Homecoming - Chapter 20
Wednesday
Brooklyn
And he wasn’t showing anything in his expression.
Penny had told us she’d leave us alone to catch up. But now as I stood here, staring at James, waiting for him to say something, I really wished she was here. I could use one of her hugs right now.
“Your father is a liar,” James finally said and stood up. “You already knew that. And you should have known better.”
“I should have known better? You married Isabella. After everything she did to me, how could you…”
“I was a fucking mess, Brooklyn! You knew me back then. You knew I didn’t have control over my life or my choices. And then I…then I lost you.”
I swallowed hard.
He shook his head. “Losing you made everything a thousand times worse.”
“But…I saw the pictures. The four of you were so happy…”
“Matt was not happy. He was fucking broken. He was barely holding on. He was worse than me. And trust me, I can’t even imagine what that was like. Because I was drowning every day. And you can’t sit there and judge me for making shit decisions when you made one too.”
“I made the right choice. I loved Miller. I’ll always love him.”
His eyes softened.
“He gave me 15 years of happiness.” I shook my head. “More than that, really. I fell in love with him at the beach house. Even though I’d tried to stop it. I loved him for 16 years. And yes, maybe I should feel a little guilty. But I literally saw Matt’s dick in someone else, so I’d call it even.”
“That’s not fair, Brooklyn. He thought you were dead.”
“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I tried to convince myself he still cared? But I was already so broken…” I stood up.
“We were too!” He ran his fingers through is hair and sighed. “We were broken too,” he said more calmly.
“I never meant to hurt anyone.”
“But you did. You made choices acting like you meant nothing to all of us. And I don’t know how you could possibly think that’s true. It’s like you didn’t think of any of us at all. And we never stopped thinking about you.”
I tried to blink away the tears in my eyes. I couldn’t stand here and tell him I never stopped thinking about him either. Because I had stopped. I’d forced myself to stop.
He shook his head. Like he was disappointed in me. But that wasn’t fair. Because I was disappointed in his choices too.
I was done with this conversation. I’d told James everything.
All of it. I hadn’t left a word out. He’d listened, just like Penny had asked him to.
But he didn’t understand. And I didn’t think I could make him understand.
He hadn’t been there. He didn’t know how isolated I was at that beach house.
How the only thing keeping me going was knowing Matt was missing me too.
How badly I was relying on that one fact.
And it wasn’t true. I’d seen it with my own eyes.
“You need to go see Matt,” James said.
Just the thought made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.
I picked up my cup of tea that Penny had brought in and walked over to one of the pictures on the living room wall.
It was from James’ wedding. James and Penny were wrapped up in each other.
And the rest of the Untouchables were smiling in the picture.
Rob. Mason. Matt. I stared at the smile on his face.
How could James say he wasn’t happy? He looked plenty happy to me.
“I stayed away because I thought everyone was happier that I was gone,” I said. “My father made sure I thought that.”
“I wasn’t happier you were gone, Brooklyn.” James walked up next to me. “None of us were.”
I looked up at him. “Kennedy said that Matt hired a PI because he didn’t believe I was dead. Is that true?”
“Yes. He tried to find you. He tried to find you for years. I think there’s a part of him that still believes you’re alive.”
“I’m having a really hard time believing that’s true.
” I stared back at Matt’s smiling face in the picture.
I told myself I stayed away because they were all happy.
But it was only half true. I stayed away because I was happy too.
And I refused to feel guilty for that. I refused to feel guilty for loving Miller.
For breaking my promises to Matt. I used to tell myself that he broke his promises first. That helped ease the pain.
And it was true, despite what James said.
“He still loves you,” James said.
I shook my head. “He’s engaged to Poppy and dating Kennedy. I don’t think there’s room for anyone else.” I laughed but it came out forced.
“He’s not engaged to Poppy. And he’s only pretending to be with her because she threatened Scarlett.”
I looked up at him. “What?” Kennedy had said that Matt was stuck in some kind of situation with Poppy.
“He’s doing it to protect my daughter.”
I just assumed it was something like what happened in high school.
But he was doing it to protect Scarlett?
How the hell did he get into that mess? I exhaled slowly.
Did it really matter what the reason was?
Maybe it really was different. I mean…in high school he’d always claimed he’d been trying to protect James.
But that was nonsense. This, on the other hand, appeared to be legit.
“Matt’s a good man. Yes, we were all dumb kids. Yes, we all made mistakes. But you’re alive. And you can fix it.”
“Fix what?”
“Matt.”
I shook my head.
“Brooklyn, Kennedy is the first person he’s ever dated since you.”
I shook my head. “That can’t possibly be true.”
“I’m not saying he hasn’t slept with anyone else. You know that from that summer. But it was just sex. You knew what he was like before you met him. He slept around. But he didn’t love any of those girls. He never went out with any of them. He’s always loved you.”
“James, I really appreciate you sticking up for him. And I’m so happy you’re all friends again. But…” my voice trailed off. “Too much has happened. Too much time has passed. I told Kennedy she could date him. And I meant it.”
He shook his head. “I don’t even know if Matt’s capable of loving anyone else. He puts on a brave face, but he’s…he’s never been the same.”
People’s hearts were bigger than they realized.
I knew that better than anyone else. “I think Kennedy and Matt could be really happy together.” For some reason my bottom lip was trembling.
I clenched my jaw to make it stop. And when that didn’t work, I took another sip of tea and hoped that James couldn’t tell.
I didn’t know why it was happening. I meant what I said.
I hoped Kennedy and Matt would be happy together.
“Kennedy is wonderful,” Penny said.
I turned to see her leaning against the doorjamb. “But I don’t think…I just…” her voice trailed off. “God, this is all my fault.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry, I was trying really hard not to eavesdrop.
” She walked into the room. “But there’s a lot you missed out on, Brooklyn.
Matt was so torn up about losing you, he made all of his friends promise to never even mention your name.
I only found out about you several days ago by accident.
Matt never wanted me to know because he didn’t want me to look at him like he was broken.
” There were tears in her eyes. “And when he told me all about you, it was clear as day he still loves you. But I told him that you’d be upset with him for spending his whole life miserable, missing you.
I encouraged him to go after Kennedy. It’s my fault. ”
James walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her. “It’s not your fault, baby.”
“Yes it is. He waited for you for 16 years. Seriously, Brooklyn. He waited. He kept his promises to you. And he would have kept waiting if I hadn’t told him you’d want him to live his life.”
I pressed my lips together. Penny had given him the perfect advice. Matt should have known what I’d want for him. He knew how I felt about wasting time. So why had he wasted so much? He was supposed to be happy. I’d thought he was happy.
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “It’s mine.” I turned back to the pictures. “And his.” I wanted to think it was mostly his. I’d told myself that for years. But what if I really did have all the information wrong? Despite what I’d seen?
I blinked back my tears as I walked over to the next picture. And there she was. The woman Matt had been banging in his pool 15 years ago.
I didn’t even realize my teacup had fallen out of my hands until it smashed into a million tiny pieces on the floor.
“Are you okay?” Penny asked as she rushed over.
“Who is that?” I pointed toward the woman with dark hair in the picture.
Matt’s arm was slung around her shoulders.
It was from James and Penny’s wedding day.
And the woman was clearly one of Penny’s bridesmaids.
They were friends? I felt my heart pounding in my chest. Was Matt dating her too?
James had just told me that Kennedy was the first woman that Matt had dated since me.
It certainly looked like he was dating this woman.
“That’s James’ sister. Jen.”
That’s why she looked so familiar that day. She had the same dark eyes as her brother. The same sharp features.
“Do you know her?” Penny asked.
I looked over at James. “That’s who Matt was having sex with. In the pool.”
James groaned. “Ugh, please don’t tell me that.”
“You didn’t know?”
“No, I knew they hooked up a few times. But I didn’t ask for details.”
Just a few times. Why was I relieved? My stomach twisted into knots. I wasn’t allowed to be relieved. I wanted him to be happy. I did. Matt was allowed to date whoever he wanted. But my stomach just kept twisting.
“An emotionless brick wall,” Penny said.
“What?” I asked.
“Jen said it was like having sex with an emotionless brick wall.”
“Seriously, guys, stop,” James said.
But a small part of me wanted Penny to keep going. So having sex with Matt was like having sex with an emotionless brick wall? That was definitely not how I remembered it.
“It’s because he was still in love with you,” Penny said. “He wasn’t giving his heart to anyone else.”
I nodded. I wasn’t even sure why I was so emotional right now. It just suddenly felt like my whole life was a lie. There was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away.
There were tears in Penny’s eyes. James reached out for her and she wrapped her arms around him.
I hadn’t meant to upset anyone. This was why I’d stayed gone. Part of the reason. A fear that I’d upset everyone. But I’d also been terrified that no one would care at all.
“This sandwich is top notch, Ellen,” said a voice from the kitchen.
No, not just any voice. Oh my God.
Rob appeared in the doorway eating a PB&J sandwich. “This really hits the spot. Hey guys, what’s up?” He popped the rest of the sandwich in his mouth. “Shit, Penny, are you okay?” He finally followed her gaze and his eyes landed on me.
He didn’t look as shocked as James did. A huge smile instantly spread across his face. “Sanders? Is that you?”
I smiled. God, I’d missed the way he said my name. I nodded. I couldn’t help the tears that leaked down my cheeks.
“Sanders!” He ran over to me and lifted me into his arms. He twirled me around and I couldn’t help but laugh.
He finally set me down on my feet.
“I can’t believe it.” He looked back over at James and Penny. “Matt’s going to freak. I was just with him for lunch. He almost came over. Wait.” He looked back at me. “Sanders, what the fuck? How are you here? How are you? What the hell is even happening?”
Just then Jacob ran into the room followed quickly by Scarlett to chase the ball they’d just kicked in. And they were both butt naked.
Oh no.
“Well that’s new,” James said with a laugh.
“Who’s that?” Rob asked.
“My son. Jacob.”
“Damn. I mean, sorry. Shoot.” He leaned down to give Jacob a high five. “What’s up my man with the big dick energy?”
“Rob,” Penny said.
“Sorry. I’m trying to work it into my vocabulary more because it makes Daphne laugh.”
But Jacob high fived him instead of hiding.
“Okay, let me go find his clothes,” I said. “I’m sorry, he really hates clothing.”
“Totally understand,” Rob said. “I do too. It’s fine, they can run around naked. Cause I need to be caught up real quick. Ellen!” he yelled. “We need more sandwiches!”
I laughed.
“I really missed you, Sanders.” He hooked his arm around my shoulders. “I’m telling you, everyone was a mess without you.”
“Including you?”
“I mean…someone had to make these guys laugh.”
I smiled at him. For that, I’d always be grateful. “I missed you, Rob.”
“I know. So how are we planning on breaking this news to Matt? Because I only just had to stop keeping all the old stories about you a secret from my wife. And I’m not doing this whole thing again.” They all turned to me.
“I’m going to tell him.”
“When?” Rob asked.
“Soon…ish?”
He raised his eyebrows at me.
“I will, I promise.”
“I’m not keeping this secret either,” James said. “I won’t. I know you’ve been through hell, but so has he.”
“I’m going to tell him, guys.”
They all nodded as Jacob and Scarlett continued streaking through the room.
“Okay, let’s play ball,” Rob said and tore his shirt off. “You next, Brooklyn.”
“Rob,” Penny said. “Excuse him…he…”
“Is an endless flirt? Yeah, I know,” I said with a laugh.
“Ah, no running there,” James said and lifted Scarlett up into his arms before she had a chance to run barefoot over the broken glass.
Rob started kicking the ball back and forth with Jacob and Liam woke up and started crying.
It was pure and utter chaos. And for the first time since I’d come back to New York, I truly felt a semblance of home. Of family.
These guys had been my family.
I thought that feeling would fade. But it hadn’t at all.
And that scared me.
Because what if my feelings for Matt hadn’t faded either? It was easy to see him in pictures. It was harder to hear stories of him over the years. And I couldn’t imagine how I’d react when I finally saw him face to face.
“Heads up, Sanders!” Rob yelled and kicked the ball in my direction.
So much had changed, and yet it was somehow completely the same. The main difference was that I was no longer a Sanders, despite Rob’s nickname for me. I was a Miller. And I’d always be a Miller.