Homecoming - Chapter 6
Sunday
Brooklyn
The sun streaming through the blinds lit up my son’s peaceful face. He rarely looked this peaceful when he was awake these days. His cute little smiles had turned to frowns over the past couple weeks.
We were both broken.
But it was my job to be strong for him. I lightly ran my fingers through his hair. My sweet boy. What are we going to do now?
I’d been so focused on growing my family.
I never in a million years thought it would shrink.
I’d taken time for granted. And I hated myself for it.
Every morning I woke up since Miller died, my heart was filled with regret.
I just wanted to go back. Hold Miller tighter.
Kiss him longer. Tell him how much I loved him more often.
A tear trailed down the side of my face and onto my pillow.
“Don’t cry, Mommy.”
I hadn’t realized Jacob had opened his sleepy eyes.
He reached up and touch the tear on my cheek. “Daddy doesn’t like when you cry.”
Present tense. Present tense was slowly killing me. “I know. I’ll stop, okay?”
He nodded and snuggled into my chest. I held him tight and kissed the top of his head. I would never take a second for granted with my son. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Mommy.”
I’d come to New York for one reason and one reason only. And I’d failed. Jacob and I should have already been over the border by now. Far away from this hellish city.
I didn’t trust my dad. I couldn’t possibly.
But…what if…
The words floated around in my head.
But what if he hadn’t killed Miller?
What if he really had been waiting for me to come home to him?
What if he really did care that he had a grandchild?
What if he did love me in his own twisted way?
What if he was actually telling me the truth about all of it?
He said he’d already gotten justice. Not that murdering someone was justice for Miller’s life. I pressed my lips together. I’d thought killing my father would be justice though.
I kissed the top of Jacob’s head again and yawned.
I hadn’t slept a wink, even though I was exhausted.
I just kept reliving that conversation with my dad.
Over and over on an endless loop. I wish he had a tell when he was lying.
If there was just a way for me to know. But I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to know if he was telling the truth.
And I doubted Poppy would actually help.
I didn’t know her. And I definitely didn’t know any of her tells.
I was supposed to meet up with her and my father in a couple hours.
My father had texted me about it. Which made me feel sick to my stomach.
He’d had my number this whole time. He’d known everything this whole freaking time. He’d been watching. Waiting.
I felt…exposed. Miller and I had been living in this happy little bubble. I had no idea it was more of a snow globe. Someone controlling everything from the outside. Just waiting to throw it on the ground and shatter it into a million tiny pieces.
Jacob’s breath evened out as he fell back asleep, snuggled against me.
And I couldn’t help but think about all the previous times he’d snuggled up to me just like this.
The only difference was that Miller had always been across from me in bed.
If I closed my eyes it was almost like I could reach out and touch him.
Almost . My fingers came up empty and the knife in my chest twisted.
If my dad had just stayed away…
If I hadn’t used that “untraceable” card he’d given me…
If I’d been brave enough to ask someone else for help.
Someone with resources that could actually make me disappear.
I pictured that day when I drove back to NYC 15 years ago.
I’d gone to Matt. I thought he’d be happy to see me.
That he’d keep me safe. Because he loved me. Because he promised me forever.
Thinking about it made me feel sick to my stomach. I knew the kind of guy Matthew freaking Caldwell was. I knew better than to give him my heart. I knew better than to ever believe he was waiting for me.
I should have gone to James and Rob’s house. They would have helped me. Their father seemed almost as bad as mine. And he certainly had the resources to make someone disappear for good.
Instead, I did it on my own. We’d been sitting ducks, just waiting for my father to come ruin us.
I’d felt it. The first time I’d seen someone in the woods. I’d felt it and Miller hadn’t listened… I made myself stop my train of thought. There was no way in hell I’d put any blame on my husband. He’d tried to keep us safe. He’d kept us safe for so many years. There was no way for us to know.
But if I’d convinced him to move…
I wanted to scream. And throw things.
Miller had promised me I wasn’t bad luck. He’d promised me.
So why did everyone I love die? My mom. My uncle. Matt might as well have died. I looked down at my son and saw Miller’s nose. If Jacob was awake, I’d see Miller’s eyes staring back at me too. I was bad luck. It was my fault that Miller was dead.
Mine.
I should have never gone to that lake house. I should have stayed on the west coast and drowned. Miller would still be alive if I’d stayed away.
I was selfish.
I’d put him in danger.
It’s all my fault.
It felt like the whole world was caving in on me. I couldn’t breathe.
Fuck.
It felt like someone was standing on my chest. I can’t breathe.
I closed my eyes and tried to picture something happy. But all I could see was Miller’s face. I untangled myself from Jacob’s embrace as I gasped for breath. I fell forward off the couch, my hands landing hard on the threadbare carpet.
“Hey,” Kennedy said and grabbed my shoulders.
“No,” I gasped. “I can’t…”
Kennedy held my hand. “Breathe, okay? Look at me.”
I stared into her eyes.
“You’re safe here. Breathe in and out.”
She said the words again, slower this time. I tried to listen. She said them even slower. I exhaled slowly, a sob escaping my throat.
I started crying harder as my breath caught up to me. I put my head on her shoulder. “I can’t live without him.”
“Without who?” She ran her hand up and down my back.
“You didn’t read the letter?” Kennedy had never been great at following rules. I kind of just figured she would have read it immediately.
“No.”
I lifted my head from her shoulder. I didn’t have the strength to tell her everything. But it was in the letter. “You can read it now.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded.
She stood up and pulled me to my feet. She guided me over to the little table in the kitchen and put a kettle on the stove. “It’s going to be okay, you know.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Whatever’s going on…we’re going to fix it together.”
God I’d missed her. I nodded, even though it wasn’t possible to fix all of it.
She let go of my hand and picked up the unopened envelope on the table. I just stared at her as she slowly opened it and unfolded the paper inside.
Her eyes started going back and forth. But she paused almost immediately and closed her eyes.
“If I had any idea you were still out there…” She squeezed her eyes tighter and then opened them.
“Matt didn’t believe it, you know. He hired several PI’s to track you down.
But every one of them came up empty. Until there was no other option but what we thought was the truth. ..”
“Don’t,” I said, cutting her off. Why did everyone keep bringing up Matt? I wasn’t here for him. I could so easily picture Matt sitting right here at this table with us. His face permanently frozen in my mind at 16. I swallowed hard.
“But I feel like you should know that,” Kennedy said. “That Matt really tried.”
I didn’t know what to say. Why would a man who asked for the engagement ring back and said nothing at my funeral try to track me down?
Just to make sure I wouldn’t show up again and ruin his life?
“Okay,” I said. Her words made me feel sick to my stomach.
But they didn’t change anything. Matt and I had been done for years.
I hadn’t mentioned anything about Matt in my letter to her and Mrs. Alcaraz.
There was a reason for that. I just wanted the past to stay in the past. Matt breaking my heart all those years ago wasn’t important.
It was done. I knew stepping foot in this city would bring the memories pouring back.
That was why I didn’t plan on staying long.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m not trying to push you. But…why didn’t you come back?”
I took a deep breath. “Keep reading.”
“I should have known your father would do something like this. Kidnap you and keep you hostage.” She shook her head and started reading again.
After a couple minutes she looked up at me. “You got married.” It didn’t really come out as a question, but there was no judgement in her voice.
I thought there might be. She knew everything I’d promised Matt. And yet…she didn’t make me feel guilty. I nodded as my eyes filled with tears too.
“I remember him. That nice bodyguard. He always made you feel safe.” She smiled. “I could tell how much he loved you, even back then. You could see it in his eyes.”
God, she was going to make me cry. “Keep reading.”
She smiled harder as she read about Jacob. I’d left a few instructions in the note. About not making him wear a shirt all the time. And letting him watch football on Sundays. I needed to make sure Jacob never forgot his father. Football would keep them close. It would make him remember.
But Kennedy’s smile quickly fell. And a tear ran down her cheek. “Oh, Brooklyn.” Her eyes kept scanning the page. “No.” She kept shaking her head and more tears fell.
I wished it wasn’t true. God, I’d do anything to change it.
“Your father did this to Miller?”
I’d wanted to make sure I explained why I did what I did last night. There was just one problem…I hadn’t done it. “I don’t even know anymore.”