Forever - Chapter 24 #2
“She never opened these,” I said. “They were all returned here. But she was living with my uncle after she broke up with my dad.” I pictured being sick back in high school.
My uncle had told me my mother had terrible morning sickness right there in that bathroom.
She’d moved in with him after my dad told her to have an abortion.
But my dad kept saying he was sorry in these letters.
Was he sorry for asking my mom to get rid of me? Is that what he was saying?
“And the thing he’s asking forgiveness for?” Matt asked.
My heart felt funny in my chest. “I think he’s saying sorry for asking her to get rid of me.”
Matt lowered his eyebrows and stared back at the letter in my hand. “He said he was willing to leave the city. He wanted the three of you to be a family, Brooklyn.”
Us against the world. That’s what he’s said in one of the letters. My mom used to say that to me. How many of her other phrases came from her time with him too?
She’d always loved him. Why had she refused to read the letters? Why had she sent them back?
I pressed my lips together. I knew why. Because she chose me.
She was strong and brave and she knew what she wanted.
Me. I ignored the tears welling in the corners of my eyes and grabbed another letter.
And another. And another. So many letters, confessing his love.
Begging for a fresh start. Talking about when they first met.
The love they shared. Tears started streaming down my cheeks as I grabbed another letter.
My love,
Us against the world. The three of us.
Please let me see you. I’m begging you.
-R.P.
The three of us. I wiped my tears away so none would fall on the words.
The letter was dated from a few months before I was born.
He was definitely talking about me. There was no doubt in my mind.
He’d regretted what he asked my mom to do.
He really had wanted to be a family. He had hope that she hadn’t gotten rid of me.
He’d been willing to risk everything and run away with her. And she’d never known.
“Matt,” my voice cracked. “My father was trying to apologize. He was trying to take back what he said. He did want me.”
I wasn’t a mistake.
I wasn’t an inconvenience.
He’d wanted to be a part of my life.
“Why didn’t he tell me that?” I asked. “He let me believe him asking her for an abortion was the end of the story. But it wasn’t the end. He tried to fight for her. He tried to fight for me.”
Matt pulled me into a hug. “I don’t know,” he said.
I rested the side of my face against his chest as I stared down at the box.
Matt rubbed his hand up and down my back as I tried to make sense of what these letters meant.
But there was only one conclusion I could come to: My father wanted me to think he was a monster.
Because he felt like one. He’d asked my mom to do something and he regretted it.
And for 16 years, he thought my mom had gone through with it. He’d regretted all of it.
I’d already forgiven my father. But these letters? They changed everything. They gave me hope for a future with him in it. He’d wanted me. He’d actually wanted me.
And it wasn’t some manipulative gesture.
There was no way my father knew I’d come here.
This wasn’t some game where he was using me as a pawn.
And that’s what made this real. My father had never meant for me to see these letters.
He kept them because he loved my mom. And he regretted not having a life with me in it.
I pulled back and looked up at Matt. “I need to talk to him.”
Matt nodded.
“I can’t believe he tried to win her back.” I hit my father’s name on my phone and pulled it to my ear. I didn’t know what I was going to say. But it didn’t matter, because my call went straight to voicemail.
“How about we just go see him?” Matt asked.
“Is that really okay? He’s put us through so much. I…” my voice trailed off.
Matt shrugged. “He’s your dad, Brooklyn. I get it. If you want to talk to him, I understand. If you want him in our lives, I understand. This is your choice.”
“Thank you.” I heard the sound of a clock ticking down in my head. No. There was actually an old clock sitting in the corner of the room. I wasn’t out of time. I tried to push the sound out of my head as I looked back up at Matt. “Can you grab that box?” I wanted to read the rest of those letters.
***
I knocked on the door again. I knew my dad had sent most of his staff to the Hamptons with Mrs. Pruitt. But wouldn’t they be back now? Since she was gone?
I knocked again.
And again there was no answer.
“Maybe he’s at work,” I said, but then I shook my head. My father had quit the business. Another thing he’d done for me. Seriously, where was he?
Matt glanced at his watch. “Maybe he’s at lunch?”
Yeah. Maybe. I just really needed to talk to him.
I had one of the letters folded in my hand.
The one that said “the three of us.” I wanted to know why he’d lied about changing his mind about wanting me.
He’d tried to fight for me. Just like he’d tried to fight for me when he found out I was alive when I was 16.
Just like he gave up his business to fight to be in my life now. What if I’d completely misjudged him?
I lifted my hand to knock again, but the door finally opened.
Donnelley was standing there. “Hey, Brooklyn,” he said. “How are you?”
How was I? Conflicted. Hopeful. Torn. Sorry. Confused. But that wasn’t really what Donnelley was asking. “I’m good. Is my dad here?”
He shook his head. “No.”
I swore I heard a bit of sadness in his voice.
And then I started to hear the clock in my head again.
I looked behind him, expecting to see the old grandfather clock.
But it was missing. The apartment looked…
empty. Minus the people walking around carrying boxes.
What was going on? I turned back to Donnelley. “Where is my dad?”
“He’s gone, Brooklyn.”
Gone? What did he mean gone ? I walked past him and into the foyer. There were more people packing up things in the dining room. But I was focused on the empty wall where the portrait of him, Mrs. Pruitt, and Isabella had once hung.
Gone.
The word echoed around in my head.
Gone.
Gone.
Gone.
The word collided with the sound of the clock ticking down in my head. He couldn’t be gone.
“Brooklyn,” Donnelley said. “He’d hoped you’d come by.”
Hoped. Past tense. I shook my head. No. One of the movers almost bumped into me.
It felt like a fist was gripping my heart. My dad couldn’t be gone. We hadn’t gotten a chance to move forward. I had so many questions. I… No.
This wasn’t happening. I turned away from Donnelley and looked up the stairs. Donnelley was wrong. My father had to still be here. He had to.
“Dad!” I called up the stairs. “Dad?!”
“Brooklyn…” Donnelley put his hand on my shoulder, but I shook him off. He was supposed to protect him. How had this happened?
“Dad!” I yelled and took a step toward the stairs. He had to be up there.
“Baby,” Matt said and grabbed my wrist to stop me from running up the stairs.
I turned toward him. And he looked…haunted. He was staring up the staircase instead of at me. And I wondered if he was reliving something. Reliving the moment he found out that I had “died.” Right here. Sixteen years ago.
Matt had said things to me the day before I disappeared that he regretted.
And here I was 16 years later, regretting what I hadn’t gotten to say to my father.
“He can’t be dead.” My voice cracked. “He…he can’t.
Matt pulled me into a hug.
A sob escaped my throat. I knew Matt said I was loved. That I had family. But my father was my only living relative other than Jacob. He was my family. My only family. And I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell him that I loved him.
“What’s wrong?” Donnelley asked calmly.
Of course he wasn’t upset. He was finally free from my father. Miller had said there was no out. But there was…once my dad was dead.
I pulled back from Matt and wiped the tears off my cheeks. “I know you didn’t like him,” I said to Donnelley. “Over the years, I hated him enough for both of us, trust me. But I…I needed to talk to him.” One more time at least.
I gripped the letter in my hand. I’d wasted time with him. Why did I never learn my lesson? Why did I always waste so much fucking time?
“Well, do you want me to call him?” Donnelley asked.
“What?” Matt said.
“I mean, I don’t know if he has service, but we can see if he picks up.”
I shook my head. “Wait. He’s not dead?”
Donnelley laughed. “No. Why would you think that?”
“Because you said that!”
“No I didn’t. I said he was gone. He left a couple days ago.” He laughed again.
“That’s not funny,” I said. “All his stuff is being packed up and you told me he was gone! What was I supposed to think?”
“It’s a little funny,” he said. “We both know Mr. Pruitt is invincible.”
Yeah, now that he had my kidney. “Where did he go?”
“He didn’t really say. He just said he needed a break from the city. I think he wants a fresh start.” Donnelley shrugged. “He’s selling the apartment. That’s why everything is being packed up. Let me give him a call.” He pulled out his phone.
I turned back to Matt. “I thought…”
“Me too,” he said. “This was where I found out about you. On that Friday after Thanksgiving.”
Yeah, I could see it in his eyes. The pain.
We were both moving forward, trying our best to leave the past in the past. But the scars would never truly go away.
It was a good thing we were going to give Black Friday a new memory in a few weeks.
“I’m sorry, Matt.” I wanted to tell him I wish we could rewind time.
That the past 16 years hadn’t happened. But he knew I couldn’t say that.
He pulled me back into a hug. “I’m so glad you’re alive. And that your father is too.”
“He didn’t answer,” Donnelley said. “His connection is spotty. It might be a while before we can get a hold of him.”
I kept my arms around Matt. “You have no idea where he is?”
“Oh no, I know where he is. I just don’t know where he’s going yet. I don’t think he even knows. He’s on his yacht.”
I didn’t realize my father had a yacht. “And you don’t know how long he’ll be gone?”
“No idea,” Donnelley said. “He just…I don’t know. I think he’s having a mid-life crisis or something.”
Or he was leaving the city because he’d given up his career for me. And then I told him I still didn’t want him in Jacob’s life. Or mine. He didn’t have anything left in New York.
“I need to reach him before our wedding. I want him to come. Actually, I’d love for you to come too, Donnelley.”
Donnelley looked back and forth between us. And for the first time his eyes settled on the ring on my finger.
I swallowed hard. Because I already knew what he was thinking. That this was a betrayal to Miller.
Donnelley pressed his lips together. “I don’t know, Brooklyn. Miller…”
I pulled back from Matt. “Yeah. No.” I shook my head.
I didn’t need him to say the words out loud.
But he didn’t understand. Miller wanted me to be happy.
He’d want me to keep living. And hadn’t I just reinforced the idea in my mind that time was limited?
I wasn’t wasting another second. I cleared my throat. “Of course. I understand.”
Donnelley nodded.
“Actually, Donnelley, if you’d reconsider, I’d really like you to come,” Matt said.
“You were friends with Miller. You knew him even before Brooklyn did. It would mean a lot to both of us if you got to know Jacob. He’s going to want to know all your stories about his dad.
And we want that too. It would mean a lot to all three of us.
The four of us, actually.” He put his hand on my stomach.
All four of us. Every time I thought I couldn’t love Matt more, he surprised me.
Donnelley looked down at my stomach. “You’re pregnant?”
I nodded.
“Is it…is it Miller’s too?”
“No.” It was the same question Rob had asked.
I’d wished that I was pregnant after Miller’s death.
I’d cried when I’d gotten my period. I understood that hope.
And I could tell Donnelley that this wasn’t planned.
That we’d never meant for it to happen. But I wasn’t going to justify this to him. I wanted this baby. I needed this baby.
Donnelley turned back to Matt. “Yeah, man. I’ll come. It’s what Miller would have wanted.”
Matt put his hand out for him.
Donnelley hesitated for a moment, but then shook it. “Congrats,” he said. “To both of you.” He turned back to me and smiled.
Donnelley always had been sweet. And for some reason, his approval made me feel better. Almost like talking to the North Star always made me feel better.
“And I’ll keep trying to reach Mr. Pruitt for you, Brooklyn,” he said.
“Thank you.” I felt tears welling in the corners of my eyes again. God, every day I felt like I got more emotional.