Chapter 37
CHAPTER 37
“But to me, it was never a game,” Holden reads aloud where we lay on the couch together. His fingers stroke my arm, gently trailing a path down to my wrist, then back up again to my neck. “She was every breath. Every heartbeat. And I’ll never stop trying to fix what I broke. In both of us.”
He closes the journal.
We’re silent for a long beat. Just the sounds of our breathing and the occasional honk from a cab fifteen stories below.
A sense of calm washes over me. Tranquil peace I haven’t truly felt in the core of myself in five years.
Yes, I had already forgiven Holden. That happened slowly over the last few weeks in watching how he’s changed.
But even with forgiving, I still didn’t understand. I didn’t comprehend why he’d made these choices years ago and how he could so brutally hurt me in one breath while claiming to love me in the next.
And now I get it. There were no fireworks with the epiphany. No massive monologue. Only calm. Like an ocean at rest, something I never thought possible.
“Are you asleep?” he asks after another moment.
“No,” I whisper. “I’m thinking.”
“Care to share with the class?”
I turn my head, resting my chin on his chest. “I love you, Holden.” His hand freezes where it’s currently stroking my cheek, but I don’t let the panic dissuade me. “I know we’ve said it before, but this feels different somehow. Like for the first time, I truly know all of you. And love you, demons and all.”
“I love you, too, Katherine.” We both sit up and meet in the middle for a tender kiss and it’s so distinctly different from any stage kiss we’ve experienced together… hell, it’s not even like any kiss we’ve shared in our history.
White heat blisters beneath my skin as his fingers whisper beneath my shirt until it’s discarded on the floor beside the couch.
Holden's fingers trace over my bare skin until he reaches the clasp of my bra. I gasp as it falls away and he wastes no time, leaning in and brushing his lips against my neck as his hands continue their exploration. With a moan, I arch into his touch and reach for the hem of his shirt, pulling it up and over his head. My hands roam appreciatively across the muscular planes of his chest and he mumbles something I don’t hear through the rush of blood in my ears.
As his mouth closes over my nipple I gasp and arch into him, my legs wrapping around his torso. I grind against him, frantic and eager, but instead, Holden captures my lips again, slowing us down with tortuously gentle kisses.
Standing effortlessly with me still in his arms, he deposits me onto my back on the couch before reaching for the button of his jeans and undoing them swiftly.
The sounds of the city life fade into the background, muffled, nearly disappearing in our lust as he shucks away the last of his clothes, leaving him standing there in front of me, pure hard muscle. Long cock, veined and thick and ready.
Reaching out, I trace my fingers from root to tip, gathering the slick moisture onto the pad of my finger and rolling it over his head.
With a growl, he pounces on me, claiming my mouth.
The only thing that matters is the rhythm of our bodies, the scent of our skin, and the taste of our lips as we continue to explore each other.
He kisses down my stomach and trails his lips along my hip bone as he gently pulls my thin cotton pants down my legs, exposing my smooth pale thighs.
Starting at my ankles, he licks and nibbles his way up towards my core, taking his time to savor every inch of my skin.
I gasp at the electricity running through me as he kisses a path across my inner thigh, making me shudder with anticipation. I hook my legs behind him, pulling him closer still.
When he finally reaches between my legs, I’m slick and wet and ready for him, arching into his mouth as he kisses and licks a slow path to my clit. He groans softly against my folds before lifting his head to look at me with hooded eyes, full of adoration.
He keeps me on the edge of release for way too long, bringing me to the brink just before pulling me back again until finally with a long moan, a flutter of his tongue, and a curve of his fingers, I explode around him, releasing with the most intense muscle spasms I’ve ever felt.
It’s never been like this. Not with any man… not even with Holden.
He kisses his way up my body until he’s laying over top of me. And somehow in the blink of an eye, we’re transported back to being two college kids, getting a do-over. It doesn’t matter that we’ve already had sex. Or that we’ve both had other lovers. Or that we have a history.
In this moment in time, it’s just us… and it feels like the first time we should have had years ago.
Despite having just come, there’s an ache deep in me that can’t be satisfied with anything but Holden. Even upon just having him, I need more. Constantly. I will never have enough of this man.
I reach down and position him between my legs, but he doesn’t move just yet. He doesn’t thrust. We lay there, nose to nose, with him nestled into my slick folds. Each breath laden with intensity. “I love you, Katherine.”
“I love you, too, Holden.”
“This changes everything, you know?”
He’s right. Everything feels different… and yet, nothing is different. It’s gloriously and beautifully simple how much I want him. And how easily he wants me in return.
Tenderly, he takes my lips as he pushes inside of me and we both gasp into our kiss.
His movements start small. Understated. A circle of his hips, then rocking back and forth. The slow glide is torture of the absolute best kind.
As he moves faster, we both moan in unison, bodies meeting in a frenetic rhythm that echoes the city outside. The sun begins to rise higher into the sky, casting its warm glow over the room. It streams in through the floor-to-ceiling window, highlighting Holden’s muscles in its golden light. Yet, it's our heat that is palpable. Our sweat that makes the skin of our chests cling together as we grind against each other. His fingers dig into my shoulders, leaving marks due to his desperation. Our breaths merge, filling the room with our communal need.
He kisses my neck softly before finding my ear and sucking on the lobe, nipping it gently. I shiver at the sensation. I press my lips together and bite down on my lower lip, wanting to scream his name out but not daring to break this moment with sound. He groans into my skin, feeling every stroke and rolls his hips to meet mine again, thrusting deeper still.
His movements become more urgent, his breathing ragged in my ear. My body responds in kind, tightening around him as I feel the familiar sensations of my second orgasm building once more. I arch my back, pushing into him, trying to meet him thrust for thrust.
I can't believe that we're here again, so quickly after the first time. Yet, it's as if our bodies have been made for this dance. Our rhythm in sync, our moans in tune with each other.
Holden's eyes lock with mine, and there's a desperation there that I recognize all too well. It spurs me on, makes me want to give him the release he so desperately seeks. My nails dig into his back as my muscles clench around him, pulling him in even deeper.
"Katherine," he grunts, his restraint slipping away as he pistons his hips faster and faster. "Fuck," he barks, his face twisting in pleasure as his teeth graze my bottom lip.
"Holden," I gasp out, my voice catching in my throat as the waves of bliss rush over me once more. "I'm... I'm...!"
And then it happens. The dam breaks and I'm there again, exploding into a million pieces underneath him. Holden's entire body tenses and he lets out a muffled groan against my neck as he climaxes within me.
There's something different about this time together. It's as if all the pent-up longing and unspoken words have finally been released along with our shared orgasms. The weight that had once been between us is gone, replaced by a tentative yet undeniable connection.
Holden collapses on top of me, his chest heaving against mine as we both try to catch our breaths. His hands glide up and down my back, soothing me as our hearts slow to a more normal beat together.
I run my fingers through his damp hair, marveling at how soft it feels against my fingertips. His chest rises and falls with each ragged breath, our hearts still beating wildly in synchronization. He must sense my gaze on him because he turns his head to look at me with those gilded amber eyes that I know better than my own reflection.
"I've missed this," I whisper, my voice raw from passion and emotion.
"I’ve missed you ." He smiles lazily, a contented expression washing over his handsome face.
His hand finds mine where it clings to his shoulder and laces our fingers together, as if binding us for good this time around. And it feels like he's trying to do just that: claim me as his forever.
“I’ve thought about you every day for five years, Katherine. I need you to know that. Not a minute passed that I didn’t wish I could reach out and make everything up to you. But I couldn’t. For years, my dad threatened what he would do to you if I broke my end of the bargain. It wasn’t until this opportunity directing presented itself that I knew I could fly under the radar and use Reid Bradley to get you the audition.”
I grabbed my shirt and pants, pulling them back on, realizing that Duncan could wake up at any moment and come back out here.
“That reminds me,” I say, sitting up and reaching over to where I’d discarded my bag earlier. “I brought you a gift.”
Holden’s brows lift. “You brought me a gift? I thought you were the gift.”
I pull out a notebook from my bag and hand it over to him. “You gave me all of your innermost thoughts… and I feel like I owe you the same.”
Surprised, he blinks, running his hand over the spiral notebook. It’s in better condition than his cheap drugstore composition notebook. Hardbound with embossed flowers on it and a little pocket on the back to tuck a pen.
“You journaled?” he asks.
“I journaled all through college. That’s book one of three.”
He tenderly cradles the notebook in his hand like it’s a valuable artifact.
“You’re giving it to me?” he asks again.
I nod. “It only seems fair. But for now…” I take the journal and flip it open to the correct page. “I want you to read this entry. With me. Right now. It’s going to hurt, but I think you need to know what McCay, and I’m guessing your dad did to me. Immediately.”
His gaze snaps to mine, instantly furious. “They didn’t keep their end of the bargain, did they?”
I nibble my bottom lip and shrug. “I think they did. They’re just experts at loopholes.”
“I’ll fucking kill them?—”
“Holden,” I interrupt, taking his hand in mine and giving it a squeeze. “Just read .”