Stalker Problems - Chapter 10 - Homeless Rutherford Strikes Again
My night of hermitting was everything I’d ever wanted.
I'd snuggled up on my couch with my kindle and some boxed wine and gotten lost in a world where an awkward college girl seduces her professor.
I even lit a candle that smelled like fresh apple pie.
For a few hours, I was able to pretend like I hadn't practically raped Dr. Lyons.
But then I started to get hungry. I looked in the fridge, but I was pretty much out of everything. Damn it! Going to the grocery store would involve me leaving my apartment, so that was out. I wasn't about to break my vow of reclusivity. Really there was only one viable option: order some ‘za.
I opened the website for Nico's Pizza and was all ready to check out when a horrible thought occurred to me.
I'm going to have to interact with the pizza guy.
That was a problem. After my experience at the doctor's office, it was clear that I couldn't be trusted around other humans.
I'd probably panic and answer the door completely naked. I’d probably make weird innuendos about extra sausage and drop to my knees instead of just signing the stupid receipt.
How awful would that be? And what if it wasn't even the pizza boy at the door?
What if it was a SWAT team coming to take me in on rape charges?
In that case, answering the door nude would basically be a signed confession.
They wouldn't even give me a trial. They'd just send me straight to sex rehab. Maybe that was where I belonged.
I couldn't risk flashing the pizza boy, but I also needed some pizza. So I left a comment in the delivery instructions: "Please knock and leave the pizza on the welcome mat."
I had only just gotten back under my blanket and turned on my kindle when there was a knock.
It had only been like...a minute since I ordered the pizza.
That would have even been fast for the Chinese takeout place down the street.
I was still working out how they delivered so quickly, but ninjas were definitely involved.
"Leave it on the mat!" I yelled. How long should I wait to go get it? If I went too soon, I risked compulsively molesting the pizza boy. But if I waited too long, I risked Homeless Rutherford stealing it. Or worse...he might just lick all the hot cheese and then leave it there as a germ-trap. This wouldn’t be the first time. He was a monster.
There was another knock.
"I said leave it on the mat!" I yelled even louder.
"Ash!" he yelled. But he sounded very feminine. Maybe it was actually just a woman. "Let us in!"
Shit! The SWAT team is here! And they even sent female officers so that I wouldn't try to rape anyone. Clever...
"We're coming in!" yelled the officer.
I dove behind the couch to avoid getting hit by splinters when they rammed the door. But instead they just used some sort of skeleton key and opened the door the old-fashioned way.
"Ash?" she said.
"Ash isn't here," I said as robotically as possible. I reached up and pulled a blanket over myself.
"I think she's hiding behind the couch," said another female voice.
"She's definitely not," I replied.
I braced myself as they tugged the blanket off me. But instead of staring at a SWAT team, I found myself staring at Chastity and Madison. And Liz. Damn it. Getting arrested and taken to sex rehab would have been better than having to hang out with Liz.
Madison gave me a quizzical look. "Why are you hiding under a blanket? And why aren't you answering your phone?"
"I took a vow of reclusivity. And hid my phone in my desk."
"But it's Friday. We always hang out on Fridays."
"Not anymore. I'm never leaving this apartment again."
"It went that bad, huh?" asked Chastity.
I gave her a stern look. "I really don't want to talk about it."
"Talk about what?" asked Madison.
"I..." I started, but Chastity held up her freshly manicured hand to stop me.
"She got food poisoning from some Indian place," said Chastity. "Had explosive diarrhea earlier. It was truly awful. You know how that goes with curry."
What? I appreciated her lying for me, but there was no reason for her to make it so graphic.
She was probably just pissed that I didn't call her immediately after my doctor's appointment. I almost had, but then I decided that it was better for the story of Dr. Lyons to never be told. Or rather… Incident #2. God, I hated that I’d experienced two unspeakable incidents.
Liz plopped down in my favorite spot on the couch. "Explosive diarrhea? Ew."
"Yeah, it was pretty bad." I walked over towards the door. "Well, thanks for stopping by. But you guys should probably just hang out without me tonight."
"No way," said Madison. "If you're not feeling well, we'll just stay here."
"You really don't have to..."
"Best friends don't leave each other alone."
I really wish you would. "Aw, that's so sweet."
“And Single Girl Rule #2…” Chastity said.
I sighed. “Yeah, yeah. I know the rule. Girls’ night is every Friday. No exceptions.” Damn it, those crazy rules!
"And if you're not feeling well, that means more cookies and drinks for the rest of us," said Madison, protectively cradling her Oreos and six-pack of wine coolers.
"I'm actually pretty hungry. Here, let's get those in the fridge.
" I pried the bottles out of her death-grip and took them into the kitchen.
I cracked one open for myself, offered one to Chastity, and then hid a few in the back of the fridge.
No one had ever taught Madison's cheap ass that it's polite to leave whatever's left of the food you bring to a party, so I had taken to hiding half of whatever she brought.
At least she brought something, though. Liz always arrived with nothing more than a bad attitude and a penchant for falling asleep before 9.
Once we were all settled on the couch, Madison asked what was new with everyone. Chastity told us about her latest Tinder match. Liz shrugged and said nothing. Then they looked at me.
I took a sip of my wine cooler to buy some time to think of an answer that wasn't horribly shameful. "Mainly just getting ready for my first day of work."
"I can’t wait for you to come work with us!” said Madison. “It’ll be like we’re back in high school. This is so exciting!"
"Yeah," I said with mock enthusiasm. "It's gonna be so much fun waking up at 6 am every morning and having to put on pants."
"Pants are a great choice," said Madison. "I don’t know if they've done any studies on it, but I have a suspicion that women who wear pants are more likely to make almost as much as men doing the same jobs. It's one small way to trick the patriarchy..."
Chastity shook her head. "I respectfully disagree. You gotta go skirts all the way. The shorter the better. How do you think I got you this job at BIMG?"
I knew it.
Madison glared at her and took a huge swig of alcohol. “Please tell me you’re joking. That’s the sort of thing that’s ruining…”
"Hey," I said, cutting her off before this conversation really got out of hand. "How about we watch a movie or something?"
"Good idea," agreed Chastity. “I think Spaceboy is performing on the Night Show tonight and I’ve been secretly dying waiting for you to say it was okay to turn on the TV. Ah! They’re on!”
Madison snatched the remote from her. “What are you doing? Ash doesn’t want to watch that.”
I don’t?
"Why not?" asked Chastity.
"She used to love listening to Spaceboy with... him ," said Madison.
She can't even say Joe's name? "You can say his name, you know,” I said. “Joe, Joe, Joe. It's not a big deal. I'm over it. And yes, I did used to listen to Spaceboy with him. And yes, one or two of their songs still remind me of him. But their new stuff is amazing.”
“And don’t forget about how hot they are,” said Chastity.
“Amen to that.” I took a sip of my wine cooler and then lifted my wine glass in my free hand. Who knew the combination of wine and wine coolers was so scrumptious?
“They’re okay,” said Madison.
Chastity stared at her in disbelief. “Uh, are you blind? Look at them!” She pointed to the screen as it zoomed up on DJ Spaceboy’s perfect face.
Or what we could see of it. As always, most of his face was covered by a futuristic visor.
But his soft lips and magnificent jawline were left exposed.
“The things I’d let him do to me with those lips… ”
“Wait,” I said, turning to her. “I thought he was dead to you?” I actually remembered perfectly, because that meant DJ Spaceboy was all mine.
“He was. But I’ve forgiven him. I thought about it more, and I realized that it was my fault that he ignored me.
I mean…I flashed him in like, the most boring way possible.
Pulling up my t-shirt and just letting my boobs flop out works on most guys, but DJ Spaceboy is a freaking rock star.
He probably sees like twenty boobs a day.
Maybe even twenty pairs. If I want to get a backstage pass, I’m gonna need to step up my flashing game. ”
“How exactly does one step up their flashing game?” I asked.
Chastity put her drink down and scooched forward on the couch as if she was about to share something really important.
“Well, first off, I’m not going to flash DJ Spaceboy.
He gets all the attention, but his crew deserves attention too.
So I’m going to dress up just like them - full space helmet, clingy body suit - and then slowly unzip it.
I’m still toying with the idea of wearing nipple tassels underneath.
Yes, it’s a little 1920s burlesque, but it would help get their attention.
And it creates some mystery. Like…hey, I’ve got great tits, but if you wanna see the nips, you have to give me a backstage pass. ”
“Why debase yourself just for a backstage pass?” asked Madison.