This Is War - Chapter 1 - Wineflix and Handsy Monkeys
As soon as Tanner was pulled overboard by the masked strangers, the monkeys started screeching again.
Whatever control Tanner had over them completely disappeared the second he was off the yacht.
They resumed running around in their lederhosen, wreaking havoc all over the boat.
Ruining the launch party with their perverted little monkey hands.
But none of that mattered.
Because Tanner had been…taken. By DODO.
I lifted up my sword.
“What the hell are you doing with a sword?!” Chastity yelled and tried to grab it out of my death grip.
But I wasn’t having it. I pulled back. “Tanner’s been taken!” I screamed. “I have to go after him!”
Chastity just stared at me.
Why wasn’t she freaking out? I pointed toward the horizon, brandishing my sword and almost hitting a guest.
“Stop it,” Chastity said and successfully wrassled the sword out of my hands. “What the hell is happening?”
“DODO took Tanner! They just came and kidnapped him and sped off in a boat…”
The yacht dipped slightly right and I grabbed the rail, narrowly avoiding falling into the Hudson River for the second time tonight. I glared up at the monkey who had taken control of the ship.
“We’re all going to die!” some random woman shrieked.
A chandelier crashed and more guests jumped into the freezing cold river to get away from the demon monkeys.
“So DODO took Tanner?” Chastity asked calmly as she looked down at the sword in her hands. “I think the hilt of this is pure gold. And the balance on it is perfect.”
She seriously wasn’t grasping the gravity of this situation. Screw the gold! “He’s been kidnapped!”
“And what happened to your amazing bikini?” Chastity asked.
I looked down at the towel wrapped around me. Had Chastity not seen the last ten minutes of my life? “Where the hell have you been?”
“Below deck,” she said with a saucy wink.
I didn’t know what that meant. Had she actually been below deck? Or was that some sort of euphemism for kinky butt stuff? “Chastity, I’m freaking out! What are we going to do?!”
A woman ran by us with a monkey’s head buried in her cleavage.
“We don’t really need to do anything. Because all this…
” She waved her hand at the disaster behind us and gave a chef’s kiss.
“Perfection. Have you looked at TikTok? Or Twitter? Or literally any website worth looking at? The party went viral! Wineflix and Chill is about to make a fortune. And so are we. #WineflixAndHandsyMonkeys is already trending.” She pulled out her phone and showed me a TikTok of a monkey motorboating one of the guests.
“And don’t worry, lots of people are using #WineflixAndChill too.
Best party ever! Daddy’s going to be so proud of me when I get a raise. ”
I didn’t care about the party. “Why aren’t you freaking out about Tanner?”
“Don’t you remember how many times we almost got kidnapped back in college? And how many times custom Odegaards got us out of trouble? Surely as the owner of Odegaard Tanner is properly prepared to ward off a kidnapping.”
“But he wasn’t prepared! They bagged him like a nematode and threw him overboard into a dingy.”
“Hmm. Well…maybe he didn’t get away because he wanted to be taken.”
“You know how scared he was of DODO!”
“Exactly. Which means he would have fought them off with his strong biceps and fancy Odegaard gadgets if it was them taking him.”
“Or they caught him by surprise and now they’re going to torture and rape and murder him!”
“Tanner is not getting tortured or raped tonight. Unless that’s what he’s into,” she added with a wink.
“Chastity! This isn’t the time for kinky sex talk!”
“Sure it is. Because clearly the kidnapping was just a Society thing. He was probably just needed for an emergency sex auction or something.”
I paled.
“Which he won’t participate in, of course. Can you scooch a little to the left? I want to get a few shots of the chaos in case the photographer jumped overboard.” She snapped a picture of me looking an absolute mess before I could tell her no.
She snapped another. “Oh! I got a monkey in the background!”
A man with his sleeve on fire jumped off the side of the yacht.
Where had that fire come from? Was there an extinguisher somewhere? The last thing I needed was for someone’s dick to catch fire when my mini fire extinguisher wasn’t on me. Why had I left it at home? I already had too many incidents to keep track of!
There was a loud clap and all the monkeys froze again. Just like when Tanner had been commanding them.
I turned to see Nigel standing in the center of the deck with his hands pressed together. All the monkeys had turned to him. I had no idea where Tanner had gotten his animal training skills but it appeared that Nigel had been his direct understudy.
“Turn this boat around!” Nigel said in a commanding tone. Although his ridiculous lederhosen costume definitely made it a little less commanding.
The captain lifted the now docile monkey off the ship’s wheel and followed Nigel’s instructions.
Nigel was as calm as Chastity despite the chaos. And maybe he’d be more helpful. I grabbed Chastity’s hand and pulled her over to Nigel.
“We need your help!” I said to him.
Nigel grabbed the sword out of Chastity’s hands. “No touching the antiques, whoever you are!”
Chastity ignored him and snapped a selfie of her with one of the monkeys. She made the little guy put his hands on her breasts before snapping another.
“Nigel, Tanner’s been taken,” I said.
“By…whom?” Nigel asked.
“The Society,” Chastity said and finally put her phone away.
“No, it was DODO!” I screamed.
He immediately slapped me across the face. “Stop it, you’re being hysterical.”
Did Nigel just slap me? I put my hand to my cheek.
“Wait.” He blinked at me. “How do you know about DODO?”
“How do you know about DODO?” I asked.
“Because I’m Tanner’s houseboy!”
“Well I’m Tanner’s girlfriend!”
“But there are some secretses you don’t share outside your houseboy! There are rules about these things. Good God, what has he done!?”
Chastity slapped Nigel across the face. “Stop it, you’re being hysterical!”
Nigel shrieked. “Did you just strike me!?”
“Now we’re even.”
He raised his hand to slap her back, but she grabbed his wrist.
“I don’t think so, Nigel,” she said firmly. “You started this when you slapped me in Ash’s apartment. Tit for tat.”
He pulled his hand out of her grasp, dropped the antique sword on the ground, and then they started swatting their hands against each other’s like they were two kittens playing. Two kittens that hated each other very much.
“Would you both cut it out!” I screamed. “Tanner’s been taken. Can we please focus for one second? We need to go after him.”
Chastity took a step back from Nigel. “I swear he just went to Club Onyx. Let’s just stop by and get him.”
“You two are not allowed in Club Onyx again without Master Tanner’s direct supervision.”
“But…” Chastity started.
“No buts, missy. You are both in time-out! Remember?”
Chastity folded her arms across her chest.
“You two will wait here while I check the club.”
“No way,” said Chastity.
“Yes way,” replied Nigel, mimicking her saucy tone.
It looked like they were seconds away from another slap fight. “Stop it!” I yelled. “Nigel, I know that we’re not supposed to go back to Club Onyx. But is it really safe for you to leave us here if DODO took Tanner? They might come for me next.”
He stared at me for a second. And then he lifted the sword back up, strutted over to one of the lifeboats, and slashed the rope holding it up.
It seemed entirely unnecessary because there was a whole release system for it. But I had to admit, it was pretty badass. “Aren’t you two coming?” he asked.
Of course we were! I know that technically we were hosting this party, but I didn’t care about that. Not when Tanner had been taken and dirty kidnappers were on the loose!
I grabbed Nigel’s hand as he helped me onto the lifeboat. Chastity plopped down ungracefully beside me when Nigel refused to assist her.
“I hate that little man,” Chastity said.
Honestly I wasn’t a huge fan of Nigel either. But he could help us get into Club Onyx. He could make sure Tanner was safe. And that was the only plan we had.