Stalker Problems - Chapter 34 - Garlic and Holy Water #2
Very interesting. So he wasn’t afraid of garlic. But all of it was cooked garlic. Maybe vampires were only allergic to raw garlic? I’d have to consult the literature after work. But in the meantime, I had a few other tests to run.
I loosened one of my earrings and then shook my head to make it fall out. But it didn’t work, so I shook harder.
“Are you having a seizure?” he asked.
“No. I’m just…damn! My earring fell out.” I fumbled with it to try to get it back in but purposefully failed. “Would you mind?” I held the earring out for him.
“Sure.”
“These silver earrings are great, but they’re so loose.” I stared at him hard as I said the word silver. If he was a werewolf, touching silver would be like putting his hand on a hot stove. Or something like that. Burn, baby, burn.
He didn’t flinch, though. He just grabbed the earring and walked over behind my chair.
A chill ran down my spine as he gently pushed my hair out of the way.
For a moment I forgot the fact that I was supposed to be figuring out his secret.
All I wanted was for him to keep his hands on me.
But as soon as I thought it, they fell away.
Maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe he was just a mind reader. Or maybe he kept backing away from me because it was hard to control himself around the sweet scent of my blood. I swallowed hard.
“You’re a lifesaver,” I said. “By the way, do you want some water?” I took a bottle out of my purse and set it on his desk.
“I have the best trick. Rather than paying for stupid bottled water, I always just fill it up at the church on the way to work. They have this pool of free water that they say has been blessed. How cool is that?” And this holy water is going to disintegrate you, foul demon.
“You know people put their hands in that, right?”
I shrugged. But really I was dying inside. Even going near the holy water had given me the willies. SO. MANY. GERMS. I was fully prepared to toss my bottle in the trash as soon as this test was over. “Is that why it tastes so flavorful?” Barf.
“I’m not going to drink that. But you can pour it on me if you’re worried that I’m an evil demon.”
“Say what now?” I pretended to be shocked by his accusation.
“You really think I don’t know what you’re doing?”
“Before you say anything else ridiculous, I have a present for you.” I pulled a wrapped package out of my purse and tossed it to him.
He caught it. “I’m somewhat terrified to see what’s in here.”
I forced a laugh. “Don’t be. It’s totally normal. Don’t people always bring you presents after you sign with their firm?”
“No. Because that borders on bribery.”
“What?” Is it? “Ha. No. It only would have been bribery if I’d given you this before you signed. Just open it.”
He ripped the paper and immediately looked bewildered. “What am I looking at here?”
“Socks.”
“Socks?” His bottom lip quivered. “I never thought anyone would set me free…”
“Really?” I had to pick my jaw up off the floor.
“No, I’m not a house elf. And I’m not a vampire or a werewolf or a demon. But if you promise not to tell a soul, I’ll tell you my real secret.”
“Sure.” Is he really going to tell me?! I was cautiously optimistic.
“I mean it. Do I have your word?” He seemed strangely serious. His acting skills combined with my gullibility was a dangerous combination for my sanity.
“Fine. I won’t tell a soul.”
He hesitated for a moment, like he was wondering if he could trust me. But then he leaned in and whispered, “I’m a genie.”
I laughed. How stupid did he think I was? “Touché. I deserved that.”
“I’m serious.” Tanner walked over and shut his office door. “That’s why we can’t be together.” He sighed as he sat back down, as if his confession was a weight off his shoulders.
Fine. I’ll play along. “Oh of course. And let me guess - your previous master wished for you to torture me?”
“No. Ava wouldn’t have been that wasteful with her wishes.”
“Well, Mr. Genie, can I have three wishes?”
“Yes.” He leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head as if this were the most normal, casual conversation in the world.
“Okay then. I’d like a magic carpet ride.” Let’s see you act your way through this one, genie boy.
Tanner nearly fell out of his chair as he sprung forward. His eyes narrowed. “Dear Lord, why would you wish for that? Magic carpet rides are freaking terrifying. Imagine flying around thousands of feet above the ground on a floppy piece of fabric. With nothing to hold on to.”
I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I should laugh or have something witty to add, but I had nothing.
“When I got caught being unfaithful to the evil Princess Karima,” he continued, “the sultan almost sentenced me to death by magic carpet ride. But then he reconsidered and sentenced me to an even worse fate: eternal life as a genie.”
Sultan? Evil Princess? What? “Well that’s a convenient story to avoid granting my wish.” Definitely a demon.
He laughed.
And suddenly the tension that had been like a wall between us the past few weeks started to dissipate.
The tests hadn’t revealed anything about his secret, but his willingness to joke about genies put me completely at ease around him.
So at ease that I felt comfortable asking, “So why does being a genie prevent us from being together?”
“A lot of reasons. Are you familiar with the brown recluse spider?”
“A little.” A lot. I had been bitten by a spider a few years ago. The little bastard had gotten away, so I was left to look up symptoms online. That led me to a Google image search of brown recluse bites…
“So you’ve seen the pictures of how their bites eat away at your skin cells?”
I nodded. The images of the zombie-like bites were permanently seared in my brain.
“That’s what would happen to you if you ever were to come in contact with uh…me.” He glanced down at his crotch. “The technical term is alqadib almushtaeilat aljaniyu , which roughly translates to flaming genie penis.”
I burst out laughing. Now he’s making up words? I had to hand it to him, he was really committing to this lie.
“It’s really not funny,” he said. “You try going 300 years without having sex.”
“Well, let me be the first to tell you that you’ve aged magnificently. You don’t look a day over 30.”
“I appreciate that. Now, do you have any more questions about my true form, or shall we get back to these graphics? I may not be able to die, but my businesses sure as hell can.”
I almost pushed him to tell me more. I was sure that if I asked enough questions his silly story would fall apart.
Just like it had when I’d figured out he was part of the Society.
But questioning him further would most likely ruin whatever weird understanding we’d come to.
Besides, all of it was moot. Because we’d grinded pretty hard at Odegaard.
And I’d felt no burning sensation on my crotch.
He was just a dirty liar. Just like he’d lied about the FBI being after him.
It was pretty clear he didn’t want to discuss his actual secret. But I was 97.5% positive that he was a demon. Why did I always have to fall for the bad boys?