Chapter 19 You are a Good Mother
YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER
DEREK
It had been five days since that night, and I still hadn’t ended it.
Five days since I had tasted Paige and lost whatever remained of my self-control.
Five days since Sean had cornered me in my office, telling me to break things off.
Five fucking days of telling myself I’d do it tomorrow, that I’d sit Paige down and explain that we needed to go back to being just business partners.
But every time I tried, every time I opened my mouth to say the words, I’d look at her and couldn’t do it.
So instead, we fell into a routine.
I adjusted my work schedule, blocking out mornings so Paige could shower and get ready without worrying about Lily.
I started working from home two days a week so I could help with the midday chaos.
I hired a part-time nanny, Sarah, who came three afternoons a week, but I insisted on doing bedtime myself.
Sean would have told me I was in too deep and he would have been right.
We had our contractually obligated date nights twice a week.
Carefully staged dinners where we let photographers catch us looking like a couple in love.
We also had quiet evenings at home, where I attempted to cook dinner and failed spectacularly.
Then Paige would laugh and take over, patiently explaining why you couldn’t just put frozen chicken directly in a hot pan.
“You’re supposed to let it thaw first, Derek,” she would say, nudging me away from the stove. “Otherwise, it cooks unevenly.”
“That seems inefficient.”
“That’s called food safety.”
I watched her move around my kitchen like she belonged there, chopping vegetables with practiced ease, and tried not to think about how fucking right it felt and how much I wanted it to be real.
I didn’t want to end it.
It was three in the morning on a Saturday, and Lily had been screaming for over an hour, and nothing was working. Paige was crying almost as hard as Lily, rocking her daughter with shaking arms, and the sight of them both so miserable made my chest crack.
“I don’t know what’s wrong,” Paige sobbed, her voice breaking. “I’ve tried everything. Feeding, changing, rocking, singing. Nothing is working and I feel like a terrible mother.”
I crossed the room and gently took Lily from her arms. “You’re not a terrible mother. You’re exhausted. Go to bed. I got her.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Paige,” I said, my voice firm but gentle. “Go. Sleep. I mean it.”
She hesitated, looking between me and Lily with red, swollen eyes. Then she nodded and stumbled out of the room like a zombie.
I looked down at Lily, who was still wailing like the world was ending. “Alright, kid. It’s just us now.”
I tried everything. Rocking? She screamed louder. Singing? She looked offended by my voice. I pulled up white noise apps on my phone, cycling through everything from ocean waves to vacuum cleaners. Nothing. Na-da.
I checked her diaper, but it was dry. Offered a bottle and she turned her head away furiously.
After a few minutes of walking laps around my penthouse with a screaming baby, I was starting to understand Paige’s desperation.
“Come on, Lily,” I muttered, bouncing her gently. “Work with me here, sweetheart.”
The said sweetheart screamed louder, her little face red and scrunched up.
In desperation, I started talking. Just... talking. About the first thing that came to mind.
“So here’s the thing about contract law,” I started, keeping my voice low and steady. I trailed off, talking about my work and whatever I could remember from my college days.
Surprisingly, Lily’s cries slowed.
I kept going, walking her slowly around the living room. “Now, there’s also the statute of frauds to consider…” As I kept talking, her crying reduced to little sighs.
“And then we get into a breach of contract,” I continued, my voice taking on that lecturing tone I used in court.
Lily’s eyes were open now, staring up at me with that intense baby focus.
“Then there’s the question of remedies,” I said, staring back at her. “Compensatory damages, consequential damages, liquidated damages if they’re specified in the contract…”
Her eyes started to droop. I kept talking, droning on about equitable remedies and specific performance, and somewhere around my explanation of the difference between rescission and reformation, she fell asleep against my shoulder.
I stood there frozen, afraid to move or breathe.
Success. Fucking finally!
“What did you do?”
I looked up to find Paige standing in the doorway, backlit by the hallway light. She was wearing one of my old t-shirts, her hair messy from trying to sleep, and she was watching me with an expression I couldn’t quite read.
“How did you get her to stop?” she whispered, moving closer.
I grinned despite my exhaustion. “I explained contributory negligence in tort law. Riveting stuff.”
“You’re ridiculous,” she said with a sleepy smile.
“Hey, it worked.”
She reached out and touched my arm, her hand warm even through my t-shirt. “You’re a natural at this.”
We stood there in the dim light, her hand on my arm, Lily sleeping peacefully between us. Paige looked up at me, and I saw golden flecks in her hazel eyes.
She leaned closer to check on her sleeping daughter. Her finger lingered against my arm, and I felt my breath catch.
Our faces were inches apart. Close enough that I could count her freckles, see the exhaustion still lingering around her eyes, feel the warmth of her breath.
For a moment, neither of us moved and the world narrowed to just us. Me, Paige, and the sleeping baby in my arms. I could have kissed her. I’d been wanting to taste her lips for days.
Then Lily snuffled against my shoulder, making a small sound of contentment.
Paige stepped back, clearing her throat. “I should… let you put her down.”
“Yeah,” I said, my voice coming out rougher. “Yeah, okay.”
After carefully transferring Lily to her crib and creeping out of the nursery, I found Paige still awake in the living room, curled up on the couch with a blanket.
“Can’t sleep?” I asked.
“No.” She patted the couch beside her. “Want to watch something mindless until we pass out?”
I should go to my room and maintain some distance. I should remember Sean’s warning.
But fuck it.
So, I sat down beside her.
It felt like we were teenagers again. Watching a movie in her room way past her bedtime because I sneaked into her room after dinner.
After the opening credits, she turned to me.
“Can I ask you something personal?”
“Shoot.”
“Why did you become a lawyer? You’re brilliant at it, but... was it always what you wanted?”
I was quiet for a moment, processing her words, and maybe it was my exhausted and drowsy mind that kept my voice sincere when I said, “I almost didn’t go to law school.
You knew I have—had dyslexia. And a stutter.
Reading took me twice as long as it should, and law school was basically drowning in reading. ”
Her hand found mine in the darkness. “You were very resilient,” she said.
I was but only because of her. She cheered me on during our library study sessions and brought me home-cooked meals so I wouldn’t starve myself with one ramen a day.
“Thank you. I was convinced I was too stupid for it and that I’d fail out the first semester.
” I looked down at our intertwined fingers.
“But I was also angry. At everyone who made fun of my stutter, angry at the teachers who thought I was lazy instead of struggling. I wanted to prove them all wrong. Especially my dad… you know how he was. He kept berating me that—anyway, I wanted to prove him wrong.”
“And you did, didn’t you?”
“Top of my class, baby!” I said, squeezing her hand. “Turns out spite is an excellent motivator.”
She squeezed my hand and smiled at me, “I’m glad you didn’t give up.”
“What about you?” I asked, steering the conversation away from myself. Especially my father. “How was it? After Lily was born?”
Paige was quiet for so long I thought she might not answer. When she finally spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.
“Postpartum was hard. Really hard. I didn’t… feel connected to her at first. Everyone talks about this instant love, this overwhelming bond, and I just felt—” She swallowed hard. “Empty and exhausted like I was failing at the one thing I was supposed to be good at.”
“Paige, you—”
“And Jack wasn’t there. Not really. He held her for photos, but the moment she cried or needed changing, he would hand her back to me.
Like she was my job, not his,” she sighed, shaking her head and thinking about the past. “I didn’t know if I was doing a good job.
If I was enough for her. Some days I still don’t know. ”
“You’re an incredible mother,” I said, pulling her closer and tucking her against my side. “You know that, right? The fact that you worry about being good enough proves you’re good enough.”
“You think so?”
“I know so.”
Halfway through some action movie I had already lost the plot of, I realized Paige had gone still against my shoulder. Her breathing had evened out, deep and peaceful.
She had fallen asleep on me.
I didn’t move and didn’t dare wake her. I just sat there with her warm weight against me, her head tucked perfectly into the curve of my neck, and let myself imagine that this was real. That this was my life and that I got to keep this.
Sean’s words echoed in my head. You’re falling for her.
I looked down at Paige, at the gentle rise and fall of her breathing, at the way her hand had curled into my shirt like she was holding onto me even in sleep.
Sean was wrong.
I wasn’t falling for her.
I had already fallen. Crashed, really. And I did not know how I was going to walk away from this when the time came.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I sighed, reading the message from my mom.
Mom: Bring your girlfriend to the wedding. I’ll disown you if you don’t.
I guess we’ll have to do more kissing practice.