Homecoming - Chapter 9 #2
Nigel pulled a pair of glasses out of the front pocket of his lederhosen and handed them to Tanner.
Tanner’s hand disappeared behind the high back of the chair again.
“Tanner?”
He ignored me. I looked over at Nigel.
Nigel started whistling and looked up at the ceiling. What were they doing? I waited another minute, hoping they’d naturally stop being weird. But of course that didn’t happen.
I took a step forward to see what was up, but Tanner poked his head out from the side of the chair to look at me. “Kennedy Alcaraz? With a Z at the end of her last name, right?”
“Mhm.”
“You’re sure it’s not an S? Or maybe there’s two Ls in there?”
“It’s A-L-C-A-R-A-Z.” I spelled it out for him and he just stared at me.
“Really?” he asked.
“Really.”
“No tildes or accent marks anywhere?”
“No.” Why was he suddenly so interested in the spelling of Kennedy’s last name?
“You’re 100% positive?”
“I’ve seen it spelled, yeah.”
“Got it.” He disappeared behind his chair again.
Seriously, what the hell was he doing behind that chair?
He whispered something at Nigel and Nigel looked very happy.
“Tanner?” I asked.
“He needs a minute,” Nigel said. “Would you like me to draw you a bath while you wait?”
“No, I don’t want a bath. I want to know what Tanner is doing.”
“I can’t confirm or deny what he’s doing,” Nigel said. He started whistling again.
“Tanner,” I said firmly. “What the hell?” I walked up to the chair and tried to peer around it.
But Tanner spun it so I couldn’t see.
I moved again and he spun his chair again, blocking me.
I tried to run around the chair, but he was faster. “Tanner!”
Tanner spun back around to finally face me. “I’m sorry, man,” he said. He looked very serious all of a sudden.
“Oh.” I knew what this was about. “Did Rob also tell you Kennedy dumped me last night? Because I don’t really see it that way. She just needs some time to get used to this. I’ll win her back.”
“Oh, she already dumped you? Well, that’s grand. Now you don’t have to dump her. Phew. Case closed. Class dismissed. Finito.”
“Um…what?”
“I was so worried to tell you…that’s why I just quadruple checked. You and Kennedy aren’t a good match, I was wrong. My bad.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m very sorry that I brought her back into your life, but it’s a no go. Abort mission.”
I just stared at him.
“You’re a bad match,” he said. “You should just stay friends.”
“But I love her,” I said.
“Nah.” Tanner shook his head. “You don’t.”
“How the hell do you know?”
Tanner lifted up his hands. “Don’t shoot the messenger, man. I’m just telling you what I know.”
“How would you know if we’re a bad match or not?”
“I mean, it’s not that you’re a bad match per se. It’s more that you’re not a perfect match. It’s not true love. We’ll keep looking.”
“I don’t want to keep looking. I’m going to propose to her.”
“No, you’re not,” Tanner said.
“Yes I am.”
“You can’t!” Nigel said. “You can’t do it if it’s not true love! You won’t be happy! Kennedy isn’t the love of your life. If she was Tanner would know it!”
“And let me guess, Nigel…you’re the love of my life?”
Nigel’s cheeks turned red. “You really think so?”
“Nigel, stop it,” Tanner said.
Nigel kept staring at me.
“Cut it out,” Tanner hissed when Nigel didn’t stop.
“Yes, Master Tanner,” Nigel said and winked at me.
For the love of God. “I don’t know what the two of you are up to, but it’s not funny.
” Sure, James and Penny thought proposing was a bad idea.
Same with Rob and Mason. But only because it was too soon.
They weren’t making up shit about true love like I was an idiot.
“I’m proposing to her,” I said more firmly.
Tanner winced.
“Seriously, what the fuck, Tanner? You’re supposed to be happy for me.”
“I am happy for you to…be a good boy and not propose to Kennedy.”
“Stop it,” I said.
“You stop it.”
“You’re both being rude. I just told you I loved her. Why the fuck would you tell me we’re a bad match?”
Tanner nodded. “I know this news is hard to take. I’m trying to be delicate here.”
Was he really? Because I’m pretty sure he was acting like a complete asshole.
“You threw me off when you said she already dumped you. It made my delivery of the news all wrong.” He cleared his throat. “Let’s start over.” He rubbed his hands together. “I’ve got it.” He leaned forward in his chair. “Do you trust me, Matt?”
“Only some of the time.”
He laughed. “Good eye.”
What?
“I know for a fact that Kennedy Alcaraz with one L and a Z at the end with no tildes or accent marks is not the true love of your life.”
I just stared at him.
“I thought she would be. I pushed you together for a reason. But I know now that I was wrong. I’m wrong sometimes. Not often. But I can admit when I am. I do sincerely apologize.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it again. This was still coming off very rude. And I had no idea what to say to him. Also…what the fuck was he talking about? How could he know any of this for a fact?
“I know you’re probably a little hesitant to trust me with your love life again.
But I was close on this. Very close.” He shook his head.
“I think I must have just been a hair off really. So give me a few days to find your actual perfect match. I was close with Kennedy. It’s just not quite perfect. ”
I just stared at him.
“Two days,” he said. “That’s all I’m asking. Give me two days to find you someone more suitable.”
“I thought you liked Kennedy.”
“I did but I just checked my…um…thingamajig.” He coughed. “And now I know otherwise. I said I was sorry. But facts are facts.”
His thingamajig? “Were you just masturbating behind your chair, Tanner?” And why did his dick have anything to do with Kennedy and I being a good couple?
“What? Behind this chair? No. It’s leather, my boy. It wouldn’t stand up.” He patted the seat of it. “Besides, I would never do that out here. That would be extremely dangerous.”
Nigel nodded.
“Um…yeah. I’m sure your trouser snake isn’t that big.”
Nigel laughed. “Sorry,” he said and cleared his throat. “I like that term. Trouser snake. That means penis, yes? Trouser snake.” He smiled.
“My trouser snake is very big,” Tanner said, ignoring Nigel’s question. “But that wasn’t what I meant. Anyway…true love. Round two. I’ve got it this time, I’m sure of it. I should get to work.” He clapped his hands together and stood up.
“Tanner?”
“Yeah?” he said.
“I thought you’d be happy for me.” For all his talk about being my best friend over Rob…he wasn’t acting like it. He was acting like a complete ass.
“Why would I be happy for you for choosing a lifetime of unhappiness with Kennedy? Sure, your life would be perfectly adequate with her. But nothing special.”
“That’s a really shitty thing to say.”
“Is it?” Nigel asked. “Which part? Did he get a language thing wrong? Ha!” He pointed to Tanner.
“You do it too! You’re bad like I was bad with the fax machine!
People don’t use those anymore, Tanner. People no longer like automatically getting messages in their hand for some reason. Times change, huh?”
“Nigel,” Tanner said. “Shut your whore mouth.”
Nigel nodded.
I had no idea what was happening. But I was really pissed at both of them. “I’m going to my room.”
“Good idea. Just stay in there for a few days until I find someone new. It shouldn’t take long. And again, I really apologize for bringing Kennedy back in your life. Thank goodness you came to me before you popped the question. That would have been a disaster.”
I shook my head and pushed past him. All my friends sucked today.