Exposed - Chapter 10
Saturday
Brooklyn
I’d run out of reasons to hate Matt. And that was how I’d gotten over him the first time. By hating him. And I wasn’t sure what was left without that hate.
He said he loved me. He held me while I cried. Just like he always had.
But…I loved someone else. I’d always love someone else. I’d never be ready to move on. Matt was supposed to be happy without me. He wasn’t supposed to waste time. And I wasn’t strong enough to carry his grief from the past 16 years. I was barely standing.
And now I didn’t hear Matt’s voice in my head calling me a liar. I heard him now: “Are you just torturing me? Because you’ve done enough of that for the past 16 years.”
I’d never meant to hurt him. Matt said he loved me. But I was pretty sure he hated me too. Like I used to hate him.
I opened up my front door and was greeted by the sound of laughter. My frown immediately turned to a smile as Jacob ran up to me.
“Mommy, Mommy! Abuelo has a castle!”
“A castle, huh?” I picked him up, waiting for him to point to one made out of Lego or something. “Where?”
“He lives in one!”
Tanner walked over and laughed. “It’s just an apartment. A penthouse. The little man is confused.”
“But…” Jacob scrunched his mouth to the side as he stared up at Tanner. “But I saw it, Abuelo.”
“It’s a big apartment,” Tanner said with a wink. “Shall we head to bed, Young Jacob?”
“Noooo.”
“It’s late, sweet boy,” I said.
“Noooooo.”
I peppered his face in kisses until he laughed. And his laughter quickly turned to a yawn. He rested his head against my shoulder. “I’ll be right back,” I whispered to Tanner.
Jacob yawned again as I laid him down in his bed. I pulled his covers up and was just about to tiptoe out of the room when he opened his eyes again.
“I saaaaw it,” he said. “Abuelo lives in a castle.”
“I believe you.” I believed that a penthouse apartment could certainly be decorated like a castle.
The apartments in New York looked one way on the outside but could be completely different on the inside.
Felix’s place and my father’s looked the same on the outside.
But they couldn’t be more different on the inside.
Jacob nodded and closed his eyes again.
I leaned down and kissed his forehead. I waited until his light snores started before I tiptoed out and closed the door behind me.
Tanner was waiting downstairs with a roaring fire and a glass of wine for me again.
“I feel like I’m going to need to see this castley apartment of yours,” I said.
He smiled. “Brooklyn, are you propositioning yourself to me?”
I almost spit out my wine.
“I only jest. I know you’re in love with my best friend.”
I knew he was going to want to talk about this. But I didn’t really know what to say. I couldn’t love Matt. I couldn’t because I still loved Miller.
“Please tell me that the two of you talked?”
“We did.” I took another big sip of wine.
“So he knows about Jacob? How did he seem when you told him? Was he upset? I kind of thought the both of you might come back here together. Did he say where he was going?” He checked his phone like he was expecting Matt to be calling him.
“I didn’t get to mention Jacob. Matt knows I went to the lake house to be with Miller.
But he cut off my story. He just wanted to know why I was back.
He knows I married Miller. And that Miller…
died. But that’s it. I didn’t get to mention my father’s possible involvement in Miller’s death.
And Matt doesn’t know about anything else in between. But he…he won’t…”
Tanner reached out and grabbed my hand.
“He’s never going to forgive me, Tanner. He was mad enough about me getting married. He doesn’t want to hear about any of it. And those years with Miller are all I want to think about.”
“I know.”
“Matt says he still loves me.”
“He does.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so. I think he hates me. And even if he says he doesn’t, how could he not?”
“Do you feel like he should hate you?”
I sniffed. “Yeah. I’d hate me. If I had just stayed and talked to him after I escaped from my father…” I let my voice trail off. I refused to think about that.
“You feel guilty for the happiness you had with Miller,” he said. It wasn’t a question. He said it like he knew it was true.
I shook my head. “I don’t…I…I don’t regret anything. Except for hurting Matt. I never meant to hurt him.”
“Then I don’t understand why you look so sad. You said it yourself…he still loves you. If he loves you, he forgives you. It’s time to move on from the past.”
“It’s not that simple, Tanner.”
“Well, when are you seeing him next?”
“Tomorrow… Wait. How did you even know that Matt and I spoke tonight?”
“Besides the dried tears on your cheeks? I told him to go to you.”
The way he said ‘go to you’ made me smile. “So you planned the homecoming float thing. And then pressured him to come speak to me at my grave? It sounds like you’re more invested in this than he is.”
“Your grave?”
“Yeah. I was visiting my uncle and Matt showed up.”
“I didn’t tell him to go to your grave. I told him to call you.”
“Oh.” I pressed my lips together. I hadn’t had time to think about why Matt had shown up. But there was nothing more enlightening than that. “He prefers the dead me over the alive me.”
“No. He just doesn’t know the new you yet.
You need to give him a chance. And honestly?
It sounds like the only thing holding you back is yourself.
Whether you want to call it guilt or not.
Guilt for what you did all those years ago.
Or the guilt you feel for wanting to love again. Of betraying what you had with Miller.”
I found myself nodding. I did feel guilty. Maybe a little for being so happy while Matt had been so sad. And definitely for even thinking about a future with Matt, when my heart was still with Miller.
“I’ll give you the same advice Miller did. The same advice your mom gave you. Don’t waste time, Brooklyn.”
I heard Miller’s voice in my head: “Don’t waste another second of your time on this earth. Will you promise me that? Do this one last thing for me?”
“I know everything feels hopeless right now,” Tanner said. “I know you’re hurting. But I’m sitting here telling you that you can have happiness again. With Matt. Because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that Matt still loves you.”
Matt had told me he loved me several times. That he never stopped loving me.
I could have said it back. But Tanner was right, guilt had wrapped around my chest. I thought I had stopped loving Matt. I’d tried to stop. I’d fallen in love with someone else.
But even if I had stopped, it didn’t change how I felt now. I loved Matthew Caldwell. I did. Part of me wished it wasn’t true. But the other part? The bigger one? I felt hopeful.
That maybe my life wasn’t over.
Because it had felt over.
“You love him right?” Tanner asked.
I nodded. “I’m worried that I never stopped.” I wiped the stupid tears off my cheeks.
“Then go to him .”
I laughed. “It’s late, Tanner.”
He grabbed a tissue and handed it to me. “Brooklyn, it’s never too late.”
I got what he was saying. But it was literally almost midnight. “I think he needs some time to process everything I told him. I’ll text him tomorrow.”
“He goes to James’ house every Sunday for the game. You need to talk to him before then or someone else might tell him about your son.”
I nodded. “I’ll tell him.” I sighed. “He’s going to be mad at you for not telling him I was alive. He’s going to be mad at all his friends. God, and Kennedy…”
“It’s okay. I have it all under control.”
“How?”
“You told me yourself that Kennedy used to like Felix. I’m going to get them together. And Matt’s already forgiven me.” He waved his hand through the air like his meddling wasn’t chaotic. “He’ll forgive his other lesser friends too.”
I laughed. “Other lesser friends?”
“So, you agree? Splendid. I really should go check on the lad, though. He’s going to be a little upset. But I’ll remind him that he can’t be mad at you for getting married. Because he’s publicly engaged to Poppy. And he almost proposed to Kennedy. Could you imagine how awful that would have been?”
I’d forgotten all about Poppy. But I was a little stuck on that other tid bit of information. “He almost proposed to Kennedy?”
Tanner cringed. “You didn’t know that?”
“No. I didn’t.”
“Well, no reason to be upset over could-have-beens. I prevented that from happening. Just pretend I never said anything…”
“I need to call her.”
“No, put that away.” He slapped the cellphone out of my hand. “Stop feeling guilty for loving Matt. Just…stop it right now,” he said, like he was reprimanding Jacob instead of me.
I laughed. “I can’t just turn off the way I feel.”
He put his hands on my shoulders and stared at me. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes?”
“You sound uncertain. Say it with gumption.”
I laughed. “Tanner, I do trust you. But you gotta stop it with the big surprises. Matt and I just need time.” I realized the irony of my words. I didn’t want to waste time.
Tanner raised his eyebrow at me. He seemed to realize the irony too. “You love him. He’s already your fiancé. End of story.”
“He’s not my fiancé anymore, Tanner.”
“So you want him to propose again? Okay, I’ll make it happen.” He stood up like he was going to go make it happen right now.
“Tanner. I don’t want you to interfere anymore. If Matt wants to propose, he should. If Matt wants to come talk to me, he should. I don’t want you to force him into anything.”
“I’m not forcing him. I’m opening his eyes. Like I’m opening your eyes.”
“Can’t we just keep everything we talk about between us?” I asked.
“But…I like fixing things.”
I wanted to tell him I wasn’t something that needed to be fixed. But it was a lie. My heart hurt all the time. I wanted it to heal.
“So I’m not allowed to tell Matt that you’re still in love with him?”
“No,” I said. “That should come from me, don’t you think? When I’m ready. Which doesn’t necessarily mean tomorrow. Or the next day. I need…” my voice trailed off. I didn’t want to say I needed time again. What the hell was I doing?
Tanner sighed. “Very well. I’ll give you two days then. I should be off. Matt is probably fretting.”
When I said not tomorrow or the next day, I wasn’t saying two days. But I’d talk to him about that later. “Tanner?”
“Yes?”
“Could you maybe watch Jacob tomorrow morning while I talk to Matt? Jacob really likes you and Mrs. Alcaraz is working…”
“Of course, Brooklyn. And if you’re worried about breaking the news to Matt, you shouldn’t be. He’s great with kids. You should see him with his other lesser friends’ children.”
I’d heard the way Scarlett talked about Matt.
He was a great uncle. I’d always thought he’d be a good father too.
But that wasn’t why I was worried. “I made promises to him. All my firsts. He knows I married someone else, and he’s upset.
I don’t know how he’ll react when I tell him that I had a child too.
” And that I was pretty sure I couldn’t have any more children.
But I didn’t say that last part. Because I wasn’t entirely sure Tanner would keep our conversations just between us.
“I think Matt’s wanted a family with you ever since he met you. In whatever shape that takes. And Jacob is part you. How could he not love him?”
I felt tears in my eyes again. I hoped Tanner was right. Because I felt something else in my stomach besides the twisting guilt. I felt hope.