Homecoming - Chapter 26
Thursday
Brooklyn
When I saw the pile of boxes in the living room I started to panic. I didn’t want anything to change. It needed to stay exactly the same. “Tanner?”
He walked into the room carrying another box. “Yes?”
“I changed my mind. I don’t want to move anything. I just…”
“You want it to look exactly the same. I figured. I get it.”
Does he? Because it looked like he was packing everything up. “Then what are all these boxes?”
“I only packed up Jacob’s things like he requested,” Tanner said and patted my son on the head. “And some necessities for you.”
But there were so many boxes. I peered around a stack of boxes and saw that the living room had been left completely untouched. And then I opened the lid of the box closest to me. It was filled to the brim with all my lingerie. I slammed it closed and stared at Tanner.
He shrugged. “You never know.”
No, I did know. I wouldn’t be needing any of that. I pushed it aside. “But what are all the other boxes?”
“Most of what’s out here was just some stuff that was boxed up already. Some old things, I think. They were in the back room.”
Oh. It was mostly stuff from high school. Stuff I hadn’t look at in ages. “I don’t need any of that either.”
“You never know,” he said again.
Jacob opened one of his boxes and pulled out a toy truck. He started zooming it across the floor.
“There is one more thing I arranged,” Tanner said. “I met with Miller’s lawyer and…”
“Miller didn’t have a lawyer.”
Tanner lifted an envelope off one of the boxes. “He did.”
When had he met with a lawyer?
“He left you everything. No fine print or anything. It’s all yours.”
I nodded. “Okay.” I stared at the envelope he was holding. “So…what is that?”
“He wrote you something. It was with the will.” He handed me the envelope. “How about I play with Jacob and you can read it somewhere in private?” He didn’t wait for a response. He turned to my son. “Trucks? Don’t you have a limo in that box?”
Jacob laughed. “No. But you can use this truck if you want, Abuelo Tanner.” He handed the truck he was playing with to Tanner. And then he went to the box to grab another.
“Abuelo?” Tanner asked.
“Yessie,” Jacob said and sat down. “You’re Mommy’s family. So you’re my abuelo. Or my…aunt? Like Aunt Kennedy?”
Tanner laughed.
“Jacob,” I said. “Tanner isn’t…”
“No, it’s okay,” Tanner said. “Abuelo Tanner works for me.” He pulled off his hat and put it on Jacob’s head. “I don’t mind. I’m an old soul.”
The hat slid down over Jacob’s eyes. He pushed it back up. “I’m not allowed to talk to my other abuelo. Mommy won’t let me.”
“Why do you want to talk to him?” Tanner asked.
Jacob shrugged, just like he did when I asked that same question. And then the two of them started to play.
For a second I just stood there and watched them.
It was such a normal moment in our house. Jacob playing and laughing. But it all felt foreign to me.
I never got to say goodbye to Miller. I never got to tell him one last time how much I loved him. How grateful I was for him being patient with me. For giving me the life I always dreamed of. For loving me when I was a mess.
And I had a feeling that this was a goodbye from him.
I didn’t want to read it.
I didn’t want to say goodbye.
I just wanted to close my eyes and for this all to be a terrible nightmare.
But I wasn’t waking up.
I wandered down the hall and opened up our bedroom door. The sheets were still pushed down from when we’d scrambled out of bed. We’d been running late. I hadn’t been thinking about anything but work.
How I wished I would have just laughed and slept the day away wrapped up in Miller’s arms. I’d do everything differently. I’d never let him go.
I sat down on the edge of the bed and opened up the envelope. It was only two pages. How could a goodbye be so short?
And my eyes started tearing up at the very first line.
Hey Kid,
I always meant what I said. That I’d never leave you. But I know that if you’re reading this, something has happened to me. And I’m so sorry that I’m not there with you right now. If I could change it, you know I would. You know I’d be there to wipe away your tears.
And I’m going to clear up something real fast. Because I know what you’re thinking. Brooklyn Miller, you are not bad luck. Whatever happened, it wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me? Can you hear my voice? You are not bad luck.
How could you possibly be when you gave me the best years of my life? You were my good luck charm.
I know you’re probably rethinking everything right now. Our time apart all those years ago. You turning down my proposal. I wish you could see me laughing as I write this. Because all those little hiccups brought us here. And I wouldn’t have changed a second of it. Not a second.
Look at the life we built together. You gave me the best gift I could possibly ask for. You loved a guy like me back. You gave me the family I always dreamed of. You chose me back.
Please wipe your tears away. Please stop rethinking all of it. Because every second of it was perfect. And I want you to remember it just like that. The way it always was.
I’ll always love you. And I know you loved me too. I know that. Don’t ever doubt that. I knew.
But you have to do what your mom told you.
You have to keep living. I’ve given this a lot of thought.
And I need you to hear me say this. I know there was someone before me.
I know you still think about him sometimes.
I just want you to be happy. And safe. And I want the same for Jacob.
This isn’t easy for me to say, but I need you to know that I’m okay if you choose him now.
Because I never want you to stop smiling.
But I’m so grateful you chose me all those years ago. I owe everything to you, Brooklyn.
If you think he could help raise our son. I believe you. I’ve always believed in you.
You’re so smart.
You’re so brave.
And you’re stronger than you realize.
And you’re going to keep going. For me. For our son.
Because Jacob’s going to need you. Can you hug him for me?
Tell him I’ll never stop loving him. Please make sure he knows that.
Don’t ever stop dancing with him in the kitchen.
Or playing football on Sundays. Keep doing the things that made all of us so happy.
And when you miss me, just look up at the stars. Because we were always written in them.
Yes, we promised each other forever. But we both know forevers are sometimes cut short.
So you need to forget about all those promises.
The only thing I want you to do is keep living.
Embrace life. Be happy. Be so blissfully happy every day that you have.
Don’t waste another second of your time on this earth.
Will you promise me that? Do this one last thing for me?
Keep living, kid.
Love always,
-Miller
I could barely see the words on the page I was crying so hard. He knew everything that had been going through my head.
How badly I wanted to do things differently. How I wished I hadn’t wasted so much time. He knew me. He knew what would be eating me up.
And he didn’t want me to be sad. I tried to wipe my tears away, but they wouldn’t stop falling.
I didn’t want this to be goodbye. I didn’t want to move on. I didn’t want him to want me to. I wanted to love him forever.
I would always love Miller.
I didn’t want another man to raise our son.
I’d do it alone. And that didn’t mean I wasn’t living. Jacob was all I needed. It was us against the world now.
I started crying harder. I hated that Matt was a part of Miller’s goodbye note.
I hated that he still plagued my relationship after all these years.
And I felt guilty that Miller had to think about that when he was writing this note.
I looked back down at his words. I know you loved me too.
I know that. Don’t ever doubt that. I knew.
I lay down on the bed and curled in a ball. He knew. He said he knew. I closed my eyes and breathed in his smell from the sheets. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to keep going. Why did he have to ask me to promise him the hardest thing?
“Brooklyn,” Tanner said gently.
I slowly opened my eyes as he crouched down next to the bed.
“Is there anything I can get you? Anything at all. Just say the words.”
“I want him back.”
Tanner grabbed my hand. “If I could, I would.”
I tried to wipe away the rest of my tears. “Then I want one of his sweatshirts.”
“I can do that.” Tanner walked over to Miller’s dresser. He opened up a few drawers until he found what he was looking for. “Here you go.” He handed it to me and I pulled it on.
For some reason, I felt a little stronger wearing it. Like Miller’s strength had transferred to me.
“I know this is hard, Brooklyn. But if you smile…eventually it’ll become a real one. Trust me.”
I nodded and gave him what I figured was a pretty pathetic smile. “Does it ever stop hurting?”
He sat down on the bed next to me. “The pain gets less. I’ll let you know if it ever goes away completely.”
“Is your smile fake? Because you smile a lot.”
He laughed, but it sounded sad. “Some days I don’t even know anymore.”
I put my head on his shoulder.
We both sat in silence, listening to Jacob making vroom noises with his toy trucks in the distance.
“Can I ask what the letter said?” Tanner finally asked, breaking the silence.
“Everything he thought I’d need to hear. He wants me to keep living my life.”
“He’s a smart man. I have the exact same philosophy.”
I lifted my head off Tanner’s shoulder. “It was actually mine. I lost my mom when I was young. And then my uncle shortly after. Miller knew how precious time was to me.”
Tanner nodded. “I always knew we’d get along.”
“Always?” I sniffled and then gave him a smile. “We just met, Tanner.”
“Right. Of course. But same friends and all that. It make sense that we’d get along.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” I sighed and wiped my cheeks, but they were finally dry. “It’s probably getting late. We should head back.”
“Is there anything else you want to grab?”
I nodded. “A few things.”
“Take your time, okay?”
But I didn’t want to stay in this room. It was too painful.
And I already knew what I wanted. A few more of Miller’s sweatshirts so I could fall asleep pretending his arms were around me.
The bowls and mugs with Miller’s name on them.
I wanted Jacob to have them. And I wanted the pictures from our mantel.
The one of me and my mom. The one next to it of Miller, Jacob, and I covered in mud after a particularly rainy football game.
The one Miller and I had shot on our spur of the moment wedding, the snowflakes falling all around us.
And the one of Miller holding Jacob after he was first born.
I was used to walking past these pictures every day. And no matter where Jacob and I ended up…I was going to continue to walk by these same pictures every day for the rest of my life.