Chapter 27
CHAPTER 27
The thing about growing up in a bar is you watch people’s addictions and get to know the habits pretty quickly. Night after night, I watched one of our regulars come in and drink beer after beer after beer and leave barely buzzed. I watched a group of nurses come every Thirsty Thursday and have their happy hour get together… all the while not realizing that one of their coworkers was in our bar every day after her shift, usually drinking the equivalent to a bottle of wine. To the rest of her friend group, she was just a once-a-week warrior. To me? She was the saddest addict I’d ever seen.
Then there was our local dentist. One of our only patrons who didn’t come for the drinks so much as he came for the privacy. Dad’s pub wasn’t ever the hottest spot in town and if you were at a certain status in our little town of Indiana, you wouldn’t be caught dead in our bar.
Except for Dr. Marin.
And our pub was where he’d take his affairs. His addiction was far from a substance… but it was there, nonetheless.
And right now? I’m the addict.
And Holden is my drug of choice.
Now that I have him back, I cannot imagine life without him. I can’t see myself breathing without him near me. Even now, standing in the wings, fifteen minutes to places on our opening night, my thoughts are consumed with him.
My nerves are out of control and I pace in the wings, my hands twisting and turning in agitation. Jittery and desperate like an addict in withdrawal, I ache to bury my nose in his neck and inhale his spiced scent to calm me down. My eyes dart wildly around backstage, swinging to Holden’s closed dressing room door at the end of the hall, searching for any sign of him. My trembling lips betray my inner turmoil, quivering as I take quick breaths.
I hate feeling this way. I hate relying on him so heavily.
“For the love of God, Kate, are you okay?” I startle and spin around to find McCay there, irritation leaking into her expression.
“Sorry,” I say quickly.
As I suck in a sharp breath, the scent of sweat and hairspray fills the air, mixing with the faint aroma of flowers from the bouquet on the nearby table nearly makes me break out in a fit of coughs.
McCay studies me for a quick moment with narrowed eyes before turning over her shoulder to Maggie. “Give us a moment?” Maggie nods and scurries off.
Camaraderie over, I guess.
She’s barely out of earshot before McCay steps in close to me.
My breath catches in my chest, causing a flutter of nerves in my stomach. My chest rises and falls rapidly as I take in the sight of McCay's determined expression and Maggie scurrying off in the background.
Normally she would tower over me, but tonight, she’s in flats and I’m in heels, bringing us within a few inches of being eye to eye. “Don’t let him get in your head,” she whispers.
“Who?” I play dumb.
With McCay? Always play dumb.
“You know who. He doesn’t get the spotlight tonight… you do.”
My eyes widen with apprehension as McCay steps closer, her expression intense and focused. The dim backstage lights cast blue shadows across her face, emphasizing the lines of determination etched on her features.
My mouth is dry, my tongue feeling thick and heavy as I struggle to form words. The taste of nerves lingers on my tongue.
The sound of my sharp inhale echoes in the small space, mixing with the steady buzz of conversation from backstage. My words come out in a hurried whisper, almost choked with emotion. “We both get the spotlight. There’s room on this stage for both of us.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Kate. Will you listen to me, please? For once in your life, command the stage. You are the star of this show. Not Holden. Not even Skyler. You. Kate Fucking Harris. And don’t you forget it.”
The air catches in my chest, sharp and jagged.
McCay is being so nice to me. And she’s rarely nice to me… I don’t trust it, not for a second.
“You spent my entire adult life trying to stop me from being a star,” I whisper. “Why the change of heart now?”
A smile twitches on McCay’s mouth and it’s so utterly disarming, I’m not sure what to make of it. “That’s the point Kate. Nothing can stop a true star from twinkling.” Her smile grows and I’m frozen in place as she steps forward and wraps me in a tight hug. “And despite everything, you shine .”
Tears spring to my eyes as she releases me from the hug and backs toward the exit. “Break a leg tonight.”
“Mc—” I start to say, then stop myself. We’re peers now. No longer in a dynamic of constant struggle. “Laurie,” I correct myself pointedly. “Just tell me. Why did you hate me so much?”
She swallows, her hand still resting on the door to the exit. “From the moment you stepped into Turner Hall, your presence threatened my job there.”
I shake my head, more confused than ever. “What are you talking about?”
“You were better than I ever was. Or ever could be. I needed one of my students to become a star and while I knew you could have been that star, after the Kennedy Center performance, I couldn’t let it be you. The only reason you stayed in my program… was because of Holden. He didn’t throw you to the wolves. He saved you from the lion’s den.”
This time, she doesn’t wait for my response. She simply turns and walks out the door.
I’m not sure how long I stand there staring at the shut door, but I jump when I feel Holden’s hand brush my arm.
“Maggie sent me. We’re at five minutes to places.”
My stomach leaps into my throat. Five minutes.
Five more minutes until I sink or swim.
Holden pauses, regarding me quietly. “Maggie also said you… you might need me?”
Everything around us becomes a vortex spinning away until all that’s left is Holden and me.
And McCay’s honest, vulnerable words echoing in my mind.
In a blink, my addiction is broken.
Reaching up, I touch his face, dragging my thumb along his jawline, so sharp it could make me bleed if I let it.
“I don’t need you, Holden,” I whisper.
He blinks, surprised by my answer. “Oh.”
I don’t need a fix of Holden’s scent.
I don’t need his arms.
I don’t need his love.
I push onto my toes and brush my mouth gently over his. “I don’t need you anymore. But I want you. I love you, Holden James Dorsey.”
Amber eyes shining, he smiles and presses his lips to my forehead. “I love you, too, Katherine.”
“Hate to interrupt,” Maggie whispers, interjecting. “But we’re at places.”