24. Nick
Nick
A woman who matters to you. She’d said those words, not to hurt me but because I’d hurt her so bad she’d convinced herself it was true.
My heart stopped beating in my chest. My mouth went dry and my hands were sweating like it was my first day on the ice.
I was losing her, I felt it down to my bones, and I couldn’t lose her before I even got her back properly.
“I’m right here, Sonya.” The words came out on a low growl, begging her to understand.
But the stubborn woman just shook her head.
“I don’t know why you’re here now, Nick.
” Her voice was low, barely above a whisper, but steady despite the hurt that darkened her green eyes.
She held herself together by sheer force of will but I knew her well enough to see the signs that she was trying a little too hard.
She wrapped her arms around herself as if she needed to protect herself from me.
“I waited for you to call. To text. To reach out to me but around day five it all became clear.” She shrugged, exhausted and hurt.
“You were fine with the secrecy,” she said as if it just came to her.
“I was feeling guilty and you were secretly thrilled.”
That made me see red. I didn’t know what pissed me off more, that she believed it or that I didn’t have the words to make her see the truth. “That’s a damn lie.”
“No, it’s the only thing that makes sense.
” She gave me a sad smile that hit harder than a check to the ribs.
“Too bad because I fell in love with you, Nick.” She sighed as if the weight of her emotions was too much to carry.
“Not the first heartache I’ll get over, I suppose.
See you around, Nick.” She patted my chest like we were acquaintances, not people who’d spent the past few months wrapped up in heat and passion, getting to know each other. Falling for each other.
I grabbed her wrist before she could pull away, before I lost this connection, lost her completely. I kept her hand right over my racing heart, made her listen to the chaos she created within me. “Sonya.” Her name was torn from my lips on an anguished sigh.
Her breath caught and then her eyes met mine. “Please, Nick.” She tugged gently, but I couldn’t release her.
Not yet.
“Invite me in,” I demanded or maybe I begged. Either way, this conversation wasn’t finished and I needed a moment to get my shit together before I lost her completely.
Sonya hesitated for just a heartbeat before she stepped back and pushed the door open, giving me just enough room to pass without touching her.
I waited patiently for her to close and lock the door before I reached out, snagging her wrist again.
It wasn’t supposed to be some grand romantic gesture, not yet, but because if I let her go I didn’t think I’d say what needed to be said.
My hands circled her wrists and pulled her closer, letting the heat of her body wash over me because it meant she was here. She was real.
“Sonya,” I sighed. “You think I stayed away because I didn’t care?” The question was incredulous but it really shouldn’t have been, since I basically ghosted her. “I stayed away because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing your face filled with guilt over something that wasn’t your fault.”
That old fire flashed in her eyes. “You don’t know what I felt because you ignored me.”
I held her close, refusing to give her any space, any time to think of a reality where we weren’t together, where I didn’t get to kiss her, to hold her, to stare deep into her eyes and make her smile.
Laugh. Come. “I’m so fucking sorry, Sonya.
I felt useless, worse than useless. I felt like nothing and I had no one to blame but myself.
” I shook my head, bringing her hands to my lips.
“I felt stupid for doubting your warnings and I felt like I deserved to lose everything. And you, Princess, you deserve more than just a farmer.”
Her anger returned and she pulled one wrist free of my hold. “That was my decision to make, not yours.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “And that’s exactly why you’re out of my league. And it’s also probably why I fell in love with you.” My heart swelled, not just at saying the words out loud but because I’d shocked her. “Nothing to say for once?”
Her mouth opened and then closed. Her lids blinked so quickly I thought she might take flight. “You what ?”
“You heard me,” I told her as my smile fell. “I love you, Sonya. I was about to tell you that morning that everything went to shit, that my feelings had grown, that I was done sneaking around and going public. No matter the consequences.”
She let out a soft sigh before reaching up to run her fingers through my hair. “And then consequences came a-knockin’ and you took off.”
I leaned into her touch and my eyes slid closed. “Yeah,” I agreed because I had no choice. I’d done just that, even if my reasons were noble. “My head was a mess for a few days but that’s no excuse.”
“Damn right,” she murmured and pulled back as if she’d just remembered her pain.
“I don’t deserve you, Sonya, and I damn well know it. Not your beautiful face, your sexy body or your kind heart. And definitely not your brilliant mind that’s been giving Coach Mac hell for more than a week.”
She shrugged. “Just doing my job.”
“I appreciate it, really, I do, but I don’t want you putting your job in jeopardy for me.” It was bad enough the guys had done it, I couldn’t take it if she lost this job on account of me.
“I’m not,” she insisted with her head held high, chin notched in the air defiantly. “Jade is on board with it because engagement is up and our first post-season home game is sold out. Everybody is wondering if they’ll see you on the ice.”
I swallowed hard around the lump of hurt that lodged in my throat. “They won’t.” Coach Mac was stubborn and he wouldn’t forgive me. Not ever.
Her brow furrowed. “You don’t know that. You can’t.”
I smiled because she still believed in me, even now. “I do,” I replied, my voice low and final. “Coach Mac is stubborn as hell and he won’t forgive me. Not ever, and I’m to walking back into a locker room where the guy in charge would rather set me on fire than see me suit up.”
Her jaw tightened in steely determination, but then there was something else there, but it was gone before I could identify it. “So you’re just, what…giving up?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m protecting myself. And you.” I hooked one arm around her waist and held the back of her head with the other hand. “The more you push, the more he’ll dig in just to prove he’s right.”
Sonya shook her head but she didn’t argue.
The room fell silent around us; the sound so loud it was damn near deafening.
Though our bodies were glued together, the space between us was large enough that a chill washed over me.
“I wasn’t fine with the secrecy,” I admitted.
“I hated it. Every time we ducked around a corner or lied to everyone about where we were going, it felt wrong. I kept doing it because you asked me to, even though it killed me, even though there were times I thought you were just ashamed to be seen with me. I agreed because I was scared of losing you, but I lost you anyway and it was all my fault.”
She blinked hard to keep the tears from falling. “You didn’t lose me, Nick; you threw me away.”
My eyes slid shut; the pain in her words hit me in the chest like a bullet. “I don’t want to push you away or let you go or lose you. I want you as close as I can get you for as long as we have.” I sighed and shook my head. “But if you don’t want me, tell me to fuck off right now.”
She didn’t. Instead, she looked away as if she didn’t have the heart to say those words. “I’m still mad at you.”
“I know,” I replied.
“You hurt me,” she added without looking at me.
“I know that too, and I’m so damn sorry, Sonya.” I’d make it up to her however she let me.
“You love me,” she finally said.
The smile I felt teasing the corners of my lips got bigger.
“Now you’re catching on.” I pressed my forehead to hers and let our breaths mingle together in the quiet of her living room.
The noise outside faded until the only thing I heard was the sound of her heart beating in time with mine. “I really love you, Sonya.”
“Good.” She slung one arm around me and then the other.
“Because I love you too, cowboy.” Her mouth tugged into a slow smile that lasted an eternity before finally, those soft pillowy lips found mine.
The kiss was everything the last first kiss should be.
It was sweet and hot, it was the start of something even better than the last few months.
It was the start of forever.
I got the girl and now I had to figure out how the hell I could still have hockey too.