Chapter 45
Erica
I leave Marco’s office, feeling shaky, like I might throw up. The rest of the office is a blur as I walk through it. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I just want to go get Josie and leave. That’s exactly what I intend to do.
“Erica…are you okay?” asks Jose, as I pass by his cubicle on the way to the elevators.
“Mhmm,” I say absentmindedly.
He gently grabs my arm to stop me. I know he means well, but I shrug out of his grasp.
“Will you let me go?” I snap.
“Okay, okay.” He puts up his hands defensively, his words soft as he takes a step back.
“Sorry,” I say, shaking my head and looking down at my feet sheepishly.
“It’s okay. You just seem…upset. You look white as a sheet. Are you feeling okay?”
“No. Not really. I think I’m coming down with something,” I lie.
“Okay, well go home. Take a sick day. I can manage the department. It’s a slow day, anyway. The articles are already off to press. I’ll handle anything if it comes up.”
I nod slowly. “Thanks, Jose.”
I walk toward the elevator and head to the daycare. I hate that I even have to go here, when there’s a good chance one of them is talking to the press. The thought makes me sick. I trusted these people. I trusted my daughter with them. Now, I don’t know who to trust.
“Ms. Gunner?” asks the front desk attendant.
“I’d like to take Josie home,” I say.
“So soon?”
“Yes.” The word is curt.
“Of course. I’ll go get her now,” she says nervously.
Or maybe she’s speaking normally, and I’m just being paranoid.
I look around the daycare, looking at everyone’s faces, trying to understand why any of them would leak information to the press.
I’m sure a story like that is enough to cover a month or two of rent.
She’s back soon, holding Josie and all I want to do is rip her from her arms as quickly as possible, but I try to keep my composure. The last thing I need to do is add more to the story, if it is one of them talking to the press. I try to muster a sweet smile.
“Thank you,” I say warmly. “I’m just not feeling well. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I hope you feel better soon.”
She hands me Josie, and I hold her close, breathing her sweet smell in. All feels right in the world in that moment, even though I know it’s far from it. Just having her in my arms provides a comfort to me. I say thank you and slip out the door, eager to get to the privacy of our little apartment.
Once inside, I’m just putting my keys on the hook by the door when my phone rings. My stomach drops, thinking it’s Marco or his attorney, which I’m sure he’s already lining up to fight me for custody. The thought makes my stomach churn.
I look at my screen and see it’s Beth. I blow out a breath of relief before sliding to accept the call.
“Hello?” I answer.
“I just saw The Chatter, ” she says worriedly.
I groan. I foolishly wished it would just disappear.
“What the hell happened?” she asks.
“I don’t know…Someone is leaking information.”
“But who? Who would do this?”
“I don’t know. Probably someone from Josie’s daycare.”
“Jesus Christ. You can’t trust anyone. And to do this to a baby!”
“I know. It makes me sick.” I groan,
“It’s not about her, though. They’re just trying to run Marco’s name through the mud…”
“And unfortunately, she’s collateral damage.”
“There’s no mention of you though. Maybe they don’t have all the facts.”
“Yet,” I say, wondering when the other shoe will drop.
The daycare has to know I’m the mother. They saw us in there together.
I just don’t know why they’re not releasing all the information yet.
Maybe they’re trying to drag it out, releasing a little at a time, trying to get as much money as they can.
The thought makes me so angry. That someone would be that desperate for money that they would put a baby’s wellbeing on the line.
If all the truth gets out, it will stick with Josie forever. I can’t have that happen.
“Does Marco know?” asks Beth warily.
“He does now. I showed him this morning, right after I gave him the custody papers.”
“Oh man. You’ve had a busy morning. How did he take it?”
“Not well. We both said things we probably shouldn’t have…”
“He’s hurt. You both are.”
“Yeah…”
“I wish you two could work together, at least to sort this whole thing with the press out. For Josie’s sake.”
“I know you want more for us too…” I say softly.
“Well, of course I do. I want you to be happy. I know he makes you happy. And I know as much as you don’t want to admit it, it was nice seeing Josie with a dad. Her real dad.”
I stay silent, not wanting to admit she’s right.
“It’s why you brought him to meet her. And invited him for dinner.
And went to the zoo. There was a part of you that wanted it.
I know that’s a hard thing for you to admit, and I know I’m usually the one who has her head in the clouds…
But I do want a happy ending for you and Josie.
Not just because I see it in the movies or read it in books.
It’s because I love you both endlessly.”
I feel the tears fall down my cheeks before I even knew they were forming because everything Beth is saying is true. I wanted it badly, and was a fool to pretend I didn’t. I didn’t want just any dad for Josie, I wanted Marco. For her. For me .
Still, I’m so mad at him right now. It’s easier to place blame on him for everything than to take accountability in the mess I’ve made of my life by keeping his daughter a secret.
It’s easier to place blame on him for the tabloid because if he wasn’t who he was, no one would care about a secret baby.
“I love you, too, Beth,” I say softly.
“Let me know if you need anything, okay?”
“I will. Thank you.”
I hang up and look down at Josie, who is tugging at my pant legs, begging me to come play with her. At least one of us is blissfully unaware of what is happening. I’m glad it’s her.
“Okay, little one. I’m all yours.” I smile down at her.
We play on the living room floor, listening to music as she dances with the oversized penguin that Marco bought her at the zoo.
She’s obsessed with it. Almost as much as she was with him.
I wonder if I’m harming her in some way by taking him away from her, or if she’s too young to understand. I hope it’s the latter.
When her late afternoon naptime rolls around, I carry her to her room as she rubs her eyes trying to fight sleep.
I lay her down in her crib and sing her a lullaby that lulls her to sleep.
I watch her for a few minutes, finding comfort in her breathing, knowing she’s here with me.
This might not be forever. And it’s all my fault.
I slip out of her room, and walk to the living room, picking up toys as I go and putting them in their designated baskets along the wall.
I plop down on the couch tiredly and turn on the TV, hoping for some sort of distraction.
As I skim through the channels, I land on one of those daytime talk shows and laugh at the irony on my screen.
They’re doing a live paternity test, trying to rule out the potential fathers of the woman on stage.
I laugh at the cruelty, changing the channel.
Nothing’s on. I shut the TV off and toss the remote aside.
Closing my eyes, I lay down, welcoming the wave of exhaustion that’s hit me, knowing that sleep will be the only escape from today and the mess that is my life.
Two hours go by and I’m woken up by Josie’s babbling from her crib.
I pull myself sleepily from the couch, grateful for the dreamless sleep I had, and walk over to her room to nurse her.
Once she’s fed and happy, I bring her to the living room and set her up with a show to watch.
I check the time. It’s nearly 6 o’clock.
I know I should have called April earlier to let her know that I had delivered the custody papers, and that there is a very slim chance Marco will sign them.
In fact, he told me he wouldn’t. I just want to know what the next steps are.
I make a note to call her in the morning, knowing that even a phone call is going to cost me.
I swallow at the thought of how much I’ve spent already, knowing it’s nothing in comparison to if this thing goes to court.
Is it even worth the fight? I ask myself that as I begin to pace my apartment.
If Marco refuses to sign, which it seems likely, then we will go to court.
He’s going to bring the best of the best to represent him.
Even without the best lawyers, April made it clear that his chances of gaining custody were high given the circumstances.
One, I lied to him, keeping his daughter from him for a lengthy period of time. Two, he makes a significant amount of money compared to me. The comparison between our salaries is laughable. He would be able to provide Josie with a life beyond most anyone’s dreams.
It makes me want to run away, take Josie with me and move somewhere else where no one could find us. I could start over somewhere, maybe on the West Coast, far away from here. We could have a nice, quiet life.
It’s a nice thought, but at the same time, I refuse to let Marco control my life.
I refuse to let him win. Pushing my feelings aside for him, I try to see the situation for what it is.
I’m a mother trying to protect her daughter, trying to keep her in my life where she rightfully belongs.
I know I won’t lose custody, but even partial custody terrifies me.
That means split time. That means not being able to kiss her goodnight every night.
Not being able to wake her up every morning.
Not spending every Christmas with her. Not hearing her laugh every day.
Not being there for every milestone to come.
My heart feels like it’s being squeezed of any feeling, and it takes everything in me not to fall to the floor.
I look at Josie, who is already looking at me curiously.
I refuse to give up. I start pacing my apartment, racking my brain for good reason why Marco shouldn’t be a part of her life.
Reasons I can present to a judge, if it comes down to it.
The reasons I come up with are far outweighed by why he should be in her life.
I’ve seen it myself, though I hate to admit it.
He loves this little girl. How could he not?
She’s stolen his heart, just like she has mine. He’s a part of her, just as I am.
My phone buzzes from my coffee table, breaking me from my thoughts. I walk over hesitantly and see an unknown number calling. This is it, I think to myself. This is when I find out if I’m in for the fight of my life for my daughter. I take a deep breath and answer.