy.
I was dead to Matthew Caldwell. I traced my fingertips across the picture of his perfect face. And he was dead to me too.