Runaway - Chapter 31
Thursday
“Miller, just tell me your name.” I needed a confession from him stat. Because I was pretty sure we were only a few seconds away from being naked again.
“Miller is my name.”
“You’re being ridiculous. Just tell me.”
He groaned. “Why does it matter?”
“Because I’m dreaming of a future with you. And I always imagined I’d know the first name of the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”
His eyes dropped to my lips. “The rest of your life, huh?”
“If you tell me your name.”
He just kept staring at my lips, like he was daring me to kiss him instead of continuing this discussion.
“It’s important to me. Please.”
He sighed and his eyes met mine again. “Fine. But I can’t undo it once you know. And you might never look at me the same.”
“How could it possibly be that bad?”
He groaned and closed his eyes. And then he squinted at me like he didn’t really want to see my reaction. “It’s…Richard.”
Oh. Oh. “Richard?” Like my dad? I almost laughed because I thought he was kidding. But he wasn’t looking at me like he was kidding around.
“Yeah Richard. As in…the same as your father’s name.”
I laughed. “Yeah I got that. Little Dicky.”
“Fuck, don’t call me that. You’ve seen my dick.”
“Big Dicky?”
“You promised you’d keep calling me Miller,” he said with a laugh.
“I can’t believe your name is Richard. That’s so weird.”
“Whatever, kid.”
“Don’t kid me!” I tickled his side.
“Don’t Little or Big Dicky me!” He flipped me over and retaliated to my tickle attack with what I can only describe as a tickle onslaught.
“Stop! I can’t breathe!” I said through my laughter. “Stop it, Big Dicky!”
He tickled me harder. And right when I was about to protest again he captured my laughter with a kiss.
A kiss like the one we’d shared outside.
Like he was starving for me. It was the weirdest sensation, kissing and laughing.
Like somehow my joy extended into him and his transferred to me.
I couldn’t remember ever feeling this happy. Or this desperate for someone’s touch.
Fuck. How could I go from laughing so hard one minute to being so completely aroused the next? I wrapped my legs around his waist as he deepened the kiss.
“God, Brooklyn.” He put his forehead against mine. “If it wasn’t snowing so hard. And it wasn’t Christmas. I’d be out there buying a huge box of condoms.”
It made me laugh. Thinking about the huge box of condoms my uncle had bought me when he thought I was being promiscuous made me laugh even harder.
I hadn’t been. At the time I hadn’t needed them at all.
But thinking about my uncle gifting me the box made me remember something really important. “Oh my God. I have something for you.”
“Wait you have a condom?”
“No. I wish. But I have a present for you.” I’d left it outside on the front step this whole time. In the middle of a huge snowstorm. There was no way it wasn’t completely ruined. Crap.
Miller didn’t move to let me up.
“Big Dicky, I need to get up.”
He sighed. “Seriously, don’t call me that, kid.”
It was the perfect time to strike a deal with him.
I’d stop calling him Big Dicky or Richard.
And he’d stop calling me kid. But honestly?
I kind of liked when he called me kid. It was weird, I know, but it reminded me of when my uncle called me kiddo.
And I knew it was just something Miller said because he was looking out for me.
Because he loved me. And I’d be sad if he never called me that again.
“Okay. You look a lot more like a Miller. No matter how big your dick is.”
He laughed and climbed off of me. “You’re free.”
“Come with me.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. I figured the box would be in disarray. Frozen. Or melted. Or…something not quite right. I wanted him to see it before I picked it up and it fell apart.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
I grabbed the doorknob and opened the door.
A big gust of wind came into the house, scattering snowflakes everywhere. He pulled me into his chest so I wouldn’t get wet again. There was a foot of snow on his front porch. And the present was nowhere in sight. Shit.
“It’s a freaking blizzard out there,” Miller said and went to close the door.
“Wait. Your present is somewhere under all that snow.”
He looked down at me. “Where?”
“I don’t know,” I said with a laugh. “But I have to find it. I spent pretty much all my money on it and since we’re not using our enormous savings account…I don’t want to waste anything.”
“You’re not going to use the money either?”
“Not if you don’t want to.” I crouched down in front of the door and started moving snow around, searching aimlessly for the box.
“Let me get us some gloves at least,” Miller said. He disappeared from behind me.
Please be okay. I moved more snow out of the way.
I didn’t want to pop back into Miller’s life again empty handed.
And not give him a present two Christmases in a row.
I know he said all he needed was me. But…
I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him.
And I’d spent a lot of time thinking about this gift.
“Here,” Miller said and handed me a pair of gloves.
He knelt down next to me and started searching in the snow too. “Was it to the left or the right…”
I laughed and pulled on the gloves. “I don’t remember. I was panicking because you didn’t answer the door.”
“Why were you panicking?”
“I thought you were…” my voice trailed off.
He stopped searching and looked over at me. “You thought I was what? Taking a dump or something?”
“No,” I said with a laugh. “I thought maybe you were busy with someone new.”
He smiled. “Didn’t even cross my mind.”
I shook my head and kept searching. “Well, I don’t believe that. Surely there’s someone out there that isn’t such a mess.”
“Hey.” He grabbed my hand. “I don’t want someone else. All I’ve been doing is thinking about you. Wondering where you were. If you were safe. If you were happy. Dreaming of you.” He looked back at the snow.
“I dreamed about you too. All the time. It was weird having seen pictures of this house.” I started digging in the snow again. “It was easy to picture you here being happy.”
“I wasn’t happy without you.”
“Me either.” Talking to Miller was so…easy. There was never any second guessing what he said. He just told me the truth. And it was easy to be honest with him. “And you already know that some of my dreams about you were quite sinful,” I said.
He laughed. “Certainly not as sinful as mine.”
I would have been distracted by his comment, but my hands finally collided with something hard.
“Ah! I found it!” I pulled the box out from under the snow.
The silver foil wrapping paper looked fine, maybe just a little frosty.
But the big red bow on top looked a little sad.
I hoped everything wasn’t soaked inside.
“Merry Christmas, Miller.” I handed it to him.
He helped me to my feet as I closed the door. “We should probably change,” he said.
“Nope. Not until you open that before it melts.”
“Before it melts?” He just stared at me. “What is it?”
I pulled off my gloves and rubbed my frozen fingers together. “Just open it.” But he was right, I was cold. And if the frozen box was any indication, everything inside was plenty cold. “We can open it in front of the fire.”
Miller pulled off his wet hoodie as we sat down on the floor right in front of the fireplace.
I sighed as I stared at his abs. I remembered him rolling around in the sand, laughing.
I should have kissed him right then. When we both looked like sugar doughnuts.
All my memories of the beach house were tarnished because of how stubborn I had been.
I’d pushed him away every time he got close.
And I wondered if he thought I’d do that again now.
“You okay?” he asked.
“What? Yeah.” I shook my head. “I was just…you gave me a perfect Christmas last year.”
The corner of his mouth ticked up.
“And I want this to be your perfect Christmas this year.”
“It already has been.”
“Hopefully it’s about to be even better.” I tapped on the top of the box and it felt like mush between my fingers. “Ew, gross. It’s ruined.”
“It’s just a box. Who cares what’s on the outside.”
I smiled. I wasn’t even sure he meant for that to affect me in the way it did.
But I was really happy he cared about what was on the inside.
That he liked me for me. I’d been so torn up about being a Sanders or a Pruitt or a Caldwell.
Thinking about the Caldwell last name felt like a punch in the gut.
I swallowed hard and tried to shove the feeling away.
None of that mattered. I was just a Sanders now.
Miller untied the soggy red bow and somehow managed to get the mush wrapping paper off. He lifted the lid off the box and I could have cried. Because somehow everything inside seemed fine.
He picked up the oversized mugs. Brooklyn and Miller were written on them. Although, if I’d known his name was Richard I totally would have put Little Dicky on his mug. There was also hot chocolate and mini marshmallows. The perfect things for a cold winter night.
There was a picnic blanket and a cooler for spring picnics.
He laughed when he lifted up the bright yellow swim trunks. I knew they were way too loud for him. But I also hoped that he’d laugh just like he had when he saw them. And they reminded me of the time we’d spent at the beach house.
There was also a set of bowls with our names on them too. They were the perfect size for ice cream. Which we’d started sharing last fall. It was the first time we’d really bonded. Over a bowl of ice cream. “Open the cooler,” I said.
He opened the cooler and lifted up the pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
I reached out and was happy it was still frozen.
Although, now that I thought about it that should have been the least of my concerns.
The snow outside was probably just as cold as a freezer.
“I got things for every season. The hot chocolate mugs for winter. The picnic blanket for spring. The swim trunks for summer. And the ice cream bowls for fall.”
He didn’t ask why the ice cream was for fall. He just looked up with a smile on his face. Because he knew.
Memories had a strange way of fading. But it was weird with Miller. Like for some reason all the ones with him were brighter. More clear. Like I was hyper focused on every moment we’d ever shared.
I waited for him to say something…but he didn’t.
“I wanted you to know that I’ve loved every season with you.
And I want to keep spending every season with you.
And I don’t care if we’re in NYC, or the beach, or here.
I mean, I’d prefer to stay here.” He still didn’t say anything, so I kept rambling.
“I think maybe the whole time I actually picked out the perfect place for us. Not just you. But us together. And I want to stay. If you’ll have me. ”
He looked back down at the ice cream container in his hand.
“I know I hurt you. And I can’t really explain away what I did.
All I can say is that I was broken. But…
I took that time away to heal. And I know what I want.
I want you and only you. And I know that we’re hiding out from my dad.
But I don’t think this place will feel like a cage.
I think everywhere I am with you just feels like… home.”
He still didn’t say anything.
“I know I said I’d rather be in a cage with you than anywhere without you.
But…I think I had it all wrong. My mind has been so twisted about my feelings of the beach house.
I loved being there with you. I had some of the best days of my life there.
And I think I was trying to convince myself that I was sick in the head for thinking that.
How could I possibly be happy locked up?
But I wasn’t locked up. I had my best friend there with me. ”
He cleared his throat. “You want some ice cream?” He stood up.
What? “Miller.” I stood up and grabbed his hand. “I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong? I…” my voice trailed off when I saw that there were tears welling in his eyes.
I’d seen him this emotional once before. When I told him I was choosing Matt the first time. I swallowed hard. “Miller?”
He exhaled slowly. “Do you really want to stay? You want to use all these things with me? You want to live here even though you can’t use your real name outside these walls?”
“Of course. All that matters is that we’re together.”
“You already broke me once, Brooklyn.”
I blinked away the tears in my eyes. “I know. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to undo what I’ve done. But…I’m here. I’m choosing you.”
“I want to believe you. I really do. But if you stay and then decide that Matt is…”
“Matt and I are over.” The words were final.
And I felt them. Matt was happy. I deserved to be happy too.
“I’m not going to walk away from us. I promise.
” I was good at keeping my promises. A lot better than Matt was.
And I wouldn’t break this one. As soon as I’d jumped in Miller’s arms outside this morning, it felt like my heart had started beating again.
Yes, Matt used to make me feel alive. Before he was happy that I was dead.
But now? Miller made me feel everything.
“I promise,” I said again. I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed him.
“Don’t break me again,” he said against my lips.
I wouldn’t. I knew how easily hearts could break. And I’d never do that again. “Nunca.” I kissed him again. “I love you.”
And when he kissed me instead of saying it back…I realized that he hadn’t said it yet. He had back at the beach house. He’d told me he loved me. He’d asked me to choose him. And I hadn’t.
I loved him. I knew that now. I’d given my heart time to heal. I’d taken the time I needed. But maybe he needed more time.
That was okay. I wasn’t going anywhere.