Runaway - Chapter 23
Monday
I pressed my foot down harder on the gas. But it didn’t matter how fast I drove. I couldn’t get the scene of Matt in the pool out of my head. It just kept playing on repeat.
Who was that girl?
How was I so easily replaced?
I actually felt…dead.
I wanted to be back on the beach screaming at the ocean at the top of my lungs. But I wasn’t at the beach. I’d left that life behind. Just because I’d held on to some stupid hope.
I drove as fast as I could away from Matt. And out of the city that had only ever caused me pain.
My music blared and for a long time I felt numb. Until suddenly I didn’t anymore. I pulled over to the side of the road and screamed at the top of my lungs in my car. And screamed and screamed. Until my voice was hoarse and the tears had dried on my cheeks.
I thought about just abandoning my car and running off into the woods.
I could just run until my legs gave out.
Until I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do this anymore.
It hurt too much. Every time I thought I overcame something, I kept getting knocked back down.
I couldn’t keep doing this. I just wanted to…
What?
I stared at the woods.
Did I want to die? Was that really what I wanted? My body was running on empty right now. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I knew that. And yet the running until I died in the middle of the woods option felt like my best one. Literally running from the pain. Running until I couldn’t run anymore.
Everyone already thought I was dead. I put my head down on the steering wheel and started to cry again. I didn’t want to be dead. I just wanted to stop hurting so much.
It would hurt less the farther away I got from Matt. It would. I had to believe that. I lifted my head and pulled back out onto the highway. I drove farther and farther, waiting for my chest to stop hurting.
Matt and I were over. We’d been over for nine months. What had I been thinking? He was a player. Of course he was going to move on. Maybe he did love me back then. But love was fleeting for some people.
I didn’t even know where I was driving. I just…drove. It was like my body was working without my mind.
And when I pulled into the cemetery, I wasn’t at all surprised this was where it had taken me. I climbed out of the car and walked through the cemetery until I reached my mother’s grave. And then my body gave out. It was like it had gotten me to this point and couldn’t function anymore.
“Mom,” I croaked. My voice was hoarse from screaming and crying. “Mom.” I lay down on top of her grave and somehow managed to cry even more. “Mom, I’m so tired. I don’t know how to keep going.”
She didn’t respond. Of course she didn’t. She was dead. And it wasn’t lost on me that even though she was dead I still loved her fiercely. Whereas when Matt thought I was dead he filled his days with other women.
“I fucked everything up,” I said into the silence. “Everything. I’m just so tired.”
I tried to picture her smile. Her voice. Her laughter.
But every day that passed without her made it harder for me to remember.
“I miss you so much.”
Silence.
“I thought I found a new family.” I thought about how accepting all the Caldwells had been. They’d embraced me like I was one of them. “I thought I had a home again.”
Silence.
“Why didn’t you tell me about my dad? Why didn’t you let me visit Uncle Jim more when I was little? Why did you keep a whole part of your life a secret from me?”
Silence.
“I was stronger than you realized. I could have handled the truth. I needed the truth from you.”
Silence.
I wasn’t sure why, but I was mad at her too.
I was mad at her for leaving me all alone, knowing that the vultures were circling.
Knowing I might wind up with my dad. Knowing I’d have no one.
But I didn’t want to be mad. I just wanted to…
I stared at the grass. I don’t know what I wanted.
A piece of me wished I would actually stop breathing.
That I’d die right here. Everyone else already thought I was dead.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.”
Silence.
“Does it stop hurting? Loving someone and them not choosing you back?”
Silence.
But my mom had lived through this pain. My father had chosen Isabella’s mom instead of mine. My mom had loved him. And she’d spent the rest of her life alone.
Matt chose someone else. And I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life missing someone who wasn’t missing me.
I pulled my knees into my chest. “Matt made missing you easier. He made breathing easier. And I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.”
I pictured Miller waiting for me at his new house. It would be easy to go to him. To tell him I was choosing him. But it would be a lie. This didn’t feel like a choice. This decision wasn’t in my hands.
Maybe I should have confronted Matt. Instead, I’d hid. Why hadn’t I come out? He might have been happy to see me.
But he already looked happy.
I lay here missing Matt. Missing Miller. Missing my mom. “What am I going to do?”
Silence.
I wasn’t even sure why I thought she’d be able to give me good advice here. She had terrible taste in men. My father was the worst.
“Please tell me it stops hurting.” I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to stop hurting. My heart? My head? All I wanted to do was climb in my car and drive to Miller. But it wouldn’t be fair to him. I couldn’t go there unless I knew for sure he was what I wanted. And right now my heart was broken.
I closed my eyes. I thought coming here would make me feel closer to my mom. But it didn’t. She felt…dead. The cold, hard ground felt nothing like a hug from my mother. But I couldn’t move. I didn’t have anywhere to go.
I pictured dancing with her in our yellow kitchen.
I pictured dancing with Matt in our Halloween costumes.
I pictured dancing with Miller on Christmas morning with his silly Santa hat.
I’d had so much love in my life and I’d lost it all.
I was cursed.
But then my mom’s words came back to me. Words I’d heard her say all the time. The best thing I’d ever learned from her. Time is precious. Don’t waste it.
How had I forgotten that? My mom’s life had been cut short. And I refused to waste a second of mine. I’d been wasting mine for nine months, letting myself be held captive. What was I doing?
I exhaled slowly. Or maybe I hadn’t been wasting it at all. Maybe I’d been falling in love with Miller. Slowly going from friends to more. The kind of love that was strong. And lasting. And real.
Honestly it was hard to know what was real at this point.
I just needed some time to myself. Time to grieve my mother’s loss on my own.
And my uncle’s loss. And losing Matt too.
I needed to sort through this mess in my head before I figured out what I truly wanted.
But right now I just wanted to lay here and talk to my mom.
“I have a lot to catch you up on,” I said.
Silence.
“I fell in love with a boy who was way out of my league. And for a little while he loved me too.”