22. Sol #2
He didn’t speak for a long time, his big frame hunched slightly forward. He placed his elbows on his knees. I wasn’t going to push him, I understood that it sometimes took time to express yourself while trying to search your mind for the best way to explain what was going on.
“You ever feel like…you been sad so long that it just feels normal?” His voice was low and flat. I wasn’t used to hearing him sound the way that he did in the moment.
“I ain’t talking about no heartbreak shit either.
I never had love from a woman, and I probably never will.
Neither is it about money, my crackhead ass momma nor the block.
This feeling that I feel on and off come in fucked up waves.
I force myself to feel good about shit when I’m around you.
I even pop a perc or two just to alter my mood.
Today…I woke up and it felt like a nigga chest was too heavy to stand.
I tried to eat, and it didn’t hit the same.
I smiled when I saw you…but it pained me to do that.
I be feeling doomed sometimes…like I ain’t meant to be here.
” He dropped his head and started to rock back and forth.
I stayed quiet and watched him take in short breaths.
It started when I was young…” He started tapping his fingers against his thigh.
“It got worse when my momma used to disappear for days and sometimes weeks. I’d sit at the window waiting.
My belly would growl until that shit hurt.
I’d get paranoid and sad all in one thinking that maybe she wouldn’t come back.
I’d always think the worse about her leaving for days, then think the worse for my existence in the process.
After so long it felt like I trained my mind to think all kinds of fucked up. ” He let out a bitter chuckle.
“I used to steal food from school just to eat it at night. Raft didn’t know shit, and I started to hate him and you.
I felt like he loved you more, wondered why he never would pop up when she left me all them days.
He always popped up with you in tow on her good days to say what’s up and drop off a couple of bands.
I wondered why the fuck he didn’t noticed that she was a fucking crackhead.
He should have known that all that money wasn’t going to me.
Her ass would do one good deed with the money, that was buy up food and me a couple of fits and shoes so I could look fresh for the next time his ass came back around.
I let that hate go for y’all when he finally came to get me. ” Fatz didn’t pick his head up.
“But back to this feeling, bro…” He tapped his chest.
“That empty shit that I felt back then…never left me. I just learned how to be funny as fuck around it. I taught myself how to shoot through it…but it’s still there, Sol.
Every day, it’s like sitting in a room with no windows, and even when people knock on the door, I don’t got the energy to answer.
” He sniffled then wiped his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.
“I think I’m just growing more tired every day, man…” He looked up at me.
Before I could speak, we heard gunshots real close.
Me and Fatz jumped up at the same time as our instincts took over.
No words needed, I grabbed my .45 off the table just as he pulled his chrome from under his hoodie.
We moved fast toward the side exit. My blood was already hot as the anticipation took over me.
We pushed outside and then saw multiple cars skirt off.
Across the cracked pavement of the rec center’s parking lot were two bodies sprawled out.
A couple of nigga’s had their guns out while some stood behind whatever they could shield themselves.
“Who the fuck you think that was?” Fatz stepped beside me.
I squinted my eyes just as all of my men walked toward the two dead bodies. I could hear sirens faintly as I glanced over at Fatz.
“It was Casper, nigga tryna send an indirect message on some bitch shit. Let’s be out.”
“Nah, that nigga don’t do indirect…if he sent niggas our way everybody would have been?—”
“Dead…All these niggas would have been left stanking. That nigga wants me to come holler at him.” My jaws clenched as I moved to the driver side of my car.
“He about to see about me right now, directly.”
I already put two and two together weeks ago when I couldn’t get in contact with Yeremy that Casper probably knew.
I wasn’t rushing to get to that nigga to have a talk about shit just yet since I had a lot on my plate.
I’ve been tempted to pop up over at his house anyway behind Yeremy.
She thought she could just play me to the left like we didn’t bond.
I don’t know why she made me feel the way that she did.
All I knew was the feeling that she gave to me when she was around was better than smoking weed. Yeremy had this aura to her that was unmatched. For the first time, she actually had me missing someone other than my mom and dad.