Chapter 38
Marco
W hen I get home from dinner with Josie and Erica, my apartment feels more empty than usual. My heart feels empty, like someone left a hole in it. A hole in the shape of my daughter and her mother, and it feels as though it has grown bigger in the short time I’ve been without them.
I loosen my tie and slide my jacket off before slumping down on the couch, replaying the evening.
It couldn’t have gone more perfectly. I still can’t believe that Erica had agreed to let me meet Josie, let alone suggested dinner.
I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up high.
I don’t even know exactly what I’m hoping for, I just know that I want Josie to be a part of my life.
Erica too. I don’t know what that looks like, or if it’s even possible, given our history.
It’s just tonight felt so right. Being together, the three of us in a corner booth talking and laughing while the jukebox played and Josie clapped her hands to the music. It felt like we were a family, a word I never expected to be a part of my vocabulary or life.
Still, I could feel Erica’s caution in the way she held back and in the way she looked at me, like she couldn’t quite grasp what was going on.
It probably felt as surreal to her as it did to me, but I’m not sure she shares the same happiness I do.
I can tell she’s scared. Of what, I don’t know, but it crushes me.
Her walls are back up after I worked so hard to pull them down, brick by brick.
I wonder if I screwed everything up entirely by my actions in my penthouse the morning I found out her big secret, and the hurtful words I said in my office have probably left deeper marks in her than I had ever intended.
I know I hurt her. But she hurt me too. But this isn’t a game of retaliation or pointing fingers.
What’s done is done. I know trusting each other again won’t be easy, especially when there’s Josie to think about.
I see how protective she is of her. Understandably so.
I’ve only just met my daughter, and I would do anything to protect her.
I would do anything for her. Yet, Erica is her mother.
She carried her inside her for months and months, nurturing her and loving her before she was even here.
For the past year, she’s done motherhood on her own, making her the strongest woman I know, aside from my own mother. The love she has for Josie is fierce.
I don’t know how I can prove that to Erica that I don’t want to hurt her, or Josie, but I have to try. I pick my phone up from the coffee table and type out a text.
Me: Are you and Josie free tomorrow?
It takes a moment before I see the bouncing dots on my phone. I sit up a little straighter as I wait for the response.
Erica: We don’t have anything going on…
Me: Would you two like to go to the zoo?
I watch my phone expectantly, but a response doesn’t come through.
I frown slightly, wondering if I’m pushing my luck.
Maybe I should just be happy for tonight and not put any more pressure on the situation.
It’s just the idea of it being the weekend and not having the rare chance of seeing both of them at work has me feeling desperate.
A few more minutes go by with no response. I sigh and walk down the hall to my bedroom. I take a shower and start to get ready for bed. It’s early, but sleep sounds good. My mind is spinning, making me exhausted.
I slide on a pair of sweats and climb into bed, using the button on my nightstand to close the automatic shades.
I settle under the cool sheets and close my eyes, trying to push out the thoughts I know will keep me up.
Like thinking tonight was too good to be true.
But then I hear my phone buzz on my nightstand. I quickly turn over and snatch it up.
I open it eagerly.
Erica: Sure. Meet you there at 9?
I smile at my phone as a weight lifts off of me.
Me: See you then.
I fall asleep, eager for the next day, knowing I’ll get to see them both again.
The next morning, I arrive at the zoo just a few minutes before 9.
I wait by the ticket kiosk, checking my watch every thirty seconds, willing time to speed up.
Then I see Erica walking up the sidewalk, pushing a stroller with Josie in it.
I give them a wave as they make their way over to me, through the other families lining up to spend Saturday at the zoo.
I realize I’ve never seen Erica outside of work or work events, aside from my bed that is.
She looks just as beautiful, if not more, in a pair of ripped jeans, a white tank top, and a Yankees cap.
I laugh because I have a similar one on my own head.
“Good morning,” I say.
“We’re matching,” she says with a smirk, looking at my hat.
“Great minds think alike, I guess.” I shrug.
I bend down and say hi to Josie who reaches out for me. I give her my hand and she wraps her tiny fingers around mine, squeezing. She gives me that smile of hers. It’s probably my favorite thing I’ve ever seen, aside from her mother who now watches us with that same wary expression.
“You okay?” I ask, standing up and looking at her curiously.
She bites her lip and looks at Josie. “It’s just…strange. All of this. It’s going to take some getting used to.”
“I understand.”
I get hung up on the words “getting used to,” like this is something we’ll be doing more often.
“You ready?” she asks, looking toward the gates of the zoo that are being pulled open by two of the zoo staff members.
“Ready.” I smile.
I buy our tickets from the kiosk, politely declining the attendant’s offer of purchasing an annual family pass to save money.
The word family catches me off guard, lodging itself in my mind like an ongoing echo.
We look the part, but we are far from it.
I see it had the same effect on Erica as she awkwardly smiles as I take back my credit card.
I walk alongside her as she pushes Josie along the sidewalk. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining, only obstructed by the few white fluffy clouds in the sky. It’s perfect. I breathe in the fresh air and look over at Erica and Josie alongside me.
“What?” she asks, staring ahead.
She used to like when I looked at her, but now she questions it.
“Nothing,” I say, looking ahead.
We stop to see the snow leopard and Erica picks up Josie from the stroller, holding her up to get a better view. I can see she’s struggling slightly.
“May I?” I ask.
She seems to debate it before handing Josie to me, who reaches out to me with no protest. I lift her up and place her on my shoulders. She squeals with delight, her fingers finding my hair and grasping it tightly. I make a pained expression and Erica lets out a giggle.
“Careful. She’s strong. I’ve lost a lot of hair because of her.”
“I’m surprised you’re not bald,” I say, wincing.
Josie eases her grip and watches the snow leopard pace around her enclosure.
“Meow,” says Josie.
“That’s right. A kitty cat,” says Erica, reaching over and tickling Josie’s leg that’s slung over my shoulder.
I haven’t been this close to her in weeks.
I’ve missed her, longed to touch her. It’s hard not to get wrapped up in her, especially because this isn’t a date.
This is something else. I don’t know what entirely, but I can only hope it becomes more.
I feel Erica looking up at me and Josie on my shoulders. I swear there are tears forming in her eyes, but she blinks them away and looks back out toward the leopard who has settled on a rock. We move along the pathway to the next exhibit, the polar exhibit.
Josie squirms on my shoulders to get down, so I lift her up and hold her hands as she waddles over to the glass. She lets go of my fingers and presses her hands and face against the glass as the penguins whiz past her, and she giggles like crazy.
“This one’s her favorite,” says Erica, kneeling to see exactly what Josie’s seeing.
I follow suit. We watch the fast, sleek birds glide through the water with ease, every so often slowing down to get a better view of us as if we are the exhibit. I can see why Josie likes them so much. They’re quite the little characters.
On the way out of the exhibit, I stop at a kiosk selling stuffed animal penguins. I buy the biggest one and hand it to Josie who is sitting in her stroller. She looks wide-eyed as she wraps her arms around the stuffie that’s bigger than her.
“You didn’t have to do that,” says Erica.
“I wanted to.”
She looks down at Josie, squeezing the penguin, and I wish I knew what she was thinking. I wish she would let me in.
“Thanks for coming today,” I say softly.
“It was a good idea. It’s a beautiful day.”
“Yeah, but thanks for coming today with me. ” I clarify, wanting her to know how much it means to me. “I know I haven’t been around…”
“Not your fault.”
“I know, but I’m just happy to get a chance to be around her.” I look at Josie fondly, wondering how I ever lived without her before. Wondering how I’ll live without her in my life always, aside from these one-off times that Erica allows.
“Around you. ” I add.
Erica looks at me for a moment, her eyes a stormy green. I know she’s in inner turmoil, and I hate that it’s because of me. She doesn’t say anything before nodding slightly and pulling out a zoo map from her back pocket.
“All right, what’s next?” she says, looking over the map carefully.
I know the conversation is over, but there’s more to be had. Because this time with them is something I don’t want to end. I spend the rest of the morning imagining that it can always be like this. If Erica and I can move past our complicated history, we can be together.
There is a reason we found our way back to each other after the night we met.
A reason that Josie came to be, even though neither of us were asking to become parents, or expecting it.
But it happened because we both were drawn to each other that night.
Lost in each other. Even in our time apart afterward, I never forgot about her.
She had a hold on me, up until she walked into my office a year later and I knew whatever we started wasn’t over.
If we can somehow give ourselves a real chance, we could have a real go at this whole family thing.
I could be a full-time dad to Josie. Though I know nothing about how to be a father, I know I’ll do my best. I can’t think of anything I want more in life.
Business has always come first in my mind, but it feels like it’s taking a back seat to the two girls beside me.
I can see a life together. It’s beautiful and terrifying at the same time. To have something so special to lose makes my heart crack just at the thought of it.