Chapter Fourteen
Max
I loved you with every piece of me.
The words are bouncing around my head like a hockey puck mid-game.
If she loved me so deeply, how could she have left me?
Maybe I wasn’t good enough to fight for?
Or her love for our parents was stronger.
I want to find out, but I’m guessing that it will always be a mystery.
I’m too scared to ask at the risk of pushing her away.
Does she still love me that way? The way her body reacts to me gives away her true feelings. Whether that be love or lust, there is something still there between us. I need to know, and I won’t give up until I find out.
“I think it’s time we call it a night,” her voice breaks through my maddening thoughts. When I turn my head back to her, her shoulders are slumped, and she is worrying her bottom lip.
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, it’s been a long night. I’m ready to sleep it off and wake up to a new day.” She slides out of the booth, avoiding my gaze as she does. She looks so defeated. “I’ll see you at the farmhouse soon, no doubt.”
I take note of how she doesn’t call it ‘Mum and Dad’s’ house, because I do the same thing. It doesn’t feel right anymore.
“I’ll walk you to a cab,” I offer, standing up beside her.
Her back stiffens. “No.” She shakes her head slowly, still not fully facing me. “I’ll be fine. I will see you around.”
She bolts for the door, as if she couldn’t get away any faster if she tried. It takes me a moment to follow after her. My mind was whirling at the sudden change in her mood. What the hell did I do?
The door is still slightly ajar as I get to it, but she’s walking that fast, she is already halfway down the alley when I make it outside. When did she get so fast?
“Lucy?” I call after her, but her steps don’t falter.
I jog to catch up with her, but she picks up more speed. What did I do?
“Sugarplum, talk to me! What did I do? Whatever I said, I’m sorry!” I plead, not wanting her to leave me this way. Who knows when I will get the chance to see her again.
Her steps falter. That’s when I notice how her shoulders are hunched, and her arms are wrapped around her middle. As though she is holding herself together. I take a final step towards her, so I’m standing at her back. “Baby? Tell me.”
Slowly, she turns around, bringing us face to face. Tears cover her lashes, with small streaks falling down her cheeks. My own face softens as I take her in. I raise a hand to her face, my thumb gently wiping away the escaping tears. Which only makes her face scrunch up more.
“I’m so sorry, Max.” She whispers between shuddering breaths. “I…I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“There is nothing wrong with you.” I use my other hand to cup her face between my palms, my fingers tangling into her hair. “Something is bothering you to the point that it’s hurting you. I can’t help if you don’t talk to me.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t know how to talk to you.” Her glistening eyes bore into mine. The first few drops of rain start to fall, but neither of us dares to move. “I don’t know what to do, Max.”
“What do you want to do?” I ask. I would do anything to take away the pain she is carrying right now. How did we go from having a quiet drink to this in the space of a few minutes? The last thing I have ever wanted to do is cause her pain.
“I don’t know anymore.” Her nose scrunches before she takes in another steadying breath. “I hate being back here. I hate being around our parents, in that house, pretending all the fucking time like everything is okay. When it is anything but okay.”
“Is that why you left? To escape being there?”
“No…yes... maybe? It had always been my dream to work in Paris, but when I got there, it wasn’t as great as I had made it out to be.” Another tear escapes, but with the light dusting of rain, there isn’t any point in moving it. “I feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore.”
Fuck me.
This is exactly how I have been feeling for such a long time. I go from place to place with nowhere to call home. I haven’t even rented a place for longer than six months at a time.
“I get that,” I tell her, my thumbs brushing soothing circles on her cheekbones. She leans into my hand more, her body sagging.
I can’t take my eyes away from her. The scattering of raindrops that coat her beautiful, freckled cheeks makes her look even more irresistible.
She is yet to back away from my hold, but I don’t remove my hands. I’m enjoying just being able to touch her, even if this is all I get. It’s been such a long time since we’ve stood so close. This girl is my undoing.
“I never wanted to hurt you, you know.” She says softly. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But in the end, I think I hurt myself the most.”
“Then why did you leave?”
Why did you leave me?
It takes her a minute to answer. I can almost see the wheels turning in her beautiful little head as she thinks of what to say.
“Be honest, don’t say what you think you should. Or what you think I want to hear. Don’t hide from me, Sugar.”
“I was scared.” She finally admits, and it’s the last thing I expected her to say.
“Of what? Being with me?”
“Kind of? I don’t know. I have never felt good enough.
I think it was disappointing everyone, too, and after everything our parents have been through, I didn’t want to cause them any more pain.
” The rains coming down harder now, fat drops bouncing off our faces.
“I was leaving anyway, so I thought it was inevitable.”
“Long distance never scared me, Lucy. I wish you had spoken to me. You just left.” I can hear the pain in my own voice.
I try to dial it back, not wanting to stop her from finally opening up.
“I get it. I really do. But we were in it together. You made the decision to leave without even talking it through.” The rain bounces off my face, but I barely feel it.
I only notice it because the raindrops covering Lucy make her look ethereal, my very own Sugarplum fairy.
“So you could convince me to stay? Tell me how everything would be okay? To fuck everyone else and just focus on us? I couldn’t do that, Max, I can’t do that.
” Her voice sounded defeated. “I knew if I spoke to you first, I would have stayed. And although we would have been together, no one would have been truly happy. I couldn’t do that to anyone, not even you. ”
“Lucy…” I plead, wanting her to calm down.
“No. This is why I left.” She pulls away, not turning her back on me as she retreats. “I’m going home, just let me go.”
“I don’t think I can.” My own nose starts to sting as I fight back the tears that threaten to come.
“You have to. Because we don’t work. We can’t work.”
“Please, Lou,” I beg.
Her sad eyes hold mine as she shakes her head from side to side. She doesn’t speak another word as she continues to leave me behind.