Forever - Chapter 24
Friday
Brooklyn
“I don’t know if he still owns it,” I said as Matt cut the engine.
“I think he does,” Matt said.
“Well, even if he does, I don’t know if the code will be the same anymore.”
“I think it will be.”
“Really?” I asked. “My father is cold, and cruel, and heartless.” I stared out at the apartment building that my father had bought for my mom when they’d dated. And I knew my words weren’t the entire truth. My father could be warm…to me. He could be kind…to me. And he did love me in his own way.
“He kept the apartment for 16 years,” Matt said. “Who’s to say he hasn’t kept it for another 16?”
I shrugged.
“We don’t know until we try. You said you were missing your mom. We can bring some of her stuff home. We can keep her memory alive too.”
Too. He meant like we were keeping Miller’s memory alive.
In a lot of ways, Matt was the same as he was 16 years ago.
But he was way more patient now. Way more understanding.
He was exactly what I’d needed back in high school.
And he was exactly what I needed now. We’d both changed.
And somehow we fit together better than ever.
“And it just so happens that we need something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. We can probably find something in there that checks a few of those boxes. What do you say?”
I took a deep breath. I knew what I was really worried about. “What if he got rid of all of it, Matt?” What if all I had left of my mom were some old pictures, my beat up Keds, and my mom’s dress?
“We won’t know until we look.”
I hadn’t spoken to my dad at all since the Halloween party. I’d told him I forgave him, but that I needed time. And for once he was actually respecting my wishes. There was a small piece of me that hoped he’d changed too over the years. But I wasn’t sure he was capable of change.
This wasn’t really about my dad though. Matt had come up with the idea that we should visit here. He’d told me after we washed all the sticky whipped cream off ourselves last night. He knew I was missing my mom. And I hadn’t even thought about this place.
I smiled over at him. “Okay,” I said. “Let’s try.” I unbuckled my seatbelt and stepped out of the car. The cool autumn breeze made me shiver.
Matt wrapped his arm around me as we walked into the building. Not much had changed about the entrance. There was still a friendly doorman, although he wasn’t the same person. And no one asked us any questions as we walked over to the elevator.
“So far so good,” Matt said as he hit the button for the right floor.
Sixteen years ago, my father had locked me in this apartment.
And I wondered if that was how my mother had felt when they dated.
Locked away. A secret. I couldn’t imagine how scared she’d been when she found out she was pregnant.
I put my hand on my stomach as the elevator slid to a stop. Matt put in the code.
And…the panel turned red and started blinking.
I felt my shoulders slump. I’d wanted to believe that my father had kept the apartment. I hadn’t meant for this to turn into some kind of strange test. But my father had somehow failed.
Matt looked back down at the paper. “Wait, I think I forgot a number. One sec.” He put the code back in. And this time the panel turned green and the elevator doors slid open.
I swallowed hard. Not a single thing had changed since I’d last been here.
I stepped inside and turned in a circle.
Everything was pristine and white, minus the couch that we’d pulled into the family room.
The couch my mom had picked out. And the door at the end of the hall with all her things was still open instead of locked.
I could just make out a hint of her perfume.
“He kept it,” I said.
“Of course he did.”
I looked up at Matt. “How were you so sure?”
Matt shrugged. “I don’t like your father.
I don’t think I ever will. And I’ll never understand why he did the things he did.
But…” his voice trailed off as he stared at the couch.
“…I do believe he did everything because he loves you. And he loves you because you’re a piece of your mom.
Just like I love Jacob because he’s a piece of you. ”
For so long, I thought my father just wanted me for spare parts.
But I knew there was truth in what Matt said.
Or else my father would have sold this apartment 32 years ago.
“I meant what I said at the Halloween party. I do forgive him. But I just don’t know how to move forward from everything.
Justin keeps asking me who’s walking me down the aisle. And I don’t know what to tell him.”
“You don’t need anyone to give you away,” Matt said. “Because you know exactly who you are and what you want. So you can walk down the aisle yourself and right into my arms. Where you belong.”
I smiled. “Right where I belong.” I pressed the side of my face against his chest. Maybe he was right. I didn’t need my father to walk me down the aisle. He didn’t need to give me away. Because he didn’t own me. He never had.
I just didn’t want to regret not asking him. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to ask him to the wedding. But I’d give anything for my mom to be at my wedding. And my uncle. It just seemed like it would be a mistake if I didn’t invite my one living relative.
But I wasn’t here to think about my dad. I was here to keep the memory of my mom alive. I pulled back. “Let’s go find something old and borrowed. And blue if I’m lucky.”
Matt slid his hand into mine and we wandered down the hall and into the room filled with my mom’s things.
The smell of her perfume was stronger in here. And I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. God I missed her.
“Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?” Matt dropped my hand and opened a cardboard box.
“This is all stuff she owned before she had me. I kinda just want to look at everything.”
Matt laughed. “We could just bring all of it home with us. I can call a moving company.”
“I don’t know if it’ll all fit.” We needed less stuff, not more. “We don’t even have a room for the baby right now.” I opened a box too and rummaged around through it. There were some clothes, but nothing small enough that I could incorporate into my wedding.
Matt didn’t respond.
“I still want you to be able to paint.” I appreciated that he wanted to transform his studio into the nursery. But painting relieved his stress.
He still didn’t respond.
I rummaged around in the box some more. There was a small velvety jewelry box.
I lifted the lid and stared down at the bracelet inside.
It was beautiful. It would definitely work as something borrowed.
But if it was here…it meant my father had probably given it to her.
She’d left it behind for a reason. Did it really count as borrowing something if my mom hadn’t even wanted it anymore?
I snapped the lid closed. “Matt, I think I might just wear my Keds on our wedding day.” They’d make me feel close to her. And they were old.
He still didn’t respond.
I turned around. He had a stack of envelopes in his hand. He was frowning as he stared at them. He reached into the box and pushed some things around, the frown on his face deepening.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Isn’t this the address to your uncle’s apartment?”
I closed the distance between us and looked at the envelope on top. “Yeah.” The envelope was addressed to my mom though. And the return address was this apartment, but there was no name.
Matt fanned out the envelopes. They were all addressed to my mom. “None of them are opened.”
I looked down at the box. There were more unopened letters in there.
Dozens of them. I picked one up. They’d all been mailed, but “return to sender” was stamped on all of them.
“What are all these?” Had my mom mailed herself a bunch of letters for some reason?
I squinted at the date on the one in my hand.
It was from several months before I was born.
Matt started to open one of them.
“Wait.” I grabbed his hand. This felt like an invasion of privacy. Which I knew was silly, since we were here to go through her things.
“Don’t you want to know what these are?” he asked.
I thought about the letter Miller had left me. It had helped. Maybe these letters would help, even though they didn’t seem like there were for me. But…what if they were for me? Somehow? Someway? Like she knew one day I’d find these when I needed them most. I nodded.
He pulled out the paper and unfolded it. We both read it silently.
My love,
I didn’t mean what I said. Of course I didn’t mean it. Just come home. We’ll figure something out. Us against the world, remember?
-R.P.
“R.P.,” Matt said. “That must stand for Richard Pruitt. Are these all letters your dad sent your mom?” He stared back down at the letters filling the box to the brim.
My heart started racing. I grabbed another envelope and tore it open.
My love,
Please forgive me. Can we just talk? I miss you. I need you.
Yours always,
-R.P.
“Brooklyn…” Matt said. But I grabbed another envelope and tore it open.
My love,
Your brother made it very clear that if I come to the apartment again he’ll call the cops.
But I just need to talk to you. I know what I asked you to do was wrong.
I know that. And I’m asking you to forgive me.
I didn’t mean it. We can leave the city.
We’ll start a new life. I just need you to write me back, baby. Tell me yes. Tell me we can start over.
Love always,
-R.P.