Exposed - Chapter 16
Sunday
Brooklyn
I remembered fake smiling back in California. I remembered truly believing that happiness was just a bonus in life. Not a necessity.
I never wanted to fake smile again.
And being back in New York City was nothing like the beach in California. But this house did feel like it was taking away some of my pain. Like maybe my time here would give me clarity like my time in California did. I let my feelings for Matt fade there. And my feelings for Miller grow.
I didn’t want Miller to fade away. I wouldn’t let him. I wanted to remember our time forever. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t let my feelings for Matt grow.
I looked down at my phone. I wanted to text him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for mentioning how much I loved Miller a thousand times.
But Matt had said some terrible things too.
I placed my phone down on the kitchen counter.
I told Matt I was sorry for hurting him.
I apologized. And yeah, I yelled at him about sleeping with half of New York.
But what he’d said to me was worse. Stockholm syndrome?
Really? He was discounting half my life.
He was diminishing everything I’d built.
And yes, Miller had worked for my father.
But he gave it up. Jacob’s father wasn’t a mobster.
Miller was a wonderful person. Everyone was allowed a clean slate.
That included Matt though. I drummed my fingers along the granite as I stared at my phone. The real problem was that I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to repair 16 years of damage. I wasn’t even sure it was possible.
And I’d already baked cupcakes and two dozen cookies that we didn’t need as I processed all this. And cleaned the whole kitchen. I would have distracted my pestering thoughts by playing with Jacob, but he was taking a nap. There was someone else I needed to talk to though.
I grabbed my phone and hit Kennedy’s name before I could chicken out.
It rang, and rang, and rang. Just when I thought it would got to voicemail she picked up.
“Hey, Brooklyn! Please tell me the two of you are back together.”
I thought she’d sound…upset. She had every right to be mad at Matt. And definitely every right to be mad at me. I’d specifically told her I was okay with them dating. Why did she sound so not upset? “Um…no.”
“What do you mean no?”
“I mean…it’s complicated. I was married. I have a son. He’s angry with me. Just like you should be angry with me.”
“I’m not mad at you,” Kennedy said. “You should be mad at me. I…”
“Kennedy, I told you it was fine that you dated Matt. And I tried to be fine with it. I thought I was fine. But when I saw him at the game. And then that song came on? It felt…it felt…”
“Like maybe you never got over him?”
“Yeah. That.”
“Yeah,” she said. Her cheery tone was gone. And I realized it had probably been over the top for my benefit. But I didn’t want to sugarcoat anything. She didn’t need to pretend around me.
We were both quiet.
“Are you still in love with him?” I asked.
Kennedy sighed. “I think I had it all backwards. I love Matt. I’ve always loved him like a friend.
And I was missing you…” her voice trailed off.
“We hung out a lot after you died. We kind of held each other together, if that makes any sense. And I think maybe I mixed up loving him as a friend and loving him as more than a friend.”
“Or maybe you didn’t.”
“No, I definitely did. He’s my friend. He’s supposed to come to me when he’s missing you. And I’m supposed to steal all his fries. That’s how we work. Besides, I don’t really think I was meant to be anyone’s girlfriend. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not the most social person.” She laughed.
But I didn’t think it was funny. It felt like she was shrinking away from me again.
Just like she had in high school after Cupcake took advantage of her.
My heart hurt just thinking about it. I didn’t want her to disappear on herself.
“I don’t think that’s true, Kennedy. I think you choose not to let many people into your life.
Because most people haven’t earned your trust. But the people you do let in? You love them fiercely.”
“Maybe.”
“Definitely. But just because you love me doesn’t mean you can’t be mad at me. And you can’t be scared to be mad at me just because the last time that happened I disappeared. You can yell at me. Curse at me. Tell me I’m a terrible friend. Because I am.”
“You’re not.”
“Yes I am. But I didn’t mean to be. I really thought I was over him.”
“I’m the bad friend. Because I know you said you were over him.
But I know you. And I knew you weren’t, even if you thought you were.
And I tried to stay away from him, but I kissed him a few times since you were back.
I wore his freaking jersey to the homecoming game.
And I knew, Brooklyn. I knew you’d eventually want him back.
I just…I…” her voice trailed off. “He made me feel…”
“I know. He has a way of doing that.”
Kennedy sighed. “Matthew freaking Caldwell. What on earth was I thinking?”
I laughed. “I’ve had that exact same thought.”
We were both quiet again. And I didn’t know what to say. Kennedy was hurting, but I couldn’t make it better. Because I wasn’t willing to give Matt up. Because I really did still love him.
“I tried to fight my feelings,” I said. “For so many years I told myself I didn’t love him anymore. But it took me all of two seconds of seeing his face to make me realize I was just pretending.”
“So why aren’t you two together right now?”
“Because every time we talk we fight.”
“You guys always fought a lot,” Kennedy said. “But you also always made up.”
Matt had said that too. That we fought and then we made up. That we always had. Until I’d decided to walk away. And I’d just walked away from him again.
“Look,” Kennedy said. “I’m on my last container of ice cream. And I didn’t eat three pints over the past 24 hours feeling sorry for myself just for the two of you to not wind up together. I’ve sacrificed my stomach. I’m committed to your happily ever after.”
“I’m committed to yours too.”
“Well, despite what you and Tanner think, I don’t need that.”
“Tanner?”
“Yeah, he keeps texting me, trying to get me to go on a date.”
I smiled. “Kennedy, that’s wonderful! Tanner is such a great guy.
I think the two of you would make a great couple.
” And the best part was that I loved Tanner too.
And apparently he was Matt’s best friend now.
We could go on double dates. I pressed my lips together.
It was weird how I just pictured that so easily.
Like Matt and I were already back together.
Kennedy laughed. “He’s not trying to get me to go on a date with him. He wants me to meet up with Felix.”
“Oh.” I smiled. “Well, perfect. I see that too.”
“Really?”
“Of course really. Felix always liked you.”
“I don’t know…”
“Why don’t you go on the date and just see if you still have feelings for him?”
“Did I not just tell you I ate three pints of ice cream in 24 hours? I’m not exactly ready to go on a date right now. And Felix? Really? If that was going to happen, it would have in high school.”
“It sounds like maybe you were busy being Matt’s shoulder to cry on. Thank you for that by the way. For taking care of him.”
“I knew it’s what you would have wanted. God, it’s so weird talking about you like you were dead. Or maybe it’s weird talking to you like you’re alive? All of it’s just so weird. And this whole situation with Matt is weird. I’m really sorry I dated your fiancé.”
“He wasn’t my fiancé anymore.”
“Yeah but…he kind of was. We spent most of our time talking about you. You’re what we had in common. You’re the only thing we had in common, really. It was just nice having someone to talk to.”
I got that. Miller had been my shoulder to cry on when I thought about Matt. He was my sounding board. And that had brought us closer somehow too. I knew that Matt and Kennedy had more in common than just reminiscing about me. But honestly, I didn’t want to hear about it.
Tanner was right. I hated the idea of Matt with someone else. I needed to put myself in his shoes. He was allowed to be upset about Miller. I did understand.
“Promise me you’ll figure this thing out with Matt,” Kennedy said.
“If you promise to go on that date with Felix.”
Kennedy groaned. “Maybe.”
That was probably the best I could do with Matt too. Because honestly? I wasn’t sure I’d forgive myself in this situation. “It’s a maybe for me too.”
“He still loves you,” Kennedy said. “I know that for sure. He was a mess when I came back to New York. The first time we hung out one on one it was because I gave him a key to your old apartment. And he didn’t want to be alone because it hurt too much.
All we did was talk about you. And missing you.
And all our regrets. The love he has for you is so big.
There are no two people in this world that I think are more deserving of happiness.
It’s you and him. And you’re meant to be together. ”
I wiped the tears off my cheeks. “Thanks, Kennedy.”
“I gotta go. I have a few photo shoots today. But maybe I can come see your new place sometime this week? My mom keeps going on and on about how beautiful it is.”
“Yeah, that would be great.” I exhaled slowly. We were okay. I was so worried that she’d be angry with me too. “Go kick ass and take some amazing photos.”
“Go make up with Matt.”
I laughed.
“Love you,” she said.
“Love you too.” I hung up and smiled. Kennedy didn’t hate me. I already felt a little lighter. And I was pretty sure that Kennedy and Tanner were both right. Matt and I were meant to be together.
But maybe not right this second. Because I was still hurt about what he said to me about Miller.
He even had the audacity to imply that Miller was still working for my father.
I could try to stop talking about Miller as much in front of Matt.
But Matt also needed to accept the fact that I had loved Miller.
Or else I wasn’t sure how we could move forward.
I wandered upstairs and changed into a pair of old leggings and a sweatshirt. And then I went out back and looked at my tomato plants. I still needed to look at outdoor space heaters for them.
And not for lack of trying, I hadn’t figured out how to hang up the lights back here. I needed to hire someone. I didn’t just have a Miller-sized hole in my heart. I had a Miller-sized hole in my life.
I crouched down in front of one of the planters. I’d also gotten some flower seeds to plant. I didn’t care that it was the wrong season. I felt better when my hands were in the dirt.