Chapter Nineteen
Duncan
In the afternoon, I picked up Jeremy from my mom's place at four o'clock. She usually liked to have Sunday evening free, and I respected that. Besides, I already missed the little guy so damn much that I was glad to have him back.
"How was your weekend?" I asked when we were both in the car.
"It was great. Nana taught me how to bake muffins. We can try at home too. I got the recipe."
"Sure we can," I told him. "What do you want to do tonight?"
He was sad for a few seconds, which told me that he wanted to ask something that he expected me to say no to. I looked at him in the rearview mirror.
"Dad, can we go to the zoo?"
And my insides died.
I'd been there more times than I could count. And I knew for a fact that he'd been there with Riley this week. Still, he was pleading with his eyes.
"Sure, buddy. Why not? We can stay for two or three hours and still be home in time for dinner."
"Yes! Thank you. You're the best dad in the world."
"The zoo it is," I said.
I tried to muster up enthusiasm, but the best I could bring myself to do was smile and ask him what exactly he wanted to see there this time.
I loved spending time with my son, but trips to Disney or Legoland or the zoo were at the very top of my shit list. I couldn't hype myself up for them, hard as I tried. Especially not when I was doing it for the millionth time. But I wanted to make him happy. I’d promised myself a long time ago that I’d listen to what he wanted and needed and do my best to fulfill it.
He wanted quality time with me in a place he liked, which happened to be the zoo.
We found a parking spot easily enough because they had a huge lot. As we walked to the entrance gate, he was already bouncing with joy. Once inside, I spotted a few familiar faces, but that was par for the course. Jeremy wasn't the only kid who liked to come here repeatedly.
We strolled on the main path, stopping in front of each animal’s display. There were quite a few people gathered in front of the zebra park.
“Did it have its baby?” Jeremy asked excitedly.
“What?”
“The zebra was supposed to have a baby soon. Riley kept checking the zoo’s website for updates.”
“I think you’re right,” I said as we approached. There was a huge sign in front of the zebras’ area that read “Baby Z is here.”
"Dad," he said, looking up at me, "do you think Riley will want to come here?"
I lowered myself onto my haunches so I was face-to-face with him. "Jeremy, today is Riley's free day. It's not fair to ask her to come here and work on Sunday too."
"But she would love to see the baby, Dad. She told me. And she said that she doesn’t consider me a job. I asked her about it."
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Well, sometimes Ms. Williams tells me that ‘If your dad didn't pay so well, I wouldn't be caught dead here.’" Jeremy said this so matter-of-factly, I had to rewind what he’d just said. I couldn’t believe it.
I barely stopped myself from cursing. What the actual fuck? I'd always thought Ms. Williams was a bit set in her ways, but who in the hell would make a kid feel like he was a chore?
She was not fucking coming back as a nanny. My mind was made up.
"And then I asked Riley once if she would like to still do stuff with me if you didn't pay her, and she said yes." His eyes were almost glassy.
If Riley was here, I would kiss her senseless.
"Still, buddy, it's not fair to ask her to come here on a Sunday evening."
"Please, Dad, let's try. If she has plans, she’ll tell you."
He had a point, of course, but I didn't want to put her in that position. I was feeling more uncomfortable about it now, primarily because she and I were dating. I didn’t want her to think I was taking advantage of her because we were having sex. That would be wrong on so many counts.
But I couldn’t let my boy down.
"Fine, I'll call her. But you have to understand that she might have something else to do."
"Okay."
Riley’s number was in my favorites, and I immediately punched it. I figured maybe she was preparing to go out with her friends again. Hell, maybe she was already somewhere in another beach club, dancing.
Hell no. The thought of men salivating around her was enough to make me see red.
But she was fresh out of college and barely out of that clubbing scene, so who was I to be angry?
I kept forgetting we were at different stages in our lives.
I was thirty-three and she was twenty-four—when you were young, that age difference probably seemed like light-years apart.
Of course she could be out clubbing. But damn it, I didn’t like that one bit.
"Hey," I almost barked when she finally answered.
"What's wrong?" she asked in a panicked voice.
I cleared my throat.
"What are you doing?" I asked her. There. Now I sounded more normal.
I looked down at Jeremy, who was tapping his right foot impatiently.
"Um, not much. I'm home, reading."
That was good. Damn it, I was hoping even more than Jeremy that she'd join us. "Listen. Have you looked at the zoo’s website recently?"
"What? No. Oh my God. Is there news?"
I couldn't help but smile at the excitement in her voice. How could this bring her so much joy? "Yeah. Jeremy and I are here, and we’re happy to inform you that the baby zebra is as well."
"Wow! Wait, let me grab my laptop. They’ve got a live cam.” I could hear her typing in the background for a few moments. “Oh! So cute. It was supposed to come next week. It doesn't need intensive care or anything. I'm so glad."
"What do you say about joining us?"
"What, at the zoo?"
Jeremy jumped up. "What did she say?"
"Is Jeremy right next to you?" she asked.
"Yeah. And he really wants you here."
"How about you?" she whispered.
I sucked in a deep breath. "So do I." If Jeremy wasn't here, I’d tell her just how fucking much. She belonged here with us. With me. I felt it in my bones.
"It's going to take me about forty minutes to get there."
Something reared in my chest. It was almost like a small explosion, combined with relief. "We'll be here waiting for you," I said.
Jeremy cried out, jumping up and down, pretty much expressing what I felt.
"Thank you," she said.
"I'll pay for your Uber.”
"What? No, Duncan. Come on. I can afford that."
"But I've asked you here."
"Hey, it's my free time, okay? I can do as I please, and if I happen to want to go to the zoo to see the baby zebra, that's on me."
I didn't want to start an argument in front of Jeremy, and I was beginning to understand that when it came to Riley, I had to be careful about which battles I fought. "Fine. Let us know when you're nearby."
Once she disconnected the call, Jeremy jumped up and down again. "I told you she wants to come, Dad! I told you! I like Riley."
"So do I."
He looked up at me and said with a toothy grin, "When I’m with her, it almost feels like I have a mom."
It was like a physical blow to my stomach. My elation drained instantly, giving place to worry as we stepped away from the zebra so others could see it.
"Jeremy, you have a mom." It was a weak reply, but what else could I give him?
"You know what I mean. Someone who’s here and does mom stuff with me."
I gritted my teeth. I'd always been determined to give my son everything he needed, but it was time to admit that I couldn't replace his mother, as hard as I tried.
"Come on. Let's sit down," I said, sitting on the bench between the zebra enclosure and the neighboring restaurant. “Jeremy, is there anything you would like us to do together? That would make you feel like you aren't missing out on things?"
"Hm. I don’t know. I’ll think about it." He dangled his feet under the bench and gripped the edges, looking down. "I just, like, really like Riley."
Just when I thought I’d gotten a grip on fatherhood, Jeremy got older and I had to deal with a new layer of complexity.
I was always playing catch-up. I could read the stock market no problem and deal with any crisis that came up at work.
But my son always kept me on my toes and managed to surprise me. He was growing up too fast.
"Let's buy a snack so we can all share it when Riley comes," I suggested.
"Yes!"
"What does she eat when you come here?"
"I’ll show you. She likes two specific carts, one that sells ice cream and one that sells popcorn, and she always eats it together."
"Okay," I said, assuming she ate a sweet-flavored popcorn with ice cream. Weird combo, but whatever. Then it turned out to be even weirder. She liked salty popcorn with ice cream. I double-checked with Jeremy three times.
"You're sure?" I asked the fourth time.
"Dad!" He stomped his foot, letting out an exasperated sigh. "I told you."
"All right." I was tempted to message Riley and ask if this ridiculous combination was what she really liked, but then I’d ruin the surprise. If worse come to worst, we could always throw away the salty popcorn.
Jeremy wanted ice cream too. I usually didn't allow sweets before dinner, but I was breaking far too many rules today to stick to this one. I wasn't a hypocrite. I wasn't hungry at all, so after I paid, I carried Riley's ice cream and popcorn, and we went to wait by the entrance to the zoo.