Forever - Chapter 21
Tuesday
Matt
“Rob, you’re late,” I said as he strolled onto the field a half hour after practice ended.
Nigel shook his head. “A proper best man must be on time if not early.”
Nigel had a great point.
Rob pulled up his sleeve to look at his empty wrist. “How ‘bout that? I forgot my watch.”
I was pretty sure I’d only ever seen him wear a watch once. “Do you even own a watch?”
“Of course I do,” Rob said. “I have a whole collection. I blame James for this. He should have texted me.”
James lifted his hands. “How is you being late my fault? We both knew the time.”
“Was that the last part of the best man competition?” Mason asked. “Because Rob definitely failed. And I was here first.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Rob said. “You’re acting like I’d be late on the day of the wedding. I would never do that. Daphne wouldn’t allow it.”
That was true. Daphne would make sure Rob showed up on time. But this technically was part of the best man competition. And Rob had definitely failed. “You’re a half hour late, man.”
“But I won Capture the Princess last night. And you know my bachelor party idea is the best. Oh and…I’m your fucking best friend.”
Tanner laughed.
“Don’t you laugh at me, you secret Christmas elf!”
“Young Robert.” Tanner shook his head. “It’s very hard to take you seriously when you’re saying such silly things. An elf? Really? Green isn’t my color. And I’m taller than you. I could hardly be categorized as one of the big man’s little helpers.”
“Well, maybe your dick is little.”
Tanner laughed. “No. But yours probably is.”
“Speaking of our private members, I have an idea!” Nigel yelled.
We all turned to him.
A smile slowly spread across his face. “Let’s have a dick measuring contest to determine who wins the best man competition.”
“What does that have to do with being a good best man?” I asked. This wasn’t a dick measuring contest. It was a best man competition. Why did everyone keep suggesting such weird things for this? I had a whole plan.
“It has everything to do with it,” Nigel said.
That was not an answer. He just wanted a reason to whip out his giant monster dong. “Keep it in your pants, man. Okay, where was I? I invited the five of you here today because…”
“Wait,” Rob said. “Nigel is right. The best man has to have big dick energy. Let’s do it.” He grabbed the front of his belt.
“Rob, stop it. We’re in the middle of a high school football stadium.” And he did not want to have this contest with Nigel. Because Rob would 100% lose. I’d seen what Nigel was packing on my kitchen counter. And I never wanted to see it again.
“But this will settle everything. Right guys?” Rob looked over at Mason and James.
“If you want to finally realize you have the smallest dick, fine by me,” Mason said.
What did my friends not understand about being at a high school right now? We were going to get arrested. And no one was going to beat Nigel. We were all perfectly well-endowed. But Nigel’s dick was made for a freaking elephant.
“So we’re doing it?” Nigel asked. “Good. Biggest dick wins. Agreed?” He turned to Tanner. “You’re in, right?”
“What the hell, Nigel,” Tanner said. “You know it’s too dangerous for me to participate in this.”
What on earth does that mean?
“I’m sure your dick isn’t so big that it’s dangerous,” Rob said with a laugh.
Tanner ignored him, folded his arms across his chest, and glared at Nigel.
“I have to ensure that I’ll win,” Nigel said. “I’m sorry, Master Tanner, but I have to fight dirty. It’s the only way I know how to fight.” He started to lower his pants.
“Don’t you dare drop your pants on this field, Nigel,” I said.
He inched them a little lower as he stared at me dead in the eyes.
“Anyone who whips out their dick is kicked out of the best man competition.”
“But…” Nigel started.
“No buts. Zip it up.”
He sighed and zipped his pants back up.
I cleared my throat. “Now, where was I?” This afternoon wasn’t going according to plan at all. I blew my whistle and Tanner’s animal guy wheeled out a covered cage.
“Hi, Claude,” Tanner said. “Matt, I didn’t know Claude was your animal guy too. Good choice. He is the best. But what does being a best man have to do with animals?”
I’d gotten Claude’s information from Nigel. But I’d actually had Nigel organize all of this. Which also made his random dick measuring contest idea not make any sense. He knew what I was going to ask everyone to do already.
“It’s what the animal symbolizes,” I said. “The most important part of being a best man is holding on to a valuable item.” I stared at all of them.
James raised his eyebrows. “Are you talking about the ring right now?” He glanced warily at the covered cage.
“Yes. You have to protect the ring at all costs.” Brooklyn was probably right. I was having way too much fun with this. Especially since I already knew who I was going to ask.
Something clanged against the inside of the cage and Rob jumped.
“What are you about to make us do?” Rob asked.
“Take care of something valuable,” I said. “And what’s more valuable than a living thing?” I nodded at Claude.
He pulled the cover off the cage.
There were five monkeys jumping around inside. One of them threw a banana peel out of the cage and it almost hit Mason in the face.
“Sorry,” Rob said. “What exactly are you about to make us do?” he asked again.
“You have to take care of your monkey for the rest of the day. Whoever takes care of it best will win this last part of the best man competition.”
“You’re serious?” Rob asked. “You know I’ve never had a pet, man.”
“You’ll be fine.”
Rob shuddered.
“Sounds good,” Tanner said. He walked over to the cage, took out a monkey, and placed it on his shoulder.
The monkey reached out to touch Tanner’s hair, but Tanner snapped his fingers, and the monkey put his hand back down.
Huh. Weird. I didn’t know Tanner was so good with animals.
“This is nothing like a ring,” Rob said and picked up one of the monkeys. “But if I can handle two kids, I can surely handle a monkey.”
The monkey immediately put its hands on Rob’s right pec.
“Why is it so handsy?”
I shrugged. “Maybe it’s a skin-on-skin thing?”
“I’m not getting naked with my monkey.”
Nigel grabbed a monkey too. “Who’s a good little simian?” He rubbed him under the chin.
Like always, I didn’t know what Nigel was talking about.
James walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “You do already know who you’re choosing, right?” he asked, so no one near the cage could hear.
I laughed. “Yup.”
He smiled. “Then I’m going to sit this one out. I’m not risking giving anyone in my family some kind of weird monkey disease. Even if Scarlett would love having a monkey in the house.”
“Fair.”
“I’m also not handling a monkey for the next…” Mason looked down at his watch “…eight hours. But I would like to point out that I have a watch. Not that it matters. Because I already know I’m your best man.”
I clapped him on the back, but didn’t reply.
Mason gave me a hard stare.
“I mean…you’re not even doing the ring test.”
“I’ll gladly hold your rings on the day of your wedding. I’m not fondling a monkey though. But I’ll be at your house later so you can beg me on your knees.”
I laughed. “Never.”
“We’ll see.”
“It tried to bite my nipple!” Rob yelled.
He’d taken his shirt off. Apparently he was taking the skin-on-skin thing seriously.
“None of my kids ever tried to bite me. How long do we have to care for these things?”
“Everyone come by my house at midnight. Whoever’s monkey is the happiest wins. You two come too,” I said to James and Mason.
“Right. So you can beg me,” Mason said.
“Never,” I whispered.
“See you lads at midnight.” Tanner saluted me. And his monkey almost pulled off a salute too before Tanner turned and walked away.
Wow. Okay. Tanner was definitely winning this thing. Especially because Rob’s monkey was still trying to bite him. And Nigel’s monkey didn’t look like he liked being held like a baby. He kept trying to slap Nigel’s face.
***
“Is it even legal to have a monkey as a pet in New York City?” Brooklyn asked.
I shrugged. “No idea.”
“Your friends could be arrested.”
“Trust me, it’s better than what they wanted to do.”
“Which was?”
I laughed. “Nigel wanted to have a dick measuring contest.”
Brooklyn laughed too. “Well, that would have ended poorly for everyone else.”
“He also tried to do it in the middle of the Empire High football stadium.”
“Yeah, your friends are definitely going to get arrested.”
“Trust me, it’ll be fine. No one will get in trouble.”
“Matthew Caldwell.” She sighed and leaned against the counter. “I almost forgot that you never get in trouble. Even though you are trouble.”
I laughed. “Me? Trouble?”
“You gave your friends monkeys to take care of. And none of them have experience with monkeys. And they’re in the middle of a crowded city. You’re trouble. Especially since the best man competition is rigged.”
“They all know that already.” I wrapped my arms around her. “It’s just a bit of fun.”
“As long as no one gets hurt.”
I placed a slow kiss against her lips. “No one is getting hurt.”
“I’m holding you to that.”
“Besides, Mason and James refused to participate.”
“Smart men.”
I smiled down at her. “Have you asked Justin yet?”
“No, I’ll ask him whenever he calls or shows up next. He has a lot on his plate. I don’t want to add anything else.”
“He’s going to be excited.”
“I know.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me again. “I really want to stay up to see which monkey is the happiest. Whatever that means. But I’m not going to make it.”
I laughed and looked at the clock. It was only 9. “I have an idea.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the family room. I turned on a movie, sat down, and gestured for her to lie down.
She smiled and rested her head on my lap.
I looked down at her stomach. Brooklyn had been worried that I didn’t love this version of her. And she was about to change again.